April Child
by ricochet24
Summary: Continuation of Fall to Pieces. Ellie and Sean are in for the ride of their lives.
1. Default Chapter

**This is one of the two continuations of Fall to Pieces.**

**Chapter 1: Going Under**

**Sean's POV**

"I'm pregnant."

What? What... What. I shook my head forcefully. "Are you sure?"

Ellie looked at her feet and laughed dryly. "Yeah... I'm sure."

"You took a test?"

She looked back up at me. "Yeah. I did. I'm positive, Sean. I'm pregnant."

Damn. This was almost too much for me to handle. I rubbed hand over my face. God, I was tired. Was I kidding? Ellie was pregnant and all I could think was that I was tired? What kind of person am I? I should be comforting her right now, telling her everything is going to be okay, but I can't. I don't know if everything is going to be okay. Actually, I'm pretty sure it won't be. We're going to have a baby. There's no room in our lives for a baby. "How could this happen?" I yelled out loud. I didn't mean to snap at her, but the situation was making me angry.

Ellie threw her hands up in the air, "Yeah. Cause I _sooo_ planned this. I don't know, Sean. It just did. I just thought you should know."

I watched as she started walking away from me. Where was she going? "Where are you going?" I reached out and grabbed her hand to stop her. God, when had my voice start to sound so desperate around her? Her hand was so cold, but it was also soft and I loved the feel of it against mine.

Ellie's shoulders dropped and she turned around, tears streaking her cheeks, "I don't know where I'm going. I don't know anything anymore, except that I have too many things going on to take care of a baby."

I bit the inside of my cheek. She couldn't even take care of herself, how was she supposed to take care of a little kid? I finally realized the seriousness of the situation. Ellie and I were in high school. She didn't have a job; I had a little job, but just enough to get myself by. Not enough to take care of two more people. What the hell were we going to do?

"I'm sorry..."

My head snapped up at Ellie's words. Her lower lip was trembling slightly and I knew she was trying so hard to hold on to any control she had left. She looked ready to break down any second, though.

"Sorry for what?"

"For doing this to you! I wasn't even going to tell you, I didn't want you to know. I don't want your life ruined."

"My life ruined? Ellie, my life couldn't be ruined anymore than it already is."

"I know! That's why I didn't want to tell you, but I just got so upset tonight and next thing I know, I'm over here and I've told you. You were never supposed to find out. Just go on with your life, okay?"

I grabbed her and pulled her towards me. "Oh no. I'm not letting you get away. We have to talk about this."

Ellie tried to writhe out of my grasp, but I was too strong for her. After a few moments she just gave up and collapsed against my chest in tears. "I can't do this. I'm not strong enough to do this."

"Shhh..." I ran a hand over her hair and buried my face into it. "You _are_ strong enough. We'll both be strong enough."

She looked up at me with shiny eyes, "You want to be apart of this?"

"Are you kidding with me? There's no way I'd let you go through this alone. Contrary to popular belief, I do take responsibility for my actions. And I'd never treat you like trash. Never."

The corner of her mouth lifted slightly and I hugged her even closer to me. Maybe we could do this. Maybe it wouldn't be so impossible. We just had to stay together and think it through. We would be okay, I was sure of it.

**Ellie's POV**

Sean and I sat up all night talking on his porch. He held me close to him and I slid my fingers through his. That night, our relationship was the most innocent, ironically because I was pregnant. We talked about doctor's appointments, telling our families, keeping it a secret from everyone at school, money... We exhausted each topic before Sean finally walked me home. I decided that maybe it wouldn't be a good idea if I spent the night at his house. Especially since my parents didn't know I was gone.

The walk home was silent. Both of us didn't really know what to say anymore. So I just thought about the weekend and the day I found out.

_-----Flashback-------_

I rolled over in bed and immediately felt nauseous. I felt like I had been run over by a truck. It didn't help that I had barely gotten any sleep the night before and I had resorted to nursing a bottle of wine as I sat in the dark. None of my friends had called me that night. No one wanted to do anything with me. No one wanted to talk with me. I was so pathetic. But, oh well, I was used to it. I'm used to being alone.

My parents weren't going to be home that night- something to do with some benefit dinner. I was supposed to go with them. I had a new dress and everything, but due to my enormous stomach cramps, I wasn't up for it. I made a permanent home on the living room couch with the remote stuck to my hand.

Suddenly, I was grabbing my coat and heading out of the door. Next thing I knew, I was at a pharmacy in front of the pregnancy tests. It was like I had been in a complete daze the entire time I was walking from my house. I kept telling myself that I didn't need to be in this aisle. That nothing was wrong. But I knew something was wrong. I had been getting sick in the mornings for a while now, had no period, and dealt with stomach cramps every day. I knew what this felt like. I also knew I felt incredibly stupid. You would think that I would have learned by now. Learned to always use protection or get some fucking birth control or not even have sex. But I'm so completely _stupid_!

I paid for the damn test and went home to stare at it for three hours before finally doing the stupid thing. Exactly as I expected, I was pregnant. I was going to have a baby. God, all I did after that was stare in the fucking mirror and think of how fat I was going to be. What is wrong with me? Why is that my main concern instead of what everybody was going to say, what I was going to tell Sean, how the hell I was supposed to raise a kid.

I'm not going to lie, the thought of ending it all sounded tempting. But I knew I couldn't do that. I had a few things to live for- my friends, Sean, my family, my kittens. It's sad that I don't even care about living for myself. Then again, what do I ever do for myself? Nothing! I do everything for everybody else and look how I end up. Pregnant at fifteen. I'm such a fucking slut.

And now I had to break up with the one person that seemed to actually give a shit about me. As always, I wasn't about to be selfish and expect him to stay with me forever and raise a kid and take care of me... I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to call him up and just scream at him, to pretend that it was his entire fault. But I couldn't. It's not in my nature to be selfish. I never think about myself. And once again, there's going to be one more thing standing in my way of thinking of only myself- a baby.

_---------End of Flashback---------_

But I had been selfish. I had broken down. And I told him. And I thought it was supposed to feel good, but I felt completely numb. I felt like my life was over. Seriously, what was I going to do?

We reached the gate to my house and Sean insisted on walking me all the way up to the door. I was really lucky to have someone like him who seriously cared about me. Who wouldn't let me try and do this all by myself. I don't think I would have been able to do it all by myself. I needed him as much as I hate to admit it.

"You going to be okay tonight? Do you want me to stay over or anything?" Sean whispered in my ear as he gave me a goodbye hug.

I shook my head and sighed into his shoulder.

"When are we going to tell your parents?"

"Never."

"Ellie..."

"I don't know, Sean. I don't even want to think abo-"

The door flew open and both of my parents stood in the doorway. "What the hell is going on here?" my dad asked sending an accusatory look towards Sean. Great...

I opened my mouth to explain but shut it abruptly. If I explained, that would mean I'd have to tell them I was pregnant. I wasn't ready to tell them yet. I couldn't tell them now.

Sean spoke up, "Ellie and I have something to tell you."

What the hell?

**Sean's POV**

I nervously sat on the loveseat in the living room next to Ellie. Her whole body was shaking and her grasp on my hand was limp. She looked ready to pass out any second. I knew I would have to probably do most of the talking. And explaining. What was I supposed to say? "Sorry, Mr. And Mrs. Nash, but Ellie and I have sex all the time and now she's pregnant?" Somehow, I didn't think that would go over well with the parentals.

"Well? What do you have to tell us?" Ellie's mom asked. I gave her a look and she looked back at me, eyes wide and her hands wringing. She suspected. I knew it.

I held onto Ellie's hand and placed it in my lap and licking my lips. "Um... Well... You see..." Dammit. This was hard. "Ellie came over upset because..."

"I'm pregnant."

Damn. I didn't realize she was just going to come right out and say it like that.

Both of Ellie's parents froze, shock written all over their faces. Mr. Nash swallowed hard and moved forward in his seat, but sat back after a second not knowing exactly what to say.

"I'm sorry, mommy and daddy."

I glanced at Ellie and saw how young she looked. How worried. She was only fifteen. This really wasn't good. I blinked and watched as Ellie's dad got up off of the couch and walked out of the room without saying a word. Her mom went after him. Wow...

"Daddy?" Ellie choked out. She gave me an incredulous look and flew off the couch to find her dad. Leaving me alone.

**Ellie's POV**

"Your dad is tired. He doesn't want to be bothered."

"Mom! I have to talk to him!" I followed her towards her bedroom. The door was already shut and I knew my dad was in there, upset to say the least.

My mom suddenly turned around and grabbed me in the biggest hug I had ever received from her my entire life. My arms went slack at my side. I didn't know what to do. But she kissed the top of my head and told me it would be fine, but her tears were falling onto my face. I remembered that she too got pregnant at my age. And I realized that she understood me. For the first time in my life, I think my mom understood me.

I woke up the next morning and tip-toed down to my dad's study. He was usually there in the mornings, making a few quick phone calls and getting all his papers together. Maybe if I could just talk to him alone, I could make him understand that I didn't mean for any of this to happen. That I was scared and I needed him to help me.

The door was already open to the study and my dad was sitting at his desk, his head in his hands, sobbing. I don't mean a few tears, I mean _sobbing_. His shoulders heaved up and down with every cry and my heart plummeted. How could I have done this to him? I had always tried so hard to make him so proud of me, and I go and get pregnant. What kind of daughter am I?

I put a hand on his shaking shoulder and squeezed lightly. He didn't look up but he covered my hand with one of his own. "Daddy?"

My dad raised his head and wrapped his arms around my waist, bringing me to a seat on his lap. This is how I always used to sit. And he'd tell me stories and sing me songs and we would just talk about everything. I rested my head on his shoulder and he rocked back and forth. "I love you, Elle-belle."

"I love you, too, daddy."

**But everything isn't entirely okay. Ellie and Sean are in for the ride of their lives. Let's just see how well they handle pregnancy, moving in together, speculations, and, most of all, Ellie's problems. **


	2. Learn to Deal

**Chapter 2: Learn to Deal**

**Sean's POV**

I leaned my back against Ellie's locker, checking my watch for the fiftieth time. She had to be getting here soon. We hadn't talked since her parents found out. I felt that maybe I should let her and her family have a little room for the moment. Now, I was anxious to hear what had gone down.

"Hey Sean. Waiting for Ellie?" Marco smiled at me as he started to open his locker.

I shrugged. I didn't know how much Marco knew. Usually Ellie told him everything. And I mean _everything_. So, maybe he knew about her being pregnant. It would make sense for her to run to him for advice. Then againâ€ I hadn't really noticed her and Marco talking lately. She hadn't been talking to anyone lately. Everyone was too caught up in trying to help her that they barely even paid attention to her anymore. How messed up was that?

"Yeah, just waiting for her," I finally answered him.

Marco shoved a few books onto his shelf and closed the door quietly. "Yeah, I haven't seen much of her lately. Ever since everyone found out aboutâ€ well, you know. The whole purging thing. We're going to meet in the library today at lunch. We're thinking of asking Ms. Suave to join us."

My eyes widened, "Are you kidding? Ellie would freak. She doesn't like Ms. Suave."

"Well, Ellie's not going to know."

I let out an impatient sigh and ran a hand through my hair. "You know, maybe I didn't really see her making herself throw up. Maybe I made a mistake."

"Did you see her Sean or not?"

I stared at a group of seniors down the hallway. What was I supposed to do? Tell the truth and get Ellie in trouble or not and let Ellie continue to hurt herself. She had enough to worry about with the baby and everything. She didn't need any added stress. But she could also hurt the baby if she continued to do this to herself. I was between a rock and a hard place. "Listen, I don't know. Okay? She's coming. Let's talk about this later."

"Meet us at lunch?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I might eat with Ellie today."

"Hey boys," Ellie greeted as she came to her locker.

I gave her a smile and held her backpack while she opened the door. Little things like that made her smile. Today was no different.

"Hey Elle. My mom's making chicken alfredo tonight. You should come. You can too Sean."

Ellie hesitated and glanced down at her stomach before giving Marco an answer. "Wellâ€ I don't think I can-"

"We'll be there," I finished. She gave me a look and I raised my eyebrows a bit.

Marco noticed the awkward exchange but didn't say anything. "Cool. Dinner's at 7:30. Ciao."

Ellie shut the door to her locker. "Oookayâ€ What was that about?"

"What? Free food for me. Plus, you need to start eating more if you're going to have a baby."

"Wow. How about you say it a bit louder so the entire world can hear you."

"What's your problem? How are your parents? What's going on?"

"Nothing's my problem except I feel queasy and I'm pregnant, my parents are fine, and I have a doctor's appointment after school on Wednesday. You should come."

"I'll ask off of work. I should be there. Soâ€ your parents are okay with it?"

Ellie slid to the floor and sat back against her locker. I followed her lead. "Well, they were upset. Of course. Like any normal parent would be. But they know they can't really do anything so they've accepted it and they're going to help out. I don't know how they feel about you, though."

"What do you mean?"

"You got me pregnant."

"Not intentionally!"

"But you still did. My mom can't get over the fact that we've had sex. She mentions it every chance she can."

"And you say"

"I tell her that so did her and dad at my age. And then she shuts up and lets me go on with my life. My dad is kind of quiet about it but he's constantly reminding me how much he loves me."

I entwined my fingers with hers and kissed right underneath her ear. "He's not the only one."

"What?" Ellie looked at me incredulously.

I nervously licked my lips. "He's not the only one who loves youâ€ I love you."

She didn't say anything. I waited for her to respond with an "I love you, too" but nothingâ€ I tried again. "I'm in love with you."

Ellie took her hand away from mine and stood up quickly. "I'm going to be late for class. I'll talk to you later."

I looked at my hands as she walked away. I told her I loved her for the first time and she walked away without even acknowledging my feelings. I wanted to blow it off and not feel embarrassed, but that was impossible. I felt extremely embarrassed. Here I was, Sean Cameron, seemingly inept of all feelings, practically pouring my heart out to this girl and she ignores me. I'm such a loser.

**Ellie's POV**

I slammed the door to the bathroom open and looked around nervously. No one was out in the open. I checked underneath all the stalls. Nope. No one was there at all. I had to make this quick though. I closed the door behind me and sat on the top of the toilet, pulling my grey arm warmer down.

How could he have said that to me? I grabbed the tiny razor from my purse and drug it along my arm. Breydon was the only other boy who has ever told me that he was in love with me. None of the other boys I've carelessly hooked up with or shamelessly chased after ever loved me. They just used me and then ignored me. And I went back to them over and over hoping that someday they'd feel something for me- that they'd start to get emotionally attached to me, but they never did.

I've grown used to the fact that I'm unlovable. Even Marco couldn't love me. A tiny line of blood beaded up on my arm. All the stress seemed to pour out of me at that moment. That line was for Sean telling me that he loves me. The next line I made was for me walking away. The next was because I couldn't return the emotion. The last line was for me getting pregnant. That line was the deepest and the longest.

Lunchtime rolled around and I searched the hallways for Sean. No such luck. Dammit. Where did he sneak off to at this time? None of my friends were in the cafeteria, or outside, or in the study hall room. Wellâ€ maybe I'd get some studying out of the way. I headed towards the library and pulled on the heavy oak doors.

Soâ€ that's where everyone was. Marco and Ashley and everyone were seated at a large table near the back of the library. And Sean was with them. Why was Sean with them? He never really hung out with them? As I came closer I noticed they were all talking in low whispers with serious expressions on their faces. What was going on?

"Hey." I rested my hands on the back of Sean's chair and leaned forward.

They all froze in mid-conversation and put fake smiles on their faces. Okay. Couldn't they pretend a little better than that? Sean craned his head around to look at me and smiled. "I was waiting for you."

"Huh?"

"Well, I couldn't find you so I figured you'd be eating lunch with Marco and Ashley. So I followed them in here."

Oh. Sean scooted his chair back and patted his lap for me to sit down. I obliged and wrapped my arms around his neck as he wrapped his around my waist. My waist that would soon be expanding even more. Just the thought made me want to throw up. Or die. Either one would work.

"So what were you guys talking about?"

"Uhh"

"Well"

"Ummm"

Yeah. So obviously they had been talking about me. My eyebrow arched and I fixed them all with a haughty look. I could take it. Ashley cleared her throat and gave a quick shrug. "We were just talking about what we were all going to do this weekend. Sean's thinking about having a party."

Sean stiffened and I gave him a look, "You are?"

"Yeahâ€ I amâ€ I guess" He glared at Ashley and she lifted a shoulder in defense.

"That'sâ€ weird." I couldn't imagine Sean having a party and formally inviting all of them. This was all just tooâ€ weird. Totally unlike Sean.

I tried to give Sean a sign or hint that I wanted to go and talk by ourselves for the rest of the lunch period, but he never looked at my again. Sure, he was holding me and everything, but it wasn't a comforting hug. It was like it was a duty or something for him. God. What did I expect? I had totally just ignored him before and now I expected him to give me all his attention. I was seriously becoming demented.

"Where's your lunch, Ellie?" I looked up trying to figure out who had asked that. Jimmy? Craig? No. Spinner.

"Why do you care, Spinner?" I retorted back at him. That kid was always on my last nerve.

He picked up his can of cheese spray and put a huge blob into his mouth. So gross. Even worse, he smiled as he chewed on it. Ick. I turned my attention back to massaging Sean's head with my fingernails. He looked up at me and gave me a quick smile, but I could tell he totally did not mean it. Great. I had officially fucked up.

I trailed a few kisses from Sean's jaw to his collarbone hoping to get some sort of response out of him. He didn't take his eyes off of his book. For once, he wanted to study while I wanted to fool around. Now I know I messed up. But is it so much to ask for him to put his study biology book down and make out with me for, like, five minutes? I fell back against my side of the bed and sighed loudly, hoping he'd get the point.

He didn't.

So I sighed again. This time was even louder and he still didn't move an inch.

What was I supposed to do? Jump on top of him and rip off his clothes to get some sort of affection? I was not going to be that pathetic. Plus, I just wanted to kiss. Nothing big. I didn't want to go down on him or anything. Justâ€ kiss. That's all.

"Will you quit doing that?"

Oh, so he speaksâ€ I turned my gaze away from the ceiling and met his. "Quit doing what?"

"Making that noise."

"What noise?"

"You're 'I'm annoyed' sigh. It's getting old."

God! I glared at him and turned over onto my side so I wouldn't have to look at him anymore. You would think he would be nicer to me seeing that I'm pregnant and not having a very good life at the moment. But no. He has to go and act all shitty because I don't love him. What a jerk. Is it my fault that I learned along time ago to not fall so quickly for someone and he didn't?

**Sean's POV**

I watched as she turned onto her side after giving me her death glare. I couldn't do anything right with her. I can't act distant. I can't get too close. Nothing is good enough for her. I thought that girls wanted to hear that they were loved. I guess not. It's not exactly the easiest thing in the world telling a girl how you feel only to get burned.

But maybe she wasn't ready. I was taking it pretty hard out on her. Giving her the cold shoulder, pretending to study while she tried to instigate a make-out session, snapping at herâ€ All this while she's carrying my kid. Things have to be pretty rough on her and I go and confess my feelings. Maybe what I said wasn't so wrong. Maybe it was just wrong timing.

I turned on my side so I was facing her back and scooted closer to her on her bed. Maybe we could sort all this out before her parents came home. "Elle?"

She didn't say anything. Okay, I deserved this. "Elle?" I tried again, this time running my hand up and down her arm. Just touching her shot tingles throughout my body. "I'm sorry."

She turned around quickly and threw her arms around me. "I'm sorry, too. Really, I am. I'm just"

"Having hormonal imbalance?"

"Yeah, how did you know that word?"

"Some of us have been researching."

"Ohmigod. Are you seriously researching pregnancy?"

"Yeah."

"How lame is that."

"Very"

She kissed me. "But sweet. Very sweet."

"Well, I just thought one of us should be prepared."

"What is there to prepare for? I go through nine months of horror to go through probably fifty hours of excruciating painful labor. While you sit back and watch. Is that good for you?"

I grimaced and kissed her on the forehead. "That sucks."

"But I'll get drugs."

"Yes, you will get drugs."

"And I will be very doped up."

"I hope so."

I leaned in and kissed her on the mouth.

"Maybe you should go."

I pulled my hoodie back on. "Why?"

"Because" She zipped her skirt up and grabbed her shirt laying on the bed. "Truthfully, my dad will kill you if he sees you."

"I can't avoid him forever."

"Yes you can."

I shook my head and started my way downstairs after her. There was no way I just going to run away whenever her dad was nearby. That was ridiculous to even think about.

The front door open and closed and Ellie turned around and tried to shoo me back upstairs. I looked at her as I walked past her down the stairs. It was time for her dad and me to talk.

"Ellie? We're home."

Mr. Nash walked up to the stairs and looked up at both of us. I saw him clench his jaw and his fists before giving me a tight smile. Okay. Maybe I should have left. He looked like he wanted to kill me.

"Hi daddy," Ellie ran down the rest of the stairs and gave her dad a quick hug before facing me. The terrified expression on her face wasn't helping matters at all.

"Hi Mr. Nash," I extended my hand for him to shake but he ignored it and walked towards the kitchen.

"Dad!" Ellie's voice had a warning tone to it and she followed him into the kitchen, giving me a signal to wait here. Great. I'd just twiddle my thumbs while her dad thought of a way to kill me.

**Ellie's POV**

"Dad, you're being ridiculous."

"Well, what am I supposed to do? Congratulate him on getting you pregnant? I don't think so."

"It's not he forced me dad. Believe me, I didn't stop him."

"Ellie, I don't even want to hear that, okay?"

"Well, you have to if you're going to be treating Sean this way. He's my boyfriend. We're having a baby. Deal with it."

"I'm trying, but it's hard. Okay?"

I sighed and took my dad's hand in mine. "I know, daddy. Butâ€ you just have to. Sean's going to be here a lot. He's going to be a part of this family."

My dad sneered and slammed his glass of water down on the table.

"Dad, you always tell me you'd do anything for me"

"And I would!"

"So show me. Don't treat Sean like this. He deserves better."

I gave my dad my famous "pretty please" pout and batted my eyelashes. It gets him every time.

"Fine"

Yep, it hasn't failed me yet.


	3. Going Under

**Chapter 3: Going Under**

**Ellie's POV**

So being pregnant sucks. It really, truly does. I get sick, I'm moody, and I can barely ignore the hunger pains in my stomach. Seriously, I'm trying to force food down my throat, but it's not easy. I'm never this hungry. I'm not used to this "eating for two" business. But Sean's doing everything he can to make sure I take care of myself. I'm so grateful for him.

It's been about two weeks since we found out that I'm pregnant. My parents are being great about it. Seriously. My mom is acting so cute- getting me books on being pregnant, already shopping for baby clothes and toys, taking complete care of me. We're becoming really close. I missed this. Her and me sitting down and talking each night about school and work and everything. It's nice to get back to that. I can't help notice that the other night she had a glass of wine with dinner... and she stopped. Only one glass. I know she went to therapy and everything, but I've always been leery of just how well she's doing. Now I think I can actually trust her again.

My dad is still acting a bit rough around the edges towards Sean, but that can be expected. He's being civil, I can say that much. I'm trying to get Sean to go golfing with my dad one weekend, but Sean pretty much vetoed that idea right from the start. But I'm still working on it.

No one else knows. Not even Marco or Ashley. It's hard keeping this huge of a secret from them, but Sean and I decided not to tell anyone until we're completely ready. I hope I'm ready soon because it's seriously killing me to not be able to talk with them about it. Especially when Marco asks me if something is wrong. I mean, if Sean and I tell one person, the whole world is going to find out about five minutes later. Gossip travels fast at Degrassi.

"Jay knows."

I looked up from my bag of carrot sticks and gaped at Sean, "What?"

"Jay knows. He found out."

"You _told _him? How could you tell him? I thought we specifically decided that we weren't going to let anyone know until I was further along."

"I didn't tell him. He came over last night and saw that stupid book you left out."

"Excuse me, you were looking at that book when I left. Don't blame this all on me."

"I'm not blaming anything on you."

"Yes, you are!"

"No, I'm not!"

Our eyes met and we chuckled softly. "How stupid are we being?" Sean asked as he laced his fingers into mine.

"Very," I affirmed. "He's not going to tell anyone about me being-"I glanced at the table next to me with Ashley, Paige, Spinner, all of them sitting at it. "Pregnant?" I whispered the last word so no one but Sean could hear.

Sean took a sip of his coke and shook his head, "No way. Jay wouldn't do that."

"I wouldn't do what?"

We both look up to see Jay and his friends... should I say thugs?... standing in front of the table Sean and I were occupying. From the look on his face, he didn't look like he was in a very secretive mood. In fact, he appeared to be gloating.

Jay crossed his arms slowly and lifted his chin, smirking. "So when is the baby due?"

Silence fell over the table next to Sean and me. Great... Paige and Spinner decided to shut up for once just as my huge secret was being let out. It's pretty ironic when you think about it. I stole a glance out of the corner of my eye at the table. Everyone was just _staring _at me, their mouths gaped wide open.

Sean stood up so fast he knocked his chair over, "What are you talking about, man?"

"Ellie- she's pregnant. When is she due?"

Slowly, I could hear murmurs starting their way around the cafeteria. I could even feel my face turning red and my fingers gripping the edge of the table, as if holding on for dear life. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't anything go right for me just once? Here I was, trying to make the right decisions, trying to be a good person, and, once again, I'm overcome with bad things. It's true what they say- bad things happen to good people.

"Shut the hell up, man! You don't know shit!" Sean got up into Jay's face and they stared off at each other.

"Cameron, how do you even know it's yours? She's a slut. You really going to fight me over her?"

Sean drew his fist back and quickly connected it with Jay's eye, sending Jay reeling to the ground. Jay was up in seconds, lunging towards Sean and knocking him over, causing a full scuffle on the cafeteria floor. I stepped forward to help and try to break them apart, but Marco held me back. Mr. Simpson and Ms. Kwan both ran over to see what all the commotion was about and immediately stopped the fight.

"Hey! What is going on here?" Mr. Simpson shouted angrily as he stood between Jay and Sean.

Jay nodded towards Sean, "He started it. He hit me first. I was just congratulating him and Ellie on the good news."

"Jay-" Sean started.

"He knocked her up. They're expecting."

Mr. Simpson and Ms. Kwan flashed each other a worried glance. Ms. Kwan took my arm and started to lead me out of the cafeteria. "Ellie, maybe you should come with me."

I grabbed my arm back, "No. I want to stay with Sean."

"Well, Sean and Jay are both going to Mr. Radditch's office."

I watched helplessly as Mr. Simpson led Jay and Sean off towards the other end of the cafeteria. Great, once again I messed things up. Here Sean was, just trying to defend me, and now he's in trouble.

Ms. Suave leaned forward slightly and opened her mouth as if she were going to say something, but shut up quickly. Good. I didn't feel like having to hear her talk about shit. I just wanted to see Sean and talk about what happened and not have to sit here and stare at her for the rest of the day. Teachers had thought it best if I talked with her for the rest of my classes. Funny how no one asked my opinion or what I wanted to do.

If it were up to me, I'd be with Sean right now, watching him work on cars or something. Or I'd be in the bathroom, taking something sharp to my arm and releasing all the pain I feel. Or I'd be locked in some stall snorting a line to make me forget what a shitty life I have. I'd be anywhere but here.

"Ellie, I really think we should talk about this. I mean, is it true? Are you pregnant?"

How stupid could she be? "Do you honestly think I'd sit here and waste my time if it weren't?"

Ms. Suave smiled slightly and I realized that she liked my attitude at times. I guess it did liven the place up a bit. It must get dismal in this office, listening to kids and their problems and never really being able to help. She didn't help Paige win her trial or notice that Ashley was depressed. She hasn't helped me one bit. I'm still as fucked up as ever and no one seems to care.

"I guess not." She sighed and it made me think that maybe _she _didn't want to be here either. Maybe this isn't what she wanted to do in life. Maybe she had wanted to be famous or travel or just own her own little business. And, instead, she was stuck in this shit hole. "When did you find out?"

"A few weeks ago."

"Did you know before then or did you guess...?"

"Yeah. I figured as much."

"So, how far along are you?"

"Few months. I don't know. My first doctor's appointment is Wednesday. I guess I'll find out then."

"How did Sean take the news?'

"Surprisingly well. He's pretty excited."

"That's good. But it's not going to be easy. Is it safe for me to presume that your parents know?"

"Yes, they know."

"And...?"

"They're getting used to it."

"That's good."

"Yeah..."

Silence. Followed by more silence.

Finally Ms. Suave broke it. "You're involved in the newspaper, yearbook, art club, photography club, your co-op... That's a lot of responsibility to take on while you're pregnant."

"I can handle it."

"Are you sure? Because I could always give Caitlin a call and we could find someone else..."

"_I can handle it_." Jesus. How many times did I have to say it? I've handled everything before; I can handle it still.

The motion of the clock's minute hand was tedious. It just dragged. By the time school let out, I was practically foaming at the mouth I was so delirious. I sprinted down the hallway, hoping to catch up with Sean, when I heard him call my name.

"Elle!"

I turned around and started to walk towards him as he walked towards me. "Hey. How are you?" I bit my lip waiting for his reply. Hopefully he would still get his financial aid.

"I'm fine. They barely touched me. I have detention for a few weeks, but that's about it."

"And Jay?"

"Same. Except he has to write an essay for Ms. Kwan on respecting other people's privacy. Fifteen pages."

"Ouch."

"Yeah... Thank God I didn't get _that _punishment. I'd be in real trouble."

He tossed me that irresistible half-smile and I almost melted. God. How cliché do I sound right now? Wait, I can answer that. Very. But who can blame me, right? He's hot. He fights for me. And he's charming. And, most of all, he stands by me.

**Marco's POV**

I have entered the Twilight Zone. I am now in a world where my best friend... my ex-girlfriend, gets pregnant by a guy who can barely speak or read. Who's only form of communication is his fist. A world where my best friend, who I thought told me everything, is actually keeping a whole other life from me. A life where she cuts her arms, starves herself, and has sex mindlessly with said boy.

And, yet, she's still the same girl. She's still the most intelligent person I know, the most caring, the only person who would literally lay her life down for you, who puts aside everything to help another person out, who doesn't even think of herself... She still wears too much black and way too much eyeliner to be healthy and she still writes opinion pieces for The Grapevine and she still doesn't take shit from anybody. She still carries her video camera around with her wherever she goes, you can still hear her strumming her guitar every night, tinkering around on my family's piano as we set the table, or doodling the most extravagant masterpieces in her notebooks.

But something has changed. I don't know exactly what it is yet, but it's there. I find myself not calling her as much as I used to. Instead, I call Paige more or even Spinner. But when we are together, it's just like old times. We still laugh all the time, we're still able to have serious discussions- discussions I couldn't have with anyone else on earth. We still eat too much candy and steal meaningful glances at each other. But I feel... guilt.

Because she has put so much more into this relationship than I ever have. And I've _used_ her. I've used the one girl who means the most to me. I've expected impossible things from her. I wanted her to pretend forever. I never wanted to stop being her "boyfriend". And I know that if I had urged her, pleaded with her, she would still be my "girlfriend" even now. She would have never told everyone that we had broken up that day at the beach.

I didn't even know her father had left for the war until Ashley had told me five weeks after the event. I didn't even stop to wonder why she was acting so depressed. Or wonder why she always covered her arms up. Dammit. I should have known that she was hurting herself. And she still is. And it's the scariest thing I've ever seen. I thought Ellie had had it all together. That she was beyond perfection.

But she doesn't have it all together.

I abandoned my best friend to sit at the popular table.

**Sean's POV**

A knock sounded on my door and I threw down a book I was reading for English to go answer it. Ellie's dad had picked her up about an hour ago. Maybe she had forgotten something. A quick scan around the living room as I walked through it let me know that she hadn't. Maybe it was Jay...

... Or Marco.

"Hey Mar-"

Marco shoved me. Hard. Which surprised me. I stumbled against the wall. "Shut up! Who the hell do you think you are?"

I straightened myself back up and looked at Marco. "What are you talking about, man?"

"You! And Ellie! She's pregnant! What the hell are you doing?"

This little, skinny boy wouldn't stop shoving me. If it had been anyone else I would have gone crazy and grounded them, but this was Ellie's best friend. She'd kill me before I touched him. "Jesus, Marco. Calm down."

Marco shoved me one last time and then started to pace back and forth in the kitchen. "If you hurt her, Sean. I swear... I will kill you. Don't you hurt her. Do you have any idea how much I care about that girl?"

"Marco, I _know_."

"I love that girl. Don't hurt her."

And he left. Was this deja-vu or something? I could have sworn I had this conversation with Marco before. Didn't he understand that I already knew how much he cared about Ellie? He didn't have to go and threaten me.

Man, he is so lucky that Ellie's his best friend. Otherwise, he'd be a dead man now.

**Ashley's POV**

Why do I feel like I'm reliving the whole Craig and Manny pregnancy thing? Is this someone's way of punishing me? Of making me think back to that whole fiasco? I'd rather not remember.

I can't believe Ellie's pregnant. I never thought of her as one who would be so careless. Doesn't she realize that you're supposed to use a condom? Maybe Dr. Sally needs to come and have the "sex talk" again. Obviously some people weren't paying attention.

I'm so disappointed in her right now.

**Paige's POV**

Oh God. So now I have to look at Ellie being pregnant for the rest of the year. I swear, she'll do anything to get attention. She acts like she could care less, but, in all actuality, she lives for it. It's so pathetic.

Well, good luck to her. She officially ruined her life.

**Craig's POV**

At least Ellie's keeping the baby. And Sean is going to have a real family now. Lucky him. I don' t know. Ashley doesn't think they're going to make it... I do.

**Spinner's POV**

I knew she was easy.

**Jimmy's POV**

I'm so glad she turned me down last year. Otherwise, I could have some kid calling me "daddy" in a few months.

**Hazel's POV**

Personally, I don't see why everyone is getting all fired up about it. I think babies are cute. Ellie's lucky she's going to have a little tyke running around. Sure, they're a lot of work, but it's totally worth it when they say their first words or take their first steps... She doesn't seem too upset about it, so why should everyone else?

**Emma's POV**

Wow. Leave it up to Sean to screw up Ellie's life.

**Manny's POV**

Poor Ellie. Really. Poor Ellie. She must be going through hell right now. I felt like my world was ending when I found out. I can't believe she's keeping it. I guess she just feels like maybe she is ready. Hopefully she won't make a choice she regrets later on.

**Ellie's POV**

"Come in!" I called out as I conjugated French verbs.

"Hey..."

"Marco!" I turned around in my chair and smiled shyly at him. I still didn't know how he had reacted to the news. Was he going to freak out on me or would he be totally cool with it?

"So... How are you?"

"I'm good. What about you? You look upset. Is something wrong? Is it Dylan?"

"No. I'm just... Ellie, you're pregnant. Don't you understand what that means?"

"Yeah, it means I'm going to have a baby," I said matter-of-factly.

"And you're okay with this?"

"I have to be."

"Yeah, I guess so."

I joined Marco on the edge of my bed and took one of his hands in mine. "Marco, don't worry about me. I'm going to be fine. Sean's taking care of me, I'm taking care of myself, my parents were okay with it... You don't have to worry!"

Marco nodded sullenly, and I tried to make him smile, but he wouldn't. He seemed so preoccupied with something. Suddenly he looked up and met my gaze. "Marco?" I asked.

As soon as the question left my mouth, Marco was leaning towards me and his lips met mine. His hands crept up my neck and held the back of my head. Oh. My. God. Marco was kissing me. Marco was kissing me. Marco was kissing me. What was I supposed to do?

**This might complicate things... So thanks for the reviews. Hope you keep on reading! :)**


	4. Crash Into Me

**Chapter 4: Crash Into Me**

**Ellie's POV**

All I could think was that Marco- my best friend Marco, my soulmate, my _gay _ex-boyfriend- was kissing me. Hard. As if he meant it. I knew this was no little friendly kiss. This was passionate. Searching.

And it was wrong.

"Marco!" I pulled back and pushed him away from me, sending him off the bed.

Marco quickly stood up and ran a quivering hand through his hair. "Ellie-"

"No!" I held my finger up and shook my head. "You don't talk. Don't you understand that you can't just do this to me? You can't just kiss me and expect me to be okay with it and kiss you back and then we'll live happily ever after. You're _gay_. That's what you are. You can't keep switching back and forth what you are."

"I know, Ellie. If you'd let me explain."

"I'm not finished yet!" I screamed. "You can't waltz in here, kiss me, and expect everything to be alright. Because it can't be. I have a boyfriend. I'm having my boyfriend's baby. You and me? We gave this a shot. You turned me down. You burned me. You _used_ me. Don't do this to me. Seriously, I can't mess this up anymore than I already have."

"Mess what up?"

"Sean!"

He took a step towards me, but I stepped back from him. I stayed on my toes. "We don't have to talk about Sean, okay?"

"No. We have to talk about Sean. Marco, if you're my friend, you won't do this to me. You won't make me feel this way. I'm not going to become some stupid bitch who lies and cheats on her boyfriend just because her soulmate decides he wants to string her along again. You just love to keep me hanging on."

Marco covered my mouth with his hand and sighed. "Ellie, you're going to shut up now and listen to me. Because I can explain. And it's really not as bad as you think."

I ripped his hand away from my face and walked across the room. Didn't he realize it was worse than he thought? If he knew what I was feeling for him right now... How much I just wanted to jump on him because I loved him before I met Sean and I still love him. And he was the one who got away from me. Who tore my fucking heart out and now I just want to hand it back to him. It's like love suicide or something.

"I kissed you because I wanted to see what I was missing out on. I'm upset. Dylan and I are over. My best friend is going through a tough time right now-"

"You mean _Paige_?" My voice was dripping with sarcasm. Yes, I was jealous. Because now he tells Paige everything. And no matter how many times he's told me he wants to hang out with me more or that he'll call me later or that we need to spend more time together, he never means it.

"Dammit, Ellie. You. I know I'm an asshole, okay? You don't have to keep rubbing it in."

"Oh, I'm sorry. How thoughtless of me."

"You're pregnant. And I feel guilty because I haven't been your friend lately. I've been horrible to you. And I'm just trying to say I'm sorry. And I got caught up in the moment. Don't you realize how much I want to be normal? How much easier it would be to just be with you?"

"Well, you can't. And you can't keep doing this to me. Jerking me around like this. You can't be my boyfriend, so either you be my friend or not. What is it going to be?"

"It sounds to me like you don't even want me around. Just because I can't be with you, that doesn't mean I don't love you. Because I do. We're soulmates. We're meant to be. And I'm trying to do the right thing here and tell you that I know I'm wrong, but you're not making it any easier on me."

I clasped my hands together behind my back to keep them from shaking. This was horrible. Were Marco and I seriously discussing our friendship? Actually deciding whether or not we could still be friends?

"But anyway, I still want to be your friend. I've always been your best friend. And I'm sorry I did this tonight. I was just trying to be something I'm not. I just wanted to see what it was like to be with you."

"And how was it?"

"Painful."

"Gee, thanks..."

"No. Not that way. Just... it's hard to explain."

"Yeah. I think I know what you mean. It's okay."

Tears sprung to my eyes. Why was this happening? Why did our friendship have to go through this and feel so threatened all the time? I don't know why this is happening to me. I've never done anything wrong. I've never hurt somebody. So why do I keep getting hurt?

Marco wrapped his arms around me and it made me feel a little better, but I was still shaken over the night's events. I feel horrible. I'm a horrible person. I have the most perfect boyfriend and all I can think about is this other guy. What kind of person am I?

**Ashley's POV**

Okay. There she was. Leaning against her locker and laughing with Sean as if nothing was wrong. How could she be so passé about all of this? Didn't she realize how much she was ruining her life by getting pregnant? Of course, I wasn't urging her to get an abortion. That is so wrong. But, I can't believe she was so careless in the first place.

But here I go again. I was not going to tell her what to do. No matter how much I want to do it, I won't. I'll let her live her life, make her own decisions, and do what she wants. I can't control her life.

I walked up to the happy couple and watched them for a few more minutes while they were oblivious to the fact that I was standing next to them. I swallowed hard. I had never been a huge supported of Sean and Ellie, but I had to give him major props for sticking with her. And the way he treats her, like she's the only person in the world. That's something Ellie needs. She's always felt like she's been ignored and to have someone give her his undivided attention is just what she needs to feel better about herself.

Sean brushed a piece of Ellie's hair away from her eyes and smiled, leaning in for a kiss. So romantic. Some girls got all the breaks...

"Hey Ash!" Ellie chirped. I broke out of my thoughts and looked at my best friend. I could see Sean sauntering back down the hallway, probably towards his shop class or something.

"Ellie, how's it going?" I was definitely worried about her. We didn't even get to talk yesterday about what had happened in the cafeteria.

"Fine." She had that tone of voice, like she didn't want to talk about it or something. How could we _not_ talk about it?

"Sure it is. Ellie, let's go talk."

"About what?"

"You know what. Come on." I grabbed her arm and led her towards the bathroom as she squirmed the entire way.

"Ashley, I really don't feel like talking right now. I have to go talk to Miss Hatzalakos and Ms. Kwan and..."

"And you're really stalling here. Stop making excuses."

We both hopped up onto the bathroom counter and sat silently, waiting for the other one to speak. Okay, she was playing hard to get. She expected me to give up and just walk away. I was not going to relent. This was my friend and I was going to do whatever it took to help her out. "When did you find out?"

Ellie rubbed at her hands, "Pretty recently."

"What did your parents say?"

"They were upset. Naturally. But... I don't know. They're getting better. My dad wants to kill Sean."

A laugh escaped me and my eyes watched as Ellie kicked her feet back and forth. "I bet he does."

A moment of silence passed between us, but it wasn't awkward. It was comfortable. I had forgotten how comfortable I feel around Ellie. I feel more in control. "Aren't you scared?" I couldn't help but ask it.

Ellie let out a deep breath and met my eyes for the first time during our conversation. "Like hell."

Her voice was barely audible it was so soft, but I still caught her words. I didn't even need to hear them. I could tell from her face. She looked so _young_ staring at me like that. Scared, hopeless, pitiful... but most of all young. This is what she must have looked like to Paige when Paige had found her cutting. Not even someone as cool as Paige could walk away from this face.

I reached over and grabbed Ellie into a tight hug. Ellie had always been the strong one, but now I had to be strong for her. I had to help her through this, let her know that she isn't alone, that I'm always here for her. I squeezed my arms even harder and sighed into Ellie's ponytail. This was the perfect picture of vulnerability.

**Ellie's POV**

I'm getting plenty of weird looks in the hallways. Seriously, you'd think nobody remembered Manny Santos. As if I was the first one or something... By the time lunch rolled around, I was sure I was the topic of everyone's conversations that day. God, did _everyone_ know?

Sean had to stay behind in Ms. Kwan's class and take some sort of quiz so I was left on my own for lunch. No worries. I figured I'd just work on a little homework to get it out of the way. I casually strolled towards my usual table outside, trying desperately to ignore everyone's looks, but somebody else had already claimed it.

"Hey."

I turned around and came face to face with Marco. We hadn't talked since last night. He gestured towards the table, "Do you want to sit with me?"

"You're sitting there?"

"Yeah, I figured I'd find you here."

I smoothed my skirt underneath me and sat down on one of the benches that flanked the small table. Marco sat next to me and started to peel an orange on his tray. "Who else is sitting here?" I motioned towards the second tray that was loaded with food.

"Oh, that's yours."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is. I got it for you."

"I'm not really hungry."

Marco threw down his orange. "Ellie, it wouldn't hurt you if you ate just once in your life."

I was slightly taken aback by the edge in his voice. What exactly did he mean by that comment? My hand went to my stomach on reflex. Marco ducked his head sheepishly. "Sorry... I didn't mean to snap. I'm just embarrassed by what happened last night."

I slowly pulled the tray towards me and looked over the contents. "Marco, don't be. Seriously. I'm over it."

"That's good. Because I don't know what I'd do if you ever stopped talking to me. I got you some carrots by the way. They're underneath that bag of chips."

I tossed the bag of chips aside and snatched the carrots. "Thanks, babe."

"Anytime. You're not going to tell Sean, are you?"

"Of course not. By the way, Sean told me how you threatened him last night?"

"Yeah... that..."

"Cute. Very cute. But you don't have to worry."

"Well, just so he knows..."

I took a nibble off of my carrot stick and smiled at Marco. His protectiveness of me was just so cute sometimes. _He _was just so cute sometimes. Like he was all flustered just before about kissing me. And that just reminds me of how much I wish he would kiss me again. And I'm the most horrible person in the world...

**Sean's POV**

Wednesday afternoon. Our first doctor's appointment. Kind of scary, but also exciting at the same time. Ellie's stressed out because we're running late and she's been sick all day, but I told her to just relax and everything is going to be fine.

"You try relaxing when you're carrying around a damn bowling ball."

"You're not even fat, Ellie. Stop being so dramatic."

She refused to talk to me after that so we walked the rest of the way in silence. One thing I wasn't enjoying was the fact that she has constant mood swings. And I can't even tell when one is going to start. She just snaps all of a sudden. And I know I shouldn't get angry because she's going through hell right now, but still, I do. And so we fight. And is this what it's like to be married and have children? Fighting all the time?

"Sean." I turned towards Ellie and watched as she licked her thumb and rubbed it at a spot on my cheek. "You had a little grease."

We both smiled and continued our walk. I was forgiven.

"You're a little over three months along."

"So she should be having the baby in like six months?" I couldn't believe it was already so soon. Six months felt like six days.

Ellie sighed heavily on the hospital bed. "Only?" she repeated sarcastically.

Dr. Martin smiled and rubbed his chin. "Only six months."

"Wow." In six months, I'd be a father. I'd be holding a little baby in my arms.

"Now, I have to say that Ellie, you need to be eating healthier and taking better care of yourself. Someone at your age, as tiny as you are...it can cause difficulties during delivery. Miscarriage, premature births, still-borns..."

I interrupted, "So she needs to eat more?" I knew the answer to that. But I wanted Ellie to hear it from a doctor herself.

"Exactly. Definitely needing to be eating more. And relaxing a little more. You're an awfully busy girl. You need to have some "me-time" also."

"Yeah, sure," Ellie scoffed and rubbed her stomach a little. "So when do you think I'll have an ultrasound done?"

"Next appointment. Okay, so go home and take it easy. Eat lots of healthy food, indulge a little."

We thanked Dr. Martin and walked out of the office. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I could imagine Ellie lying on the couch as I brought her drinks and donuts and pretzels and God know what else. This might actually be a fun experience.

How pathetic, huh? Degrassi's leading bad boy getting all soft in the heart over his pregnant girlfriend. But you know what? To hell with my image. All that matters to me right now is Ellie and our baby. And if I wanted to wait on her hand and foot, then so be it. I would do whatever the hell I wanted.

**Ellie's POV**

I leaned back against Sean and opened up my book for English. Maybe I could get a few pages in before dinner tonight. Which reminded me... "Stay for dinner?" I twisted my neck and looked behind me at Sean.

"If I _have_ to."

I laughed and went back to my reading. A few moments later I slammed my book shut and snuggled up against Sean's chest. There was no way I was going to be able to concentrate right now. Not when I had just gotten back from my first doctor's appointment.

"What are you thinking?" Sean looked down at me.

"About the appointment."

"I can't believe in six months we'll have a baby. Doesn't that sound crazy to you?"

"Yes. And next appointment we'll have a picture of him or her."

"Do you want to know what the sex of the baby is beforehand?"

"I'd rather keep it a surprise. But if you want to know..."

"I wanted it to be a surprise too. It's more fun that way."

I closed my eyes and started to imagine what our family would look like. Sean and I holding our baby for the first time, pushing it in its stroller for the first time, its first steps, first word... would it say mommy or daddy first? How were we going to decorate its nursery? There was so much stuff that still had to be done and so little time.

"Hey Elle?"

"Hmm?"

"Maybe... well, we're going to have a little family, right?"

"Yeah."

"And you're already my family. So, maybe, it'd be pretty cool if you moved in or something. So we can be a real family."

My eyes shot open and I sat up quickly. "Move in?"

"Yeah, we'll be moving in together sooner or later anyway, right?"

Truthfully, I hadn't even thought of that. But that was right, wasn't it? Naturally, Sean and I would start living together with our baby. Maybe he was right. Maybe we should just start now so things wouldn't be so awkward. Of course, I'd have to talk it over with my parents, but they wouldn't care. They're never around anyway.

I smiled. "We should definitely move in together."


	5. Bringing Up The Past

**Chapter 5: Bringing up the Past**

**Ellie's POV**

I carried my last box into Sean's apartment and threw it on the floor. "That's it!"

Sean stepped out of his bedroom and glanced wearily at all the boxes and bags surrounding his kitchen/living room quarters. "Wow. I didn't realize I asked Paige to move in."

I stuck my tongue out and wiped my hands on my pajama pants before stooping down to empty the boxes. I still couldn't believe I was actually moving in. It wasn't really _that_ big of a deal actually. I mean, I spent all my time at Sean's before, why should now be any different? Now I'd just be here... literally... all the time. Sean knelt down next to me and grabbed a box to empty. I smiled when our arms brushed against each other.

Sean looked at me, "I can't believe you're moving in."

"I was just thinking that."

"I'm surprised your parents were so cool about it."

I shrugged, "Well, you know. They're so busy as it is. They know they can't give me all the attention I need right now. My dad's going to be really busy traveling around, catching up on business, and mom... she just... she's always busy, too."

I hated how pathetic I sounded. Things were actually going pretty well with my parents. It's just that their careers will always come first. I can't compete with their jobs. So I have to learn to deal with it. After fifteen years, I still haven't dealt with it completely.

"You have me now, Ellie. I'll never be too busy for you."

"Thanks, Sean."

"You know, if you're going to be living here, we're going to need more food in the house. I'll scrounge around for some grocery money later on."

I sat back on my heels and brushed a strand of hair back into my ponytail. "We don't have to scrounge. My dad gave me some money."

"We can do it."

"Sean..."

"I don't want to take your dad's money, okay?" Sean snapped.

I flinched at his tone. What was wrong with him? What was the big deal? "Listen Sean, I know you have your pride and everything, but... we can't mess around. What we're in is serious. And if we need my dad's money to survive, then we're going to take it."

"But..."

I stood up and walked into the kitchen to grab a drink, calling out, "Sean, grow up!"

"How about this?" Sean held up yet another bag of greasy chips. He wiggled the bag around in my face for a little bit before I lightly grabbed it out of his hands and placed it back on the shelf.

"That is so disgusting," I wheeled the cart forward a little to look at the rest of the items in the aisle.

"Ellie. We've been shopping for an hour now and all we have is a pineapple and a jar of pickles. You have to do better than that."

"Sean..."

"Ellie, I'm _dying_ here."

I heaved a huge sigh and grabbed a bag of SunChips. "Fine, you can have those. At least they're a _little_ better."

"Ew. Are they healthy?"

"Healthy and chips don't really go together, Sean. But at least they don't have all that grease on them. Oh god, salsa. Sean, I want some salsa."

"Pick some out then."

"Okay." I grabbed a few bags of Tostitos and jars of hot salsa.

"You like it hot?"

"You know I liked it hot."

He laughed softly and grabbed me in a chokehold before nuzzling my head with his chin. I squirmed in his grasp but he managed to keep a hold of me. "Sean!"

"Fine, fine."

We walked down a few more aisles- me putting back everything Sean tried to sneak into the cart. I let Sean keep his Tony's party pizzas, though. Even I knew that boy couldn't live without pizza. I stopped short and looked at everything in the cart. The pizzas, salsa, chips, pickles, yogurts, eggs, milk, soda pop, juice, bread, bagels, and chicken. That looked pretty good. "Hey, Sean, I think we're fini- Oh! Wait!"

I wheeled my cart around to go down another aisle I had just passed. "Sean? You coming?"

Sean looked up from some bag of food he was looking at and gawked at what aisle I was going down. "Oh no! No way am I going down there."

"Relax, Sean. I'm getting deodorant. Not tampons. I don't even _need_ tampons now."

"Can you stop saying that word?"

"What? Tam-"

"Ellie!"

"Jesus Christ, Sean. You're so immature." I smirked as he tried to hide his eyes as we walked towards the other end of the aisle. He was so immature, but kind of in a cute way. I scrutinized the different deodorants. "Okay, what scent- peach or pear?" I showed Sean the two different containers.

"Ummm... Wait, let me smell." He grabbed both of the containers from me and quickly sniffed each one. "Peach."

"That's what I was thinking."

"Oooh, Sunrise Breeze? You can try that one. Or there's Midnight Sparkle." I couldn't believe it but he was actually going through every scent. He grabbed another container and opened it up before placing it in between us so I could smell it too. We both sniffed.

And looked at each other. "Peach," we said in unison before he put the cap back on and set it in its place.

**Sean's POV**

I settled down on my couch next to Ellie and sighed as I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. It had been a _long_ day for the both of us. Packing and unpacking, grocery shopping, writing lists of things we needed to do soon... I can't believe how much more mature I have become since living on my own. And now I have someone to share my little apartment with. I don't ever have to be alone again.

"Are you tired?" Ellie murmured as she flipped through her magazine.

I stretched out and put my feet on top of the coffee table before responding, "Kind of."

"Yeah. Did you want me to make you dinner?"

"No, that's okay."

"I promise I'd make it right this time."

"I don't want to take any chances."

"You're so funny."

I opened my eyes and looked at her. She peered at me over the top of her magazine and shook her head slightly, but I could tell by her eyes that she was smiling behind her magazine.

"Have you thought of any names for the baby yet?" She asked it so casually, as if this was an everyday topic- what we were going to name our baby.

I thought hard for a second. I really hadn't thought about it, I've been so busy just taking care of Ellie. "No, actually. Which is strange considering I've thought about just about everything else."

She put down her magazine and snuggled herself into the big pillow behind her back. "It's so strange, you know? I should be worrying about my chemistry test or my AP history paper, but instead I'm worrying about whether or not I'll be a good mom or not or if it'll be a boy or girl. I never thought I'd be thinking this at fifteen."

"Soon to be sixteen."

"Yes, soon to be sixteen."

I gazed at her stomach as she lightly rubbed it back and forth. I wondered if she could feel the baby yet. My guess was that it was probably too soon. She still was so little. You couldn't even tell she was pregnant.

"Are you scared?"

Ellie looked up at my question and shrugged. "Of course I am. I mean, I'm so young. I've always been so mature for my age and everything, but... this is in a whole different league. This is taking care of a little baby."

"But you're going to do great. You were great at the orphanage."

"I don't know..."

"Do you mind if I ask you why you chose to get an abortion the first time you got pregnant?"

She blinked at me surprised. I guess my question did kind of come out of nowhere. But I was really curious. I mean, what changed her mind now? Why did she decide now that she was ready?

"I-I guess I was too scared. I didn't have anyone. I mean, all my friends just kind of... abandoned me, I guess you could say. I was having a really hard time. Just- just everything was going wrong for me and I couldn't take the pressure. I didn't want anyone telling me what I could or couldn't do and I didn't want anyone dragging me down, especially not a baby. I really don't know how to explain it. I don't think anyone can really, truly understand it until they're in the position to choose."

"I agree with you."

"It was horrible. The place I went to... God, I can't even believe I was that desperate. A lot of things had happened between my parents and I. They didn't trust me anymore, they took away my allowance, I didn't have enough money. A friend told me he knew someone. It was the biggest dump I'd ever seen. It hurt. But it was over with."

"Wow..."

"Yeah, wow... I bet you didn't know what you were getting yourself into that day on the roof, huh?"

I laughed and laced my fingers through hers. "I knew _exactly_ what I was getting myself into... Can I tell you a secret?"

"Sure."

"That day at the orphanage- when you were playing tea party with those girls and holding the baby- I caught myself thinking that that was how it was going to be when we had kids."

"You did?" Her eyes got wide and she tightened her grip on my hand.

"Yeah... I couldn't believe I thought that. That's not something you think about everyday. I'd never thought that about a girl before. But it's true. You're going to be the best mom."

Ellie beamed at my words and leaned forward to give me a kiss. "And you're going to be a great daddy."

**Ashey's POV**

"Ohmigod! Look at her!" Paige pinched my elbow and nodded her head in the direction of Ellie coming through the front doors, holding hands with Sean. "She doesn't look big at all. I wonder how big she'll get? That's going to really depress her when she starts gaining all that yucky weight."

"Yeah, I bet it will." I shut my locker door and leaned my back against it, keeping my eyes on Sean and Ellie the whole time. How could she look so happy? This wasn't what someone was supposed to look like when they're pregnant. They're supposed to be upset and crying all the time and going psycho. Why wasn't she?

"Who are you guys looking at?" Hazel came up from behind us.

"Oh, just the mommy-to-be."

"Well, I think Ellie looks great. She has that whole healthy glow thing about her. It's about time, too. She was starting to look absolutely dead," Hazel clasped her hands and sighed. "Babies are so cute. They're happy! I think it's great!"

"You think it's great that she's pregnant?" I couldn't believe my ears. Was Hazel that naive?

Hazel shrugged, "Hey, if she's happy then it is great. You should be supporting her, Ash. Not speculating."

I hated when Hazel was right.

I took a seat next to Ellie in English class that day. I hadn't sat next to her in a long time. She looked up from whatever note she was reading and gave me a surprised look. "Who's that from?" I gestured towards her note.

"Marco."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So, um, how are things?"

"They're... fine. Well, as fine as they can be."

"Feeling sick?"

She shook her head slightly, "Not really anymore. I just feel... weird, I guess I'll call it. Different."

I took out my notebook and pen for class and set them on my desk. "I bet you do. Are things good with Sean and your parents?"

"I'm actually living with Sean right now."

"WHAT?!" I screeched. The whole room fell silent and even Ms. Kwan looked up from her computer. I sheepishly lowered my head and whispered to Ellie. "You're _living_ with him?"

"Yeah. We just thought it would be for the best."

"Wow. Things sure have changed."

"Tell me about it."

We glanced at each other and both started laughing, the uneasiness between us disappearing immediately. I don't know. I had a certain feeling that maybe things would be okay between us.


	6. Just An Average Day

1**Chapter 6: Just An Average Day**

**Marco's POV**

I knocked nervously on the door and fidgeted around in the hallway. _Please let her be home. Please let her be home._ I heard the doorknob turn behind me and I spun around just in time to see Ellie open the door. She gave me a small smile and I invited myself in. "Hey, El."

I rubbed my sweaty palms on the legs of my tight jeans and looked around the apartment. I could definitely tell Ellie was living there now. The place looked neater, homier in some way. Picture frames were scattered around with some of Ellie's photographs she's taken and others held pictures of me and her or her and Ashley and her and Sean... I noticed a moderate pyramid of empty grape soda pop cans were piled on the small kitchen counter and I had to laugh. That was Ellie for you. She's always been a phene for grape soda.

"Is Sean here?" I asked, my voice taking on a high-pitched sound. How embarassing.

"No," she walked over to the couch where I noticed she had a little bed set up and laid down. "He's working right now."

"Oh. Are you sick?"

"No, just... exhausted. Really exhausted."

I knelt down next to the couch and gave her a sympathetic look. She _did_ look tired. I took one of her small hands into mine and rubbed it comfortingly. "I just- Ellie, I- I'm not really good at this but I think I owe you an apology."

"For what?"

"For everything. I haven't been a really good friend to you this year. I've been so caught up with Dylan and hanging out with Paige and Jimmy that I've barely paid attention to you."

"Marco-"

"I'm not finished. I think it's good that Dylan and me-"

"Dylan and I."

"Yes, Dylan and I broke up because now I can focus all my attention on you."

Ellie gave me a real smile and shook her head slightly. "Don't beat yourself up over this. I've been preoccupied too with Sean and my co-op and... stuff... that I should have been trying harder, too."

I didn't even have to ask what she meant by "stuff". "Yeah, but... you've been trying harder than me. And I'm sorry for that. But now, you sit back and relax, while I wait on you hand in foot. Do you want me to make something for lunch? Or I can order in from somewhere."

Ellie snuggled deeper under her blankets and seemed to be thinking for a moment. She opened her eyes wider and burst out, "Chinese!"

"Chinese?"

"Yeah, I want Chinese."

"Didn't you have that just the other day?"

"Marco, don't argue with a pregnant girl. I _need_ Chinese."

"Okay, okay, okay." I went and grabbed the phone and phone book. "Where do you want to order it from?"

"Peach Garden."

I looked up the number as Ellie told me exactly what she wanted. "Lo Mein, fried rice, and chicken and broccoli?" She nodded and licked her lips slightly.

I had to smile. I mean, this was the girl who barely ever ate anything. Now she was begging me to order her food. Maybe this pregnancy would be a good thing for her. Get her back on the right track and everything. As I talked to the person from Peach Garden on the phone, I reached out my hand and placed it on her tummy, rubbing back and forth.

**Sean's POV**

I stumbled up the stairs that led to my apartment... I mean, mine and Ellie's apartment. All I wanted to do was jump into my favorite chair and watch TV for the rest of the night. Hopefully leave myself in a dazed stupor. It's not that it was late or anything, but a lot of manual labor had been done today at the garage. It seemed like everyone in existence had wanted their oil changed or their car washed or whatever today. I sniffed myself quickly and groaned at the smell of gasoline. Ellie would not appreciate that. I'd have to take a shower before I did anything else.

As I neared my door I started to smell something good. I sniffed again and licked my lips at the scent of Chinese. Maybe Ellie and I could order Chinese tonight while we watched TV. I remembered how tired she had looked when I left for work. She could barely get up.

I reached for my key, jiggling the doorknob like I always do, and the door opened. Dammit. How many times do I have to tell her to lock the door when I'm gone? What if someone had come in and tried to start something with her? I threw my unneeded key onto the kitchen counter and strolled into the living room, ripping my shirt off over my head.

"Hey Sean."

"Jesus!" I cried and pulled my t-shirt back on. No way did I want Marco checking me out. He already has before.

Ellie peeked over the back of the couch and laughed huskily. I could hear that her throat was scratchy. "How was work?" she managed to choke out.

"Fine. Hard. I need a shower." I meandered over to her and placed a quick kiss on top of her head.

She wrinkled her head and nodded. "Yeah, you sure do. I guess Marco and I can save a little Chinese for you..."

I laughed and kissed the top of her head one more time before heading off into the shower. The hot water felt good as it slid down my back. Maybe I could convince Ellie to give me a little massage tonight. I was in desperate need of one. I turned the shower off and heard a door open and close. It sounded like the front door. Marco must have left.

I quickly dried off and as I wrapped my towel around my waist the bathroom door opened. "Hey!" I called out, but stopped short when I noticed it was Ellie. _Of course it's Ellie. Who else would it be?_

She smiled and sat down on the toilet, her eyes watching my every move.

"What's up?" I squirted a gob of shaving cream into the palm of my hand and smoothed it on my face.

"Nothing," she sighed. "I think I'm getting sick. Can you hear it?"

I nodded and gave her a sympathetic smile. She stood up and took the razor from my hand before expertly dragging down the right side of my face. I wrapped my arms around her waist as she shaved my face for me. "There that's better." She squirted a little aftershave in her palm and rubbed it in before patting it on my face for me. I brought her in for a hug and she stood on her tiptoes, rubbing her cheek against mine. "You smell so good now."

I rubbed her back for a few seconds before letting go and grabbing my dirty clothes from the floor. I was about to walk out of the bathroom to go change when she grabbed my arm. "Wait one second. There's just one more thing..." I squinted my eyes at the serious expression on her face and the one hand behind her back. What was she up to?

"NO!" I shouted as soon as she brought her arm out and I saw the gleaming tweezers she held in her hand.

"It'll only take one second! I promise! It won't hurt."

"That's what you said last time and it _killed_."

"You are such a baby! Do you want to look like Burt from Sesame Street?"

"No, but I'd rather not be in pain for the rest of the night."

"I can not sleep with somebody who has a _bush_ growing out of his forehead. I just want to do a little landscaping... that's all."

I laughed at her analogy and sat down on the toilet seat. "Fine, but make it quick. And only do what is necessary."

I flinched each time she brought that stupid torture device close to my face. She had a sick smile on her face as she tweezed my eyebrows one by one. "You're a sick person, Ellie, you know that?"

"Oh, believe me. I know."

**Ellie's POV**

"Ugh! I feel so fat!" I whined and shoved my face into my pillow.

I peeked at Sean and saw him roll his eyes before going back to watching the boxing match.

"Do you not care that I am over here practically crying my eyes out?" I accused.

He didn't move an inch.

"Sean! I'm having an emotional breakdown and all you can care about is the tv."

Still no response.

I groaned and pushed my face back into the pillow. "Yeah, you sit by while I _smother_ myself to death."

...

"Don't think I won't!"

...

I pouted and flipped back over onto my back. What a jerk. Here I was _pregnant_, carrying his child, and he couldn't even pay one bit of attention to me.

"Hey, Ellie? Can you go grab me a beer from the fridge?"

I just glared at him until he looked over at me.

"What? What did I do?" Sean furrowed his freshly tweezed eyebrows.

I sighed and stood up to get him his beer. I'd cut him slack this one time. He supposedly had a rough day at work. I handed him a beer and strolled into the bathroom.

**Sean's POV**

"Ellie, did you see that?!" I laughed and pumped my fist. That move had been awesome. "Ellie?" I looked over to the couch, but she wasn't there.

Huh.

I flipped the TV off since the match was over and listened for her.

I never expected I'd be listening to her throwing up. It wasn't loud, but I could hear it faintly. Was she sick? Or was she... I shook my head. No way. She wouldn't be doing that. She wasn't doing that anymore. She was pregnant now. She couldn't be doing that.

**Ellie's POV**

I flushed the toilet and sack back on my heels. Ugh. That had been gross. But necessary. I pushed my hair out of my face and rubbed my eyes. I was so tired now.

"What are you doing?"

I jerked my head towards the doorway and my eyes widened when I saw Sean standing there. With that total accusatory look on his face. As if I had just done something wrong. Which I hadn't.

"Nothing! I got sick," I lied.

"Oh, really? You got _sick_?"

"Yes!" I lied again.

Sean glanced away at a moment, his fists clenching and unclenching as if he were trying to control himself. "Are you sure about that?"

I paused and looked at my shaking hands. They were shaking so _hard_. "Yes," I whispered.

Sean nodded shortly and left the doorway.

He was probably going back to watch his damn boxing. I stood up slowly and leaned against the wall. Who did he think he was? Ignoring me all night and then acting all holier-than-thou just now? I could do whatever the hell I wanted with myself. I didn't need to feel guilty about anything around him.

I walked back into the living room and stopped short when I saw that he was back in his chair watching _another_ boxing match. What the hell? My hands involuntarily reached for the picture frame on the end table and I chucked it at his head before slamming the bedroom door behind me and locking it.

**Jay's POV**

"She threw a picture frame at you?" I asked incredulously.

Sean shoved a fry into his pile of ketchup before shoving it in his mouth. "Yes," He replied. _Someone's not in a good mood today_. I shook my head laughing as I squeezed ketchup onto my plate.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing. Except 'The Perfect Couple' is having a lover's spat. It's awesome."

"Well, I don't see anything _awesome_ about it. So shut the hell up."

"You shut up."

"No, you shut up."

"Whatever, _Daddy_."

Sean glared at me and I shrugged innocently. It's not my fault he banged Ellie and knocked her up. "Can I ask what the picture was of?"

"Me and her at Homecoming."

We stared at each other for a second and laughed. I know Sean was acting as if the fight was no big deal, but I could tell he was worried. "Don't worry man. It'll all blow over."

"I slept on the couch last night. She wouldn't let me into the bedroom. And when I woke up she was gone."

"Probably out shopping or video taping people or whatever that girl does."

"Probably."

As if on cue the door flew open and Ellie sailed in, about fourteen bags in her hands. She flashed us a smile before disappearing into the bedroom.

Weird.

She strolled back out and surprised Sean by giving him a passionate kiss. Then she ruffled my hair and kissed my cheek. "How are my boys?" she chirped.

Very weird. But she looked insanely hot all at the same time. I allowed my eyes to follow her legs from the tennis shoes she was wearing to the short hemline of her ripped denim mini.

I looked over at Sean, waiting for him to answer her, but he was too busy opening and closing his mouth in confusion.

"We're.. . fine?" I offered.

Ellie nodded and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. "Well, I went shopping today."

I shared a look with Sean and then turned my attention back to Ellie. Maybe I'd humor her a bit and act as if I really cared about her shopping trip. Or maybe I'd just stare at her as she sat down on the arm of the couch. If she would just spread her legs a bit farther I'd be able to see up-

"Jay?" My head shot up and I realized I had actually been leaning over, trying to look up her skirt. Sean gave me a death glare and I shrugged.

"Sorry."

Ellie crossed her legs at the ankles and began her story over again. "I was just walking along and then I noticed this baby clothes store that had just opened so I decided to go in and take a little peek... And well, I couldn't help it. Wait until you see these little outfits Sean. They are beyond adorable. One has these precious little..."

_Blah. Blah. Blah._ I reached over and grabbed the remote and flipped the tv on.

Ellie stopped talking abruptly and sent me a look. I just ignored her, though. She thinks that just because she's going out with Sean that I seriously give a shit what she wants. I couldn't care less about her. He'd probably get rid of her soon anyway.

There was no way Sean could finish his high school career taking care of a baby.

And by baby I mean Ellie...

**Sean's POV**

"He's so damn rude! He's an asshole. How can you stand him?" Ellie waved her arms about as she paced back and forth in the bedroom.

I, for one, was just enjoying being in my bed again. Not that I wasn't confused by Ellie's sudden change in behavior though. But I guess retail therapy really does work. I hope she bought a new frame for that picture, though.

"Don't worry, Ellie. Jay will learn to love you. Just like I have."

"Thanks a bunch," she shot back sarcastically. She crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently.

"Just come to bed." I held out my arms waiting for her. There was no way she could resist the irresistible smile I was giving her.

I was right. She relaxed visibly and lifted the corner of her mouth into a smile before crawling onto the bed and into my arms.

"But will you seriously say something to him? I mean, he's going to have to get over whatever animosity he has for me. I'm not going anywhere soon."

I sighed and ran my fingers through her silky hair. "Fine, I will. But it's really no big deal. Jay acts like this all the time."

"Goody!" she muttered before closing her eyes and getting comfortable in my grasp.

I chuckled and closed my eyes too. "I love you," I heard her whisper.

I opened my eyes and looked down at her, her cheek against my chest. "I love you, too," I whispered back.


	7. Gaining Experience

**Chapter 7: Gaining Experience**

**Ellie's POV**

"Sean, we're going to be late if you don't hurry up!" I called from the kitchen where I was

packing some carrots and grapes in a baggy.

"Okay, I'm ready," Sean mumbled as he shuffled into the kitchen. "Some of us didn't sleep like babies last night."

"Well I'm _sorry_ I was so tired. It's hard being..."

"Pregnant. _I know_. But maybe next time you can stop complaining about how cold you are and you can stop kicking me under the covers. I was sweltering all night."

"Aw, poor baby. You were sweltering," I put on a fake sympathetic look and rubbed my eyes like I was crying.

Sean shot me a look as he grabbed his backpack and started for the door. "Keep that up and you won't be getting a birthday present."

I squealed and ran after him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders when I caught up. "Presents? For me?!" I gave him a big kiss on the cheek and rested my cheek on his neck.

Sean grunted and stopped walking. "There is no way I'm walking all the way to school with you hanging off my back like a monkey."

I let go of him and decided to just hold his hand as we strolled down the street. Sean and I had been living together for a total of three weeks and things were going great so far. We went over to my house a few nights a week for dinner with my parents (who were making quite the effort to stick around) and Sean had gotten a slight raise at work. Sean still doesn't want to contact his parents or brother to tell them the news, but I'm making it my own personal vow to convince him that it would be for the best. If I were his parents, I would want to know that I had a grandchild on the way.

"What are you thinking about?"

I took my gaze off of our interlocked fingers and flashed him a brief smile. "About the baby."

"Really? What about the baby?"

"Just everything really... what life is going to be like. What will happen with school..."

"What are we going to do about school?"

I shrugged. "I honestly have no idea. I'm supposed to talk to Ms. Sauve sometime soon. I'd rather not talk to her, but whatever..."

"I think it's good that you talk to her. She wants to help you, Ellie. You have this whole thing against people helping you."

"Wow, sounds like someone else I know." I gave him a pointed stare and he blushed. He's so cute when he blushes. I looked up and saw Marco and Ashley waving at me from the stairs in front of school. "Well, I'll catch up with you later." I kissed him on the cheek and jogged over to my friends.

Too bad they were hanging out with the dreaded Paige and company.

Okay, well, really it's just Paige and Spinner that piss me off. And things around Craig can still be a bit weird since the whole five-minute crush on me ordeal. I noticed that Terri left as soon as I walked up to the group. Good. I really don't like that girl. "Hey Ash, Marco. What's up?"

Marco stretched his arms over his head and gave a big yawn, "So tired. All of the French homework kept me up late last night."

"You should have called me. I would have come over and helped you or something."

"I didn't want to bug you. Paige ended up helping me."

I narrowed my eyes at the blonde and clenched my jaw. Since when did _Paige_ give Marco homework help. That was my department. She would easily get him a B or something on it. What was he thinking? Before I started to really freak out about Marco's grade, I took a deep breath and relaxed my shoulders. I definitely needed to start relaxing. All this tension was not good for the baby.

"So how is the bun in the oven?" Ashley grinned from ear to ear and rested her head against Craig's shoulder.

I noticed that Paige rolled her eyes, but I ignored her. "He or she is fine. Things are going so smooth."

"Any names yet?" Jimmy queried.

I turned my attention over to him and shrugged. "None so far. We're still trying to get used to it. Why any suggestions?" I teased.

Jimmy lifted a shoulder and smiled, "Jimmy isn't a bad name. Just an idea."

"I'll keep it in mind. Well, I have to go talk to Mr. Simpson about the yearbook real quick. I'll see you guys in class." I gave a slight wave and started towards the Media Immersions lab.

Mr. Simpson had left me a note the other day about meeting him to go over a few things for Yearbook. I was so happy that he was really putting his input into the project. So many other yearbook advisors just let everyone do whatever they want and give no direction. The yearbook ends up looking like shit and the editor is left to blame. Well, I was editor this year. I didn't want that to happen.

"Hey Mr. Simpson."

"Oh, hey, Ellie! Have a seat at the back table and I'll be there in a second." He went back to typing something on his table and I followed his directions. Setting my bag on the table, I investigated my nails until I saw his shadow loom over the table.

He squeezed his tall body into one of the chairs and pulled a binder out of his messenger bag. Only Mr. Simpson would carry a messenger bag. The man was seriously just too cute for words. "Okay, well, we got a call from the publishing company last week and they're very pleased with the progress. We've made all of our deadlines so far, they haven't had to send any pages back yet for mistakes, so they said they'll give us another block of colored pages for free!"

My mouth fell open and I slammed my hands down on the table, "That's great! I mean that would cost, what, a couple hundred more? But we get it for free. But that's great because I really thought we could use some colored pictures for the play and for the soccer tournament and for..."

"Woah, woah, woah! Slow down, Ellie. I know you're excited, but we have all week to decide what's color. You just write down a few of your ideas and we'll bring it up at the next yearbook meeting, okay?" Mr. Simpson pointed towards the yearbook calendar on the wall, and I made a mental note to remember that there was a meeting on Wednesday. That worked out perfectly. I wouldn't have to go to my co-op so I could spend extra time working on some of my pages afterward.

"Okay, then I'll just bring my ideas to the meeting. Wow, thanks for the good news, Mr. Simpson."

"Of course. Ellie, I want to say I'm really proud of how well you've dealt with yearbook this year. Not many people want to get involved because of all the work it entails- selling ads, making the pages, getting pictures... It's hard work, but you have completely proved yourself."

I blushed furiously and tried to duck my head without look like a total dork. I couldn't though and Mr. Simpson laughed a bit. "So, how are things with Sean?" He asked as he sat back down at his computer and I sat at my own.

"Fine. I had a doctor's appointment the other day."

"How did that go?"

"Great. Everything's fine."

"I bet Sean was a nervous wreck. I'll never forget how I felt taking Spike to her appointments. Have you guys had much experience with babies?"

I looked up from my e-mail and shrugged, "I've volunteered at the orphanage/day care downtown. I've never really babysat or anything."

"Well, maybe you and Sean could babysit Jack sometime. I know Spike and I would love the time off and I'm sure Emma would too. Poor girl is always home watching him when we can't. She barely has a social life anymore."

"We'd love to look after little Jack sometime. I think Sean's starting to get stressed out thinking of the responsibility. It'd really help him prepare."

Mr. Simpson nodded seriously, "It would. I'll talk to Spike and get a date for when you two can watch him. Let you know what you're in for!" He chuckled at his last remark and I blanched. Would it really be that hard taking care of a little baby?

**Emma's POV**

"Oh. It's you." I cringed at how bitter and jealous I sound towards her. I didn't mean for it to come out that way.

Ellie widened her eyes and stepped through the doorway, "Well, hello to you, too."

"Where's Sean? Did he abandon you? That's his specialty." I wiped my bangs off of my forehead and grabbed two cokes for Ellie and me.

"Listen, Emma... Sean really isn't as bad as you think. He just..."

"Not as bad?" I repeated incredulously. "I dated him before you, Ellie. He _is_ as bad as I think. He was a jerk, he fought all the time, he drank all the time, he _stole_... He _took_ my _dying_ dad's computer. A computer my mom blew everything for. He took it without a second thought. How can I just forget about that? About how he abandoned me for those delinquents."

Ellie let out a sigh and leaned forward, placing her palms on her knees. "He hurt you. I know. He knows, too. And I'm not trying to say that you should forget about everything he did to you. Partly because what he did was horrible and partly because if you did forgive him I feel like he'd go back to you."

I sat back in my chair and stared at her in amazement. Why would Sean ever come back to me? I didn't want him to come back to me. "Ellie, I'm not trying to take Sean away from you. I have my own relationship with Chris. I wouldn't trade that for the world, but you should really look out."

Ellie rubbed her hands together and shrugged, "I can't worry about Sean all the time. I have other things to worry about if you haven't noticed. "She gestured towards her stomach and I gave a small smile. It was amazing to think that Sean, the immature, no good Sean I knew, would be having a baby. Maybe it would help him finally grow up.

"I'm really not trying to sound like some jealous ex-girlfriend. I have to admit, I am a little jealous. You've helped him more than I ever did. He _is_ slowly changing into a better person. I'll always feel a little resentment towards him for how he ended it between us, but throughout the year, Sean and I have come much closer to going back to friends."

"You helped him a lot, Emma. Give yourself credit. He was drinking, becoming an alcoholic, and you helped him stop. Not many people can say that about themselves. I couldn't even get my own mother to stop drinking. She had to decide on her own. But you, you were reason enough for him to stop."

I felt a faint blush creep up on my cheeks and I looked at my lap. I guess I did help him in that department. Our date that night had gone so badly. He had stormed off from dinner with my parents and then my mom had to come pick us up, him completely wasted off of his ass. The doorbell rang and I hopped up to get it.

"That must be Sean," Ellie followed me into the entranceway. "He said he would be a little later getting off of work."

I opened the door and, sure enough, Sean was standing there, looking freshly showered. His mouth fell open when he saw me and he put his hands in his pockets. "Hi, Emma. I didn't know you'd be here."

I glanced at Ellie out of the corner of my eye and grabbed my coat, "I'm only here until you guys showed up. I'll be out with Chris. My parents left all the numbers on the refrigerator, directions on how much to warm the bottles up are on the counter, good luck."

I slipped out of the door and started to walk down the pathway. I can still remember the time Manny and Craig had tried to babysit Jack. They had been driven completely nuts. I smiled. Somehow I knew Ellie and Sean would do a lot better.

**Sean's POV**

"I didn't expect Emma to still be here," I took my coat off and threw it over the couch as I walked past Ellie. "What were you guys talking about?"

"You."

"Seriously, what were you talking about?"

"You! You know, you owe her. You hurt her pretty bad."

I glanced at Ellie. Was she for real? I _owed_ Emma? Okay, I did some pretty nasty stuff towards her. The last being spitting at her feet. But she deserved that, right? I shook my head and sighed. Maybe Ellie was right. Maybe I did have to stop feeling sorry for myself all the time. Stop thinking that the world was out to get me.

"Hey, come here," I grabbed Ellie's arm and pulled her towards me, giving her a warm kiss on the mouth. "Mmm, that's better," I murmured into her mouth.

She smiled against mine and kissed me back, slipping her tongue in between my lips. We kissed for awhile, our hands everywhere on each other, our tongues rubbing against each other, finally pulling away when we started to lose our breath.

"You're distracting me. We have a baby to take care of." She smacked my hand playfully as I reached for her again and walked into the kitchen.

"As far as I can tell, he's asleep! That means we can do _whatever_ we want. And I see a very comfy couch right here with our names on it."

"I am not getting it on while I babysit. How tacky."

"Why can't we be tacky for once? We're always cliche, I want to be tacky now," I whined and held onto her hand so she couldn't walk away from me.

"Sean! Next thing you'll be on your knees holding onto my knees. You're such a baby!" I dropped to my knees and grabbed around legs, forcing her to stay with me. She laughed and ruffled my hair. "Later. Right now, there's a baby to take care of."

I watched as she walked away and I immediately missed the feel of her smooth legs against my hands. I got back up to my feet and followed her as she walked around the house. She stopped in front of Jack's toys and oohed and awed for a bit over all the fun stuff he had. She refolded a few baby blankets and placed them in a neat stack just as Jack woke up and started to cry. I smiled as she clapped her hands and bounded for the nursery. "Baby time!"

I raced after her and we leaned over the little crib at the baby. "He's so cute!" Ellie cooed. She reached a finger in and rubbed his cheeks. "Look how chubby his cheeks are! It's like you!"

I scowled and put a hand to my cheeks. "You're the one with the chubby cheeks, you chunk," I joked back.

Ellie stopped making weird noises at Jack and stared at me. "What?" I asked. She knew I was joking, right?

"You're such a jerk. I'm going to go warm up a bottle." She stormed off leaving me alone with the baby. Jack looked up at me with big eyes and then started to cry again. This was going to be a long night.

**Ellie's POV**

What a jerk. Seriously. What do I see in him? My face burned as I stomped out of the nursery towards the kitchen. I _didn't_ have chubby cheeks, did I? I retreated into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I gasped. He was right. I _did_ have chubby cheeks. I put my hands to the side of my face and rubbed. Ugh. I was such a freak.

I started out of the bathroom when I noticed that tears were burning behind my eyes. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just look in the mirror without wanting to cry? I checked out the hallway and saw that Sean was still in the nursery, the door closed. I closed and locked the door of the bathroom swiftly and kneeled in front of the toilet.

This is what my life is about. On all fours in front of the toilet. It's what I deserve.

After I was finished relieving myself of all the crap I had eaten that day, I drank a little water and used a little mouthwash. There. I checked my watch and saw that I had only been gone for about three minutes. That was good. I didn't want Sean wondering where I was.

I hurried and warmed a bottle up, making sure to check that it wasn't too hot.

"Ellie? Are you getting the bottle?"

"Coming!" I called back. "Here you go!" I lifted Jack out of his crib and cradled him in my arms. He greedily took hold of the bottle and Sean laughed.

"He knows what he wants."

"Yeah, he does," I murmured as I watched him drink from the bottle. After awhile he finished and I set the bottle down on the diaper table. "Do you want to hold him?" I raised an eyebrow at Sean.

He shrugged, "Why not?"

I handed him over smirking. Now, if Sean knew anything about babies, he would grab a towel first and then burp him. But of course, this being Sean, he just grabbed Jack and started to walk away with him. In about... five... four... three... two... one...

"ELLIE!"

I laughed and walked out into the hallway. "Yes?" I asked innocently.

Sean looked at me disgusted. "He just _barfed_ all over me!"

I rolled my eyes and grabbed the crying baby, "Aww! Did someone forget to burp you? Poor thing!"

Sean muttered a few choice words and went into the kitchen, making as much of a scene as he could. Of course. I whispered a quiet thank you to Jack and smiled.

"I can't believe he threw up on me. That is so gross. What kind of _thing_ does that?" Sean was still bitching about the whole vomit incident.

"It's not his fault. You're the one who didn't burp him," I replied matter-of-factly.

"How was I supposed to know to burp him?"

I looked over from where I was playing with blocks with Jack, "Weren't you the one reading all those pregnancy books?" I wiggled my eyebrows and saw Jack push the tower of blocks over. "Hey, no fair! It was getting so tall!" I reached over and tickled him a bit. He swayed back and forth and I made sure to steady him so he didn't fall over.

"You're so good with him. I'm amazed," Sean rested his chin on the arm of the couch and watched as Jack started to pile the blocks up again.

"I guess it's instinct."

"I wish I could be that good with him."

"Maybe if you came down here and actually played with him?" I suggested sarcastically.

Sean dragged himself off of the couch and managed to make his way over to where we were. "Hey, buddy!" He greeted Jack and pulled him into his lap.

I watched as Jack giggled and started to clap his hands together and Sean jiggled him up and down. It was so cute watching Sean, Mr. Tough Guy, getting all paternal with a baby. I couldn't erase the huge smile off of my face as I continued to just stare at them.

"Looks like things are going great!" I jumped and turned around to see Mr. Simpson and Spike. What were they doing back? They weren't supposed to be home for another two hours.

"Sorry, it's impossible for us to stay away from him too long!" Spike apologized, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged even though I was a bit upset that we couldn't stay and play with Jack a little longer. "It's fine. I guess we can go now. Ready, Sean?"

Sean didn't even look up. Him and Jack were too busy playing airplane. Spike and Mr. Simpson looked at each other and smiled. Mr. Simpson spoke up, "So, how do you two feel about spending a Friday night with two old folks?"

I broke into a grin and looked at Sean out of the corner of my eye. He was still in his own world. "I don't think you even have to ask!"


	8. Emotional Overdrive

**Chapter 8: Emotional Overdrive**

**Sean's POV**

I unlocked the door to our apartment and flipped the lights on before stepping inside. Ellie followed close behind me and locked the door again. We went through our normal routine of taking our coats off, throwing them on the nearest chair, I opened the refrigerator automatically, Ellie checked the phone for messages... After she listened to the messages she got a cup down for me, setting it on the counter next to the fridge, just as I got out a liter of Coke. As I poured my drink I reached into the fridge and grabbed her a popsicle, placing it in her outstretched hand.

We really were a team.

"Tonight was fun," I mumbled before taking a gulp of my coke.

"Hmm?"

"It was fun. Tonight."

"Are you being... sarcastic?" Ellie raised an eyebrow in my direction.

I shook my head, "Nope. Just tired. Jack wore me out."

"Yeah, me too. Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Sure. Let me go feed the cats first."

"I'll pick one out."

I groaned inward. I knew she'd pick out something sappy. Ellie had been on a romantic movie kick. We had watched "Four Weddings and a Funeral", "Love Story", "Breakfast at Tiffany's", and "West Side Story" at our last few movie dates, as we liked to call them. When I shook the bag of cat food, Dolce and Gabanna immediately ran out of the bedroom and started to turn circles around my ankles. "Hey, guys. You hungry?" I poured a little food into their bowls and filled another bowl with fresh water.

"Don't forget to check the litter box!" Ellie called out although I was two feet away from her.

I groaned again and sighed as I walked towards the little closet where we kept the litter box. I hurried and cleaned it out and washed my hands. Disgusting. You would think Ellie would do it, since they are, technically, her cats, but somehow she always weasels her way out of it.

I jumped over the couch and made myself comfortable as Ellie stepped out of the bedroom. She had changed into a pair of sweat pants and a hoodie. "What are we watching?" I asked as she started to put a DVD into the player.

"Breakfast at Tiffany's."

"What? We just watched that!" I protested.

Ellie turned around, hands on hips, and shot me a look. I closed my mouth and settled back into my spot. Damn. She was in a _mood_.

"I'm sorry if it's one of my favorite movies, Sean. I never complain about all the times we watch Elimination Round Three. The least you can do is let me choose the movie once in awhile."

I rolled my eyes at her little speech. I had heard this so many times before. I could almost recite it from memory. "Whatever," I mumbled and leaned my head back on the couch. There's only so many times I can watch this movie in a week.

Ellie slipped onto the couch next to me and leaned her head against my shoulder. I gave the top of her head a little kiss and inhaled the scent of her hair. She smelled so... good. Almost intoxicating. I looked down at her little hands playing with my fingers and I sighed deeply. Did we really have to watch a movie? I'd much rather just... well...

I took Ellie's head in my hands and pushed it up so she was looking at me. "What are you doing?" she asked, trying to watch the movie.

I leaned forward and placed my lips on hers, giving her a deep, searching kiss. She kissed me back and then tried to pull away, but I held onto the back of her head. Finally she just gave into kissing me and sat up on her knees so she could get more into it.

I ran my hands down her sides and slid them to the back of her pants, pulling her so she was on top of me. This was the perfect way to end the day. After spending an entire night with baby Jack and having dinner with my MI teacher and his wife, I was finally going to make love to Ellie. I can't even remember the last time we've been close like this since we found out she was pregnant.

"I'm so tired," she whispered into my mouth as her hands slid underneath my shirt.

I pulled away a bit, "Do you want to stop?" _Please don't stop. Please don't stop._

"No way," she whispered into my ear and then pulled my shirt over my head.

**Ellie's POV**

I snuggled up to Sean on the couch and sighed happily. If this is what living together is, then I'm so glad I decided to do it. Hopefully it'll continue to be this... uh... enjoyable. I grinned and buried my face into Sean's neck.

"So, was it good for you?" Sean asked in a deep tone.

I burst out laughing and looked up at him. "You are so cheesy..."

"Yeah, I know."

We continued to lay there in silence. Audrey Hepburn singing "Moon River" rang from the television screen and I looked over at the TV.

"I very well think that Audrey Hepburn could be one of my idols," I confessed.

"Why?"

"Oh, come on! She's an amazing actress and she did philanthropic work!"

"Sorry! I didn't know!" Sean laughed and tickled my sides. I swatted at his hands and pulled the afghan tighter around me.

"So, what are we going to do for my birthday?"

Sean wrinkled his forehead and gave me a confused look, "Birthday? What birthday?"

"Oh, you're so funny. My birthday. Which is next week."

Sean scratched his head and then snapped his fingers, "Oh yeah! _You're_ birthday..."

I rolled my eyes, "I think I like the 'tough' Sean better..."

"As opposed to what other Sean?"

"Oh... never mind..." I teased.

I grabbed the remote and turned the movie off before wrapping the afghan around my body and heading towards the bedroom, leaving a very naked Sean behind.

"Hey!" Sean bolted off of the couch and chased after me, picking me up, and throwing me playfully on the bed.

"SEAN!" I screeched, knocking his hands away as he reached out to tickle me. "What's your problem?"

"What?" Sean pulled back confused.

"You don't pick me up and throw me. I'm pregnant. Way to go." I shot him a dirty look and got under the covers.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was-..."

"Well, actually _think_ next time. I just hope the baby is okay..."

Sean looked at me hurt, "I'm sure it's okay."

"Well, if it isn't- it's all your fault," I snapped. I reached over and turned off the lamp next to my side of the bed, leaving a very confused Sean in the dark.

**Sean's POV**

"So now she won't talk to you?" Jay laughed and adjusted his backpack. "You have to admit... It's sort of funny."

"No, it's not," I snapped. I just wanted to punch something I was so pissed off. I make one _little_ mistake and Ellie acts as if it's the end of the world. It's not like I even threw her hard. More like I _placed_ her on the bed. Why did she have to go and act as if I was some neanderthal?

Jay smirked and shook his head, "Whatever, she'll get over it. It's hormones."

I nodded in agreement but silently prayed that she'd be over it by lunch. There was no way I could sit near her and have her ignore me one more second. The rest of the weekend had been miserable. She had barely spoken to me, she kept complaining about how her stomach hurt her, and she'd continually make little comments like "I hope the baby is okay" or "I can't feel the baby kicking anymore" to try and make me feel bad.

And I _do_ feel bad. There's no doubt about it. Why can't she see that? I strolled down the hallway until I saw her talking with Ashley at their lockers. Maybe she'd be nicer with Ashley around. I guess I had to try something. I can't have Ellie ignoring me the rest of my life.

"Hey Ashley... Elle..." I flashed them both a quick smile before leaning against the locker next to Ellie.

Ashley gave me a smile in return and nudged Ellie in the ribs. Ellie ignored the gesture and just stared at me. Okay, this has gone on long enough. "Ellie, can I talk to you?"

She rolled her eyes, but followed me into a nearby classroom. What was I supposed to say? I had already apologized a ton over the weekend. What more could I do? "Listen, I know you're pissed, but I wasn't thinking, okay? I know my actions could have really hurt the baby, but I just... I don't know... I'm sorry. Seriously. Can you forgive me?"

She bit her lip and looked away for a second before looking back at me. "_Fine_... I'm just really nervous, okay? I don't want anything happening to the baby. It's the most important thing to me right now. Can you understand that?"

"Of course! And it's the most important thing to me, too. Besides you, that is." I quickly threw in that last part to score extra points. Just as I expected, Ellie broke into a smile and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"I'm that important to you?"

"Definitely." I kissed the end of her nose and she kissed my chin. Seriously, if anyone was looking at us right now, we probably made them sick. We're like a huge sugar overdose. But one you can never get enough of.

**Jimmy's POV**

"So I expect everything is fine between you and Sean now?" I took a seat next to Ellie in speech and drama. I had ran into Sean on my way end, a huge smile on his face.

Ellie grinned a little bit, "Yeah. How'd you know we were fighting?"

"Everyone knows when you fight. It practically makes the morning announcements," I joked.

Spinner rushed into the room and sat down at the small table we were at. "Dude, did you guys read the play for today? I didn't. I'm going to fail the quiz. I have no idea what anything is about."

Ellie let out a long, suffering sigh and leaned forward on the table. "Okay, run down of _Lysistrata_ starting... now. Okay, men are fighting in the Peloponnesian War. Women are sick of them fighting. They want the war to end. So Lysistrata calls a meeting of all the women... The women decide they are going to deny sex to their husbands until the war ends. The older women are going to seize the Acropolis. The men suffer because they can't have sex. They decide that they'll stop fighting. A big orgy follows. The end."

Spinner wiggled his eyebrows, "Maybe I will read it..."

"Ah, Spinner the sex-starved!" Paige breathed as she sat next to him. "I'm sure you'll fully understand the pain the men are going through."

"You said it."

I hid my smile behind my hand and tried to focus on hitting the key points of the play again. But, seriously, how could I do that when I had Paige sitting across from me constantly yapping? Frustrated, I closed my book and turned my attention towards her. If I couldn't study, I could at least figure out what she was complaining about.

"...And then she had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't be a very good captain. Okay, so I've missed a few practices lately. I've been busy, you know? I'm sorry if Manny thinks I'm letting the squad down, but there are more important things going on."

"Such as what?" I asked. Somehow I knew she was going to say... shopping, boys, and makeup.

"Well... umm... schoolwork," Paige stuttered. "...uh... shopping and... well, I don't know. But there are."

"Well, cut Manny a little flack. I mean, she's probably sick of having to clean up after your messes."

"Excuse me! My _messes_? What does that mean?"

Ellie leaned her cheek on a fist and cleared her throat. "I think he means that you're piling all the responsibility of running a squad on Manny when you are the captain. You wanted to be captain, now start acting like one. That means you don't miss practices, games, or pep rallies. Manny isn't going to be your go-to girl for much longer."

"I think you're completely wrong, Ellie Nash. I think you should apologize!"

"Hey, I'm not trying to be mean here. I'm just saying the truth. Did you honestly think Manny was going to let you push her around and not get sick of it? Manny's a pretty tough girl. Why did you even start the squad if you didn't want to be a part of all of it?"

Paige pouted for a moment and then opened her mouth, "Because I like cheerleading. It's simple as that."

"And why do you think you should be captain?"

"Because I have great ideas!"

"Then use those ideas. If you like it that much, boyfriends and shopping won't get in the way."

Paige sat back in her seat and seemed to be thinking. Ellie went back to looking at her book and Spinner and I shared a look across the table. Since when did Ellie give Paige advice? And so freely? Without any malice behind it? I had half expected Ellie to throw in the fact that she thought cheerleading was sexist and wrong and everything else... but, she hadn't.

Paige finally spoke up again. "Well, thank you for the advice, Ellie. I'll keep it in mind."

I jogged to catch up with Ellie in the hallway. "Hey, so you giving Paige sound advice? That's a bit too weird."

Ellie laughed and adjusted her bag on her shoulder, "I blame it all on hormones. It's a real drag- being overly emotional... sometimes I find myself feeling sorry for even Paige Michaelchuk."

"Woah!" I chuckled. "That _is_ bad."

"Just be lucky you can't get pregnant. It's a roller coaster. I feel like a complete wreck most of the time."

"I can only imagine... So, your birthday is coming up." I tried to act nonchalantly about it, but I have a feeling I failed miserably.

Ellie noticed. She looked up at me with a weird look on her face. "Wow, that wasn't a major switch in topic or anything..."

I held my hands up in defense and we stopped in the middle of the crowded hallway. "Okay, so Sean needed me to figure out what you want. He says he's been looking all over for something but he can't find anything."

"Well, that's just tough. He'll have to search harder."

I grabbed her shoulder as she started to walk again and kept a steady pace with her. "Okay, so... he's completely lost. Do you know what it's like for guys to have to buy presents for girls? We go stupid. We don't know what to do. Spinner gave Paige a locker for their anniversary one year... _That_ is how lost we get."

Ellie shook her head and laughed. "A locker?"

"Yeah... Sad, isn't it?" I put my arm around her shoulder and burrowed my head into hers. "Please tell me?"

"Okay, what is in this for you? There has to be something."

"Well, Sean did mention the fact that he'd help me hook up this system in my car. I'd rather not spend the extra money if I can get it done for a cheaper rate."

"Uh huh..."

"And, I'd be helping you guys out. Sean gets the money and therefore that helps out him, you, and baby."

"Uh huh..."

"So, what's it going to be?"

She stopped walking and turned to face me. "Okay, fine. Let me think about it, though, okay?"

"Right. Thanks, Elle." I gave her a quick hug and hurried to my next class. Helped out a friend and got a sound system installation at the same time. This weekend, I'd be cruising down the strip with some sweet tunes... and a lovely Miss Aden by my side.

**Marco's POV**

I pulled out my little notebook and flipped it open to a new page. I looked around the table and noticed that everyone was present and accounted for: Jimmy, Ashley, Craig, Paige, Spinner, Hazel, Alex, Jay, and, of course, Sean. "Okay, so everyone's here and we can begin. Ellie is at Caitlin's, right Sean?"

Sean pulled his hat off and placed it on the table. "Yeah, she's working," he rubbed his eyes and leaned his elbows on the table.

I gave a brief nod. "Okay, down to business. Ellie's birthday party is this Saturday. So, where are we going to have it?"

Ashley spoke up, "I talk to my mom but she said she'd rather we had it somewhere else. So, anybody else want to offer?"

Jimmy raised a hand, "We can have it at my place."

"Awesome," I wrote down Jimmy's apartment next to _Where:_. "Screen TV, pool table, card table, awesome sound system... What else would we need?"

Jimmy gave a proud smile and intertwined his fingers with Hazel's. "What about food?"

I looked down at my list at my scribblings. "Well, I started brainstorming a few food ideas. There's always pizza..."

"No, we have pizza way too much as it is," Sean frowned.

"Okay, so pizza is out. Um, Chinese? Ellie loves Chinese?"

"Therefore, we eat it all the time, too."

"What don't you guys eat?" I was starting to get annoyed with Sean's constant interference.

"Very funny, Pretty Boy."

I scowled at Sean before returning to the matter at hand. "Okay... umm..."

"Italian?" Craig offered. "She likes Italian food, doesn't she?"

Ashley's face brightened, "That's _right_! It wouldn't be too hard, right? Chicken Alfredo or something? We could get some baguettes and butter and we could make a big salad..."

Everyone nodded at Ashley's ideas and I quickly jotted them down. "That sounds great. My mom will have some good recipes. She loves my mom's cooking."

"Maybe your mom could even make the pasta?" Hazel asked.

I agreed and made a mental note to ask my mom if she'd have the time to make it this weekend. "Okay, then. Jimmy, you're going to make some cd mixes?"

"Sure. What should I put on them?"

"The Rolling Stones, The Clash, The Cure, umm... Nine Inch Nails..."

Paige interrupted me, "Sorry, but some of us want something we could actually _dance_ to if we wanted."

"Fine, Jimmy just put whatever on there. I doubt Ellie will really care."

"I doubt anyone will really care. Who's getting the alcohol?" We all looked towards Jay.

Jay threw up his hands. "Why am I always the go-to guy for booze?"

"Because you can get it."

"Fine. What do we want?"

"Beer."

"Tequila."

"Rum."

"Vodka. _Please._"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll see what I can do. Ellie can't drink though, you guys."

Sean smirked, "Aww, Jay. Thanks for being all concerned about my girlfriend, but we know that. That doesn't mean the rest of us can't."

"You think Ellie's going to want to stand around while everyone gets wasted? Poor girl..." Alex muttered.

"Then I won't drink," Sean replied. "I'll just make fun of all you guys with her. Her video camera may come on handy this weekend."

"Woah, we're talking about the same thing here, right?" Jay wiggled his eyebrows. "If not, I want to see that video when you're done. For Ellie, not you."

"Shut up, jerk," I snapped. I hate when people talk about Ellie like that. Any girl actually, but especially Ellie. "Okay, back to work. Who's getting the cake?"

Ashley, Paige, and Hazel all raised their hands. "I can't believe I'm getting Ellie Nash a cake," Paige scrunched her face up as if she were in pain.

I chose to ignore her antics. "Okay then, Sean just make sure you get Ellie to come to Jimmy's."

"Okay."

I let everyone go, but I stayed behind to look over my plans once again. Okay, I think I have everything. Location, food, and I was getting her a present on Friday. I closed my notebook and grabbed my backpack. I just really wanted Ellie's birthday party to go well. Nobody deserved it more than her.

**Sean's POV**

"Hey Jimmy. Wait up." I ran after Jimmy and slowed down to walk with him. "Did Ellie tell you what she wants?"

"Yeah, about that man... I thought she was going to. She acted like she was going to. And then she kind of just... didn't. She says you oughta know what she likes by now. Sorry, man."

"You _told_ her that I asked you to do it?" I can't believe it. Now I was going to have to go home and listen to Ellie complain about how I don't even know her. That I don't know anything about her. That I have to ask Jimmy to find out what she wants for her present. I'd never hear the end of this.

"Man, she figured it out. I'm not a good liar or anything. She knew something was up."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." I rolled my eyes and slapped him on the back. "Well thanks anyway... And, you know, I'll just install the sound system for you. I need the money."

"Thanks, man. Sorry I couldn't get anything out of her. Good luck."

"Yeah, I'll need it."


	9. Through the Looking Glass

**Chapter 9: Through the Looking Glass**

**Sean's POV**

"Hey sweetie!" I called out when I heard Ellie come through the door. I glanced at the clock and saw that she was home an hour later than she said she would be. "Where've you been?"

Ellie stumbled into the living room area with a huge bag in her hands. I darted off the couch to grab the bag just as it was about to fall out of her hands. "Thank, Sean."

"What's this?" I peered into the bag and saw, no kidding, probably a hundred DVDs. "Are you serious?"

Ellie grinned sheepishly, "I couldn't help it. You know how I get in these moods and I just have to go buy something."

"Next time, buy _one_ dvd. Not the entire store. Okay, what do we have here?" I rubbed my hands together and started pulling all of the movies out one by one. "Mary Poppins... The Little Mermaid... Hercules... Mulan... Sleeping Beauty? Uh... Ellie?"

She sighed and kneeled in front of me. "I know, I know. You probably want to throw up looking at all these Disney movies, but I love them, okay? And, they'll be great for the baby!"

"Did you get anything that has a higher rating than G?"

"Oh, hush. I sure did. Look at the bottom of the bag."

I took out all of the Disney movies and threw them to one side of the coffee table. Alright. Here we go. "Troy... the Seinfeld DVDS!... Ocean's Eleven... Garden State... Can I say how happy I am that you got actual movies that I like?"

She laughed and headed into the kitchen shaking her head. "Do you want a drink? Or a snack? Or how about a hint on what I want for my birthday?"

I groaned and scratched the top of my head before sneaking a peak at her. Just as I expected, she was standing in the doorway, hands on hips, and a scowl on her face. "Okay, so I choked. We've been so busy lately, I haven't had time to think of what to get you for your birthday."

"Well, you better find out soon. It's only a few days away."

"I know this. Believe me."

She went back to cleaning up around the apartment. "I can't believe this... We've had sex, we're living together, and we're having a baby, and you don't know what to get me for my _birthday_? Lame!"

"I know! I'm not trying to justify it. Forgive me?"

"It's not like I'm pissed, Sean. You don't need me to forgive you. I'm just a little disappointed and I may drag this out and make you feel guilty for a long time. But I'm really not angry with you."

"Please don't put a guilt-trip on me. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's your guilt-trips."

"Are they that bad?"

"Brutal even," I remarked, borrowing a little of her vocabulary.

Ellie could tell I was slightly mocking her and gave me a mock glare. I got up from the couch and wrapped my arms around her as she folded some laundry on the kitchen table. "Mmm, you don't have to do that."

"Why, are you going to do it?" she responded sarcastically.

"Hey, I help out around here..." I knew that wasn't true, but I would seriously make the attempt to change that.

"Okay, then help me fold these clothes. Some of them _are_ yours, you know."

She threw a pile of clothes over on my side of the table and went back to working. I watched as she briskly folded a t-shirt, then a pair of my jeans, and then she held up some boxers. "Oh, so cute."

I blushed because they were my Spiderman boxers. Tracker gave them to me as a joke last year... Hey, boxers are boxers. As revenge, I sifted threw my pile of clothes before I spotted a pair of Ellie's underwear. I held them up and adopted her same tone. "Oh, so... wow..." I took a better look and grinned at the sexy, see-through boy shorts in front of me. Very, very _short_ boy shorts.

Ellie raised an eyebrow and grabbed them from my hands, quickly folding them up and placing them back on the table. I looked at her and grinned. She met my eyes and cocked her head. "I'm wearing the red pair right now..."

We stared at each other across the table before both throwing ourselves across the table at each other. Needless to say, we toppled the table over. We landed in a heap on the floor, but didn't care. I just kept kissing her and she kept running her hands through my hair, tugging at it every now and then. Just for this, Ellie is going to be getting an _extra good_ birthday present.

**Ellie's POV**

"Sean!" I yelled for the third time through the apartment. Seriously, was that boy hard of hearing or something?

"What?!" Sean strolled in from the bedroom with a totally annoyed look on his face.

"Don't act like that. Come look at these paint colors." I held up a few samples of paint I had my mom pick up from the home store. "What do you think of one of these for the nursery"

Sean sighed and scratched his neck, "I think... that whatever you pick out will look perfect."

"Sean!"

"What? Isn't that what I was supposed to say?"

"No."

I shook the paint swatches in front of his face and he grabbed them to look at them more closely. After a few minutes of critiquing each color he finally held up a dark green one. "I like this one."

"Well, I _hate_ that one!" I gave out a frustrated groan and snatched the paint swatch from his hand and started to tear it up.

"Hey! I thought you wanted my opinion."

I shrugged and crossed my arms. "Not anymore. Not if you're going to give bad opinions. Okay, I'll tell you what my mom and I decided on the phone earlier." I picked up a swatch that was a light khaki color and then another that was a deep red. "See these together? They look great. We were thinking to paint the walls the khaki and then accent with the red. _And then_, when the baby comes and we know what sex it is, we'll use either a light blue or a light pink to accent. Doesn't that sound great?" I couldn't help it, but I squealed.

I know, I know... everything seems to be going just too perfect. It shouldn't be like this. Sean and I are still in high school, we're not even married, and we're supposed to be nervous wrecks. But seriously, what good will worrying and stressing out about our situation do? There's nothing we can do about it now. Well, there _is_ something we could do about it, but we're not going to. So we have to be strong and make the best of it. How else are we supposed to be happy?

Sean sat down in the chair next to me and leaned over the baby magazine I was looking at. "I like it," he remarked.

"Like what?" I turned the page in the magazine and smiled at all the different cribs I saw.

"The color scheme."

I smiled at him and wrapped my hands around his. "I'm glad. I want your opinion on everything."

"But what if my opinion is stupid?"

I blushed and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "I was just kidding."

"Sure..."

He kissed me on the nose and I scooted my chair closer to his. "Now, about these cribs. I really like this one over here because..."

**Emma's POV**

I walked out of the store and wrapped my hand around my mom's arm. "That scarf looked great on you, mom."

"Yeah, but could I ever afford it?" She laughed and I did the same. I love going shopping with my mom and going into all the expensive stores. Places we could never afford to buy anything from. Maybe I could save up my money, though, and buy the scarf for my mom. She really looked great in it.

I lifted my head and looked around the boulevard. My mom and I had discovered this little shopping district just a few weeks ago when we had gotten lost coming back from a Farmer's Market. It was probably an hour from Degrassi, but it seemed worlds away. Name brands such as Gucci and Besty Johnson screamed out at me, but there were also some great antique stores and vintage shops. Very expensive, but very great.

All of a sudden something caught my eye. I never thought I'd see this: Sean and Jay were walking straight towards me. They looked completely out of place in their sweatshirts and worn jeans. I straightened up a bit and let go of my mom's arm. She noticed the change and followed my eyes.

"Well, there's Sean! Who's that kid with him?"

"Jay Hogart. One of his friends. Total bad-as... apple. Bad apple."

"Aren't you going to say hi?"

"Yeah, I'll be right back." I walked towards the two just as they looked into a window, putting their faces against the glass and getting a total dirty look from one of the ladies inside. They started laughing hysterically and I rolled my eyes at their immature behavior. Walking in this district takes a little class. Oh God... I sound so pretentious... "Hey guys!" I called out.

Jay and Sean whipped around and looked at me surprised. "Hey Emma," Sean responded. He gestured towards my bag. "You're shopping here?"

I looked at the bag and lifted it up in front of me. "Just a pair of earrings. That were on clearance. At the cheapest store we could find here."

They both nodded and I clasped my hands in front of me. "So what are you two doing here?"

"Shopping for Sean's ball and chain," Jay piped up.

Sean elbowed him in the ribs and looked back at me. "It's Ellie's birthday coming up. You should come to the party we're having. It's at Jimmy's this Saturday."

"Well..." Would it be awkward if I was there? I know Ellie and I had gotten along better when she babysat Jack, but did that make us friends or just tolerant of each other?

"Oh whatever. Cause-girl would never come to a real party. She'd be too afraid that a beer might spill on her."

I clinched my fists at Jay's words and bit my lip. What's the worst that could happen? I could have a bad time. But maybe I'd have a good time. Especially if... "Can Manny come, too?"

"Sure. Jimmy's, Saturday at 9. We're just here to pick up a present for Ellie. Any ideas?"

I gave Sean a weird look and threw my hands up, "How would I know?"

"Yeah, you wouldn't. Never mind. I'm just completely lost at what to get her."

Jay crossed his arms, "Yeah, we've been to like every store on this street. Everything is way too expensive or... way too expensive." Jay looked baffled by what he just said and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Okay, well, I don't have any ideas, but I'm sure she'll like whatever you get her. So, I'll see you on Saturday?"

"Yeah, bye."

I walked back towards my mom and flipped my hair over my shoulder. Wait until I told Manny that we were going to a party. One where there was most likely going to be drinking and other stuff going on. We were going to have way too much fun.

**Sean's POV**

"No, I don't think she'd like that."

"No, it looks too... I don't know..."

"No, she's not a fan of gold jewelry."

Everything Jay held up for me was so wrong for Ellie. This was the last store and I still hadn't found anything to get Ellie for her birthday. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was already getting close to seven. Ellie would be suspicious if I didn't come home until nine.

"Well, what about this?"

Jay held something up, but I was too busy looking at the antique jewelry. Maybe Ellie would like a brooch? I don't know... Suddenly I heard a song playing and my head snapped up. "What is that?"

Jay shrugged. "It's that damn music box I held up before. The one _you_ wouldn't look at? It won't shut up now."

"It's _perfect_. Ellie loves that song!" I picked the jewelry box back up and held it in my hands carefully.

It was perfect. It was a dark wood accented with a lot of gold and colored designs. When I opened the lid up, the baroque figures behind the glass front started to dance. The inside was covered with a deep red silk. I smiled at the song it played.

FLASHBACK

"_What are you playing?" I sat next to Ellie at the piano and pressed a key._

_Ellie stopped playing and put her hands in her lap. "Canon in D. Pachebel. Do you know it?"_

"_Nope."_

"_It's one of my favorites. It's beautiful."_

"_I think you're beautiful."_

"_I think you're cheesy."_

_I chuckled and kissed her on a cheek. "Why weren't you at lunch?"_

"_I just wanted to play longer, I guess." _

_She started to play again and this time I watched her. She really was good. Her fingers glided across the keys and she made it look completely effortless. When she finished the piece I kissed her again on the lips. She pulled away and looked in my eyes before pulling me in for a deeper kiss._

_After a few moments we parted breathlessly. She smiled and started playing the piano again. A different song this time. I glanced around the small practice room and my eyes fell on a book. _

"_What's this?" I picked the book up and waved it in front of her face._

_She kept playing but looked over at what I was holding up. "Through The Looking Glass."_

"_What's it about?"_

"_Alice in Wonderland."_

"_Alice and what?"_

"_Alice in Wonderland. You know, like the Disney movie?"_

"_Oh, okay."_

"_It's one of my favorites. I've probably read it twenty times now."_

* * *

"_Ellie? What's wrong?"_

"_It's gone!"_

"_What's gone?" She sounded completely upset and I held out my arms for her._

_She stepped forward and I enveloped her in a hug. "Alice... Through the Looking Glass... My mom fucking gave my book away for a raffle."_

"_Why would someone buy it from a raffle?"_

"_It was an antique copy, okay! God!" She pushed herself away from me and started walking towards the bedroom._

"_Where are you going? It's just a book."_

"_Shut up, Sean! It's not just a book. My great-grandpa gave that to me and it meant a lot to me."_

_She slammed the door._

END OF FLASHBACK

I took the music box up to the cashier and paid for it. God, it was expensive. I looked at my wallet and noticed I had just enough money left from my three paychecks to buy her something else. And I knew exactly what to get her.


	10. Just Maybe

**Chapter 10: Just Maybe**

**Sean**

She looks gorgeous. She's sitting there across from me at a table in the restaurant and I

can't stop staring at her long enough to eat anything. I thought back to the moment when she walked out of the bedroom. I had been groaning at how long she was taking, but, damn, was it worth it. The minute she walked through the door, my heart had crawled up my throat.

"Is your soup good?" Ellie looked up from her salad and gave me a heartwarming smile. The bronze color of her dress set off her hair perfectly.

"It's great," I put a spoonful in my mouth and grinned. "Mmm."

"I'm glad. My birthday is _finally_ here!" She raised her water glass and her eyes sparkled.

I clinked my water class against her and then took a sip. She was looking so good lately. Her face didn't look so emaciated. I could tell she had gained a few pounds. Thank God. She was really starting to worry me there. Sometimes I would have nightmares that she'd give birth prematurely or miscarry or something would go seriously wrong. But lately she's been taking care of herself. We've been cooking meals together (or trying to) and grocery shopping together. I've started painting the baby's room. Jay's been helping me get the paint on the walls and Ellie has been busy picking out sheets, curtains, changing tables, everything you can think of basically... It's actually been really fun getting ready for this baby.

But if it was all fun it'd be totally unrealistic. Believe me, there's been enough stress. I half to walk on my toes a lot or else Ellie gets all stressed out about dumb stuff. And the money issue isn't fun at all. I hate having to get money from her parents all the time, but Ellie keeps reassuring me that that's what they're there for. Still, I'd love to be able to provide for Ellie on my own.

"May I interest you in dessert?" I turned my attention to the waiter at my side and I snuck a glance at Ellie.

"No, we're fine. Thank you!" Ellie smiled sweetly and wiped at her mouth with her napkin.

"Don't listen to her. We'll have two orders of creme brulee. It's her favorite," I grinned widely at Ellie.

Ellie rolled her eyes and placed her hands over mine. "You're so sweet. So, what's after dinner?"

"I thought we could go back home and get changed and then I have to go to Jimmy's and get _something_ from him."

"Oh!" Ellie winked at me and ran her fingers down the vase of roses on the table. "Thanks so much for tonight. The dinner was amazing, and I'm sure the rest will be amazing, too."

"_You're_ amazing."

I sounded so cheesy. But I guess I'm growing up. When you're living with your girlfriend and have a baby on the way, you have to grow up. Still, it's hard to think that just last year I was stealing anything I could get my hands on, hooking up with random girls, and almost failing school. Now I'm taking care of my girlfriend, doing chores around the house, learning to cook, and getting good grades in school. Everyone's noticing the change in my attitude and work, and I don't ever want to lose this feeling. It's like everyone is _proud_ of me. I don't think anybody has ever been proud of me before.

**Ellie**

"Sean, you didn't have to." I looked at the gift bag in front of me. The bag was wrinkled

and the bow wrapped around the handles was drooping, but it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen. Just the thought of Sean gift wrapping a present makes me want to laugh.

Sean leaned forward on the table and rusted the bag. "Well, I wanted to. Open it!"

"Okay, okay!" I laughed and untied the bow on the bag. "This better be good," I warned jokingly.

"I hope you like it," Sean's eyes flashed with worry and I smiled at him reassuringly.

"Of course I will."

I pulled out a wrapped gift that was rectangular shaped. "Hmm, what could this be?" I shook the gift and listened to it and kept guessing things.

Sean threw his hands up in frustration. "Just open it!" he urged.

"Sean!" I gasped and I gripped the book that I held in my hands. He was amazing, seriously amazing. _The Adventures of Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass_ stared back up at me. I can't believe he remembered...

"I know it's one of your favorites, and I know you were upset that your mom gave it away. It's not an antique or anything, but it has the same words."

I thumbed through the book quickly and felt a huge smile slide across my face. Now _this_ is what I wanted. I didn't want Sean getting ideas from Jimmy or Spinner or Craig... I wanted him to get me something that he thought up. And he thought up the most perfect gift.

"There's more. Look inside the bag."

I raised an eyebrow and reached my hands inside the bag. "Sean..." I breathed softly as I placed the ornate music box in front of me. It was perfect. I ran a hand along the designs. "It's so beautiful."

"I didn't know whether or not this was your style, but as soon as I opened it, I knew you'd love it."

I lifted the lid slowly and leaned back when I heard the opening chords of Canon In D. I closed my eyes and ran my fingers across the tablecloth, pretending that I was playing the actual keys on a piano. I opened my eyes and watched the little figures inside dance.

"I love it, Sean. It's the best. I can't wait to put it on my night stand. Maybe we can even put it in the baby's room?"

Sean nodded and reached across for my hands. "I'm glad you like it." He pulled my hands to his lips and kissed them lightly. I could feel a slight pink come across my cheeks. It's times like these that I start to believe that maybe we'll be okay. Maybe we'll make it and our lives will be perfect. At this point, it's not too hard to believe.

* * *

"Come here," I whispered to Sean, pulling him in for a deep kiss. We were standing outside Jimmy's apartment door, and I couldn't help myself anymore. Sean had just treated me to an amazing date, and it's not even over yet.

"Mmm," Sean murmured against my mouth and placed his hands on my hips, pulling me closer.

My little bulge bumped into his tight stomach, and we laughed. I actually _laughed_... about having a freaking bulge in my stomach. Things are really starting to change. I don't know what it is. Of course, I still feel very self-conscious about the weight I'm gaining. I feel like I have a bowling ball in my stomach. Sean keeps telling me I'm still tiny, but sometimes I don't know what to believe. The mirror or Sean?

I've been fighting to not throw up. That sounds so bad, considering I'm pregnant, and I really care about this baby. But sometimes the urge is just too much for me to handle. I hate how weak I am. If Sean ever found out, I think he would leave me. There's no doubt in my mind. But how am I supposed to stop something I've been doing for so long? It's a way of life for me. But I can't do it anymore while I'm pregnant. I have to hold off.

I had an appointment with Doctor Martin. A _secret_ appointment that I didn't tell Sean about. I know, so bad of me. But I was nervous. I wasn't feeling so well. I'm talking serious crampage. And I didn't want Sean getting all upset over it. I love that he worries about me, but I'm not completely helpless and sometimes he makes me feel like I am. I _know_ what I'm doing. It's good for me, just not the best for the baby.

Dr. Martin couldn't have said it plainer. He said I'm putting my baby at serious risk, but he's acting like I have a serious problem. I watch my weight and that's it. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm just like any other girl. But he says the stress of gaining weight might take its toll on me. I think it already has. There are some times when just the thought of gaining another pound makes me burst into tears. Of course, Sean doesn't see this. I'm good at hiding my real emotions.

But the thought of me really hurting my baby because of my diet? That's scary. But Dr. Martin said I could go into premature labor or my baby could even die. That's why I'm trying to take good care of myself now. But it's so hard. I can't even quite explain how hard it is. But why am I thinking about this while Sean is kissing me? I should be concentrating on this hot guy who loves me for who I am. Even if I don't.

**Ashley**

"Surprise!" I laughed with Hazel as everyone screamed when Sean and Ellie walked in

through the door. Ellie stumbled back a little bit and Sean caught hold of her arms to steady her. She looked better. Honestly, I was getting scared there. She wasn't gaining enough weight, she was moody all the time, and I felt like my best friend was being taken away from me. But now, she seems better. Really.

I walked forward and enveloped her in a hug. "Happy birthday, Ellie!" After releasing her I put a hand to her little pudge on her stomach. "You're baby says happy birthday, too."

Ellie smiled sincerely at me and looked around the room. I have to admit, we had done a good job. Streamers hung from the ceiling, there were platters of cheese and crackers and carrot sticks and pickles and... every food you can imagine!... the fridge was stocked with alcohol and juice... and the music was pumping.

"Thanks guy!" she smiled at everyone, but I noticed it wasn't as sincere as her smile before. Was something wrong? Did her and Sean get in a fight? I'd have to make sure and ask her later. It's my duty as Ellie's best friend to make sure nothing is bothering her. I want her and this baby to be fully healthy by the time she delivers it.

**Marco**

I sat down on the couch next to Ellie and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She was too busy rolling her bottle of juice around in her hands to even notice me. I tickled her ear and bumped my head against hers. "Ellie?"

Her head shot up and she put a hand to her chest. "God, Marco. You scared me."

"I've been sitting here..."

"I've been thinking. I must not have noticed."

"What are you thinking about?"

She shrugged and put a hand to her little bulge. "Just... stuff."

"Ellie, are you eating?"

"What?"

"Answer me. Truthfully."

Ellie stared at me with big eyes and then sighed, her shoulders relaxing. "Yes. I have. Honest."

I believe her. I can tell when she lies to me and when she tells me the truth and she's definitely telling me the truth right now. I let out a relieved sigh and hugged her closer to me. "Good," I murmured into her hair. "You need to."

Her mouth tensed up and she got these little lines around her lips. "I'm _fine_, Marco. You don't have to worry about me all the time."

"You're not fine. You're pregnant. So don't play that card with me."

She gave me a weird look and rolled her eyes before starting to stand up.

"Where are you going?"

"To the bathroom."

I followed her with my eyes as she entered the bathroom and closed the door behind her. What was she doing in there?

**Ellie**

I leaned against the bathroom door and closed my eyes. _Breathe. Breathe. Breathe._

_You're okay. You don' t have to._ I stared at the toilet and shook my head furiously. No, I'm not going to do it. I'm not hurting my baby. I could feel the tears starting to spill out. Why was I falling apart like this? I was fine just a few hours ago. Why, all of a sudden, am I feel so out of control?

I let out a slow, shaky breath and pushed myself away from the door. Why am I doing this? I was _fine_ before. A knock sounded on the door and I jumped. "Yeah?"

"Ellie? Are you okay in there?" Sean's concerned voice called out.

"Yeah, I'm coming out." I opened the door and stepped back with a smile on my face. Sean peeped his head in and looked around. Satisfied, he closed the door behind him and pulled me in for another make-out session. My hands found their way up to the back of his head and I pulled him closer. There's just something about him that makes me go completely insane.

A few minutes later, a knock on the door pulled us apart. "Yeah?" we both asked in union. We laughed and Sean opened the door to reveal Paige tapping her foot.

"It's about time, you two. I thought I was going to have to go outside!" She pushed her way past us and shooed us out the door. A second later she popped her head back out the door. "You two didn't have, like, sex in here just now, did you?"

I rolled my eyes and left Sean to answer her.

What I need to do is to stop worrying about food and weight and everything else I worry about lately. I need to just focus on the baby and Sean. They should be my main focus from now on. So that's it... no more throwing up. No more counting calories and carbs and fat grams relentlessly. I'm going to get rid of my secret notebook. I can't risk anyone ever finding it and seeing just how obsessed I am. I'll have to burn it the first chance I get.

And then I can go on with my life. I won't ever worry about myself ever again. I'll be the best mommy and girlfriend anyone could ever be and Sean and I will live happily ever after with our child. I'll help Marco find a guy worth his time, I'll make sure Craig never hurts Ashley, I'll give Alex someone to talk to whenever her mom brings over the new boyfriend... This plan doesn't sound too bad, actually. I just have to keep busy enough to keep my mind off of certain things.

Maybe I won't burn the notebook, though. You never know. I could use it someday to write a memoir. Because everyone is just lining up to hear about my life. That's crazy. I'd never write a book telling everyone about my life. So, I don't need the notebook.

But I still won't burn it.

**not too thrilled with this chapter, but what can you do? sorry for the late update and i hopefully i'll be able to update sooner next chapter. So I need your opinion- Ellie's going to be confessing something (hmm... i wonder waht...) to somebody and it's going to be tough. Who do you want to see her confess it to? Whoever you want most, I'll write. But please, no weird suggestions like terri or toby or something since ellie has never talked to them. Thanks:)**


	11. Anywhere With You

**Chapter 11: Anywhere With You**

**Alex**

"And so, he thought he could totally feel me up and I wouldn't even notice..."

"And then she had the nerve to tell me she was calling my parents..."

"Craig decided he'd rather have_ band practice_ than go out with me..."

I rolled my eyes and took a drink from my cup. I wish Jay was next to me right now, or Ellie. I needed _someone_ I could hold a conversation with. That is, a conversation that didn't require me losing brain cells.

Over the rim of my cup, I glanced to wear Sean and Ellie were standing. He had his arms wrapped around her waist and vice versa. Those two were really too cute for their own good. Ellie beamed at something Sean said and he kissed her nose. Although it annoyed me how cute they were at that moment, I also couldn't help but smile.

"Oh my God! Is Alex cracking a smile? Someone call the newspaper, quick!" Paige put a hand over her mouth to feign shock.

Hazel stood up, "I'll go get Rachel Rhodes!" The others cracked up at the mention of the nosy news reporter.

"Hey, Alex always smiles. In bed. With me."

Thank you, Jay for totally making it better. He gave me a wet kiss that tasted like beer and whiskey. What a great combination. I kissed him back quickly before Paige and company made some ridiculous comment.

"Hey..." I whipped my head around and, to my utter delight (insert sarcasm here), Emma Nelson and Manny Santos were walking through the door. Since when were _they_ invited? Did they even know Ellie? I noticed that Emma carried a little box and I cringed. They brought her a _present_? Wow, this party was turning out to be a lot of fun...

Ellie and Sean walked over to greet the two girls and they wished Ellie a happy birthday.

"Thanks," Ellie replied and showed them where the snacks and drinks were.

Were my eyes deceiving me? Was Emma Nelson actually cracking open a beer? There has got to be something going on... I noticed Jay sneaking glances at the tall, leggy blonde and I jabbed him in the ribs hard.

"Hey!" he cried. He rubbed his rib cage and I smiled sweetly.

"Pay attention to me and not that Cause Girl."

"Problems in paradise?" Ellie grabbed a seat next to me and set her glass down.

"What's that?" I pointed to her cup.

She scrunched her nose, "Sparkling grape juice... How lucky am I? My own party, and I can't even drink."

"Hmm, I wonder why?" I joked. "Speaking of you being pregnant, I can tell you're getting bigger."

Ellie gave me a weird look and excused herself. Great, what did I say now? Somehow I was always saying the wrong things at the wrong time with this girl. What was her deal? I'm just trying to be friendly towards her and she goes and acts like a freak.

Some people are just too weird. Even for me.

**Emma**

"Should we just put it here?" I shook the little gift we got Ellie (earrings) in front of Manny's face and gestured towards the table where a few other people had set their presents and cards.

Manny nodded and set down the card. I placed the gift on top of it. There. Now it's time to party. I picked my beer back up and took a sip. I saw Paige, Spinner, Ashley, Hazel, Jimmy, and _Craig_... I'm sure Manny was drooling over him. He looked good tonight. I prayed for Manny's sake that she'd be able to control herself.

"Manny, that guy's look at you..." I whispered to my friend. She followed my line of vision and noticed a tall boy with floppy blonde hair.

"Hmm... not bad!" Manny whispered back. He smiled. Nope, not bad at all! Manny put on her brightest smile and squeezed my hand before she started walking towards him. I checked my watch and noticed that Chris should be arriving shortly.

"I didn't know you drank."

I looked over at Sean and shrugged. "Didn't always. Just started."

"Well, be careful."

"You're one to talk," I chastised.

"I know. That's why I said it," Sean rolled his eyes and gave me a smile. I smiled back.

"I invited Chris, if that's okay with you."

Sean shrugged and raised his can of beer. "Fine with me. The more the merrier. Have you seen Ellie?"

"I'm right here," Ellie walked up and wrapped her arms around Sean from behind. "Here and totally sober."

I laughed as she pouted and set my beer down. "There, now you won't feel so bad."

"Thanks, Emma. How's Jack doing? Sean didn't ruin him for life, did he?"

"Hey!" Sean gave her a look, and I decided to play along.

"Well..." I started. "Whenever we mention the name 'Sean' he starts crying, but that's pretty much it. I don't think Sean scarred him _too_ bad..."

"That's nice. My girlfriend and ex-girlfriend have decided to get all buddy-buddy and gang up on me. I see how it is. I'm going to go find Towerz."

Sean walked away and left Ellie and me alone together. I pointed towards her stomach. "So, how's the baby?"

"Fine. I had an appointment the other day and the doctor said it should be fine."

"Do you know if it's a boy or girl?"

"Nope. We want to be surprised."

"That's cool... well, Chris is here, so I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah, sure. Bye."

I ran to the door and threw my arms around Chris before giving him a kiss. He kissed me back and I pulled away smiling. He showed me a wrapped gift, "Where should I put this?"

"Oh! Over here." I drug him to the gift table and looked at the present. "So, what is it?"

"A few classical CDs. I heard that babies can hear when you play music, so I thought that'd be a cool gift. I mixed a few classical pieces together and I think they sound _crazy_."

"Aw, that's so sweet! You want a drink?" I took Chris's hand in my own and pulled him towards the counter where all the drinks are.

"Hey Sean," Chris greeted politely. Sean nodded. I know there's a little animosity between them ever since Chris made a crack about Sean's comment on Hamlet.

The chill in the air got the best of me as we all stood around sipping our drinks. I decided to break the ice. "So, Sean, Ellie told me she had a doctor's appointment the other day!"

Sean narrowed his eyes at me. "No, she didn't..."

"Really? She just said a few minutes ago that she had an appointment..." What was going on here? Why is Sean looking at me like I'm crazy? I shrugged and giggled nervously. "Maybe... she didn't just say that...?" What a lame cover-up.

Sean left the counter and I looked over at Chris. "Oops..."

**Sean**

"Well, at least we saw her _eat_ something... even if it was just a few crackers..." I heard

Paige whisper to Ashley. Ashley nodded seriously. Who were they talking about? God, who am I kidding? I _know_ who they're talking about...

"At least she's not throwing up anymore. Or at least not that I know of."

I could feel my cheeks growing hot. Couldn't they talk about this some other time? Besides, nobody has any real proof that Ellie is... well... hurting herself. _Or the baby_. I shook my head sharply. There was no way Ellie would intentionally hurt the baby. She loves this baby. Everything's fine with the baby.

_Then why did she go to the doctors without telling you?_ God... Do you ever feel like someone is playing some big joke and you're the only one who doesn't know? That's how I feel. I feel as if everyone knows that something is wrong with Ellie and I'm the last to know. But it's _not_ that way entirely because I also know something is going on with Ellie. I just choose to forget about it when it's convenient. But I can't now. Obviously something is going on to where she's sneaking around.

Still, I feel like everyone is laughing at me behind my back. I don't appreciate the feeling. And I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

"Emma!" I waved her over even though someone had turned the music up to a deafening level. I doubt she'd even be able to hear me.

"Yeah?"

"Ellie really said she had a doctor's appointment?"

"Yeah... She did. Sean, is there something wrong?"

I clinched my jaw. "No, everything's fine. Thanks."

Maybe it wasn't even a big deal. Maybe she didn't tell me because it was one of those things where nothing was really wrong, but she was just nervous. Sometimes she's like that. She gets nervous about whether or not the baby is okay. _If she's taking care of herself and the baby, then why is she so worried?_ God. Stop. It. Why am I constantly thinking the worst of her?

I caught sight of her talking and laughing with Hazel and Jimmy. Is she telling _them_ about her doctor's appointment? Why would she even tell Emma anyway? I guess it's time to find out...

"Hey guys," I walked up to Jimmy, Hazel, and Ellie.

They all smiled at me and stopped their conversation.

"No, don't stop talking because of me. Ellie, tell them what Dr. Martin said the other day."

Ellie shrugged and tilted her head a little. "He didn't say too much. Just said I'm doing better and the baby looks good."

Ha! I caught her. Ellie instantly realized her mistake and shot me a nervous look. I set my jaw and raised my eyebrows at her.

"If you'll excuse me... I'm not feeling too well..." Ellie gave us all a weak smile and walked back towards the bedroom.

"She didn't look so well. Maybe you should go see what's wrong?" Jimmy offered.

"Yeah, I think I will. Listen man, it's going on 3:00... Ellie's tired, I'm tired. Maybe you can help get everyone out?" I slapped Jimmy on the back and left him and Hazel.

* * *

"Where are you going?" I noticed Ellie packing a few clothes in a bag.

She wouldn't even look at me. "I'm going to stay with my parents for a few days. I just need time away... to think..."

"About how you didn't tell me you had an appointment? Tell me it was no big deal. Tell me there's nothing I should be worried about."

"There _isn't_. I have it all under control."

"Damnit, Ellie! You _always_ say that, and, the next thing I know, you're taking a knife to your arms! Don't blame me if I'm not exactly comforted by you telling me that you have it 'under control'. 'Cause I don't believe it. Tell me what's going on!"

"Sean! Please! Just... We'll talk soon, okay? There are things I have to figure out before I can talk to you."

"But I can help you!"

"No, I don't think you can."

And she left. I sighed and sat down on the bed. I don't think I'll be getting any sleep tonight.

**Ellie**

I sighed and leaned my head back in the bathtub. There's really nothing like a long, hot bubble bath to relieve all the tension. Just relaxing, even if it's only for an hour, is doing wonders for my nerves. I used my foot to turn the water off and wiggled my toes a little bit, admiring the butterscotch color on them.

A knock sounded on the door and I sighed. It was probably my mom. "Come in!" I called out. I grabbed the little rubber ducky that sat next to the soap dish and let him float along in the water. He immediately got lost in all the bubbles. Poor ducky!

"I brought you some iced-tea..." My mom sat a glass on the stand next to the bathtub and sat on the toilet. "How are you feeling? I was surprised to see you in your bed this morning. Is something wrong? Did you and Sean have a fight?"

Leave it to my mom to go overboard on the concerned mother act. I shouldn't be complaining, though. I'm lucky my mom has been so good to me, given the fact that many mothers would shut their daughters out of their lives for getting in the mess I did. My mom's just trying to help me out and I'm definitely grateful for that.

"I'm feeling fine. Nothing is wrong. I just wanted some relaxation time. Sean and I did not have a fight." I answered all of her questions in one breath.

My mom touched the girls at her neck and gave me a "yeah, right..." look and stood up. "Okay, well.. If that's the case. I'll send Sean up."

Before I could protest she sailed out of the room in all her pearl goodness. Sean appeared in the doorway seconds later. He was probably standing behind the door, listening in the entire time. Everyone's always trying to trick me into saying things, I swear.

"Hey," I greeted him softly.

He gave me a casual wave and sat where my mom had just been. He looked like hell, like he hadn't slept in days. "You look... tired..."

"Well, when my pregnant girlfriend walks out on me, I can't help but be a little restless at night."

Ouch. I was getting the sarcasm. It was too early in the morning for that. "Well..." I started, but Sean interrupted me.

"No. I want to talk. You don't interrupt me, okay?"

He paused and I think he wanted me to say "okay" but I was too confused. I didn't think he wanted me to interrupt him...

"Good. Listen, I'm sick of the superficiality of this relationship. You can talk to Marco about all this deep stuff, but you never come to me to talk about _anything_. I feel like I never know what's really going on. I feel like everyone knows some big secret and I don't and everyone's laughing at me behind my back. I just want to know what's going on with you. And you having a 'secret' doctor's appointment scares the shit out of me. I can't help but wonder if something is wrong and you aren't telling me. But I don't want to think that because I love you and you should love me enough to tell me these things. If we're going to have a baby together, we need to get past all this high-school crap. You need to come to me when there's a problem, you have to tell me stuff, I can't drag it out of you anymore..."

I started to open my mouth to respond, but Sean cut me off again.

"And another thing... You don't ever walk out on me again, okay? I was worried sick about you. I didn't know whether you were breaking up with me, if you were leaving me for good, or if you really did just need some time to yourself. Plus, I was in the middle of an important conversation with you. That was incredibly disrespectful of you. And while I've been tossing and turning all night, going out of my mind worrying about you, you're sitting in a bubble bath... _playing with a rubber ducky_."

"You're right..." I agreed softly. "It was rude of me. It was wrong. And I won't do it again."

"Good. Kiss." Sean knelt down next to the bathtub and pursed his lips for a kiss. I kissed him and then leaned back and pouted coquettishly.

"Don't be like that..." He put some bubbles on my nose and I broke into a small smile. "And don't distract me. I'm in the middle of talking to you..."

He sat on the edge of the bathtub and picked up the rubber ducky. "Tell me the truth, Ellie. Why did you have a doctor's appointment and why didn't you tell me?" He squeezed the rubber ducky and it squirted water out on his shirt. He rolled his eyes and threw it back in the tub.

He was really too cute. I played with the bubbles a little and refused to look at him. I could lie. Or just avoid telling him. Or just tell him the truth. I didn't really want to lie. I'm not about lying to people. But I don't want to tell him the truth either. He'll be so mad. So what am I supposed to do? "You really want to know?"

"Yeah."

"You _really_ want to know?" I teased.

Sean gave me a weird look that told me not to joke around and crossed his arms. "Yeah."

"Okay, fine." And with that I grabbed onto his arm and pulled him into the bathtub with me.

**Sean**

"Real mature, Ellie," I snapped, struggling to sit up in the huge bathtub.

She stuck out her lower lip and gave me a "sorry" look. Why is she playing this game with me? Doesn't she care that I'm _worried_? And did she have to look so sexy while infuriating me at the same time?

"I was just trying to lighten the mood," Ellie defended herself.

"I know, I know." I leaned forward and kissed her hard on the lips. "It's just that, well, now I'm all wet."

"Really? Are you implying something sexual?" Ellie bit her lip.

Damnit. I kissed her harder this time. And ran my hands through her wet hair. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me closer to her. I pushed her back slightly. "This is not over yet," I whispered into her lips.

Ellie threw me a towel and went back to drying her hair with hers. I wrapped the towel around my waist and tied it in a knot. I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed the base of her neck before placing my head against hers. She smiled at me in the mirror and went back to combing out her hair.

"We still need to talk."

She stopped talking and faced me. "No, we don't."

"Why not?"

"Because..."

"Because you don't want to tell me anything. You're doing something wrong, aren't you?" I accused.

"No! Not anymore, I'm not."

I turned my face away and tried to get my thoughts back together. She just confessed that she had been doing something bad. What am I supposed to say now? I had had this whole speech prepared when I came here. I had every scenario played out in my head and what I was going to say. Now, I don't know. I honestly don't know what to say next.

"I don't know what to say. What am I supposed to say, Ellie?" My voice rose to a yell.

"Don't yell at me. Please, Sean..."

"Then just tell me what you and Dr. Martin talked about!" I knew I looked like I was throwing a temper tantrum, but I care about her and she's keeping things from me.

Ellie threw her hands up in the air in frustration. "We talked about how I'm _starving_ myself, okay! You happy now!" she screamed.

I stepped back and looked at her. She was lying. She had to be lying. _Don't be stupid. You knew what was going on all along._ I had. I had known. I had caught her throwing up before, then I caught her again when she was pregnant... Everything makes sense now... the constant trips to the bathroom, the lack of cravings, the nonexistent weight gain... Why hadn't I put it all together before? _You did. You just didn't want to say anything._

"Why?" I choked out. It's the only thing I could say.

"I don't know why. Because I'm stupid. Because I'm sick. I'm not sure." She was still pissed. But why was _she_ pissed? I should be the one who's mad.

"Don't talk to me like that."

"Well, stop _pushing_ me to talk to you at all!"

"No! I care about you and what you're doing is wrong."

"I'm not doing it anymore, so _back off_."

She pushed me away and started heading for the door. I grabbed her by the arm of her bathrobe and pulled her back. "Why are you starving yourself? Don't you understand it's bad for the baby? For you?"

"I'm not doing it anymore, okay? I've learned my lesson."

"No, I'm not letting it go like that."

"Just stop it! I don't need to talk about this! I'm fine now!"

I laughed bitterly. "Just because you stopped doing this because you're pregnant doesn't stop you from doing it after you have the baby. How do I know you won't go back to starving and throwing up and everything else?"

"I'm _not_ throw-..."

"_Stop lying_."

Ellie's face crumpled and she collapsed onto the floor. I knelt beside her and put my arms around her, burying my nose in her wet hair. "I'm sorry. I just can't do this anymore."

"Ellie, you really need to talk to me. Tell me everything."

She pulled her bathrobe tighter around her and gave a slight shiver. "It's not that easy... it didn't just start like two months ago or whatever..."

"So, I don't care. I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't think you'll want to be with me anymore after I tell you. I'm scared you'll leave me..." Ellie shook her head tearfully.

I cupped her face in my hands and looked her straight in the eye. "I'm not going anywhere without you."

"You promise?"

I clasped her outreached pinky with mine and shook it. "I promise. Wherever you go, I go. I'll go anywhere with you."

**Aw! Cute moment. I decided to just use Sean because he is her boyfriend and this will only bring them closer. Plus it concerns his baby. So next chapter will have their conversation and... I don't know what else. POV suggestions or just reviews are always welcome! Hope this makes up for last chapter.**


	12. Who I Am Inside

**Chapter 12: Who I Am Inside**

**Ellie**

Sean helped me onto my bed and sat next to me, grabbing a hold of my hands, keeping me from getting up and running away. And that's what I wanted to do more than anything. How am I supposed to even begin to tell him what's wrong with me? _I _don't even really understand it. I never thought I was doing something seriously wrong. I thought I watched what I ate and that I was like any other girl, but I started to wonder whether or not I was going too far.

I think it really started when I saw that I was starting to throw up blood. And I was shaky all the time. I could barely stand up anymore. At first, I thought maybe it's just because I'm pregnant. But when I started to imagine the terrible things that could happen to my baby from what I was doing, I realized something else was wrong. Something more serious than just some fad diet.

And then, just like that, everything came rushing back to me.

"I've never really been... comfortable... um, with my body. I've always watched what I've eaten, how much I've exercised, what I weigh... And I guess it just got _totally out of hand_..." I let out a shaky breath and brought a hand up to my face. "This is really hard," I whispered to Sean.

He cupped my face with his hands and looked me in the eye. "But you can do it. I need to know. I care about you. I need to take care of you."

His soft voice helped calm my nerves a little, but the whole ordeal still made me uncomfortable. I've gone this far, though, how can I turn back? "I'm just _scared_ of being fat. I can't stand the thought of it. I don't even know why. I shouldn't care, right?"

"No. Because you're not fat."

Why do people always say that? Don't they see it? I do. Every time I look in a damn mirror, I do. "Don't."

"Ellie, it's true. You're _not_ fat."

"Sean, you're really not helping here. I can't listen to you say that... You just don't understand..." I know I sound like a bitch, but he doesn't. No one understands what's happening to me.

Sean gave me a hurt look and looked at his hands helplessly. "I'm _trying_ to understand, but you're not telling me. You're not letting me in at all. I want to know what it's like to be you."

"I don't really know how to tell you."

"Tell me. Tell me what your day is like. Tell me what it's like for you to go through a day."

I stood up slowly, pulling my bathrobe tighter around me. It's so hard for me to get it out in words. I don't even understand it. Then, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. "Stay right here. I'll show you."

I went into my closet and searched around for the box. Maybe this would help him understand, maybe it'd help _me_ understand. I reached in the far back and felt around. There. There it is. I pulled the large box out and carried it back into my bedroom, setting it down on the bed next to Sean. "Open it."

**Sean**

I opened the box and peered into it. Inside, there were a bunch of pictures and news clippings. "What is this?" I picked out a few picture and started going through them.

"That's my past. What I used to be. That's me in gymnastics. I was four then."

"You're so short!... And tiny..." I flipped through the next few pictures of Ellie. All from gymnastics.

"That's me at six. That's me when I was seven. Nine. Eight." But no matter how much older she was, she never seemed to look different.

"Were you even happy?" I stared at the serious expression on her face. She wore the same expression in all of the pictures. She looked... bored.

Ellie sat down next to me and picked a few more pictures of the box. "Of course, I was. Here. I just won a medal here." She showed me a picture of her holding up a gold medal and smiling broadly into the camera.

"But you're posing."

"Sean! I was happy."

"Okay, okay, okay... You're so _thin!_" I stared in shock at a picture of her on the balance beam. She looked like she was ready to snap any second.

Ellie took the picture and examined it. "I was seven. I was already counting calories at that age. I'm not _that_ small."

"Ellie, if you can't see how thin you are in this picture, then you're crazy!" As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I had said the wrong thing.

I had spent all night thinking of what I should say to her. I looked all over the internet, at all of the sites, I went over what to say and what not to say. Except, it seems like I'm saying all the wrong things right now. I never knew it would be this hard.

Ellie's eyes flashed and she stood up quickly. "I'm _not_ crazy! You have no idea what you're talking about, Sean! Here- look at _this_ picture! Here I am, age 12. I weight 74lbs! And this one- I'm ten. I'm ten and keeping a food diary of everything I've eaten that day. And at age thirteen, I was throwing up more than eleven times a day. This is my ballet picture. I starved myself for a week for this picture. I said I was on a _religious_ fast and everyone fell for it. _Nobody_ really cares about me, Sean. Everyone just ignores me. No one sees what I go through everyday."

I picked up a picture that caught my eye. Ellie was sitting on a little bed in a small and simple room. She had a huge t-shirt on and a pair of jeans and she looked _miserable_. "Where's this at?"

She calmed down and took the picture from me. "Oh. That. Some stupid hospital my dad made me go to."

"For...?" I didn't want to finish the rest of the sentence. Did her parents know? Did they actually know and not do anything about it?

Ellie crossed her arms defiantly. "Yeah... but my dad pulled me out. He knew I wasn't happy there."

She seemed almost proud of the fact that she had persuaded her dad to take her out of recovery. God, this is sad. This is really sad. "Don't you understand what you're doing?" I asked her quietly.

She looked back at me with big, morose eyes. "Now I do," she choked out. She kneeled down in front of me and placed her hands on my thighs. "It really hurts. I can barely walk. My stomach is killing me. I laid in bed the other day in pain for three hours. I couldn't even get up, it hurt so bad. I was so scared. That's why I went to the doctor's."

I couldn't even open my mouth. This is it, she's breaking down in front of me. She continued when I didn't say anything. "I don't even feel like I'm my own person anymore. I've _tried_ to stop, Sean. Honest. But I _can't_. No matter how many times I tell myself that I'll eat today, I don't. And then I say that I'll eat the next day, but I don't. I find any excuse not to. I hide my food, I throw it away, I give it to the cats... I don't feel in control anymore!"

I smoothed her hair out of her face and watched as tears started to roll down her cheeks. "Sshh. We're going to get through this. Together. I promise. It's going to take awhile, but we will. Don't beat yourself up about this."

"Please, Sean. Don't let me do it anymore. I _can't_ hurt this baby." The waver in her voice was too much for me. I fell onto my knees beside her and pulled her into a tight hug. And then she told me. She told me everything. She told me about Breydon, about the baby she lost because of her eating disorder, and about the pain she felt.

She wiped at her eyes. "I don't even know if I did it on purpose or not. I don't think I did. But I don't know. What kind of person _starves _themself, knowing that they're pregnant? Only someone as sick and twisted as me-..."

"Hey! Don't talk about yourself like that. You didn't realize what you were doing. Ellie, you can't beat yourself up forever. You don't even know if that's the full reason why you miscarried. You just don't know."

"But I didn't take care of myself or the baby. I was _selfish_. I only cared about what I looked like. And I'm doing it again. I can't mess it up this time."

I stared into her eyes. "And you're not going to. You are going to deliver a strong, healthy baby, and it's going to have a wonderful life.Our baby is going to love us, we're going to be one, big, happy family."

She clung to my arms and buried her face into my shoulder. "What am I going to _do_?" she muffled out.

I stroked her hair lightly. "First of all, what did Dr. Martin say? That's where we start. With your doctor."

Ellie pulled away and fiddled with the belt on her robe. "He just said I need to eat more. He said I need to talk to someone."

"That's all?"

"I think he was too surprised that I was actually admitting that there's something wrong with me," Ellie mused bitterly. She threw her hands up in the air. "I must be crazy or something. Seriously. Because sometimes I think I'm fine, and then there's other times when I feel like I'm in big trouble. It's like this big revelation that occurs every so often. And I get scared. But I can't do anything about it."

I racked my brain for any words of encouragement I could give her. What did those web sites say I should say? Come on, I have to remember. I have to say _something_ that can help her. I can't let her go on thinking that this is all her fault, that she's worthless, and she's crazy, and whatever else she's thinking right now.

I sighed and ran a hand over my tired eyes. I can't just recite something off of a website. I need to say something _real_. "Honestly, Ellie... I don't know what to do. I don't. But we're going to figure it out, okay?"

"We're? You're not the one with the problem. You're _fine_."

I shook my head. "No. I'm with you on this. I'm going to be there every step of the way."

"You don't have to do this-..."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't want you getting involved!"

"Ellie! You can't get rid of me." I grabbed her hand and held it with both of mine. "You see this? Me holding your hand? This is what it's going to be like. I'm not going to let you get even sicker, beat yourself up over this, or relapse. You're going to be healthy, and we are going to get on with our lives. Do you understand?"

A tear slid down her cheek, but she didn't wipe it away. "I can't believe you're being so good to me. I don't deserve anything from you."

"Hey! That's not true. You deserve everything. You're _worth_ everything. I love you, Ellie."

"I love you, too."

**Ellie**

I finished putting my sweatshirt on and sat back down on the bed, staring at my feet. I

looked up at Sean, who was still drying his hair a little. I can't believe I told him everything. I feel like such an idiot. He probably thinks I'm insane, and he can't stand the sight of me. _Stop it. Sean loves you._ I put a hand to my stomach and rubbed it back and forth. _And so does this baby._ The thought of the baby put a little smile on my face.

"What are you smiling about?" Sean turned around and stood in front of me.

"I'm just thinking about the baby," I responded.

Sean smiled, too, and held out his hands for me to take so he could help me to my feet. "Are you ready?"

I held back a little. "No." I was _not_ ready to go and talk to my parents. They'll go berserk. I know. I've been in this situation before.

Sean helped me off of the bed and wrapped me in his arms for a few minutes, just holding me, not saying anything, just letting me know he's here. I can't even express how in love with him I am at this moment. He's been there for me through a lot- cutting, the pregnancy, and now _this_ problem. I don't even know what to call this problem. I can't call it an eating disorder. That sounds so harsh, so crazy, so... wrong. People like me don't get eating disorders. People like me are in control all the time, are smart, know better. I never thought what I was doing was wrong, but back then it had only been me, now I have someone else to take care of. I have a baby, and I know it's wrong when I'm putting my feelings and wants and health ahead of the baby's.

Sean led me downstairs. My parents are down there. I have to tell them that I'm not okay. That I've been lying and sneaking around and I'm finally admitting there's something wrong with me. I never would admit it before. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me before. And now, now I know there is.

It's so scary. My parents could send me away. They could put me in that hospital again. If they put me in there again, I don't know what I'll do. That was the lowest point of my life. Being left behind in some white room with overly cheery nurses and trays of food and threats and being fed through tubes of my nose. I was so restricted. I couldn't do anything about it except cry to daddy.

And now? Now they're going to be so disappointed in me.

My parents sat down on the love seat in the living room and stared back at me with solemn eyes. Did they know already? Had they guessed? I tried to get back up and run away, but Sean was holding on to my hand. My leg was shaking viciously. Sean whispered something into my ear, but I don't even know what he said. I'm too busy thinking of how my parents are going to react. Send me away, scream at me, cry, be angry, leave me... All possible reactions.

"You wanted to tell us something, sweetie?" My dad fixed me with a concerned look. My dad. He's the one who I've always been able to tell anything to. But I couldn't tell him this. I couldn't tell him about all the pressure I felt in my life- winning that gold medal, getting the lead part, getting perfect grades, always having boyfriends... He would have just been disappointed in me. And now? I still can't tell him. I can't tell him about my cutting or how I felt when he left or how I feel about mom's drinking... And now he's looking at me, frightened. He looks like he's ready to be sick. He really does care about me. Even if he's never around.

"Dad..." my mouth felt like sandpaper. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Dad... Mom... I, uh..."

Their eyes bore into me. They were waiting. My mom's eyes flickered over to my dad with a concerned look. Even my mom's worried about me.

"There's something... things aren't... there's something... wrong..."

"Yes?" my mom whispered.

"... with me..." my eyes stared at the oriental rug on the floor. I remember going with my mom to pick it out a few years ago. I also remember passing out on it last year after I had starved myself for over a week. My parents had been gone. I just fell over and slept.

"Ellie?" Sean nudged me a little with his elbow.

I jerked my head back up, feeling lightheaded. I licked my lips and look at my parents' faces. "I'm sick."

"How? Is it the baby? What's wrong?" my dad's questions came out, one right after the other.

I shook my head. "No. The baby is... fine." I hope. "It's _me_."

"..."

"I'm sick."

"..."

I burst into tears. "I'm _sorry_! I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on anything. I feel like I'm not even a person anymore. And I just want to feel better. I can't do this anymore. I can't _do_ this!"

My mom shot out off of the sofa and sat on the other side of me, putting an arm around my shoulder. "What's going on? What do you mean?"

"I'm so sorry. I'm such an utter disappointment to both of you. I don't even deserve to be your daughter. I can't do _anything_ right!"

Sean's grip tightened on my hand, my mom's grip tightened on my shoulder, and I felt my dad's fingers brush away the tears falling from my eyes. I looked up into his eyes and saw how much pain I was causing him. Tears were starting to fill his eyes, and I hate myself for it. The thing I hate most in this world is seeing my dad cry.

I couldn't even say anymore. It was just too hard trying to force the words out. Sean kissed me on the temple and whispered to me, "I'm so proud of you."

"We're going to get you help, honey," My mom brushed the hair out of my face. For once, she was acting like the mother I used to know. Despite all my complaining about her, about how much I wish she was gone sometimes, about how horrible she is, I still want that special mother/daughter relationship with me so much. I want her to talk to me about superficial things that don't even matter, and I want her to give me rules. Most of all, I want her to accept me. And now, I think she's starting to.

**Ashley**

"Sean!" my eyes widened when I saw him.

He stared back at me with bloodshot eyes, heavy with dark under-eye circles. In short, he looked like death itself.

"Are you okay?" Hell, even I was concerned. I looked around, but didn't see Ellie. I wonder if Ellie knows he looks this bad. Oh yeah, they're living together. I can't believe she let him come to school like this. Unless... unless they got into a fight... and they're not living together anymore... Oh my God. That would totally explain why he looked like hell, and Ellie wasn't with him. She must be devastated right now. If Sean even did anything to hurt her, I will freaking kill him. "Where's Ellie? Did you two get in a fight? Is she okay?"

"Ashley, chill. Ellie will be coming in later." He tried to push past me, but I stopped him.

"Why?" I wasn't being nosey, I'm generally concerned about her. "Is something wrong?"

"Listen, I really don't want to get into it. She's not fine, but I'm not going to get into it."

"Sean! Is it the baby? You have to tell me. I'm her best-friend," I put my hands on my hips and fixed him with a death-glare.

Sean looked exasperated. "Look, I'm tired. I'm in a crappy mood. I don't have time for this."

He started to walk away again, but I decided to try one more time. "Sean? Please?"

He stopped in his tracks and looked back at me. "Fine," he sighed. He took my elbow and drug me over to a more secluded part of the hallway. If that's possible.

"Okay, tell me," I whispered once we were, more or less, alone.

Sean looked around him and stuffed his hands in his pant pockets. "You know how we were all concerned about Ellie before? About... the whole eating thing?"

"Yeah..." Is this going where I think it's going?

"Well... she more or less confessed to it. To me."

"Oh my god! What did she say? Why did she confess?"

"I don't really want to get too in detail- but I confronted her about it, she admitted it, we told her parents. Her parents are bringing her in today to talk to Ms. Sauve about a therapist."

I crossed my arms over my chest and breathed a sigh of relief. "Good! I'm glad she'd going to get help. Really. This is, like, a blessing. Thanks for telling me, Sean."

He nodded and wandered off. Wow. I can't believe Ellie actually told someone. I wish she had told me. I want to help her so much. I leaned against a row of lockers and pondered over what action to take next. Should I go to her? Would she tell me or should I bring it up?

"Hey hon!" Paige sauntered up to me with a big grin on her face. "You look upset, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing... I mean..." Well, Sean didn't say not to tell anyone, right? And Paige always gives good advice. As weird as that sounds. Maybe she could give me advice. Yes, she could definitely help. "You won't believe what Sean just told me."

"Spill, girl!"

I spoke to her in a hushed voice. "He said Ellie told him she has an eating disorder! She admitted it, Paige."

"Woah. I almost forgot about that." Paige raised her eyebrows and inspected her nails. "Is she getting help? What about the baby?"

"He didn't tell me too much. Just that she told him and then they told her parents. They're going to get her a therapist. But what should I do? Should I go up to her and tell her that I know? Or should I just wait until she comes to me."

Paige looked up from her thumbnail. "If I know Ellie, not that I really do or anything, but, from what I know... She doesn't really offer any information about _anything_. She'll never come to you. You'll have to go to her. But, then again, that could also be bad."

"Yeah..."

"Hey girls! What's up?" Hazel bounced up to us with a huge smile on her face. "You won't believe what Jimmy just said. He just said that-..."

"Hazel, Ellie admitted she has an eating disorder. What should we do?" Paige blurted out before Hazel could say anything else.

I almost smacked her across the face. I had told her this in strict confidence and the first person she sees, she tells. Damnit!

Hazel pursed her lips and let out a slow breath. "Wow. That's... wow. That must have been hard for her. I don't know... does Marco know?"

I hit myself on the forehead. "Of course Marco would know! Why didn't we think of this before? Ellie tells him absolutely _everything_."

Paige rolled her eyes. "_I know_... It's almost pukeworthy how they act around each other. Like a bunch of little giggling pre-pubescent tweens."

I ignored her comment. "There he is. Let's go ask his advice."

"Oh, Marco!" Hazel called out in a sing-song voice.

Marco gave us a wary glance, but came over to us anyway. "Ladies?"

"Okay, so, spill on how you think we should deal with this Ellie-situation," I commanded.

Marco furrowed his eyebrows and gave me a confused look. "Ellie? Situtation? Huh?"

"You don't know?" Paige put a hand to her chest in shock. "Marco! Ellie's, like, in the hospital for starving herself."

"She is not!" I retorted. "She told her parents she has an eating problem. We thought you knew. We wanted to ask you how we should go around handling this."

Marco just stared back at me. And then, without a word, he turned on his heel and ran down the hallway. I gasped and looked at Paige and Hazel in amazement. Did he really just do that? Paige shrugged her shoulders, Hazel looked up at the ceiling, and I pinched the bridge of my nose. I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I just wanted to help her, and, now, I've made everything worse.

**Geeze, poor Ash. I always make her ruin things. It just comes out that way, though. Okay, next chapter- Ellie's visit to a therapist, Ellie finds out that everyone knows, Marco/Ellie, maybe even some Jay/Ellie,Alex/Ellie, etc... What do you guys want:) Thanks for the great reviews!**


	13. Not Enough

**Chapter 13: Not Enough**

**Marco**

"Okay, your mom said it's fine you go home. Just sign out, and you can leave."

I gave a thankful smile to Mrs. Richards and signed out from school for the day. Thank God she bought my whole "I'm so sick" story. And my mom did, too. But, then again, my mom's always been a pushover. I grabbed my backpack and headed out of school. The wind was blowing hard outside so I zipped up my pullover and stuffed my hands in its pockets.

Why, why, why does it seem I learn something new about Ellie every day? Why can't there be no surprises between us? That's all I want. No secrets, no suprises, just consistent loyalty and honesty. Do I get that, though? _No_. I get to learn everything about her through Paige and every other gossip in the school.

Okay, that's not exactly fair. It's not like I was completely blind. We almost staged an intervention earlier, but that just sort of fell through... And then I started to feel that maybe she really has been okay this entire time. She seemed so _happy_ about being pregnant and living with Sean and just... happy about everything. She's such a good actress.

Still, I thought I knew her well enough to know when she's acting and when she's not. I should have known better. I should have known that Ellie Nash will always have some sort of drama going on in her life no matter how hard she tries not to. It's just... it's what _is_ with her. And it drives me crazy. It drives me crazy because I'm constantly worrying about her, concerned for her, breaking my back to make sure nobody ever hurts her. And, in the end, it doesn't help it all. It does jack shit. And I feel completely helpless.

I'm supposed to help her. And I can't even do that.

But that's going to change.

* * *

I checked my watch and looked inside the window at Ellie's front door. It looked like nobody was home. But Ellie's window was open a little, and I could hear noise. Good, she's home. And as soon as I open this door, I'm going to go straight up to her room and tell her exactly what I think about her. I'm going to tell her I'm mad, upset, disappointed, _everything_ because she won't talk to me. She won't tell me when something is going on with her. How can we be best friends if she won't even talk to me?

I stormed through the door and up the stairs, not even bothering to check if her parents were home. Knowing them, they're not. They're in their corner offices, looking out of their huge bay windows, and talking on their cell phones. Whatever... The door to her room was open, and I could hear the strumming of her guitar. I started to barge into her room, but the sound of her voice stopped me in the doorway.

She was sitting in a chair in the corner of her room, turned away from me. She looked sad, pensive, and, above all, beautiful. My shoulder hit the door frame, and I crossed my arms, taking her in.

"_She can't tell me that all of the love songs_ _have been written,_

'_cause she's never been in love with you before. _

_Your skin smells lovely like sandalwood. _

_Your hair falls soft like animals. _

_I'm trying to keep cool, but everyone likes you. _

_I want to kiss the back of your neck, _

_the top of your spine where your hair hits, _

_and gnaw on your fingertips and fall asleep. _

_I'll talk you to sleep. _

_But I'll be the one, I will have chosen. _

_I'm trying to keep cool, but everyone here likes you._

_I'm not the only one. _

_Your skin smells lovely like sandalwood. _

_Your hair falls soft like animals_,

_and nothing else matters to me. _

_She can't tell me that all of the love songs have been written, _

'_cause she's never been in love with you before. _

_Your hand, _

_so hot,_

_burns a hole in _

_my hand. _

_I wanted to show you." _

My fell open the moment she uttered the first word. Was this really her? I struggled to say something myself, but I couldn't. I was... speechless. Literally. She looked outside her window for a few moments before strumming a few more chords and looking towards the door.

"Marco," she looked at me in surprise, placing her guitar on the floor and standing up quickly. "I... I didn't hear you knock."

I found my voice. "I didn't. I just kind of... came in."

She looked at her watch. "Were my parents down there?"

"_No_. Does that surprise you?" I asked harshly. I mentally slapped myself for the tone of my voice.

Ellie gave me a hurt look. "They just went to go pick up some juice. So... why are you here?"

I let out a growl and punched my fist against the door. "_Why am I here?_ Do you really have to ask that? Do you think I'm _stupid?_ That I wouldn't find out?"

I couldn't stop myself from screaming. I didn't _want_ to scream at her. I just did, though. I was frustrated. Frustrated that she always has to have a problem, frustrated that she didn't tell _me_, frustrated that she was hurting herself.

Ellie didn't tear up, she didn't get upset, she just gave me a sad smile and walked closer to me. "You heard... I should have known. I should have never told anyone," she muttered the last part and gave a sideways glance at her reflection in her vanity mirror.

I looked down at my feet, a little embarrassed by my outburst. As if she wasn't feeling horrible enough, I go and try and make her feel even worse. "Yeah, well, Ashley and Paige aren't known for keeping their mouths shut."

"Ashley?"

"It was more Paige," I recalled hurriedly. There's no way I want Ellie blaming Ashley for this. "Ashley got mad at her. I don't know how Ashley knew, but she really just wanted advice on what to do and what to say to you."

Ellie nodded and wrapped her arms around herself. "I'm sure she found out from Sean... She probably got it out of him by force. She's stubborn," she smiled wistfully.

"I didn't mean to yell. I'm just... I'm frustrated."

"With me?"

"No... yes... with everything in general. Why can't you just be happy and healthy and..."

"Don't you think I want that?" Ellie snapped. She flounced down on her bed and grabbed a stuffed giraffe, holding it close to her chest. "Believe me, Marco. I wonder everyday why I can't be happy. What I did that was so wrong that I'm burdened with this... _pain_."

I took a seat next to her and put a hand on her knee. "Listen, I'm here for you. I might be angry for awhile, but only because I care about you so much that I can't stand to see you hurting yourself."

"I don't think anyone understands just how hard this is. I'm going to be a _mother_, Marco. A _mother_. I'm only sixteen."

"You're going to be a great mother," I whispered softly, my eyes smiling.

Ellie played with the hem of her skirt and rolled her eyes.

"There's the old Ellie Nash that we all know and love... Come on. Talk to me, Els."

I placed an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close as she told me what was going on. About the past, the pressure, the fear... I listened intently, interjecting my own thoughts and feelings on the subject every now and then. But mostly I just listened. I think that's what Ellie needs most right now- someone to listen to her and not pass judgment on her so quickly.

**Ellie**

"Are you still angry with me?" I looked up at Marco's face. I still can't tell exactly what he's feeling about all of this. He's so hard to read right now.

He shook his head, "Sort of. Most of all, I'm angry that this has gone on for this long and nothing has been done about it. Do you know how... how... _pathetic_ that is? I don't know. You'd think that someone would have noticed. Or that your parents would have been firm with you."

"Don't blame them. Seriously, I can manipulate them so easily... It's a wonder they even were able to keep me there for long as they did. But will you help me?"

"Of course, Ellie!"

"No, Marco, I _really_ need you to help me. I talked to Ms. Sauve today. We found me a therapist who I can talk to. Mrs. Brahm. She seems nice... I don't know. I guess I'm not supposed to be excited about this. I'm still a bit... angry, I guess, that I let it out. I wish I had kept it a secret."

"No, don't say that."

"It's how I feel. I can't help that. This has been who I am for so long, it's going to be scary to let it go."

Seriously, how am I going to get through this? It's like asking someone who's smoked a pack of cigarettes every day for ten years to just stop one day. It's near impossible. I'm really going to try, though. I tried before, I failed. This time, I _can't_ fail. If I do, it could mean my baby's life. I can't let that happen. I _won't_ let that happen. I'm going to beat this.

"I'm going to beat this, Marco," I announced out loud.

Marco smiled and squeezed my knee. "I'm glad you're so positive. You've already done the first step- admitting. Now you're doing the second step- staying positive."

"It's easy to say it when I think about my baby. I think it's the only thing keeping me going at the moment..." I put a hand to my stomach and rested it there. As if it heard me, he or she started kicking.

"Marco, feel this." I placed his hand on my stomach and his face broke out into a huge grin.

"Woah! Feisty!"

I laughed, "Oh, Marco. What would I do without you?"

"I don't know, Els. But what would I do without you?"

"Have peace of mind..." I joked. I wasn't all kidding, though. Marco's life would be so much easier without him worrying about me all the time. I looked at his worn face and saw how much I was hurting him. I was stressing him out.

Still, he shook his head and pulled me in for a hug. "I'm supposed to worry about you. You help me out, I help you out. You've helped me more than I could ever express."

I looked in his eyes and blushed. He always gets me so emotional. "Quit it... We're equal then?"

"Yeah. I'm really sorry for yelling before."

"Eh, it's your job. I deserve it."

"No... you don't. You can't help it."

"I think I'm really starting to believe that..." I ran a shaky hand through my hair and wiped at my eyes. "We're being way too serious, though. I don't think I can take being serious for one more second."

"Ellie Nash wants to _not_ be serious? Call the newspapers!"

"Alert the Grapevine!" We laughed at ourselves, and I put my giraffe back in it's place on my pillows. "What now?"

"Now? Now you can explain why you never told me what an amazing singer you are... Seriously, Ellie. You move me to tears."

I blushed again and looked down at my hands. "I can't believe you heard me... I'm not that good, really."

"Not that good? Not that good?" Marco shot off of the bed and gestured towards my guitar. "_That_ was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. You should be showing that off!"

I shook my head and dug my fingernails into the bed covers. "No... I shouldn't be. Especially not right now... with everything going on."

"I guess you're right... Still, I wouldn't mind hearing more. Please?"

I opened my mouth to protest, but Marco was already pushing the guitar into my hands. I took the musical instrument and strummed a few chords. Maybe I could do it. It'd take my mind off of things. And he's already heard me before, what difference would one more song make?

**Sean**

"How about some bananas?" I held up a bunch of bananas that appeared to be ripe. They

looked pretty good. I mean, they weren't _black_ or anything.

"Those aren't good," Ellie muttered.

I set the bunch back down and moved onto a different fruit. "Apples? You like apples right?"

"I prefer green or yellow apples..."

"Well, there are some yellow apples right here," I pointed to a display of golden delicious apples.

Ellie shook her head and moved on. "Not the right shade of yellow."

"Carrots?"

"No."

"You _love _carrots!" I protested.

Ellie screwed up her mouth and crossed her arms. "I don't _want_ carrots."

I sighed heavily and pushed the cart in front of me. So far we had a bag of chips- and those were for _me_. Ellie barely argued with me over them either, not like before. I went down another aisle and looked around. "Macaroni?"

Ellie shook her head.

I grabbed a few boxes anyway. Hey, I'd eat it. I'll eat anything. "What about just spaghetti?"

"Do you know how many _carbs_ is in pasta?" Ellie sneered. She threw a box of bowtie pasta in anyway. "Just so you'll shut up, though..."

I glared at her from behind. Seriously. I get that this is hard for her, but does she have to be such a bitch about it? I tried again. "Spaghettios?"

"I don't eat food that comes from a can. And just to save your breath- I don't want Ramen, I don't want soup, I don't want-..."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT THEN?" I shouted loudly. A few people in the aisle looked my way and my face flushed.

Ellie rolled her eyes, "Cute, Sean..."

"Ice cream? Pregnant women love ice-cream!" I'm seriously trying to help here. I'm trying to be kind and considerate and not too pushy, but, seriously, she's pressing all the wrong buttons. I'm trying to _help_ and she won't even let me. How is this supposed to work?

She didn't even answer me. She just continued to stroll down the aisles, arms wrapped around herself, eyes looking straight ahead. She couldn't even look at the food.

"Pickles? Donuts? Pizza? Mustard? Eggs? What the hell do you want?"

She didn't hear me. I gripped the handle to the shopping cart, trying to calm myself down. It didn't. Instead, I rammed the cart into a row of shelves and turned around. Screw the chips.

"Sean!" Ellie ran after me. "What are you doing?"

"Making a scene. What does it look like?"

"Aren't you going to get your chips? You need something for dinner, Sean." Her voice was concerned.

_She_ was concerned about _me_. About my eating habits. About whether or not I was going to get dinner that night.

"Well, I'll eat when you start eating. There. That's how it's going to be."

"You're being immature."

"You're being impossible."

"I don't know if I can do this."

"I don't know if I can do this either."

"What do you mean?"

I stared long and hard at her. "I mean, I can't help you by myself. You won't let me. Maybe you need to move back in with your parents."

**Short, but I found it more effective this way. Next chapter- Ashley/Ellie, Ellie and her therapist, and will Ellie still live with Sean? Feedback/ suggestions for povs and anything are always welcome. Thanks for the awesome reviews. **


	14. We Can Work It Out

**Chapter 14: We Can Work It Out**

**Ellie**

"You don't really want this, Sean..." my voice trailed off as Sean grabbed my overnight

bag stuffed with clothes, shoes, and toiletries.

"It's only for a little bit, Elle. We just need... you're going through a lot right now. I don't want you feeling like you have to worry about me and housework and everything. I want you to take care of yourself first."

"Oh, in that case, _how noble_," I snapped. I pulled the bag away from him and stumbled back a bit. "I can do this myself."

"Ellie!" Sean snatched the bag back from me and made a big deal of rolling his eyes. "Maybe this time apart will help you _grow up_."

"Don't talk to me like that, Mr. Let's Steal and Get Caught and Go To Jail!"

"That's not fair to bring that up."

"It's not fair to put me out in the cold," I shot back. I was just so angry that he didn't want me around. He doesn't want to help me. He doesn't care about me.

"Stop being so dramatic. Your nice mansion is hardly the arctic."

I watched as he set the bag down and went back to the bedroom to get another one. I sat down in a kitchen chair. Maybe he's right. Maybe it would be better. I'd live with my parents for a few weeks, get better, and come back to live with Sean.

Yeah, right... That's the optimistic point of view. It's going to take a lot longer than just two weeks to get better. Who knows if I'll ever get better?

"When is the taxi getting here?" I shouted out to Sean.

Sean came out of the bedroom with another huge bag and let out a groan as he tried to pick up both of them. "What do you have in here? Rocks? The taxi said it'd be here at 5:00."

"Well... it's quarter til. Do you want me to get you a drink?" I got up from my chair and walked into the little kitchen quarters.

"That'd be great. Thanks."

"No problem."

I'm not going to deny it. I'm still a little upset with Sean's decision to send me to my parents, but what am I supposed to do? It's the only place I can go. I love my parents, don't get me wrong, it's just... I don't really understand how I'm supposed to get better with them around. They try, they really do, but they just always... fall short, it seems. Either my dad can't get away from work, or my mom will make some insensitive comment without realizing it, or they'll just push me way too hard and too fast.

I remember last time, when Zeke mentioned to them that I might have a problem, they had immediately taken me out for a three-course meal. They didn't try and ask me about it, they didn't ask any doctors about it, they just tried to force me to eat a huge dinner. And they thought that would cure it. They had done their part, now the rest was up to me.

At least they're not placing me in some "jail" like last time.

"Here you go," I handed the glass to Sean and started to turn away. All of a sudden, I was feeling _very_ emotional.

But Sean grabbed my arm and pulled me to him. "Come here."

I sat down in his lap, and he wrapped his arms around me, rocking me back and forth. I kept myself from throwing my arms around him and begging him to let me stay. How am I supposed to deal with this all by myself?

A car horn honking broke us from our thoughts. Of course... just when I was gathering to courage to beg Sean, the taxi driver had to go and ruin it. I sighed as I got to my feet and looked around at our- his- apartment. It was even beginning to look decent with all the decorating I had been doing in my spare time.

Sean grabbed my bags, and I slipped on my jacket. This is really it. Oh God, I'm acting as if it's forever... It's only a few weeks, Nash. Get over it. Still, I can't help but feel like it's going to be a long time before Sean will want me back. Maybe even months!

He loaded the bags into the trunk and gave the taxi driver instructions to help me get them into the house. I noticed he slipped the disgruntled driver a bill as they shook hands.

"So..." Sean's hands fell to his side. "This is it."

"Yeah. This is it," I repeated dumbly.

"Call me when you get there, okay?"

"Okay. Bye," I kissed him quickly on the mouth, ready to just get in the car and speed off, but he grabbed my wrist and drug me back for a deeper kiss.

"I love you," he whispered into my lips.

"Me too," I whispered back.

I stared into his eyes for a second, quietly screaming inside for him to stop me, but he didn't. He just smiled and tapped the top of the taxi as I rolled away. I dug myself into the back seat and crossed my arms across my chest. This is not the beginning of something good. Not at all.

**Sean**

I waved to the retreating taxi, hoping that Ellie would happen to be looking back at me.

I walked back into my apartment feeling worn out. The place is going to be real lonely without her. Who else is going to whine and bitch about every little thing? I can't imagine not hearing "Law & Order" on all night or "Jeopardy". I grabbed the remote off the small coffee table and flipped through the stations. Oh, come on! "Law & Order" _has_ to be on.

It wasn't.

I glanced at my watch. Only two minutes have passed since she left.

Maybe I'll just put on some of her music. I went to the computer (present from daddy) and searched through the I-Tunes for the most Ellie-like song I could find. I clicked on Two Princes by Spin Doctors and turned the volume up. She listens to this song probably twelve times a night. _Trying_ to sing it, granted. She still can't figure out the words.

"_Marry him, marry me. I'm the one that loved you baby can't you see? I ain't got no future or family tree, but I know what a prince and lover ought to be. I know what a prince and lover ought to be. Said if you want to call me baby, just go ahead now. And if you like to tell me-..."_

Shit. Am I _really_ singing Spin Doctors? Ellie is definitely going to be my downfall. She will be the destroyer of my reputation. Okay, I'll put it on "Friday I'm in Love". That'll work. The Cure isn't girly.

I glanced at my watch again. Five minutes have passed. Five minutes without her, and I'm already getting all mopey and playing songs that remind me of her. How lame is that?Okay, since nothing is on TV, maybe I'll just... uh... clean or something. No, that reminds me of her. And how insane she is about categorizing things. And I can't eat, because all I have is cereal in the house, and the cereal reminds me of her. She put them in alphabetical order.

Six minutes have passed.

Maybe I'll just go for a walk.

So I did. I grabbed my hoodie, slipped it on, and started outside. Seriously though, maybe I should try and take the route the taxi did and make sure it didn't break down or anything. That's actually a _really_ good idea. I accelerated from my walk into a slow jog and finally full-out running. Sprinting. If I kept this speed up, I could probably catch the taxi.

It took me ten minutes, but I finally caught up with the taxi. The idiot must not have been going too fast. He was only a few blocks away. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the taxi and starting slapping on it's window.

"Stop!" I called, hoping the driver would hear me.

He did. The car broke to a halt, and I opened Ellie's door.

"Are you okay?"

She stared at me weirdly. "Um, yeah... Why wouldn't I be?"

"No reason. Okay, just making sure."

The driver looked back at me. "_Hey man_, do you _mind_? I'm trying to drive the lady home."

"No, I don't mind at all. Don't forget to call me."

Ellie gave me a little smile, and I shut the door. Good. Now that I know she's okay, I can relax back at home. I could always call Jay and have him come over. But... if he's going to come over, then Alex will probably come over, and that means it'd kind of be like a little... "party". So, shouldn't I invite Ellie? She _is_ my girlfriend, after all. And I'm sure she's already missing Dolce and Gabanna since I'm keeping them at my house for awhile. So, I'm sure she'd like to visit them, too. I don't think she got to give them a decent goodbye. God, why don't I just admit it? I love her. And I don't want her leaving. No excuses, I just _want _her.

"Ellie!" I yelled, running after the taxi. Is it my imagination or did that lame driver actually speed up? "Ellie!"

I ran behind the taxi, waving my arms. Why can't she see me? I picked up my speed, sprinting until I was alongside the taxi. "Stop!" I pounded on the window. "Stop!"

The car screeched to a halt. The minute it was safe, I threw the door open and grabbed Ellie's hands. "You're not going."

"What?" her eyes widened and she glanced back at the taxi driver.

"You're not going," I repeated simply. "I love you. I don't want you to go. I want to take care of you and help you and just be with you."

Ellie laughed, "Are you kidding me?"

"No," I answered seriously.

"You want me to stay?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"More than anything."

"Then I will!"

* * *

"Seriously, don't mind my lack of intelligence before. I never really wanted you gone. It just flew out of my mouth at the store."

Ellie fiddled with her yogurt and rolled her eyes. "_Suuuure_."

"Quit it!" I threw a pillow at her and she giggled as she ducked it. "Who else is going to make sure I do my homework?"

"You better thank your lucky stars that I'm still around. I don't know how long I can handle you." She gave me a look that she only graces me with once in awhile. It was _sexy. _

I started towards her. "Well, I don't know how long I can keep from man-handling _you_."

"Ah!" Ellie yelped as I picked her up off the couch and carried her to the bedroom. "What are you going to do to me?"

I placed her gently on the bed and kneeled over her, kissing her head, her forehead, her nose, and finally her lips. I pulled on her lip a little bit. "Show you how much I love you."

"Mmm. Then go right ahead, sir."

**Alex**

"Jay, do you _really_ think you should just barge in?" I smacked his arm, but followed him

inside Sean's apartment anyway. I was ready for a beer.

Jay stopped in his tracks and looked around. "Where are they?"

I had to suppress my laughter. "Better yet, what's that _noise_?"

Jay gave me a weird look and listened. It took him a few moments, but he realized soon what he was hearing. "Oh, _gross_! Disgusting!"

I placed my hands on my hips. "Oh, so sex is disgusting now? I'll remember that."

"Only when it's Sean and Ellie. You'd think they would have learned by now what happens when they screw."

"Uh, I don't think they have to worry about that anymore. Come on, let's go."

At that moment, the bedroom door flew open and Sean came out in a pair of boxers, sweaty and elated. He stopped when he saw us, though. "What the hell are you guys doing here?"

"Pop in visit?" I quipped.

"Um, well..."

"_Sean!_ Come on! I want more!" Ellie's voice called out from the bedroom. "You owe me."

Jay and I burst out laughing at the expression on Sean's face. Total embarrassment.

"Uh, _honey_, Jay and Alex decided to pay us an _unwanted_ visit!" Sean slapped a huge grin on his face and walked towards the kitchen. "Drink, anyone?"

"A beer for me."

"Me, too."

"Jay, Alex?" Ellie bounded out of the bedroom in a pair of pajama pants and a tank top.

"Jay!" I snapped, kicking Jay under the table. Can I help it, though? He was practically drooling at Ellie.

"What!" Jay shot back defensively.

"Stop checking out, Ellie." There, that'll embarrass him.

Jay reddened, "I was _not_ checking out _her_. I was looking at..."

Ellie rolled her eyes and grabbed a sweatshirt hanging off the back of the couch. "Sorry to disappoint, Jay, but I'm putting this on now."

All three of us laughed at the face Jay was making. "Oh, lighten up!" I squeezed his knee and gave him a charming smile. "But from now on, you only look at me like that."

Jay grinned and raised his eyebrows. "Deal, babe."

"So," I grinned impishly at Ellie. "I'm guessing things are going okay with Sean?"

Ellie gave me a relieved look and drew her knees up to her chest on the couch, looking towards Sean and Jay who were outside on the balcony trying to do something with a firecracker. "Yeah. Things are... _good_."

"Ha! Okay, dish, what's it like with him?"

"Um, what do you mean?"

"The sex! Come on, us experienced women gotta talk about this shit!" I rested my head on my hand and shrugged a shoulder. "Like, how big?"

Ellie threw back her head and laughed. "I don't know! Like this?" She held her hands a part.

"Damn! Yeah, Jay's pretty well hung himself. Oh, god, now here's the _real_ question: how long does it take before he's totally lost it? Because Jay, I swear, can only last a few minutes."

Ellie smiled. "_Well_, it usually depends. I won't bore you with details, but sometimes we'll just get into this mood and make it last for hours. It's awesome."

"I worship you. You guys are so cute together it makes my physically _sick_," I teased.

Ellie gave me an offended look, but then laughed. We were still laughing when Sean and Jay walked in through the sliding door.

"What's so funny?" Jay asked.

Ellie and I look at each other and tried to sustain our giggles. "Oh... nothing..." my voice trailed off and Sean gave us a weird look.

Ellie stood up from the couch. "How was the firecracker?"

"Stupid thing didn't work," Sean mumbled.

"We're going to go and buy more," Jay piped in. "Wanna come?"

I nodded and stood up from the couch. "Okay, you coming, Ellie?"

Ellie shook her head and stretched her legs out on the couch. "I think I'll just stay here."

Sean gave us a sidelong glance and took his coat off. "I'm staying, too."

"You don't have to, Sean."

"No, El, I want to."

A few seconds later, they were too busy making puppy dog eyes at each other and playing kissy-face to even notice Jay and I slip out the door. We started down the steps outside, and I shivered at the frigid air. "Cold?" Jay wrapped an arm around me and pulled me closer to him.

I couldn't help but smile. "Yeah... Do you think they're going to stay together?"

"Who? Sean and Ellie?"

"Yeah."

"Those two wouldn't last a second without each other. Can you imagine?"

"Yeah, they'd both be driving someone _else_ nuts."

Jay laughed huskily and spun me towards him. "Come here," he muttered and crushed my lips with his.

He pulled away a few minutes later. "Wow!" I breathed. "What was that for?"

He shrugged and gave me a lopsided grin. "I don't know. Maybe because I think you're the shit."

"Nice, Jay. You have _such_ a way with words."

"I do what I can. Did you expect me to tell you that I think you're the beautifulest girl in the world? And I think you're strong and exciting and... yeah..." he looked away, his cheeks starting to flush.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed his hand. "Come here, you big oaf. By the way, it's _most beautiful_."

**Craig**

"Ellie?" I looked at the redhead sitting in a chair in front of me. What was she doing in

the waiting room?

"Craig."

"Why weren't you in school? Why are you here?"

She sighed and put down the magazine she had been reading. "Ashley hasn't told you yet?"

"Tell me what?"

"That's a shock... She loves telling everyone my personal business."

"Don't get on her about it, okay? Whatever she did, I'm sure she didn't mean it!" I retorted back on the brink of anger.

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Watch it, Craigy. You wouldn't want to go all bi-polar on me or anything..."

"Oh, why don't you go stick your finger down your throat?" I grabbed a magazine and flounced down in a seat across from her. Seriously, her whole attitude is starting to piss me off. What happened to the cool Ellie Nash?

"What did you say?" she whispered.

I looked over my magazine and gave her a sharp look. "I _said_, go stick your finger down your throat. You're such a pro at it."

She let out a bitter laugh and hugged her sweatshirt closer to her body. "I guess it is my area of expertise..."

"What?" I'm shocked. Really. Did she just... admit to it?

"That's why I'm here. Because I... well, I..."

"I know."

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"Not making me say it. I hate saying it out loud."

"I don't imagine why," I replied sarcastically. "So that's why you're here? Who you seeing?"

"Dr. Brahm."

"I'm here to see Dr. Griggs. She's pretty hot." I smiled at the thought of her short blonde hair and long, long legs. "Yeah... really sexy."

"You're talking to a girl over here, Craig."

"I thought is was 'Craigy'?" I gave her my most irresistible smile and she turned away, but not before I saw the smile spreading across her lips.

"Doesn't it hurt the baby?"

Ellie looked back at me. "Does what hurt the baby?"

"Throwing up, not eating, whatever it is you do."

"Yeah, that's why I'm not doing it anymore..." She looked so embarrassed.

I shrugged. "You don't have to feel awkward talking to me about it. I have my own share of problems. I can't judge you. But, I also find it unrealistic that you think you can just stop. I didn't think it was that easy."

"It's not... I'm just... being hopeful. I'm hoping it doesn't have that big of a hold on me yet."

"I'm about 99.9 sure it does. These things are powerful."

"Wow, Dr. Manning. What's your next diagnosis?"

"You're not mad I just said that?" I couldn't believe she was still joking around with me.

She jumped out of her seat and took the one right next to me. "Listen, I'm not going to bite your head off for stating the obvious. I think- I think I might have been screaming for someone to help me. You know? I don't want to be treated with kid gloves. I want everyone to be tough. That's the only way I'll get through this. At least you're honest."

I took one of her hands and squeezed it. "Thanks. But seriously, it's not going to be easy. This probably sounds really stupid coming from me because I'm a guy and everything and I've never cared about my weight, but... I can almost imagine what you're going through. I mean, there's something wrong with me, too, that I can't necessarily just shut off automatically. It takes time. But, I think, if we help each other, we can do this. You can always come to me if you need to. Even if it's just to tell me that you ate breakfast or that you gave in and threw up or skipped a meal. Seriously, I want you to come talk to me."

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"You know how I feel about you, Nash. I know there will never be anything romantic between us, but you'll always have a special place in my heart. And you're Ashley's best friend. And I like to think I know more about you than a lot of other people. Believe me, I've observed you."

"And I care about you, too... You're not as bad as I thought."

"Gee, thanks."

"Your welcome!"

I squeezed her hand again. "Even though it probably means nothing, I think you are the most gorgeous girl in the world."

**hope you enjoyed it. I put a little Craig in there for those who wanted it! I thought it was a nice, fluffy chapter, nothing too serious going on except that Ellie and Craig have therapists in the same building. Next chapter Ellie will have her meeting with her therapist. Ummm... Sean and her will probably do a little shopping for baby, talk about baby names, junk like that. Okay, question: how far along do you guys htink Ellie is? I have no idea... and i'm just too lazy to look back and guess. I don't know... we'll see. **


	15. Am I Ready?

**Chapter 15: Am I Ready?**

**Ellie**

"Ellie? Is there anything particular you want to talk about?" Dr. Brahm set down her notebook and pen, putting me at a little more ease. At least I didn't feel like she was going to record every detail I mentioned.

I shrugged and looked out of the window to my right. "I don't know..." I responded quietly.

She gave a little laugh and my head snapped towards hers. What did she just laugh about it? Did I say something funny? She shook her light brown curls in amusement and crossed her legs, leaning towards me. "Don't be so nervous, hun."

_Oh God. _She's a Paige clone. Just my luck! Like super! I gave her a little sneer and turned my attention back to the window.

"I'm your friend, Ellie. I can-..."

"You're my _friend_? How can you be my friend? You just met me!" I choked out. I did not want to be here. In the waiting room, I kept telling myself it wouldn't be bad- that I could do it. All I had to do was tell her my story, just like I told Sean and Marco. That's it. I should have known that, as soon as I entered her office, I would chicken out.

She didn't get mad or upset. She just nodded in agreement and leaned back in her chair. "I know, I'm just some stupid therapist. Psychologist. Whatever you want to call me. But, seriously, Ellie, I've been in your situation before. I wasn't always so happy or in control of my life. Sometimes I still feel as if I'm out of control, but I know how to help myself. I know I shouldn't take it out on myself."

"I'm not taking anything out on myself."

"You're taking it out on your baby?"

My mouth fell open in shock. "How _dare_ you say that!"

I swallowed hard and stared at my two hands in my lap. They looked foreign to me. She was right... I was taking it out on myself... and my baby. But why? Why do I feel as if I need to punish myself constantly? It doesn't make any sense.

She shook her head slowly. "You're right. That was completely out of line. I apologize. So, how is the baby? Are you excited?" She gave me a big smile and I saw her rows of straight, white teeth.

"Yeah, we're really excited." I smiled at the thought of Sean painting the nursery. He's being such a sweetheart.

"I gather you're still together with the father?"

"Yeah. He's great."

"That's swell! Any baby names yet?"

I played with the bracelets around my wrist, racking my brain to any mention of baby names... "No, I don't think we've even thought about that yet..."

"Well, it's early. You have plenty of time," Dr. Brahm reached over onto her desk and grabbed a book off of it. "But, just to give you a little inspiration- I got you this."

She handed me a book of baby names. I looked at the baby pictures on the cover and smiled just thinking about holding one of my own in a few months. Is there really anything better than being a mother? I mean, just _thinking_ about creating something so... innocent. It's amazing. Nobody ever imagined I'd be the kind of girl who'd get all giddy about weddings and babies and other stuff like that. But, how can I help being this way?

"Thanks. Truly."

I stared into Dr. Brahm's warm brown eyes. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. She didn't seem too bad.

"No problem, Ellie. How about you just go through that the rest of our session? I'll just catch up on a little of my own reading, and we can just enjoy being in each other's company, not having anything else to worry about at the moment, at peace."

I had to keep myself from giving her a weird look. What is she talking about? Oh well. I started thumbing in the book, looking at different names that I always liked.

"Could I have a piece of paper? I want to write some of these down."

Dr. Brahm looked up with a smile and tore a piece of paper out of her notebook. "Sure! Finding some good ones?"

"Yeah... Listen to this: Brayden Lee. Brayden means 'hillside' and Lee means 'meadow'."

"It's beautiful."

"Brayden was the name of an old boyfriend of mine."

"Oh?"

"He... died..." It still hurt to get the words out.

"Oh." Dr. Brahm's smile dropped and she walked over to the chair next to mine and took a seat. "Anything you want to talk about?"

I smiled sadly and lifted a shoulder. "I don't know... I feel so stupid still getting all worked up about it. It happened awhile ago. Still... I really loved him. We were going to get married."

"You're only sixteen!"

"I know... I was in the sixth grade when I first met him. He was older. We didn't start dating until the end of seventh grade, though. I think it was one of those rash decisions people make in the moment. Still, we would have been great. I can't even imagine where I would have been without him..."

I felt her hand on my arm. "It's always nice to have someone who cares enough about you to help you. I'm sorry you lost someone as special as him."

Normally I would have been upset that someone dared to act like they knew what I went through. As if they knew him and knew every one of his smiles and what it meant when we'd _look_ at you that way. Normally I would have shot back with some smart-ass remark. But I didn't with her. I could tell she was just trying to help me. She wasn't trying to act like she knew him. She just wanted me to know that she was sorry it happened.

I tried to give a smile, but it came off as weak. "Thanks," I managed to spit out. I couldn't talk about it anymore. If I did, I'd cry.

She patted my arm and tucked a loose strand of hair back behind my ear. "So, tell me about the father of the baby."

"He's... he's really fascinating. Seriously. Sometimes I think I know everything about him, and then he'll completely surprise me... It's always nice to have that. To have someone you keep learning about as you go on."

"I agree. It's always nice to be surprised pleasantly," Dr. Brahm looked at her watch and gave me a regretful smile. "Well, it's time to go. I'll see you again?"

I looked down at the baby book and back up at her. "Yeah, I'll see you Thursday."

**Sean**

I jumped from the computer chair as soon as I heard the door open. "How was it? Is she nice? Do you like her?" I bombarded Ellie with all the questions that had been racing through my head the entire time she was at her counseling session.

She laughed and put her hands on my chest, pushing me back. "Relax! She's... okay," she admitted grudgingly.

"Ah ha! Not as bad as you thought it was going to be!" I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her on the top of her head. "Don't you love it when you're... dare I say it?... wrong?"

"Oh, shut up!" she retorted, slapping my butt playfully.

I raised my eyes and pulled her even closer. "So, I _really_ missed you... so did our bed."

"Especially since I was gone for about two hours!"

"I _know_. It was hell. Just plain hell. So, if you want to make it up to me, don't let me stop you..."

* * *

I sucked on Ellie's neck playfully, nipping at it here and there. She giggled breathlessly and squirmed a little underneath me. "That was-..." 

"Amazing?" I finished.

"I was going to say-..."

"Orgasmic?"

"Yes, but also-..."

"Fabulous?"

"Sean!" she whined. "I was going to say: it was... it was..." she gave me a blank look and I laughed.

"It's okay. I always draw a blank. It's what's so charming about me," I nuzzled her neck before rolling over onto my back. Ellie inched closer to me and I wrapped my arms around her. "When's your next appointment."

"Thursday," her voice was muffled against my chest.

"That's good. You get tomorrow off. Did you want to go shopping for the baby?" I glanced down at her as her head shot up, eyes gleaming and a smile across her face.

"Shopping? _You_ want to go shopping? Where is my boyfriend?"

"Oh, here's still here. He's just blinded by your good looks and charm. But, he's definitely still here."

I gave her my best brooding look and she shivered beneath my gaze. "I _love_ that look."

"Oh, really?" I cocked an eyebrow and she bit her lip seductively.

"Come here, you stupid oaf..." she pulled me back to her, practically bruising my lips with the force she was kissing me with.

"Mmmm," I moaned into her mouth "You're... wild tonight," I whispered when she pulled back tonight.

She laughed huskily and put a finger to my lips. "Hold that thought, I'll be right back."

She stood up, taking the sheets with her, and I half-heartedly pulled a blanket up over me. I stretched my arms above me and folded them behind my head. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am that I asked Ellie to move in with me. I get to be with her all night. I'm especially happy on nights like this one where she gets crazy.

I opened my eyes when I felt her hop back onto the bed. I looked over at her lazily and grinned when I saw the way the sheet was haphazardly covering her. Then I noticed the gleaming metal and my eyes widened. She had handcuffs. She blushed and crawled on her stomach closer to me. "I bought these on a whim the other week. We were supposed to use them on my birthday, but we never got that far."

A big stupid grin spread across my face and I held out a hand. "Go ahead, officer."

She let out a peal of laughter and slapped the cuffs onto one of my wrists. "Now, you've been a _very_ bad boy. I'm going to have to haul you off to jail."

"Aren't you supposed to frisk me first?"

Ellie sucked on her cheek, trying to hold back a smile, but she couldn't help it. She quickly put a serious expression back on her face. "I make the rules around you. But, yes, I'll have to do a full body search. So, stay still and let me do my job."

"Make sure you do a _good_ job. Nothing half-ass."

"Don't talk to me like that!" She pointed her free hand in my face and pinched my cheek roughly.

The rest of the time was spent in silence as we explored each other's bodies. Ellie took her time on my shoulder, and I sucked just below her neck. After we were finished, Ellie rested a cheek on her hand and stared at my face. "I love you," she murmured.

"I love you, too," the words felt so _right_ coming out of my mouth. Who knew love could be this easy? Everyone always said it was _hard_. Yeah, there are the hard parts- like seeing Ellie put herself through hell or having to prepare for a baby, but it's so easy to love her. It doesn't take a special moment for me to realize how much I do. I can just be watching her sleep or watching her brush her teeth. She can be cuddling with one of the kittens, and I'm lost right there. I don't know. Maybe this isn't your average kind of love. Maybe this is unconditional and fast and prone to failure, but I can't imagine being with anyone else but her.

"I need a drink," Ellie whispered suddenly and tried to get up from the bed. "Hey!" she laughed as I pulled her back with the handcuffs. She fell back on top of me and I kissed her cheek sloppily. "Sean! I'm thirsty!"

"Oh fine!" I responded gruff. I scooted over on the bed so she could reach the key on the dresser.

"Sean, you need to move over more. Stop making this hard," she glared back at me.

I gave her a nasty face. "_Okay_." I sounded like a whiny brat, but oh well. She rolled her eyes at me and reached even further, just barely grabbing the key. Feeling spiteful because of her tone, I pulled back suddenly, causing her to crash back into me.

I stopped laughing when she looked at me. "What?" I asked innocently.

She just stared at me with that "oh shit" face on. "What?" I repeated.

"I dropped the key..."

"Then pick it up."

"No, it's not on the floor."

"Where is it?" I raised myself up on my elbows and looked on the floor at her feet. Her toes wiggled and I grinned at her painted toe-nails.

She pointed towards the register with a shaky finger. "There..."

"You've got to be kidding me. It went down the register? Can you see it?"

"_No_, I can't! It's all your fault. It you hadn't been goofing off..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blame it all on me. You're the one who brought the handcuffs into the bed."

"You were all about it five seconds ago."

"Five seconds ago the key was safely on the table and not in the register."

"And whose fault is that?" Ellie turned to look at me and raised her eyebrow in such an agitating way that I groaned out loud before throwing my face into my pillow.

"So, what are we going to do?" I muttered. Ellie fell back onto the bed next to me and looked me in the eye.

Her tone grew serious. "There's only one thing we can do, Sean. I have to call Marco."

"Marco? Why? I don't want him to see me naked!" I grabbed the blankets and wrapped them around my naked body.

Ellie rolled her eyes and reached over for her cell phone on the bed stand. "Marco would _never_ check you out."

"Oh yeah? And why not?"

"You're not his type," she quipped, punching at the keys on her phone.

I crossed my one free arm across my chest and buried the back of my head into my pillow. "This is the sort of thing you read about in magazines or see in the movies. The one time we decide to get a little crazy and have some fun, we get into _this_ mess. And now you're calling Marco. You're _gay_ friend. Who likes _boys_. Who will probably jump at the chance to come see me in the buff. _Or_ he'll decide that maybe he really does like girls and come and ogle you naked. Either way, I lose. I'm either violated or having my girlfriend be checked out by her best friend, who she used to be totally in love with." I couldn't stop babbling. I was talking absolute shit, but I couldn't stop.

"I'm going to pretend you're not talking because you're being incredibly annoying," Ellie whispered , covering the phone with the handcuffed hand. "Marco? Marco, you have _got_ to help me out. Listen, go to Gadner's and in the toy section there are a set of handcuffs..."

"You got the handcuffs at _Gadner's_? That place is so cheap, I'm surprised the handcuffs haven't broken apart by now. The stupid key probably didn't work in the first place."

"Shut up!" Ellie hissed. "No, not you, Marco. Sean's acting like a baby. Okay, buy the set of handcuffs and bring them to the apartment. We kind of... lost the key... Yeah, down the register. Embarrassing... So you'll do it? Marco, you are my savior. Love you, too. Buh bye."

Her voice got really quiet and cutesy as she practically baby-talked him off the phone. She closed the phone and glanced at me with big eyes.

"Goo goo, gah gah, Marco Warco?" my lip lifted up in a slight snarl. "Could you be anymore fascinated by the kid?"

"He's my _best friend_."

"I thought I was your best friend."

"Do we really have to have this talk? _Again_! He'll be here in like a half hour or something..."

"You know... that's just enough time to-..."

"Are you serious? You're still ready to go after what just happened?"

"Of course I am. I'm always horny with you. Be glad I'm able to bounce back this fast after just having a go..."

"Ugh. Okay, fine. But make it quick."

**Marco**

"Oh, love birds!" I sang out through the door. I knocked again and leaned against the doorway, waiting to see Ellie and Sean open the door in handcuffs. My little disposable camera was hanging out behind my back. There's no way I can let this go without a picture or two.

The door flew open and I walked into the doorway, peering behind the door to see Ellie and Sean wrapped in sheets. I quickly brought out my camera and snapped a few pictures of them trapped together.

"Marco!" Ellie reached out with a hand towards the camera, letting the sheet drop down a little.

"Hey!" Sean grabbed the sheet and quickly pulled it back up over Ellie, letting his own side of the sheet fall down.

He blushed as he grabbed for the sheet and wrapped it back around his body. I decided to make him even more uncomfortable and wiggled my eyebrows. "Wow, El. Now I know why you keep him around..."

"You're a sick bas-..."

"Relax, doll. I was kidding. I didn't see a thing. _Not a thing_."

Ellie put a hand over her mouth and shook with silent laughter at the redness of Sean's face. I couldn't tell if he was embarrassed or pissed off. I rolled my eyes and took the package of handcuffs out of the grocery bag. "Here you go. A new pair of feisty handcuffs for you to play around with. I'll get out the key for you. You two can't be trusted." I ripped open the package and inserted the little key into the handcuffs, twisting it to the left. The handcuffs popped open and fell to the floor.

"Better?" I cocked an eyebrow and grinned impishly at the couple in front of me.

Ellie ruffled my hair and pulled me into a one-armed hug. "Thanks, Marco!"

Sean grudgingly thanked me and headed off into the bedroom. "What's wrong with him?"

"Oh, you know men and their insecurities," Ellie breathed.

I shook my head. "Men? Insecurities? I know nothing about that."

Ellie pulled her sheet closer and laughed. "You're fabulous, Marco. I'm going to go get dressed. Stay right here. You can have dinner with us tonight."

"Sounds good."

* * *

"So," I took a sip of my coffee after eating Ellie's spaghetti- or what was _supposed_ to be spaghetti... It was actually a big pot of gluey noodles, but Sean and I still ate it happily. Just thinking about the sticky mess in my stomach made my stomach hurt, but she tried. She had munched on few apple slices at the dinner table. 

"So," Ellie repeated, stirring a spoon in her hot chocolate and coffee.

"How was your appointment today?" I peered over the top of my mug and gazed into her eyes.

She lowered her eyelids a little and looked into her cup. "Okay, I guess. She's not _too_ bad."

"That's good. Do you think you can see yourself talking to her about... things?" I didn't know yet how to form the word. I still can't fully believe that Ellie has been suffering from an eating disorder for so long.

Ellie shrugged and sat back on the couch. "It's going to be hard. I don't really enjoy telling strangers my personal stuff, but, it's necessary for the baby."

"You're right. It is. I can't wait until you have the baby, Ellie." I reached over and rubbed her little tummy with my fingers lightly. "It's going to be so fun to have a baby to shop for and play with."

"You'll be the godfather, won't you, Marco?" She grabbed my hand and entwined it with her little fingers.

"Of course!" I leaned over and gave her a soft kiss on the forehead. "But now I have to go home before my mom think you've kidnapped me. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye Sean."

"Bye," Sean grunted from the computer. I threw him a wink and he almost fell out of his chair. Silly.

**Sean**

"Does that feel better?" I placed a pillow behind Ellie's back and she nodded absent-mindedly. So much for being thankful...

"Listen to this, Sean!" She reached out and took a hold of the hem of my shirt, pulling me closer. "Today your baby has gained probably a quarter of a pound since last week. He's almost a foot long and is growing more baby fat every day. The brain is growing rapidly and taste buds are developing. Mommy's skin might feel more itchy and dry. Make sure to moisturize every day. Most women have a glucose screening test at this stage in the pregnancy. This helps detects gestational diabetes which can make your baby grow overly fat and cause the need for a cesarean section! Sean! I haven't had that test! I don't want to have a c-section!"

Ellie's eyes grew wide and she gave me a scared look. I grabbed the book from her and read over the paragraph. "What crap are you reading? This isn't true! Believe me, Ellie. This book is lying."

"Sean, the _doctor_ gave it to me. I think it's for real," Ellie pouted and grabbed the book back from me. "He never told me about this test. Why didn't he tell me about this test? Shouldn't this be important?"

"I'm sure he's going to schedule one for you. Don't worry. You are going to be fine!" I took a hold of her hand and squeezed it affectionately.

"Yeah, I'm sure he will. Sorry, I'm just a little high-strung lately... With the pregnancy, starting therapy, school, _everything_, my life is so hectic right now. I'm surprised I haven't lost it by now."

I kissed her temple and started massaging her palms. "You've been real good. Speaking of baby, have you thought of any names yet? Jay has got it into his head that we're naming it after him. Even if it's a girl."

"Oh yeah?" Ellie laughed. "And what would the girl version of his name be?"

"Jayde..."

"Oh God. He's really full of himself, isn't he?"

"Yeah. But, uh, he seems to think we're actually going to name the kid after him. I don't know how he got that into his head."

"Well, we're not. Sean, I have the perfect name for the baby!"

I kissed her fingers and held them against my cheek. "Oh, really? And what's the name?"

Ellie sat up and clasped her hands in her lap. "Okay, so, I was thinking of names I've always liked. And, you know, you should give your kids names you love, names that mean something to you. And I kept coming back to the same name... Brayden."

"Brayden," I repeated.

"Yeah, okay, I know you probably totally hate the idea, but just hear me out. Brayden Lee. Sean, could it be any more perfect? And, you know, I've always said I'd honor Brayden's memory somehow. This is the best way. Really."

"Brayden."

"Yeah, listen, it'll grow on you. Believe me."

"And if it's a girl?"

"Brynn. Brynn Leigh."

"Brayden, Brynn. Brayden Lee. Brynn Leigh. Ellie, I-..."

"Hate it. I know. But it's really important to me. I know, I know. It's selfish to ask you to do something like this just to please me, but, Sean, if you only knew how important it is to me."

I clamped a hand over her mouth. "Ellie! Shh! I like it. I love it. I think it's perfect."

"You really like it?" she put her hands on both sides of my face and pulled me closer to her.

"Yeah, I do. I think it's perfect."

"Sean-..." she breathed softly.

"And I think it's amazing that you want to name our baby after your-... after Brayden. _You_ are amazing," I whispered, pushing my lips softly against hers.

"You are, too."

**Okay, so they picked out names. Yay! And Marco's going to be the godfather! Yay! Next chapter- another appointment with Dr. Brahm and, uh, who knows what else. Suggestiosn and reviews always welcome! Thanks for reading!**


	16. Lets Me In

**Chapter 16: Lets Me In**

**Ellie**

"Ellie, good to see you. Have a seat!" Dr. Brahm gestured towards the same armchair I had been sitting in during my last session. She was busy sorting through her desk drawers and finally her head popped back up, curls bouncing. "Gum?" she held out a stick of gum.

I shrugged and took a piece.

"So... how you been?"

I started to shrug again, but she lifted an eyebrow. She was expecting me to actually say something. "Fine," I pushed out. "Just school mostly..."

"School's okay?"

I nodded.

"Good. What sort of things are you learning about in school? Do you have any homework tonight?"

What does this have to do with fixing me? "Well, I have to read a few chapters in a book for English, I have to write a page response for English on what I read-..."

"What are you reading?" she poured a glass of ice water and offered it to me. I took it gladly. My throat was starting to get dry.

"East of Eden."

"Ooh, Steinback. That's cool. You like the book so far?"

There she went. She was getting that stupid notebook out. Does she seriously have to record what I say down? Can't she just remember it? And what am I even saying anyway that has any significance? I'm talking about school. "Yeah, I really like it so far."

There, that's all I'm offering. Take it or leave it.

"That's good. Have you seen your parents lately?"

I swallowed hard. I knew sooner or later the topic of my parents would come up. It's not like I want to rat them out and make them out to be horrible people. I don't really find joy in that. "They've been my parents."

There. That's all I'd offer.

"Okay. Who are your parents?"

How was I supposed to answer this? "Well, Dr. Brahm. You see, when two people love each other very much-..."

"Haha. Sass. I like it. Okay, well, did you want to talk about anything?"

I shook my head.

"At all?"

God, she sounded desperate. She shouldn't have chosen a profession where the power was totally in the patient's hands. It doesn't fit her well.

"Okay then. Well, I thought we could do some art therapy today."

"Art therapy?" I repeated. Is she serious? How is _that_ supposed to help me?

She just smiled and reached into a drawer in her desk. Next thing I knew, a pile of coloring books were being placed on the coffee table in front of me. Next she tossed a package of crayons.

I've always been obsessed with Crayons. I had to have the biggest and best box with all the new colors. There's just something about them- I don't know. It sounds stupid... I would make sure the crayons were in their correct spots, I had every name memorized, I was the Crayola master. How things change. I stopped using my crayons when I didn't win the contest. You were supposed to send in your ideas of the names of the new crayons. I remember there was this orange color- I named it Sunrise. I was so excited. I knew it'd be used because it was short and simple and just... perfect. I mailed off my envelope with my suggestion and waited for the release of the titles. The day the new box of crayons came out, my dad camped out in front of a drug store to buy them.

I didn't win.

They named the crayon Macaroni-&-Cheese.

I was so upset. Who names a crayon after a food? It was too long anyways. Sunset is so much simpler and sometimes it's the simpler things that are better. I locked myself in my room and it took all of my parents convincing to get me out of there. I was embarrassed. I had told everyone I was going to win. I'd never been wrong before in my life.

That night I broke all my crayons. Each time I snapped one, it was like my heart was breaking. I don't know why. I was just so attached to those things. They never disappointed me- red would always be red. Blue would always be blue. There are some things that stay. I had to save my red crayon for last. I tried to break it, I was ready to, but I couldn't. Instead, I kept it in my jewelry box. It's still there.

I went to town on a picture of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. I was never one of those kids that colored the pictures whatever color they wanted to. I always had to get it right. Bugs Bunny was always grey, Daffy- he's black.

An hour, I glanced up to see Dr. Brahm sneaking a look at her watch. She had finished her picture of Porky Pig over a half hour ago.

"Sorry," I put the final touch on my picture and put the crayons away.

"No, it's fine. It looks great!" she gave me a sincere smile and picked up my picture. "How about I hang these on the wall?"

"Cool."

She stayed standing. "So, how do you feel?" she crossed her arms expectantly.

I thought about it for a second. "Relaxed," I admitted surprised.

Her smile grew bigger. "That's great. Ellie, I'm not the enemy here. I'm here for you. I want to help you, I want to be your friend, I want to be like your older sister. I want us to be close. I'll respect you as long as you respect me and my job. Deal?"

"Deal." We shook on it.

"Ellie, I'm going to help you. It'll be hard, but I'll do whatever I can. Have you eaten anything today?"

I bowed my head and looked at my feet. "Can we not talk about that right now?" I felt so ashamed. I had tried to eat a granola bar for lunch that day, but couldn't. I felt as if I was going to suffocate every time I brought it up to my mouth. I can still see the pained expression on Sean's face as he pretended not to be watching me.

"I would really like for your parents could come to your next session. There are some things I'd like to talk to them about- tips, ideas, methods to help you. Can they make it?"

"No," I blurted. "They can't. They work. They're really busy."

"I'm sure if you explained to them that it's for you, they'd come. Ellie, this is for your own good. This is for your _life_. And your baby's."

"I know! Okay, I know! But, my parents? Come on..."

Dr. Brahm sighed and ran a manicured hand through her curls. "Ellie, I need to speak with someone who lives with you. We need to discuss your diet and-..."

"I don't live with my parents. I live with Sean. Can Sean come?" I'd rather have Sean there. _Much_ rather. My parents being at my session would just drive me crazy.

She seemed hesitant. "I-I guess... Sure, he can sit in. Will you please ask your parents, though? It'd be so much better if they could come."

"Listen, I have to go, Dr. Brahm. Good session."

Now I sound like the therapist.

**Sean**

I pushed away from the wall when I saw Ellie step out of the building. She looked much better than earlier. I kissed her on the cheek. "How'd it go?"

"It was fine. We colored."

"Your paying her to color with you? I'd color with you."

"_Sean._"

"I would," I insisted. I took a hold of her hand and brought it to my lips. "So, what's coloring supposed to do?"

"Be therapeutic. Relax me."

"Did it?"

She nodded and gave me a real smile. "Yeah, it did."

* * *

"Come on, man!" I drummed my fingers against the console impatiently.

"Chill out! I'm going as fast as I can." Jay pressed harder on the gas pedal, and I flew forward a little.

"But don't kill me, please..."

"I don't understand why we're rushing around anyway. It's not like Ellie's going anywhere. She'll still be there when you get home."

"I know, but I don't want to leave her alone too long. I'm just anxious to get to her."

Jay let his head fall back into the seat and gave a sigh. "You act as if you're already married. It's pathetic."

"Shut up. There! A parking spot. Pull in," I barked orders and pushed my door open before Jay could even stop the car. "Okay, let's make this quick."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... I don't understand why you're getting her coloring books anyways..."

I rolled my eyes. "It's therapic... therapatic... therapactic..."

"Dude, it's pronounced therapytic. Even _I_ know that."

"Okay. It's therapytic. She told me she did it in her session today. I think it helped a lot."

"So, she's paying an assload of money to _color_?" Jay scoffed. "Can she pay me that? I'll gladly color with her."

I didn't bother responded to his comment. I was too busy looking at the little display of coloring books the grocery store had. _Looney Tunes, Barbie, Disney... What am I supposed to get her?_ "Which one?"

"Barbie. Definitely. She's hot."

"Not for you, idiot. For Ellie."

Jay shrugged and scratched his stomach. "Um, all of them? Maybe?"

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that's the best bet. They're not too expensive. Plus, Ellie might go through one really fast."

"Yeah, she's so messed up. She'll have to be coloring constantly to 'relax' her. I think that's a bunch of crap."

I flashed him a glare out of the corner of my eye as I began collecting one of each type of coloring book. In the end, she ended up with two Looney Tunes, four Disney, three Barbie, and a few of Strawberry Shortcake, Care Bears, and Famous Historical Figures.

"Should I get her crayons or colored pencils?"

"Both."

"You're right." I picked out a big box of crayons and the biggest pack of coloring pencils.

"Just get her the eight pack. It's cheaper."

I rolled my eyes and continued to place the boxes in the cart. "Ellie would be pissed if I just got her eight. She likes having a wide variety of colors."

"Just get her a wide variety of black."

"Very funny," I muttered. "Let's just go pay."

**Jay**

"Damn, wait up, man. Don't worry, she'll still be there." I hauled ass to keep up with

Sean, who was rushing as if the world was about to end. Sometimes I don't get that boy.

"Will you just leave me alone?"

"What are you talking about?" Seriously, what is his deal? He's been acting all pissed off all night.

"You! You're so annoying. I don't think you realize that I love Ellie more than anything, and I really don't care what you think about it. You can make fun of her all you want, you can bitch about her, but I still love her. Maybe you don't understand what it's like to be with someone like this!"

Okay, _now_ he was sounding all preachy. Who is he to say I've never experienced love before? I'm completely in love with Alex. "You better watch it, you psycho, before I really kick your ass. But you're right about one thing- I don't understand how you can be with someone as looney as she is."

"Ellie's not crazy."

"She is to me!" I tapped the side of my head. "She's messed up, up here. And look how she's changing you! She's making you out to be some pussy. You barely come out with me with anymore-..."

"_I have to take care of her!"_ he growled at me.

"You're sixteen, Sean. You shouldn't have to take care of her all the time. You're supposed to party and do stupid shit and get bad grades. Not be a father."

"You can't stand the fact that I'm trying to be responsible for once. It's something you can never be."

"If responsible means I have to take care of some bitchy, pregnant girlfriend- then you can fucking have it! Tell her to friggin' eat and get it over with!"

"It's not that easy, man. You don't understand..." Sean shook his head and started his way to the car again.

"Man, I tried to. I really did. I just don't. She's stringing you along. She's just trying to get your attention. Leave her!"

Sean stopped walking and turned around. "Leave her?" I could barely hear him. His voice came out scratchy, "How could I leave her? I love her. I want to be with her. Hell, I might even want to marry her someday. Could you just leave Alex? Ellie's pregnant, I'm going to have a baby in a couple of months, and it's messed up that you're telling me to abandon her. What kind of man are you?"

I opened my mouth to respond but he just shook his head and kept on walking.

"Where you going?" I yelled out. "My car's over there!"

"I'm taking the bus. Bye."

The bus?

**Ellie**

"Thanks!" I wrapped Sean in a hug and stood up on my tiptoes to kiss his chin. "Why don't you take your coat off, and we can sit and color or something?" I gazed up at him hopefully. It sucked having him be gone. All I could think about was how it was the perfect opportunity to sneak around and do bad things. I can't sneak around anymore

Sean pushed me away gently and shook his head, his eyes on something above my head. "I'm going to go out for awhile."

"Where?"

"I don't know. Maybe a walk or something. I'll be back soon, though. Okay?"

No, it's not okay. But I nodded briefly and gave him another kiss, this time on the mouth, and, this time, hoping to convince him to stay. "Bye," I said softly and squeezed his hand as he walked away.

I stood in the living room for a moment- trying to figure out what to do now. My backpack was on the couch next to me with only a few exercises in French to be done. Not bad at all considering the hell teachers have been putting us students through so far this week. I grabbed my French workbook and took a place at the coffee table.

Twenty minutes later I was finished with every exercise for that chapter. We were only supposed to do exercises 1-4. I'd done 1-24. "No wonder everyone thinks you're an over-achiever!" I muttered to myself.

A knock sounded on the door. Who could _that_ be? It wasn't Sean... and Jay just walks in without knocking. Maybe it's Alex or Marco. I jumped up and jogged over to the door, excited to see who my visitor is.

"Jay?" I stood back and let him in. He hovered in the doorway, instead. "What's up?" I gave him a suspicious look.

"Is Sean here?"

"No, he went on a walk. Did something happen?"

Jay looked away and then back at me. "Yeah, I pissed him off."

"Oh." Don't they _always _get each other pissed off. "What about this time?"

"You," he admitted embarrassed.

"Oh." What about me? What did he say? What did Sean say? Was it about...

"Sorry... I said some, uh, not so pretty things."

"I can imagine. So, what do you want?" I wasn't about to show any compassion for this jerk. He's always pulling stuff like this- pissing Sean off and then asking for favors. And now he was talking about me? What did I ever do to him?

"Listen, uh, I know this is stupid of me to ask- you know, since I pissed Sean off and now you're probably mad at me, but, I kind of don't have anywhere else to go." He held up the backpack he was holding in his hand.

Okay, what did that mean? "What do you mean?"

"My mom kicked me out. I can't stay with Lexxi because her mom can't stand me. I really don't have anywhere else-..."

"You can stay."

"What?"

Yeah, what? What had I just done? Sean was not going to be happy...

But I'm a pushover.

"You can sleep on the couch. There will be rules, however. Such as, no partying in the house-..."

"That's not fair! I always have parties here."

My eyes flashed with anger. "Listen, Jay, you're lucky I'm letting you stay here. I'm a pissed off, moody pregnant teenaged girl- my hormones are out of whack- my body aches- my stomach is growing bigger and bigger by the second- and I really can't stand it, okay? So you better watch it. You mess up once, you're out. You're getting _one chance_. No parties. Seriously, we're trying to get the place together and we don't need a bunch of drunk teenagers tearing it apart."

"Whatever..." he muttered, crossing his arms.

"Second, you do homework at the designated time."

"That's bullshit."

"It's responsible. So, you can join Sean and I for homework time. It usually starts at 6. Third, you're going to have to help out around here- that means helping with the cooking and cleaning. You got that?"

"Yes _master_," his voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Good."

"Fine!"

"So, are you going to join me in coloring or not?"

**Jay**

I wrenched the black crayon from Ellie's grasp and started filling in my Barbie's hair. She pouted but opted for a dark brown crayon. I watched her as she carefully filled in her own Barbie's hair. I needed that dark brown for the eyes. As soon as she lifted it up to look at her work so far, I stole it.

"Hey! I was still using that!"

"Tough," I shot back. "Barbie has to have brown eyes."

"There are plenty of other browns in the box, Jay."

"But Lexxi has _dark_ brown eyes. Like this." I held up my picture so far and showed Ellie how Barbie was starting to look like Alex.

She rolled her eyes but gave a little smile. "That's cute," she commented.

"I'm going to pin this up to my ceiling. Right above my bed." My voice trailed off. "Or what _was_ my bed..."

"Why'd they kick you out?"

I lifted an eyebrow. "You sure aren't subtle, are you?"

"Nah. Not when it comes to this. So, why?"

"Eh, you know... just acting out, I guess. My mom found some stuff in my room that she didn't appreciate. Especially since I have a younger brother."

"What kind of stuff?"

"You _know_ what kind of stuff..."

"Drugs!" Ellie stopped coloring and glanced up at me.

"Just a few joints," I corrected defensively.

"Still... drugs..."

I watched her as she took the dark brown crayon back from me and continued to color the hair. She didn't look up at me as she talked. "Don't bring that stuff in here, Jay."

"I won't."

"Jay, I _mean_ it."

She sounded almost scared. Like, if I did, it'd have huge consequences.

"Listen, it's not like I'm going to be living with you guys forever. Your kid isn't going to be wanting to hit a joint at the age of one month."

"God, I hope you aren't around for that long." I could tell she was joking. "I'm not worried about the baby."

"Oh," was all I could say. Who knew... Ellie Nash, princess of honesty and perfection and coolness, was... or had been... into _drugs_? The thought of it almost made me want to laugh. I couldn't imagine her toking it up. "When?"

"Before I came here."

She was lying.

"When?" I pressed again. We never looked up from our pictures as we talked. We never made eye contact.

"I stopped awhile ago. When I realized I was pregnant. I don't really feel like talking about it..."

I glanced up at her for the first time and saw the pained expression on her face as she colored in her picture. Normally, I would have teased her and said all sorts of shit to her, but, I don't know, tonight's different. "I won't tell Sean."

She gave me a grateful expression and looked back down at her paper, smiling. "So," she started after a few minutes of comfortable silence. "You really like Alex?"

"Of course I do."

"That's good. Cause if you hurt her, I'd kill you."

I chuckled, "Don't worry. Thanks for letting me stay here."

"No problem. Just don't be a hassle. Don't distract Sean. He's doing well."

I gave a frustrated sigh. "You know, Sean never used to be like this."

"Like what? Responsible, determined, happy? You're right. Sean's never done this well before. Sean's going places Jay. You could too."

"Oh really? And who's going to help me? You?" I teased.

Ellie looked up at me with doe eyes and set her crayon down. "I could."

"No thanks."

"Seriously, Jay."

"Nah."

"Jay..."

"El..."

She didn't pressure me after that. We sat in silence the rest of the time we colored, just enjoying our moments of relaxation. I finished my picture of Alex, Ellie finished her picture of a brunette, green-eyed Barbie. I pretended to break a crayon and she freaked out. It was almost sort of like having a friend... I don't think I've ever had a girl as a friend before. Alex is my girlfriend and Amy's always been... well... a ho. We're laughing and being civil to each other now, but what about when Sean comes home? Will it all change?

"Jay... I'll talk to Sean."

Ellie put a comforting hand on my shoulder and squeezed before heading off into her bedroom. Maybe she isn't so bad. She still changed Sean a little too much, but maybe she won't be the girlfriend from Hell once I get to know her. I mean, she seemed pretty cool tonight. Who knows, maybe we can even become serious friends.

I don't know. She surprises me. I bash her. I have nowhere else to go and no one else to turn to.

And she lets me in.

**so there it is. sorry it took me so long to update it. next chapter- who knows waht i'll have. hope you enjoyed it!**


	17. Surprises

**Chapter 17: Surprises**

**Sean**

I pulled my hat lower over my ears as I jogged towards the apartment building. I had done a lot of thinking. About Ellie, about Jay, about school, about my parents, Tracker... I really wish Tracker would come back and visit. Even tough guys like me need their big brothers once in awhile. I pounded up the steps and put the key into my doorknob. Maybe I should be quiet- Ellie might be asleep. My heart warmed at the thought of catching her as she's sleeping.

I didn't expect to catch _this_.

Jay was lounging around in _my_ armchair, a piece of pizza sitting on his knee, and the remote control in his greasy hands. What the hell was he doing in my apartment? Does Ellie even know he's here?

"Jay!" I barked.

He turned the TV off and stood up quickly, the pizza sliding onto the floor. I groaned and threw a roll of paper towels at him. "Pick it up!" I shouted.

Ellie came out of the bedroom in her pajamas. "Sean! Stop yelling!" she yelled at me.

"_You_ stop yelling!" I screamed right back.

She crossed her arms and gave me a look that dared me to say anything else. I shut my mouth quickly. "Sorry," I muttered. "But what is _he_ doing here? Do you have any idea what he said about you?"

"If you don't mind, I'd rather not here. Jay already told me about the fight. Can I talk to you alone?"

I wanted to punch Jay's lights out. I'm so pissed at him. He thinks he can insult my girlfriend and then _use_ her kindness a few hours later. What a jerk. Only he is capable of this. Ellie's soft hands closed around one of mine and she pulled me towards the bedroom. I gave Jay the evil eye the entire time.

"What?" I snapped, pushing my hair away from my face. I'm just so _frustrated_!

"Don't talk to me like that. Stop causing a scene."

"I don't get it! Seriously, what are you thinking? He needs to go home. I don't want him hanging out here."

"Hang out here? Sean, he's _living_ with us," Ellie threw her hands up and walked towards the closet.

"What?" I hissed.

"Yeah, you heard right. Jay's living with us. His mom kicked him out. He doesn't have anywhere else."

I laughed. I couldn't help it. It's just so totally unbelievable. Someone is making a huge mockery of my life. "Great, not only do I have to take care of _you_, I have to take care of that idiot, too."

Ellie turned around to face me, "Wow. I'm so sorry you have to 'take care of me'. Jeez, how about I move out like planned? Then, you know, you wouldn't have to waste your life looking after me."

She always does this. She turns my words on me all the time. "I never said..."

"Yeah, well you're acting like I'm such a huge burden to you. I'm sorry I'm pregnant and going to give birth in a few months. If I had known you felt so _stressed out_!" she screamed the last part at me, her voice not sounding like her own.

"Calm down, Ellie. Okay? Just calm down." I made the mistake of rolling my eyes as I turned away.

I felt a burning sensation on my cheek. I put a hand up to my face. "You just slapped me!"

"You deserve it! Stop acting like you have so much responsibility, Sean. For once, just for once, will you stop thinking about how hard life is on you? I really don't give a shit what Jay said about me. And I can't believe you'd try and start something between Jay and I by trying to tell me what he said! That's vindictive. Jay is in there- _homeless_- he needs us. I'm letting him stay. He's going to follow the rules. And _you_, you are going to get over whatever you have stuck up your ass. You think 'taking care of me' is hard enough? What are you going to do when we have a baby? Seriously, what the hell are you going to do?"

The only sound was her foot tapping against the floor, waiting for an answer.

I opened my mouth, but it took awhile to get words out. "I'm sorry. You're right. I'm being a jerk."

"And?"

"And I shouldn't act as if you ask so much of me."

"And?"

"And Jay can stay."

"And?"

"And I'll be nice to him. And I'll never say you're a burden again."

"And?"

"And?"

"Well, are you going to kiss me or not!" Ellie pouted and raised her face to mine.

I licked my lips, trying to keep the smile off of my face. It didn't work. "You're such a slave-driver," I whispered before I kissed her.

She laughed against my mouth and we kissed for awhile, my hands on either side of her, her hands on my elbows. I parted and noticed that the kiss had been a very wet one. She rubbed her lips together and gave me a drunken smile.

"Was that one of your pregnant temper tantrums?" I asked pressing her against the wall lightly.

"Mmm, _yes_," she laughed huskily.

"When are you pushing that thing out?"

**Jay**

I pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes as I waited for either Sean or Ellie to emerge

from the bedroom. What the hell were they doing in there? A look at the clock on the wall let me know that they had been "talking" for about twenty minutes now. Every now and then I'd hear Ellie's voice raise- she was obviously ripping into him. Hell, if I were Sean, I'd be scared. From what I hear, she can be pretty vicious. The time she beat up Amy springs to my mind...

I hope she can talk some sense into Sean. Seriously. Him and I are buddies, were bros. We get into fights, and we're fine the next day. That's how it is and how it'll always be. Why can't he be cool with that? It's not like I meant to piss him off or anything tonight. I'm just telling it how it is.

The bedroom door slammed open and Ellie and Sean walked out, hand in hand. Really, too cute for words. It almost made me gag. Sean stood in front of me and I gave him a hopeful expression. He shrugged and we did our little handshake, ending in a one man hug.

"Cool man?"

"Cool," Sean answered.

Ellie tugged on Sean's arm. "You should see what Jay and I did while you were gone."

Oh no. She is _not_ showing my picture to him. If word gets around that I colored with Ellie, my reputation is bust. I'll never be able to live it down. Never. Oh, but she did show him. She held up both of our pictures in front of Sean.

"Jay and I colored," she threw me a cheesy grin. She obviously knew I'd get teased for this.

Sean burst out laughing, falling to the floor. "You," he choked out, pointing a finger at me. "_You_ colored?"

"Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and laugh, funny man." I crossed my arms and glared at Ellie.

In return, she gave me a sweet smile, but it was totally sarcastic. She sidled up next to me as Sean had his little routine on the floor, hands pounding the hardwood floors and everything... "Don't ever talk about me again," she whispered to me out of the corner of her mouth.

I rolled my eyes and took the pinky she held out in mind. "Deal."

Sean finally found the energy to pick himself up off the floor. "Sorry man, but, uh, you coloring is the funniest thing I've ever heard of in my life. I can't even picture it."

"Well, I'm sure we can all sit down and see what it looks like later," Ellie smirked, jabbing me in the ribs.

"You guys are just too funny. God, I'm going to bed."

"Did you finish your homework?"

I glared at Ellie, but she didn't back down. Cursing under my breath, I brought my backpack over to the table and took out my homework.

So, this is what homework looks like.

Ellie pulled a chair up next to me. "Now Jay, this is called a worksheet. And the numbers on here are called math. You'd preferably use a pencil to do your math homework because I'm sure you'll be making lots of mistakes. Now, this part up here that says your name? You put your name there. That would be: J-a-y H-o-g-a-r-t. There, good."

"Will you shut the hell up?" I tried to use my arms to cover up my homework, but she managed to butt into my personal space.

"I'm just trying to help. What math is this? Geometry?"

"Algebra," I muttered. Great, now she's going to think I'm the stupidest person on earth.

She laughed, "You don't have to act all embarrassed about it. Believe me, I've already tutored Sean. Nothing you do will surprise me. _Nothing_," she shuddered.

"Hey!" Sean cried out from his mouthful of... donut?

"Donuts? Where are the donuts?"

Sean grinned and produced a package of donuts from his lap. "They're right here. At least Ellie is letting _some_ junk food in the house now.

Ellie turned to me and shook her head, "He's a riot. He always acts as if I'm the worst person in the world. You know, just because I'd like everyone to eat a little healthy..."

"Yeah, yeah. Save it for some other time Miss Candyland."

Ellie wrinkled her nose, "Miss Candyland?"

Even I was a little confused, but Sean looked pleased as punch at his joke. He kept laughing to himself- with a mouthful of donut. "Yeah, you knot Candyland? The game?"

"Yeah..." she was still unsure.

"And you- you're such an addict for candy? It's genius."

"_Yeeeah..._ genius," Ellie rolled her eyes at me, and I had to stifle a laugh. I don't want her thinking I'm enjoying her company just yet. I still have to show her who's boss. Me.

"Just so you know, Jay, Ellie's the boss around here. Don't even try to get anything past her. It's hopeless."

Ellie arched an eyebrow at me and pursed her lips slightly. If hers isn't the face of authority, I don't know whose is. I'm almost sad to say this, but the look on her face shares a striking resemblance to my mother's. Just what every bad boy wants- _two_ mothers.

**Ellie**

I put down the phone and rolled over in bed, landing on my back on top of Sean. I reached behind me and ran my fingers through his hair. "Sean?" I asked throatily. I was still in the process of fully getting up.

"Grrrmargh?" he groaned.

"What?" I laughed. "Wake up, sleepy head. We have a big day ahead of us. With my... _mother_."

Sean wrapped his arms tightly around my abdomen, "NOOO!"

"I'm sorry, but she's going shopping with us."

"Noooo!"

"I already said she could."

"Call her back and say, 'NOOOO!'."

"You're so mean to her."

"I learned it from _you_."

I sat up and moved to his side, running a hand up and down his stomach. "Pwease, Seanny. Be nice to my mommy?"

The baby voice always gets him to pay attention. Now the puppy dog eyes will seal the deal. I widened my eyes and pouted my mouth a little, letting it tremble slightly. If this didn't get him to agree, then nothing will.

"You are so," he searched for a word. "Impossible."

"Hey!"

"Undeniable."

"Better."

"Perfect."

"Well, I try," I stated modestly.

Sean smiled against his pillow and opened his eyes to finally look at me. I smiled down at him and played with his hair. "Did you have a good sleep?"

"Mmm. Yes."

"Any dreams?"

"Yeah, I one a race. I was driving this souped up-..."

"Yeah, I get it. You should be dreaming about babies and pink and blue, though," I kissed his temple. "Get up!"

Sean slowly rose to a sitting position. "I don't understand why we have to get up and go shopping at dawn."

"It's not dawn. It's 9. My mom is taking the day off to go shopping with us, so be grateful. It's a _beautiful_ Saturday morning." I got up out of bed and went to the small window in Sean's room. On tiptoes, I looked out and saw the sun shining. "The sun is out. The glass feels warm!"

"It's supposed to be really warm today. I'm naked."

"What?"

"I'm naked. In here. You should get back in."

I rolled my eyes and went over to the dresser. "I don't care if you're naked. I'm getting a shower and getting dressed." I didn't look at Sean, but I could just imagine the look of shock on his face. It's been two weeks since Jay moved in, and two weeks since Sean has gotten any.

Can I help it, though? I feel like a disgusting, fat slob. My feet hurt, my calves hurt, my back hurts. _Everything_ hurts. But soon, I'll have a beautiful baby in my arms. So, it's all worth it. I pattered to the bathroom, ready to feel the hot water on my skin.

"Jay!" I bellowed. I banged on the door.

"You'll have to wait!" he sang back at me.

That stupid jerk. He _knows_ I like to take showers at this time. I told him yesterday I'd need the shower at 9. Things haven't been so bad with him here, but they're definitely different. I have to take care of _three_ babies now: Sean, Jay, and the baby. It's almost too much for a girl in my state of mind to handle.

The door flew open and Jay emerged wrapped in a towel. "There, _princess_," he sneered. He shook his hair like a wet dog and splattered me with water drops.

"Ugh!" I punched him playfully in the shoulder and shut the door behind me before he retaliated.

"Sean! What are you doing?" I accused a few minutes later, entering the bedroom again.

Sean dropped my purse and tried to give me a guiltless expression. He failed. "Nothing!" he blurted out too quickly. "I was just looking for... gum."

"Uh huh..." I threw a piece of gum at him. "There. I'm taking care of the baby, Sean. You don't have to spy on me. All I have in here is a wallet, my keys, and some gum. No diet pills. Don't worry."

I can't believe he doesn't trust me yet. How am I supposed to get through this is my own boyfriend, and father of my baby, doesn't even trust me? I wouldn't let him live this down for awhile.

"I trust you, Els!" Sean wrapped his arms around me.

"No, you don't," I replied shortly. I unwrapped his arms from around me and sat in front of my small vanity. "Go take a shower before Jay decides he's going to take _another_ one just to piss us off."

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

"Hey, you wanted him here."

"And you can't stand having him here, right? He's just another video game buddy or someone else to gang up on me to buy junk food."

"We only tease you and bully you because we love you," Sean kissed my cheek sweetly.

I stopped running the comb through my hair. "Well... _I'm_ supposed to be your video game buddy. Don't you forget that!"

Sean kissed my again, turning my face so he could kiss my lips. It was long and lingering and completely romantic.

"You're forgiven," I sighed.

"Thanks. You're the best, babe."

"Don't I know it..."

* * *

"Oh damn! I forgot my credit cards," my mom blurted out suddenly at a stop sign. "Ellie? Do you have your credit card on you?"

I opened my purse on my lap and rummaged through it. "Yeah, I should..."

I found my little credit card holder and looked through it. "It's not here! I had it right here- in _this_ spot!"

Sean popped his head in between the seats. "You must have left it at home..."

Why did he sound so... ominous? I gave him a look. "I asked you if I had everything and you said I did. I _told_ you to remind me to make sure. You didn't. Of course. Mom, what are men good for?"

My mom adjusted her sunglasses and smiled cooly, "Money and sex, Ellie. That's about it."

"_Mom!_" I squealed. "_Please_ don't talk like you're some high-schooler... or off of Sex and the City. Because, you're _not._"

"Hey, I'm young. Don't forget- I popped you out at the ripe age of fifteen. I can act like Carrie or Miranda if I want to."

"Carrie? Miranda? _Fifteen_?" Sean was confused.

"Characters off of the show Sex and the City. And, yes, mom had me at fifteen."

"That's so _young_."

"Sean, dear, I'm sixteen. Don't forget that minor detail."

My mom stopped at another stop sign and turned to look at Sean, giving him a truly disapproving look. "You're lucky I was such a young mother and I'm so _understanding_. Otherwise, I would have had you buried alive. No one would ever have found you, believe me."

Sean sat back, his face completely white.

"She has connections," I explained. He sneered at me and I giggled. "Well, maybe we should just turn around and go back and get it. We obviously need a credit card."

"Yeah, we're only, what, twenty minutes away from your... _place_. Seriously, you two are going to have to look into a better apartment."

"Mom, this apartment is fine. You haven't even seen the inside in so long. The baby's room is almost finished. We just need to put the furniture and paint the baby blue or pink accents once the baby is born. Ugh, but don't mind Jay, he's Sean's friend and he's staying with us for awhile."

"Oh, and why's that?"

"He escaped from jail," Sean replied with a straight face.

My mom slammed on her breaks, "_WHAT!_"

I burst out laughing. "Mom, chill! He didn't escape from jail. He escaped from the psychiatric hospital."

"That's where I'm going to put _you_ if you don't stop joking around..."

Like you already haven't put me there, you witch! I had to refrain myself from shouting it. I've made good progress in therapy. Come on, Ellie. Breathe, Ellie. Breathe. You don't need to start fights with your mom. You two have gotten along great lately. Don't start a fight. Don't start a fight. Don't start a fight. I let out a sigh of relief when I realized I had succeeded in calming myself down.

"Too bad dad is in Tokyo. I wish he could have gone shopping with us," I rested my head against the window.

My mom's hand slipped onto mine and squeezed it affectionately. Tears sprung to my eyes at the contact. "He wishes he could be here with you, too."

"Um, mom, the apartment is _that_ way," I pointed towards the left. My mom had turned right.

"We'll just go get mine back at home. I left something else there anyway."

"Oh, okay."

**Marco**

"Shhhh! Everyone be quiet!"

"I'm sure she's already figured it out anyway."

"Will you _shut up_, Paige!"

"Ashley, you are being _such_ a control freak."

"I'm going to kill both of you if you don't shut the hell up!" I bellowed.

Paige and Ashley froze and looked at me. Yeah, that's right. I did just yell at you. So, there.

Ellie's dad placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. "Thanks for helping out with today, Marco. I was completely lost."

I grinned, "Yeah, well, tablecloths are my specialty."

"The place looks great."

"I helped out, too!" Paige piped up. She appeared at Mr. Nash's side and smiled sweetly at him. Ugh, _somebody_ has a crush.

Christian was right. The place does look great. We'd decided to decorate it as Ellie and Sean were decorating the nursery. Marroon and silver tablecloths covered all of the small tables and baby blue and pink ribbons had been tied on the chairs. A big table in the corner of the sun room was covered with presents for the baby and parents-to-be. Ellie's going to flip when she sees all the hard work we've put into it.

And her dad really surprised me. He really was getting into this. He'd called me up a few weeks ago and asked me to meet with him and Sean to plan the baby shower. He had to go on a trip to Tokyo soon so he wanted to have the shower a little sooner than we thought. We had met at a nice coffee house and had planned the entire thing in one sitting- with lots of coffees- Christian's treat.

We couldn't have asked for a better day. Ellie's dad had been adamant about grilling out. He wanted to make Ellie's favorite barbecue chicken. The sun is shining and there's a soft breeze in the air: perfect weather for a cookout. I scanned my eyes over the room and the deck outside. Everyone who was invited had shown up. Of course, Paige, Ashley, Spinner, Jimmy, Hazel, Jay, and Alex were here. But Emma and Manny had also showed up. They brought two of their other friends: Darcy and Nate. JT and Toby were here, too. They were also hanging out with Emma and them. Emma's mom and Snake were here, also, with baby Jack. Craig's dad, Caitlin, and Angie, my parents, a few of Ellie's aunts and uncles and their families from overseas, her grandparents, all the teachers from school, Ellie's therapist Dr. Brahm and her family, and a few other people, either from school or other acquaintances.

The best part, however, was that Sean's brother was here.

And his parents.

I heard Ellies' mom's voice suddenly.

"Everyone! Be quiet!" I whispered. Everyone fell silent and stood at attention.

Her voice grew closer. "Oh, Ellie, you should see the new furniture I got for the sun room. Come and take a look at it."

Their footsteps became louder. Closer.

"SURPRISE!"

**So next chapter will cover the baby shower. It's going to be interesting. I've been waiting a long time to incorporate Sean's parents into the story. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thanks for the reviews!**


	18. Interruptions from the Past

**Chapter 18: Interruptions from the Past**

**Ellie**

"What is this?" I bumped backwards into Sean and he steadied me with his hands. "What's going on?"

One minute I'm on my way to go buy baby furniture, and the next minute I'm being surprised by a room full of people. I scanned the room quickly and saw all of my teachers, Marco's parents, classmates, my relatives... Whoever had planned this had gone all out.

Marco stepped forward shyly, "It's your baby shower, Els. We thought we'd surprise you. It was your dad's idea."

My dad? My dad's here? I smiled when I saw my dad step forward and envelope me in a hug. I had been so upset that he had gone to Tokyo, and, now, to know that he isn't going... "Are you happy, sweetie?" My dad rested his cheek against the top of my head and ran his hand over my hair.

"Yes!" I grasped him tighter before letting go and stepping back to take everything in again. The sun room was decorated to look like the baby's nursery. Tables were set up everywhere, as well as out on the deck. Thank God I had decided to dress up a _little_ this morning. At first I was going to throw on a pair of pajama pants and a sweatshirt. I'm glad I managed to throw on a pair of nice jeans and a black shirt.

"Did you two know anything about this?" I looked back at my mom and Sean. They both had guilty smiles on their faces.

Sean pulled my credit card out of his pants pocket. "I thought you'd catch on when I went through your purse for this."

"You thief!" I snatched the card away from him and put it back into my purse, but kissed him quickly anyway. "Now I know I can never trust you."

I looked at my mom. "And I should have known _you_ would _never_ forget a credit card..."

My mom shrugged and put her hands up in a helpless gesture. "Lame, but effective."

I laughed and turned back around to face my party. "Thanks, you guys. Everything looks awesome."

After saying that, the room turned into chaos. All of my relatives flew forward to greet me and ask millions of questions about the baby- it's sex, what names we had picked out, if I was still getting sick, if it's kicked yet- all of the normal baby questions... Next, my teachers came forward and gave me hugs. I'm surprised they're all being so supportive. I figured there'd be a few who disapproved of my decision to have a baby at my age, but there aren't any- at least that I know of. Sure, my classmates are a different story- I still get strange looks from plenty of people, but do I care what they think? Sean and I are going to have a baby soon. None of them will matter when I have my own child. Someone to love me unconditionally.

"Okay, well, I'm going to fire up the grill! Other food is ready outside. We have potato salad, pasta salad, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, tator tot casserole, fresh fruit, corn, just about everything."

My dad is the perfect host. I laughed as he put on a chefs hat and apron. He's really getting into this whole baby thing. And to think, I was worried most about what he'd say when he found out.

"I'm just going to go put my purse in the kitchen," I kissed Sean on the cheek and headed down the short hallway towards the kitchen and dining room.

As soon as I entered the kitchen, I noticed him. It was Tracker. He was leaning against the refrigerator.

"Tracker? Does Sean know you're here?"

He stood up straighter and cleared his throat. "Nope. Thought I'd surprise him."

I opened my mouth to suggest he came back out with me, but something stopped me. Or should I say, _someone_.

"You must be Ellie."

I looked behind me and saw an older couple sitting at the kitchen table- looking completely out of place. The older woman was nervously patting her short, ash blonde hair, while the man stroked his chin. Have I seen them before? I feel like I know them.

"Can I help you?" I took a step towards them and grasped the back of a chair.

The woman spoke again. "We're Sean's parents."

I grasped the chair even tighter until my knuckled turned completely white. "Sean's parents?" I whispered back. They looked at each other and nodded. "Does he know? Does he have any idea that you're here?"

They shook their heads solemnly.

"Your dad called us. He said we should come up and spend the weekend with you guys."

The room started to spin in front of me. Sean's going to freak. He's going to throw a tantrum. It's going to ruin my baby shower. He's going to be _devastated_.

"Why don't you have a seat, Ellie?" Tracker put a hand on the small of my back and helped me sit down in the chair I had been strangling. He pulled a chair next to me and sat down himself.

So here we are. Sean's parents, Tracker, and me. Sean should be in here. He needs to know his parents are here. "Sean?" was all I could muster out.

Tracker nodded. "I should go get him. He'll be least surprised to see me."

I followed his form as he walked out of the room. He walks just like Sean. Or maybe Sean walks just like him. They both have that strong gait. Their shoulders move with them. I wonder if their dad walks the same way. I turned back to look into his parents' sad eyes. Should I feel bad for them? I guess I do in a way. It must be hell to not know what's going on in your son's life. To not know that he has a girlfriend and a child on the way.

"I'm glad to finally meet you," I reached my hand across the table and shook the hands of his mom and dad. Their hands were rough, but warm. Just like Sean's. A smile traveled across my face slowly.

"You're beautiful!" Sean's mother's eyes grew teary and she clasped onto my hand, not wanting to let go. "I can't believe I'm meeting my son's girlfriend. And that you're... You're about to have a baby! It's so much."

"I know. I can hardly believe it myself, Mrs. Cameron."

"Call me June. And you can call this old goat, here, Phil."

"June. Phil," I repeated, with a nod of my head. I wanted to be more polite, more engaging, but all I could think about was how Sean was going to freak when he saw them in here. Seriously, what will his first reaction be? Will he cry? Will he scream? Will he throw or break something? Option three seems the closest to what will actually happen.

I wouldn't blame him either. I mean, his parents sent him away. I know there must have been some sort of good explanation to it, because parents just don't give up on their kids like that. They just don't send their kids away. Maybe they felt like it was better for him. Maybe they didn't want him growing up in a setting with poor opportunities. Whatever the reason was, I think I can kind of understand what Sean feels like. I know my experience isn't as extreme, but I, too, felt abandoned by my parents when they sent me to that- that _hospital_. They just wanted what was best for me, except they didn't _know_ what was best for me.

"Is Ellie in here? Man, I can't believe you're _here_!"

I swallowed nervously when I heard Sean's voice nearing and his parents tensed visibly. I don't blame them. They know just as well as anyone about their son's short temper. Sure, it's gotten better these days, but seeing them would _definitely _set it off. Is it too much to ask for one peaceful day where I don't have to stress out about everything?

Well... I guess Sean is getting me ready for motherhood, in his own little way.

"What the-? Why are _you_ here?"

I closed my eyes tightly. If the Camerons know what's good for them, they won't say anything. They'll just let Sean spout off. They won't answer.

"Ellie's dad thought we should be here, son."

I could practically hear Sean seething behind me. I opened my eyes slowly, but still sat rigid in my chair. His footsteps were slowly coming closer. I could hear Tracker mumbling under his breath- something about staying cool.

"Who the hell does your dad think he is?"

Wait, was he talking to me? I turned my head and saw the glare Sean was giving me. Wait a second, why is he pissed off at me? I knew _nothing_ about this...

"What?" I cried.

"Your dad. He just has to go and get into everyone's business, doesn't he? What right does he have to invite my parents here? Who does he think he is? I'm going to go and give him a piece of my mind, that basta-..."

"_Shut up!_" I stood up so fast from the table that my chair turned over. "You have no right, no _right_, to _ever_ say anything bad about my father! If you ever say anything bad about him again, Sean, we're through!"

"He brought _them_ here!" Sean pointed a shaking finger at his parents.

"He _cares_ about you!" I grabbed a hold of his hand and held it in between us. "My dad cares about you. He didn't know any better. Don't be angry with him. He's trying."

Sean mulled it over in his head a bit. Finally, he agreed to not blame my dad. "Whatever..."

I threw a worried look at his parents. They still hadn't said anything to him.

"Sean?" his mom slowly stood up and made her way around the table.

"Stay away from me."

"Please, Sean!"

"Get away!"

"Sean!" I pinched his side and gave him a disapproving look. "Why don't you at least talk to your parents? We can all talk together."

"Can I talk to you alone?" He grabbed my wrist and drug me towards the laundry room. "Listen, I know what you're pulling here. You're going to try and sweet-talk me and try and make me forgive them. It's not going to work, okay? So, give up! I don't like them. I don't have to."

"They're your _parents_, Sean. They care about you-..."

"They sent me away!"

"Did you ever ask them why?"

"I don't have to."

"Okay, then why did they send you away?"

"Because."

"Because _why_, Sean?" When he didn't say anything, I gave him an irritated look. "See, this is what I don't get. How can you blame them, hate them, when you don't even know the full story? It doesn't make sense."

"You said some things don't make sense."

"Well, some things do."

"Not us."

"We're not talking about _us_. We're talking about your relationship with your parents. Why do you want to give that up?" I tried to place a comforting hand on his arm, but he smacked it away. Instead, he sought comfort in grabbing a nearby detergent bottle and thrusting it towards the wall.

"They never tried to call me!" Sean yelled in my face. I backed against the wall, scared at how red his face was getting. I've never seen him this out of control before. "You always complain about how your parents don't care about you- how they've 'abandoned' you. Do you know what it feels like for me to hear you say that? To see your big house and all of your possessions and to still hear you moan about how no one loves you? Do you know how hard that is for me?"

My lower lip trembled slightly. I'm not going to give in and cry. I am _not_ giving in and crying. "This isn't about me or my issues. This is about you. You and the fact that your parents are here and there are so many unanswered questions you have. And you're not doing anything about it."

"They never called; they never wrote; they never asked about me... They never tried to visit... What kind of parents are they?"

"Haven't you ever heard of a second chance?"

"I don't give second chances."

"You've given me plenty of second chances."

"But I love you."

**Sean**

I can't believe I just said that. Do I love my parents? Do I? I don't even know if I do. I guess, deep down, in some buried part of my heart, I must love them. Otherwise, I wouldn't care about whether or not they think about me or what they're doing or if they're still drinking. If I didn't love them, I wouldn't care.

"That's a horrible thing to say."

Ellie crossed her arms and shook her head slightly. She wouldn't even look at me.

"Listen, I'm trying to do the right thing here, El."

"By seeking revenge? Sean, think about the baby. Our baby wants _both_ set of grandparents. Don't deny our baby your parents just because you're angry with them."

She really knows how to get to me. She knows I'd do anything for this baby. And she's using it against me. Can I really just forgive them?

"How do you do it?" I slid down the washer until I reached the floor, bringing my knees up to my chest.

She kneeled down in front of me, wrapping her hands around my knees. "How do I do what?"

"Forgive? Forgive your parents so easily for... everything?"

"I remember they're my parents. And that they love each other. And that, although they may not always show it, they love me, too. I don't know, I guess I just keep hoping that the next time it'll get better. That one day I'll finally have all the assurance I need that my parents truly care about me. Until then, it's all a blind leap."

"I don't think I can do it."

She sucked on her bottom lip. "Well... that's what I'm here for. You _can_ do it. And I'll help you. Think of this, Sean- if your parents didn't care about you, then why did they come today? They could have easily stayed home. They didn't have to go through this. But they chose to."

I sighed heavily, "Then why did they send me away?"

"Where would you be if they hadn't?"

I thought it over in my head. Let's see, where would I be? "Probably in jail," I mused. Ellie gave me a look that clearly said it wasn't funny. "I'd probably be in some juvenile detention or something. Maybe I would have killed that kid."

The sad thing is I probably would have. I was so angry back then- always wanting, never having quite enough. And that stupid kid always stole my lunch money. He _always_ took it from me, and I was too much of a baby to fight him back for it. Then I became friends with those guys. I learned to stand up for myself- and I deafened him. If I had stayed in Wasaga, one of his friends would have surely started something with me. Then who knows where I'd be. I was already on my way into a gang.

I felt a pair of lips press against my cheek and I started. Ellie kissed away another tear as it fell. This is all too much for me- seeing my parents, possibly understanding why they did what they did, _growing up_. Where do I go now? Do I go into the kitchen and hug them? Do I talk to them? What am I supposed to do?

"Let's go," Ellie whispered. She gave me one last kiss on the mouth and pulled away.

Before she could fully stand up, I brought my hands to her cheeks and pulled her to me again. This time I thanked her for helping me see what I couldn't before.

Ellie and I walked back into the kitchen, hand in hand, to face my parents. They weren't sitting anymore. Now they were whispering amongst themselves and my brother. I cleared my throat to get their attention. Their heads turned towards me sharply and my knees buckled. I don't think I've ever been more nervous in my life.

"Mom. Dad," I choked out. Tears were already threatening to spill again. Not now, Cameron. You're a big boy now.

Whatever emotion I had displayed in those two words, was enough for them. My parents flew to my side, wrapping their arms around me, reassuring me that everything would be okay. My mom cooed in my ear, as my dad told me how much I'd grown. Tracker rustled my hair. This is what being a family feels like.

I pulled Ellie against me, hugging her to my side. My mom wrapped an arm around her too.

And this is what _home_ feels like.

**Ellie**

"Who wants to open presents?" My mom sang out, relishing being the hostess with the mostest. I couldn't help but smile at how girlish she was being- flushed cheeks, a small glass of wine in her hand, and playing with the delicate strand of pearls around her neck.

The next two hours was chaotic as I was shoved into a seat and crowded around. I paid special attention to every present I unwrapped, remarking at how cute and tiny everything was. At the end of the day, I received tons of clothes, two diaper bags, some bibs and bottles, burping rags, bath supplies, diapers, baby wipes, baby powder, a hairbrush and comb, a crib, mobile toys, a few stuffed animals, and a stroller. My teachers had all chipped in and bought me a beautiful baby book, as well as a few personal gifts. Inside the baby book, each teacher had written a special message to Sean, me, and the baby.

"Baby games!" My mom cried, waving slips of paper in the air. I smiled sleepily and watched as everyone scrambled around for their pens and paper to participate.

"Tired?" Sean came around and rubbed my shoulders.

"A little."

"I thought so. It looks like we got everything we need."

"Just about," I murmured.

"Just about? What else do we need?"

"You'd be surprised. Don't think you're getting out of shopping, buster," I rested my head back and looked up at him.

"I know better than that," he teased and kissed the tip of my nose.

"Mmm..."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Thanks you guys. Really."

I smiled at everyone as they started to get their things together. Hell, I even managed to smile at Paige - who gave my baby a yellow shirt that said "Hottie" across it in silver glitter. Honestly, some people never change. And, in a way, that's very comforting.

"Oh, well, anything for you, Ellie," Paige gave me a nasty smile. It was a _sincere_ nasty smile, though, so I didn't take it too much to heart.

"Do you need help cleaning up?" Alex hooked an arm around my neck and drug me closer to her.

"Uh, no," I wheezed out.

"Whoops, sorry. Okay, well, you and that little... thing take care."

"It's a baby, Alex."

"I know. I was talking about Seany, here."

Sean smirked, "I care about you, too, Alex."

Jay rubbed his hands together. "So, uh, you two are staying the night here, right?"

Sean and I looked at each other. "Um, yeah?"

"Well, I need a key then. Lexi and I are going to watch a movie."

I don't like the way he just dragged out "movie". I lifted an eyebrow, but gave him my key anyway. "Keep it clean."

"Oh, we will," Jay snorted and stuck his tongue down Alex's throat. Attractive.

Craig and Ashley hugged me goodbye. Jimmy rustled my hair and kissed me on top of the head. Marco kissed my cheek. I stopped Spinner from putting his lips anywhere near me. "I don't think so, Boner." He mumbled something unintelligible under his breath and ran after Paige and Hazel.

Sean's family hugged us and gave us the name and number for the hotel they were staying at. My parents went out for coffee with all of my relatives, leaving Sean and I alone in the house. I collapsed on the couch, my feet throbbing from moving around so much. "My feet hurt," I whined, sticking them up in the air.

"Aw," Sean tickled them and wrapped my legs around his waist. "How about we soak them in the tub?"

"Um... Okay," I hugged Sean around the neck and let him carry me up the stairs to my bathroom.

It wasn't too long ago we were in this bathroom- talking about my problems. We've come so far since then. I sat on the edge of the tub as Sean checked the temperature of the water. "I think it's warm enough. Okay, do you want... Jasmine Tea or Sandalwood Rose?"

"You pick."

I watched as he sniffed each bottle and finally settled on Sandalwood Rose. "Is this enough?"

"Perfect." I couldn't help but have the biggest smile on my face as I watched him. He turned the faucet off and dipped a few fingers into the water.

"Okay, I think it's good."

I slipped my feet into the tub and sighed at how good it felt. "It's great. Thanks, babe."

"Would it be weird if I did it, too?"

"No, slip your feet in. It feels good."

He took his shoes and socks off and sat on the edge of the tub with me, taking one of my hands in his. We sat in silence, reflecting the day and the outcomes it would bring. Our baby would now have both sets of grandparents. And maybe Sean wouldn't feel so alone anymore.

"I want to thank your dad when he comes back. You know, for inviting them," Sean looked over at me seriously.

"You don't have to thank him."

"No, I do. I was wrong for what I said about him."

"He really does care about you."

"I know. His inviting them- that shows he gives a damn about me. About us and this baby. It's been awhile since I've felt like someone has given a damn about me."

"Well, I give a damn about you."

"And I give a damn about you, too."

Underneath the bubbles, his foot knocked against mine. I stared shyly at our feet. I don't know why, but for some strange reason, I imagined Sean and I in our old age. Would we still be together? Would we be wrinkled and senile together? Maybe we'll be sitting on our porch, much like we're sitting on this bathtub, playing footsie and talking about how much we care about each other. In moments like this, those future aspirations don't seem so impossible.

**Ms. Kwan**

Ellie and Sean,

Congratulations on the nearing arrival of your little bundle of joy. The day that you can look into your beautiful son or daughter's eyes, will be the most wonderful day of your life. I cannot wait for you two to experience parenthood. Ellie, I can see you teaching your child how to read or write. He or she will gain the gift of the written and spoken word from you. Sean, with all due respect, let Ellie teach your child about Shakespeare. Instead, you can teach your son or daughter the values of hard work, friendship, and belief in ones self. I believe you have become a master in your knowledge of these. I'm looking forward to seeing the new parent glow on you both.

Yours,

Ms. Kwan

**Mr. Simpson**

As someone who has just experienced the joys of parenthood recently, I look forward to

sharing this journey with you. It'll be tough- don't doubt that- but so worth it. There's nothing quite like it. I have watched you both grow in the past few years from adolescents to mature adults. I have become such an advocate for you two, and I can't wait to see what the future has in store for you both.

Archie "Snake" Simpson

P.S. Enclosed is a copy of the Zit Remedy's famous song "Everybody Wants Something" to help the baby sleep.

P.P.S. And a note from my wife.

Dear Ellie and Sean,

I can barely express how happy I am for you both. This is a very special point in your life. As someone who has gone through the troubles of young motherhood, I feel it is my duty to tell you to be prepared for how tough it's going to be at first. And how tough it's going to get. Parenthood never gets easier. But then you watch your precious child grow up and form opinions and thoughts and nothing could be more worth it.

With joy,

Christine "Spike" Nelson

**Mr. Radditch**

It always starts in detention... I hope this time is special for you both. I look forward to

being the future principal of your little tyke. Take care and God bless.

Mr. Radditch

**Paige**

Congratulations, Ellie and Sean.

If you ever need a babysitter or, you know, _stylist_ for your baby, you know who to contact.

**Hazel**

I'm so happy for you guys!

I can't wait to see your precious little baby!

Love ya, Hazel

**Jimmy**

You two are amazing.

Here's to you being great parents of a little champ very soon.

**Craig**

If you ever need anything, I'm here.

I'm already starting on a lullaby for the baby.

**Ashley**

Let's hope the baby takes after it's mother.

Love you, El!

**Emma**

I wish you all the luck.

I know you two will be great parents.

**Spinner**

Happy birthday.

And happy giving birth soon day.

Or whatever.

This is Ellie's birthday card from a long time ago. I forgot to give it to you.

Deal with it.

**Alex & Jay**

You two drive us nuts with your constant bickering and whining,

but we can't help but feel a deep warmth when we see how much

you love each other.

That's from a Hallmark card.

Practice safe sex. Always. _Please._

**Yay, another chapter! I think next chapter, Sean and Ellie will see how different their parents really are. And... I don't know what else. Hope you liked the chapter! Thanks for the reviews.**


	19. This Ruined Puzzle

**Chapter 19: This Ruined Puzzle**

**Sean**

I nervously knotted the tie around my neck and tightened it. It hung crookedly, causing Ellie to giggle at my helpless expression. She walked over and adjusted the blue and yellow striped tie. I look stupid. Completely stupid. The oxford shirt is too tight at the top, the tie is choking me, I don't like wearing my shirts tucked in, my new shoes are pinching my feet...

"Tonight is going to suck," I muttered at my reflection.

"Hey!" Ellie wrapped her arms around my neck from behind and squeezed. "Only positive attitudes, remember?"

"Yes, Mr. Rogers," I droned. She smirked at my reflection and kissed me briefly on the cheek before letting go. She looks phenomenal. She really does. I couldn't help but smile as I caught sight of the little bump underneath her scoop-necked black dress. She added a few silver strands around her neck and slipped a pair of black flats on.

"Do I look fine?" She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear and presented herself in front of me.

"You look beautiful."

"Thanks. Are you ready?"

"Not really."

"It'll be fine."

"No. No. I don't think so. Our parents- not alike. Very different." I was struggling. Dinner with both of our parents isn't my idea of a good night. In fact, it's more like hell. What the hell are they going to talk about? Mr. And Mrs. Nash will probably brag about all their trips around the world and their stupid yacht parties or whatever it is they do. My parents, on the other hand, will share their worldly knowledge on beer. I can already imagine the look that will be on Elisabeth Nash's face.

"Nothing good can come from this," I predicted.

* * *

My dad cleared his throat and shifted in his seat, obviously nervous at being in such a fancy restaurant. How are my parents paying for this? _Are_ they paying for it? Or maybe Ellie's parents are... Christian Nash adjusted his tie and smiled easily at me across the table. How can he look so calm? My heart is beating like crazy right now, and he's acting as if he goes through this everyday. This being hell.

"So, uh, what do you do for a living... June?" Elisabeth Nash pulled at her silver necklace and smiled cooly at my mom.

"Well, I work at a local drugstore back home. Just a little corner store called Hickory's." My mom was nervous. She was patting her hair- that's always a sign that she's nervous.

"I can't say I've ever heard of 'Hickory's'..." Christian took a sip of his water and leaned forward. "What about you, Phil?"

"I just do a little factory work. Nothing too special."

Great, a corner store and a factory. My parents look quite ambitious compared to Ellie's...

"Well," Christian smiled. "Someone has to do it. I, myself, happen to..."

_Run around fifty businesses, have a law degree, and travel all over the world... _Could my parents look any _more_ lame compared to Ellie's? Seriously. I felt Ellie's hand squeeze my knee under the table and she gave me a reassuring look. Damnit, we haven't even gotten our food yet, and I'm already losing control. My leg is bouncing, little beads of sweat are gathering at the top of my forehead, and I'm burning up. I took a big gulp of water, hoping it'd cool me down. It didn't.

"I've always enjoyed being creative... and I think I have quite an eye for color and design. Interior design was a natural choice for me... Plus, I had the support of my husband. I can't imagine life without him."

Could she sound any more condescending? My parents have been together for a long time, too. And they didn't get pregnant while in high school- so take that, Mrs. Nash.

"You don't happen to know the Boston Cameron's, do you?"

Is she serious? Is she freaking serious? Do we look like the kind of people that know some rich family from Boston? I don't think so. Cameron is a pretty common name.

My dad thought about it for a second before shaking his head. "I can't say we do. We've never traveled outside of Canada. Barely been outside of Wasaga, huh June?"

"Nope. No sirree. I'm afraid we're a regular pair of homebodies."

I looked my mom over in her simple green dress. It wasn't anything special. Very plain. Just like my parents and my life. We don't have a big mansion or a garage full of cars or money to just throw around... My parent actually have to _work_ to survive. I can't believe I'm defending them, but it's like defending my honor. I'm not going to let a pair of rich snobs break apart everything my parents worked for. Even if they worked for mostly beer and whiskey.

I almost cringed at the sound of my parents nervous laughter. They're completely out of their element. Stick a few beers in their bodies, put a beer in their hand, sit them down in a local diner or in our small 'living room', and they're the life of the party. Here? Here, they're like a charity case. And they know it. An elbow jabbed me in the side and I started from my heavy thoughts.

"Sean?"

I glanced up and saw the waiter was back, my plate of linguini and vegetables in one hand and my bowl of broccoli and cheese in the other. I scooted back a little and gave him room to set it down in front of me. My mom nervously clasped her hands and smiled. "He still likes his broccoli and cheese..."

"Didn't think you ever noticed," I shot back irritably. Listen, I'm giving them another chance, but that doesn't mean they can act as if they were there for every moment of my life before. As if they even knew me before.

"Sean," Ellie warned. She primly placed her napkin in her lap and I sneered. What a joke. Who is she kidding? I can't believe she's been giving me advice about my parents when she can't even get the attention of her own. I mean, her own parents don't even love her- who is she to tell _me_ how to act towards mine?

"Whatever," I muttered and scooped a spoonful of soup up to my mouth. The soup sloshed around and landed right in my lap. "DAMNIT!" I snapped, throwing my napkin and scooping away from the table, my chair screeching.

"It'll be okay- they're black pants," Elisabeth remarked.

"Wow, thanks for the newsflash," I snarked as I wiped at my parents. Why is this happening? I just want my deadbeat parents to make a good impression and, so far, the Nash's have been complete assholes to them, and I've spilled my entire dinner on me.

I saw the look Ellie gave me- shocked and disgusted. Her dad started to get up angrily, but she sent him a look. As if he could take me... I sat back down and glared at my soup. Why the hell did I ever agree to come to this dinner? It's turning out to be the worst night of my life.

The rest of the night, I sullenly listened to different snatches from the dinner conversation.

"Well, I've never been on a yacht before, but I hear it's nice..."

"Oh, it is. The fresh air, the smell of the water... it's great. We have a yacht down in..."

"Well, we don't really have a _house_ to decorate. We live in a little trailer..."

"Well, maybe I can call a friend near Wasaga and she can take a look at your, uh, _trailer_..."

"I'm not sure if we'll ever be able to invest in a house. We're quite content on where we are."

"Well, there's always room for improvement. If you ever need an interior decorate, you know who to contact. It's just a shame you'll be so far away from the baby."

"Yes, it will be a shame. Who knows, maybe Ellie and Sean can get a place halfway in between all of us."

Ellie's mom let out a peal of laughter. "Well, Christian and I have already offered to buy Ellie a place for her and the baby near the University. That way, it'll be easy for her to take care of a baby and continue school. We've already been looking at a few apartments and townhouses..."

"There's always the college in Wasaga..."

"A _community college_, I'm sure..." Did Ellie's mom have to sound so... so... bitchy? Maybe some people are happy with going to a community college. I'd be happy to go to _any_ college.

Her dad gave his wife and adoring look at she scrunched her nose. "What Elisabeth means is that Ellie will be going to Med school or Law school. Maybe even business, huh sweetie?"

"Yeah...," Ellie gave a sickly smile, and I noticed she was twisting her napkin in her lap. Strangling the napkin, is more like it.

"Who knows, maybe she'll have a place in my company. I'd love to have her there. She already helps out with a few things such as..."

Why can't she just tell her parents she has no desire to be a doctor or lawyer or businesswoman? What is she so afraid of? What can they do? Ground her? Tell her they're disappointed? Who honestly cares? I'd never let anyone run my life the way she lets her parents run hers. Even if they don't know they're running it.

"Well, Ellie seems as if she has a good head on her shoulders. Too bad she's barely touched her dinner! Eat up, honey. You're so thin you hardly look pregnant!"

My head jerked up, and I gave my mom an embarrassed look. "_Mom!_ Don't push her. Ellie's _anorexic_."

**Ellie**

_Anorexic. Anorexic. Mom! Don't push her. Ellie's anorexic._ Who the _hell_ does he think

he is to reveal something so untrue? I glanced down at my plate, my eyes wet, and set my fork down. That is it. The last straw for tonight. I calmly pushed myself away from the table and stood up.

"Dinner was great, but I'm getting a little tired. I'm going to call a cab."

"Honey?" my dad stared at me with worried eyes.

"Ellie, don't leave on account of your boyfriend being a jerk. He just doesn't know what he's talking about." Good old mom. She sure knows how to start conflict.

Sean's face grew red, "Excuse me? Me, a jerk? All I did was tell the truth. My parents have a right to know, too. It _does_ affect their grandchild."

"Well, you didn't have to lie," I snapped harshly.

"It isn't a lie..."

My mom gave a laugh of disbelief. "Can you believe this? Ellie has weight concerns, just like any other girl. She's _not_ anorexic."

I almost laughed. My mom is actually coming to my defense? This is new...

"What is with you people?" Sean cried. "You're _crazy_. She's in _therapy_, we just all talked about this the other week. She came to you, upset, because she has an eating disorder. And now, here you all are _denying_ it ever happened."

"Stop it, Sean!" My voice sounded strained. Why did he have to do this? We're in the middle of a restaurant. People I know come to eat here. People can probably hear everything.

"Why are you being like this? Why are you ashamed of what you are? So you have an eating disorder. Big deal. You're getting help. You have me."

I glanced around the small group at the table. His parents were sitting, hands in laps, looking just a little uncomfortable... My mom kept rolling her eyes at everything Sean was saying. My dad looked like he was ready to pound Sean into the ground. And, for once, I don't think I'd stop him.

My mom laughed again, "A girl goes on a diet and she's automatically anorexic. And this is the future doctor talking? Dear God, the world is in trouble if _Sean_ is the future of our society..."

"Now, listen here!" Sean's mom stood up abruptly. "My boy is a _smart_ boy. I don't appreciate you insulting him like-..."

"Why don't you both shut up and go drink yourselves stupid? That's what your best at!" Sean spat.

His mom sat down quickly and was comforted by her husband. My mom, on the other hand, started to make her way around the table. "Why you little bastard!" she whispered sharply.

I'm ready to scratch my eyes out. I really am. This was supposed to be a nice, perfect dinner for both of our families to get acquainted and know a little more about each other. They were supposed to talk about politics, backgrounds, and the future and agree on everything. Instead, Sean and my mom are slowly unraveling the relationship that we've all worked so hard for. After tonight, my parents will never approve of Sean again. They'll forbid me to see him.

"And _you_," Sean turned and pointed his finger at me. "I am sick of you letting your parents walk all over you! Since when are you moving into a new apartment with the baby?"

"I never-..."

"Oh, sorry, _townhouse_. Whatever. The point is, you're not getting rid of me that easy. And Ellie isn't being a doctor. Or a lawyer. And she's not going to work for you, Christian. She has _other_ goals."

Why is he doing this to me?

"Ellie, what's going on?" I almost cried at the confused expression on my dad's face.

"Tell them. Tell them about you're acting or directing. And tell them about how much you love teaching others. _Tell them_!"

I could easily admit it right now. Then my parents would have years to get over it before I went off to college and started my life. By then, who knows? Maybe they'd approve of the whole teaching idea...

"Ellie would never teach. It wouldn't be wise financially. She knows that."

"Shut up about money. Ellie doesn't care about it. She's not selfish like you two!"

I finally found my voice. "Just lay off my parents, Sean! Mom, dad... he's lying. I would _never_ consider doing as stupid as teaching. Okay?"

They let out a sigh of relief and laughed a little. "Whew! You had us worried there for a second, sweetie."

"Don't worry, daddy. I'm fine." I shot a warning look at Sean.

He just stared back at me. Disappointed.

**Sean**

I unlocked the door and Ellie pushed past me, heading towards the bathroom.

"Are you going to go throw up now?" I can't believe I just said that. But I did.

She turned around. "You'd like to me, wouldn't you? That way you could tell everyone that I made myself throw up, right? You know, since you love telling everyone about my personal business."

"Oh _please_. As if everyone doesn't already notice. You're anorexic, Ellie. And I don't want to hear you ever denying it again. Especially when I held you as you cried in your bedroom. You _confessed_ to me. Don't take it back now."

She blinked rapidly. "I never said _that word_."

"What? Anorexic?"

"Stop it."

"Anorexic."

"Why are you doing this to me? I'm in therapy, I'm _trying_. Isn't that good enough?"

"No! I want you to _own_ it. Face it, Ellie. You have a problem. If you can't admit that anymore, how are you supposed to get better?"

"I am getting better."

"But anything could set you off. And then you'd be right back where you started- starving yourself and spending the night at home hunched over a toilet. Isn't that right?"

"You're a mean person, you know that? You're mean. You were a jackass at dinner and now you're being a jackass to me."

"Maybe I was a jackass at dinner because your parents are evil. Could they have made my parents feel any worse for not having a nine hundred billion dollar income?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The fact that you and your parents just love to show off all your money. It's so obvious!"

"I still don't know what you're talking about. But my parents were trying to be polite during dinner. _You_ are the one who messed it all up! You over-reacted to everything! And then you went and told your parents that I'm... You tried to make me look bad! As if I'm a bad mother or something!"

"Well, you're the one who's leaving me to go live in some townhouse!" my voice broke a little. The thought of her leaving breaks me.

"My _mother_ said that. You know she'll say anything to start drama. I'm not leaving you, nor did I ever have the notion of leaving you. I know nothing about the apartment or townhouse or whatever my mom was talking about. Okay? I'm not leaving you. I love you. I'm crazy about you."

"I love you, too. And that's why I wish you would just admit to things. Like you're eating disorder or the fact that you're letting your parents plan your future for you and it's not what you want!"

"I'll tell my parents in my own way, okay? I don't need you to tell them for me. If I hadn't denied it earlier, my parents would have killed me!"

"So you're just going to do something that you hate for the rest of your life?" I mused bitterly. "That sounds great, Ellie. That way, you'll be so miserable, you'll never get better. But maybe that's what you want."

She didn't move from the doorway. She just stood there frozen. Finally she opened her mouth, "You don't think that I want to get better? Do you honestly think I enjoy doing this to myself? I don't. I find no enjoyment in it at all. I _hate_ it. But I can't have you going around telling everyone and trying to unravel my life all at once! I have to do this for myself."

"_Then DO it!_" I bellowed. "Stop talking about doing it and _do_ it!"

"Don't yell at me. Why can't you just admit that what you did tonight was wrong? You revealed personal things without any acknowledgment of how I'd feel. You don't do that..."

I sighed and tugged at my hair. "I know," I let my shoulders drop. "I fucked up. I'm sorry I said it. I was pissed, nervous, and I wasn't thinking."

"Thank you for apologizing. I'm going to call Ashley and ask if I can stay the night."

"Please stay."

"Not tonight. I need to think tonight."

I let her slide past me to the phone. I watched as she slowly dialed Ashley's number and talked to her in a low voice. When she hung up, I hurried to her side. "Don't be mad at me. I say things without thinking."

She shrugged. "I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed."

Even worse.

"I'm disappointed in you, too," I admitted. I knew it'd hurt her, but I had to tell the truth.

"Why?" Just as I thought, she looked panicked.

"Because you aren't being honest with your parents. You're not telling them what you want."

"I'm not like you, Sean. I can't just do that to them. You might not need your parents, but I need mine."

"For what? What do you rely on them for? Money? Okay, I'll give you that. But what else? They don't give you anything else."

She played with the edge of the couch. "Contrary to popular belief, my parents do love me."

"I'm sure they do. Somewhere in there. But where's the proof? Some of us need proof."

"Sean? Can you hold our baby yet? Can you hug or kiss or play with our baby?"

"No."

"But you still love our baby, right?"

"Yes."

"There. Proof isn't always physical."

I followed her into the bedroom and watched as she got out an overnight bag and started to pack some clothes in it. Each thing she put in there made the distance between us greater. Her jeans, her shoes, her toothbrush, her brush... My stomach constricted as she took a framed picture of us and put it in her bag, too.

"How long are you staying away?" I tried to act nonchalant, but I failed. I was hurting.

"As long as it takes."

"Takes for what?"

"For me to get over tonight."

"That'll be forever! You never get over anything. You just store it away for future arguments."

I small smile crept out from behind her frown. "You know me too well... you know that?"

"Even better than you know yourself sometimes."

"True," she looked up and, finally, met my eyes. "I still love you. I just need a little time. What you did tonight was wrong."

"Argh! Okay! I get it! I don't understand why you're so pissed off about this!" I smacked my fist against the wall to get my point across.

"Nice. Punch walls right in front of me. I feel real secure."

"I would never lay a finger on you."

"I know," her voice was small. "But... what if... what if I told someone you punch the walls when you're angry? Or that you deafened a kid in one ear?"

"That's nobody's business!"

"Exactly. And what if I told my parents that you stole from school?"

"I'd be pissed."

"Exactly. So don't act as if I have no right to be angry with you. It might be easy for you to admit to others that I have a problem, but it is _my_ problem. Not yours. You hear me?"

I felt like I was a little kid again who did something he thought was right, and then realized it was wrong after spending hours screaming with his parents over it. I felt guilty. She's right. I never should have said she was anorexic, especially say it so casually. And to act embarrassed by it. It sucks to realize that you did something incredibly stupid and wrong.

I put a hand on her shoulder and we pulled towards each other for a hug. I held her in my arms for a few minutes, thinking about how lucky I am to have her. She's always there to help me. She makes me laugh everyday. And she's not afraid to tell me when I do something shitty. That's quality, right there.

**Ellie**

I slipped my purse onto my shoulder as Sean grabbed my bag and backpack and carried it out to Ashley's car. Ashley hugged me briefly and helped put my stuff into her trunk. I hung back as Sean and Ashley exchanged a few words. Ashley's mouth was set in a grim line as she talked to him and she rolled her eyes before getting back into the car.

Sean walked over to me and opened the door for me. Before I slipped into the car, I pulled him into another hug and kissed him quickly on the cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow in school."

"Bye. Love you."

"Love you, too."

He closed the door after me and watched as we drove off. I know this because I watched him in the little side mirror of Ashley's car until I couldn't make out his figure anymore. And then I pounced... "What did he say to you?"

"What?" Ashley looked over at me.

"Sean. What did he say to you? When you guys put my bags into the trunk?"

"Nothing."

"_Ashley_."

"He wants me to call him and tell him how you're feeling after you go to bed."

I tried not to smile, but I couldn't help it. He _is_ crazy about me. It's nice to know that someone loves you. I don't have to worry about whether or not he's falling out of love with me or maybe that he never loved me in the first place. I can just tell.

"I thought you guys were fighting? You're smiling as if everything is all fine and dandy!"

I rolled my eyes and inspected my nails. "We're not _fighting_. We did fight. But now I just need a few days to relax and get over it."

"What happened?"

"You know, I'd rather not talk about it. I don't want to rehash it."

"Ellie!"

"Ashley, please... Anyway, if I told you, then Craig would know by midnight, and tomorrow, a play by play of the fight will be in the morning announcements," I joked.

She pouted a little, but cracked a smile. "You're treating me as if I'm a Paige clone."

"You're not?" I feigned surprise.

"Ha ha. The different between me and Paige is that she deliberately spreads gossip. I do it accidentally. I swear."

"I know."

"Anyway, we know who the _real_ gossip is around here..."

"Hey, don't even talk about me like that. Just because I like to hear the news around school doesn't make me some big gossip."

"You live for the stuff, Ellie."

"Just because I find it pathetic."

"Yeah, _sure_... If by pathetic, you mean highly entertaining and detrimental to your existence."

"Oh, please..."

"So, how was dinner."

"Painful."

"Uh huh... And how are things with Jay around the place?"

"Painful."

We laughed and I shared stories about Jay's latest antics with her. By the time we got to her house, our sides were splitting from laughing so hard. Maybe this little "vacation" from Sean and the apartment will be a good thing. It'll allow me to clear my head, to have a little space, a little _me_ time. I'm already starting to feel a little better about tonight. And in a few days, I can go back to the apartment and things can go back to normal. Whatever normal is.

**So I finally got the chapter out there. I hope everyone enjoys it. Next chapter- Sean/Mrs. Nash, Sean/Mr. Nash, Ellie and her parents, another therapy session, and who knows what else. The next chapter or two will be tying up things before the big event happens. :) Reviews/Pov's please! Thanks!**


	20. The Sharp Hint of New Tears

**Chapter 20: The Sharp Hint of New Tears**

_Expect me to apologize_

_for things that you've done wrong,_

_while you're inciting others._

_You're owning up to nothing,_

_and I wish that I was gone._

**Sean**

I splashed the cold water on my face. The night had been long and restless. Before, I could fall asleep the moment I hit the sheets. Now, after growing so accustomed to falling asleep with Ellie in my arms, a night without her was sleepless and spent tossing and turning. I'm fully aware of how wimpy I sound- how whipped. But I'm _not_.

And that realization has got me just a little pissed that I gave in so easily last night. It didn't take five minutes before I was apologizing up and down to her- for things _she_ was doing wrong. It's not exactly fair when you think about it. Every time she gets on my case and tries to "help" me, it's okay. It's the right thing. And I'm just wrong if I don't follow her advice. But when I try and help her out, it's a whole different story. Instead of being there for her, I'm the evil boy who's _forcing_ her and being insensitive.

I guess I could have told my parents about her in a more appropriate setting, but I don't think about that stuff ahead of time. It's not like I went to dinner _knowing_ I'd reveal her eating disorder to my mom and dad. And basically the whole restaurant. It wasn't planned out or calculated. It was spur of the moment. A mistake. If she had done the same thing to me, she'd be making me feel guilty for yelling at her for a mistake. Why don't I get the same privilege?

"Yo, Cameron! Some of us need to use the bathroom, too, you know?" Jay pounded on the door.

I patted my face dry and stared at my bloodshot eyes. Great. Now she'll think I spent the entire night crying over her. Okay, so I was close. But no one needs to know that. I'm under enough stress as it is without being known as some emotional wreck. Between taking care of a pregnant girlfriend who constantly has mood swings, working, and dealing with my deadbeat best friend living in the house, things aren't so easy for me lately. Oh, and add two non-existent parents suddenly appearing out of nowhere, and I've got myself a motive for murder.

"Aw, we're you crying?" Jay faked a pout and pushed past me.

"Yeah, I sure was," I responded sarcastically.

I shuffled into my small bedroom, past the countless piles of Ellie's dirty clothes all over the floor, and threw open one of my drawers. Ugh. And, once again, she has managed to take over all of my drawers. I grabbed her pile of underwear stuffed in the midst of my drawer and tossed them onto the ground. I rifled through the drawer until I found a shirt that Ellie would totally disapprove of. Next I grabbed my baggiest pair of jeans and pulled them on. The final piece- my hat. Ellie _hates_ this hat. And because of her, I haven't been wearing it lately.

I glanced at the clock next to my bed and saw I had a good ten minutes to kill before Jay would be ready. Well, what else is there to do but more silent protesting? I pulled my homework from last night out of my backpack and erased some of the answers. I filled in the empty spots with random numbers and stared at my handiwork. This math worksheet is now worthy of a... D. D+ if I'm lucky. My eyes scanned the room for something else I could do. A smile crept across my face when my sight fell upon the shelf of movies and DVDs. It's perfect. Why didn't I think of it before?

I rearranged all the DVDs, _out of order_. Next, the CDs. Then, the cereal boxes. The best part was Ellie's bookshelf. I _hate_ that bookshelf. It's a constant reminder of how much smarter she is than me. I threw a few books around the room. One landed on the kitchen table, right in the middle of Jay's disgusting bowl of macaroni and cheese he had left out last night. Perfect. When she comes home, she's going to freak. The thought of her going crazy, and me getting my small revenge, makes me smile.

**Ellie**

I wrapped my leather jacket tighter around myself and got on my tip-toes to look for Sean over the crowd. Where is he? There's only three minutes left until homeroom starts, and, so far, I haven't seen him. A nervous flutter started growing in my stomach, and I willed myself to go ahead to class without talking to him. He'll find me later. We always find each other.

"What's up, El?" Marco threw his arm around me and I gave him a smile.

"Not much. I was just looking for Sean," I shrugged.

"Yeah, Ashley said you guys got in a fight?"

"Trust Ashley to tell _everyone_. You know, sometimes I don't know what I saw in the girl..." I was joking. Kind of. I know it's not that big of a deal that- oooh, Sean and I got into a fight... because, well, who doesn't?- but, still, she acted so insulted that I suggested that she has a big mouth. Which she does. Point proven just now. "It's not big deal. We're just going to spend a few days apart."

"Ouch. Well, I hope things clear up. And, you know, if you need someone to talk to, _I_ won't tell anyone."

"Thanks. But I think I have it under control.

I hope.

I still have yet to talk to my parents. They are _not_ going to be happy. At all. My dad really liked Sean, too. Sure, it took him awhile to get over the whole Sean getting me pregnant thing, but he was really starting to like him. He wanted to take him golfing so they could get to know each other. My dad doesn't make time to go golfing with just anybody. My mom is a different story; she's a lot harder to warm up to. But I think that even she was starting to get over being angry at Sean. If my mom didn't like Sean, she would have found a way to get rid of him a long time ago.

And now that's gone. And all because Sean had to go and make a scene at the restaurant. It wasn't even just the whole "anorexic" thing (thought that played a huge part of it and was the final straw) but just the way he was acting from the very beginning: he kept trying to compare his parents to mine, he made smart-ass comments about his parents's financial situation, he overreacted when he spilled a little soup on himself, just everything... And now his parents thing I'm some psycho who won't be able to take care of a baby. And I _so_ can take care of a baby. I've been preparing for this for years- taking care of my mom, working with the kids at the orphanage and day care, the baby project at school...

Every mother is afraid of their parenting capabilities. I'm nervous- I'm not afraid to admit it. Being a mom at sixteen scares the hell out of me. I mean, what does this mean for me exactly? I know I plan on finishing school and going to college and I believe that everything will work out, but _will it_? I mean, will I be able to leave my baby and go back to school? Everyone talks about the special bond between a mother and child and how hard it is for new mother's to leave their babies. That scares me because I have so much planned for myself, but what if I can't do it? I'm not saying staying at home with my baby is a bad thing- I hold stay-at-home mom's with the highest regard- but I've always planned on going on and doing something like... ugh... I'll admit it- acting or directing movies or even teaching. Will I fulfill all of my dreams?

"Ellie?" a hand shook my shoulder and I turned in my seat.

"Craig?" I lifted my eyebrows and gave him a look that basically said "thanks for scaring the shit out of me".

"Are you going to your... session today?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah... Wanna walk together?"

"Sure."

"Cool." He gave me a smile and went back to tapping his pencil against his desk to some rhythm.

Ugh. And I _really_ need to talk to Dr. Brahm today. After the events of last night, I think she's the only one who can help me clear my thoughts. As much as I hate to admit it, she's really helping me think things through- not just about my eating, either. About school, the baby, my family, my friends... Everything seems a lot easier when you have someone to talk to who's not going to criticize you or something. Movement outside the room caught my attention and craned my head to peek out the door.

Sean! I bit my lip as I watched him laugh with Jay and push a freshman into a row of lockers. Why the hell is he acting like that? I can't stand when people bully others. It's so... inhumane. I shook my head and forced myself to look away. I don't need to see that. I don't need another reason to be angry with him.

* * *

"Hey! Wait up!"

I turned around and pushed my hair out of my face. The wind just whipped it right back. Why is Craig running after me?

"I thought we were walking together."

Oh. Yeah. "Yeah, sorry. I'm a little distracted." What an understatement...

Craig scratched his head and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Why?"

Should I even say anything? I mean, can I trust him? Do I even want to tell anyone about my problems? I lifted a shoulder, "I don't know. I haven't talked to Sean once today. He's avoiding me."

"That's a jerk move. Is it about the whole fight thing?"

Damnit! Who _didn't_ Ashley tell? I shot Craig an annoyed look and kept on walking. We walked quietly for awhile. The anxiety of being a good mom is starting to come back to me. I know I shouldn't worry this much, but I just can't help it. I want the absolute best for my baby- the best home, the best schools, the best friends, the best everything.

"Worried?"

I turned my attention back to Craig. "What?"

"You're wringing your hands. Are you worried?"

"Kind of..."

"About the baby?"

"Yeah... the baby, my family, Sean, my appointment today... Everything has me worried." I let out a shaky sigh, as if to prove my point.

Craig wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. "Hey! Don't worry at all. You're going to have a beautiful baby, your family is going to be great, Sean will always love you, and there's no reason to be worried about your appointment."

"Thanks, Craig." I gave him a small smile and reached up to squeeze the hand resting casually on my shoulder.

"Hey, what are friends for?"

* * *

Dr. Brahm closed her notebook and set it on her desk, pulling her chair closer to me. "Sounds like dinner was tough."

"It was."

"I bet you were really angry at Sean."

"I was. Still kind of am..." I stared at my hands. I just want to go back to Ashley's and take a nap. This day has been incredibly stressful and frustrating.

Dr. Brahm gave me a smile and clasped her hands in her lap. "Well, I know you don't want to hear this, _but_... have you ever considered how Sean is feeling?"

"How he's feeling about what?" I snapped. I'm the one who's pregnant. Not him. It's like no one even fucking cares that I feel like my life is over.

"Hey, don't act like that. I'm just trying to help you realize that maybe Sean is a little nervous about the pregnancy, too. He's probably scared for you, for the baby, for himself... Ellie, he loves you, and you admitting your eating disorder to him, probably scared the hell out of him!"

I huffed and crossed my arms. "Are you supposed to be talking to me like this? You don't really sound like a therapist right now. You sound more like an _amateur_."

She stared me straight in the eye, "Ellie, calm down. I'm not trying to attack you. I'm trying to _help_ you. He _loves_ you. I saw it at the baby shower. It's so obvious. Don't blame him for a simple mistake."

"Simple mistake? He told a lie to his parents about me."

"Since when is your eating disorder a lie?"

"It just... Don't do this to me. Do you know how hard this is for me?"

She just kept staring at me. Why isn't she being sympathetic towards me? She's supposed to comfort me and tell me I'm right. And she's not.

"You were doing so well. And now you're backpedaling. I don't understand... Did something happen this weekend to trigger you to go back-..."

"I don't have an eating disorder anymore, okay? I'm fine now!"

She put a hand to her mouth, "Oh sweetie... Honey, this won't ever go away. Believe me."

"Yes, it will." What is she talking about? It _will_ go away. It already _has_ gone away. I'm fine now. I'm eating, I'm not throwing up, I'm not taking diet pills... I'm going to deliver a healthy baby. I can feel the tears coming to my eyes, and I just want to smack myself across the face at how stupid I'm being. I need to stay strong. This is the only way I'll get through this.

"No," she repeated softly. "It won't."

I gave her the silent treatment. Who is she to say I won't get better? I wish she'd just shut up. And to think, I was actually starting to like her. She's not helping me. She's just making it worse.

"You don't have to feel ashamed, Ellie. A lot of people struggle with image problems..."

"Not feel ashamed? What do you mean 'not feel ashamed'? Of course, I'm ashamed!" I felt a tear slide down my cheek. "I _have_ to deliver a healthy baby. Everyone probably thinks I'm evil for what I was doing."

Her hand found mine and she held it loosely in hers. "Listen to me, Ellie. You're recovering, but you're not _fine_. And you have an amazing support group- your family, Sean, your friends, me... You're not in this alone, and everyone understands that it's a lifelong commitment to getting better."

I ducked my head and stared at my lap. I just want to be better. I don't want to have to worry about what I"m putting in my mouth and how many calories a cracker has and whether or not I'll have gained five pounds by the next day. I just want to go on living my life. _What life? _I don't even know if I know what it's like to _not_ worry about food... I don't. I don't even know what it's to be normal. How pathetic.

"I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry, Ellie. But I am saying that you need to look at it from Sean's view, too. He's hurting, too. He has feelings, too. And, I'm sorry to say this, but you're not always going to be right."

I gripped the edge of the chair and willed myself not to start throwing punches. Who does she think she is talking to me in that little self-satisfied tone? She _loves_ telling me I'm wrong. That's her job. And she's getting money for it. "I'm really tired," I found my voice. It came out dry and raspy. "I just want to go home."

Dr. Brahm let out a little sigh and stood up. "I really wish you'd open up more, Ellie. We were making such good headway before."

I didn't respond. I just grabbed my bag and threw it onto my shoulder. Who needs her. Who needs Sean. Who needs anyone. I can take care of myself. I already have taken care of myself for seven years. As I started to pass through the door, I felt her hand come down on my shoulder. I fought the urge to shake it off.

"Just think about what I said. Think about Sean and his feelings. Not just your own."

Oh, so now I'm selfish. Well, good. I've never been selfish before in my life, so I guess this is a good time to start. From now on, I don't care about anyone but myself. And this baby. I don't care about my family, Sean, my friends, school, _nothing_. It's not like anyone would care- Sean already made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with me by the way he acted today. He avoided me and he ignored me. And I'm not going to take that.

My cell phone rang, and I dug through my bag to retrieve it. The caller ID blinked with my mom's cell phone number. Why is _she_ calling?

"Hello?" I answered, curious as to what she wanted.

"Hi sweetie."

Ugh. Sweetie. My mom only calls me that when she's in a manipulative mood.

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted to see how you're doing. You know, since Sean was so incredibly hateful to you last night."

Obviously, she's up to something. I could agree and whine to her about everything and let her use it against me in the future, or I could set the record straight with her. "Listen, mom. I know what you're trying to do. You want to turn me against Sean because of how he acted last night."

"I do not-..."

"Save it. I know you. I've gone through this for years. And it's not working this time, mom. I love Sean, he loves me, we're going to be a family, and there is nothing you can do about it. He made a mistake last night. So stop trying to turn me against him!" I hate having to defend my relationship with Sean. Why can't everyone just see that we love each other and we make each other happy? Isn't that the most important thing?

"Well!" my mom huffed. I heard her rustling around in the background. "Excuse me for calling to check up on my daughter..."

A pang of guilt ran throughout my body. Why does she have to go and do that? She always makes me feel guilty for her problems. Call it the "daughter of an alcoholic mother" complex. "Sorry," I gave in.

"Okay, well... I was just checking up on you, I guess. Are you staying at Ashley's again tonight?"

"Yeah, I think I'll stay one or two more nights."

"You can always come home."

"I kind of need a break from everything."

She wasn't pleased with my answer. "I'm really trying to be here for you, Ellie. I know what you're going through. I think this could be really good for our relationship. I know you haven't been able to fully trust me because of... before. I'm really trying, though."

I looked both ways before crossing the street. "I know, mom. You're right, it _is_ hard... I want to trust you, but I need more time. Okay?"

"Okay," her voice sounded strained. "Maybe you could come over tomorrow for dinner?"

I agreed and hung up the phone. Maybe I can clear Sean's name during dinner. I can't have my parents be angry with him forever, can I? And I guess I can't be angry with him forever, either... As much as I hate to admit it, I'm ready to forgive him. I hate being mad and pissed off about everything. I blame it on the hormones, but I also know it's me. I need to work on myself.

_Think about Sean and his feelings. Not just your own._

_You're not always going to be right..._

Errr! Why can't I always be right? That's how it's always been. Why does it have to stop now? I don't mean to sound all pouty and everything, but it's a huge slap in the face to have someone say that to me. I think I've been handed a few slap in the faces lately. Let me say it- it never gets easier. Each slap hurts as much as the one before...

**Sean**

"Are you sure?" I glanced over at Tracker and gripped the door handle. "Is this really necessary?"

Tracker groaned and hit his head against the steering wheel. "Hey, little bro, you need to go talk to her. She _is_ her mom. Who knows, maybe she'll be your mother-in-law one of these days."

I snorted and opened the door. "Yeah, right... That witch? Come around in five minutes."

"You better be talking to her for longer than five minutes..."

"Pick me up in five minutes," I repeated. Like Mrs. Nash would allow me to get a word in anyway. I'm sure she'll spend the entire time scrutinizing everything about me, yelling at me, telling me how I'm ruining Ellie's life... I'll be anyone $1,000 that she calls me an embarrassment or a hoodlum. Embarrassment or hoodlum- those are her words for me. I put a $1,000 down on it.

I opened the glass door and walked inside. Pretty nice. Okay, _really_ nice. Now this is an office... I gave a hesitant smile at the receptionist and made myself step forward. Okay, one foot in the front of the other. Why the hell is Ellie's mom making me into some... wimp? Okay, I guess the fact that she's one scary... well, I won't say what I think of her... but she's scary as hell.

"Can I help you?" the blonde tossed her soft curls to one side and gave me a bright smile.

Hey, friendly... "I'm here to see Mrs. Na- Elisabeth Nash? "

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No, I'm kind of... well, I'm Ellie's boyfriend?"

"Eleanor? Oh! Well, have a seat, and I'll tell her you're here," she picked up the phone and started to dial.

"Thanks," I gave a wan smile and took a seat in one of the cushy chairs in the waiting area. There's a waiting area at an interior design firm? I guess this is my first time in an interior design firm... I glanced at the stack of magazines sitting on the table next to me. Shifting through them, I found myself disappointed that there were no car magazines. What kind of place is this?

"Excuse me, but Elisabeth would like to know if you're here on business?"

I shot an incredulous look at the receptionist. Is she _kidding_ me? "Oh yeah... I need some guidance on how to decorate my kitchen," I shot back with dripping sarcasm.

The receptionist blinked and uncovered the phone. "He says he's here about a kitchen?"

Is she serious? What is she _thinking_?

"I'm sorry, sir... Elisabeth won't be able to see you today. She doesn't do kitchens."

I lunged out of the chair and crossed the space between me and the desk. "I'm _not_ here on business- I'm here to talk to her about her daughter. Please, I need to see her."

"It's nice to see you beg, Sean..."

I turned around and glared at the woman in the doorway. Elisabeth Nash smiled cooly back at me and tapped her nails against the doorframe. She checked her watch quickly. "I guess I can spare a few minutes to hear you grovel... speak..."

Is she for real? I really don't have to take this. Still, I'll swallow my pride for the sake of Ellie. I followed her into her office and took a seat at one of the chairs in front of her mahogany desk. She perched herself in her large chair behind her desk and folded her hands on the surface in front of her. "What can I do for you?"

"I'd like to-..."

"Embarrass my daughter even more? Make _another_ scene in front of a crowd? Ruin a perfectly good evening?"

It took all I had not to throw myself across that desk and wring her neck. She stared at me with pursed lips and leaned back a little in her seat.

"You know, Sean... I was really starting to like you. I was beginning to get over the fact that you're nothing but an ignorant hoodlum."

There you go. Where can I collect my $1,000? Just as I predicted, she called me a hoodlum. Hell, she even threw in ignorant. Even better. My eyes flickered over her office. Awards and degrees hanging on the walls, a bookshelf full of books, a few displays of color swatches and designs... And a few framed photos scattered along her desk. One in particular caught my attention. It must have been taken in France because the Nash's were in front of the Eiffel Tower. How touristy. Christian and Elisabeth hugged as Ellie stood off to one side- almost as if she didn't belong.

I picked up the picture and investigated it. "I'm surprised you didn't cut Ellie out of the picture. Everyone knows how much you hate her. How much you hurt her."

I knew that would get her. It would hit her in her most vulnerable spot. Like all mothers, she doesn't want to hear that she is a bad one. Just as I suspected, Elisabeth snatched the picture back from me and stared at her. "You can just shut the hell up. I love my daughter."

"Not that anyone could tell. You treat her like crap. You make her take care of you. You abandon her. What kind of mother are you?"

She set the picture down and grasped the edge of her desk. She couldn't even look me in the eyes. "You're lucky I'm a decent woman... Otherwise, I'd kill you for that remark," she looked up at me, and I saw the actual vulnerability in her eyes. "Don't you think I feel guilty enough for what I've done to her? I'm trying to make it up to her. But don't you ever doubt my love for her. I would do anything for her."

"No, _I_ would do anything for her."

"I didn't realize my daughter was some prize."

"She's not."

"Then why are you trying to be the bigger man here? Can't we both care about her? Why are you being so selfish about it?"

Me. Selfish. I dropped my shoulders and looked out of the window to my right. The sky was starting to darken. It's going to rain. How fitting.

"We all have problems, Sean. Me. Christian. Even Ellie."

"So you admit she has a problem."

"Of course she does. I've been her mother for sixteen years and eight months."

"Eight months?"

"Eight months of pregnancy. Ellie was pre-mature. The point is, we thought she was better. We sent her to a hospital. A special program. Obviously, it didn't help."

"She needs more than just a special program. She needs you guys to talk to her about it. And be there for her." I can't believe I'm actually having a regular... sort of... conversation with Ellie's mom. This isn't natural. We should be screaming at each other or something.

She flicked an invisible piece of lint off of her sweater. "We're trying, but it's _hard_."

"So hard that you'll ignore that you daughter is slowly killing herself?"

"She's getting better. This new therapist is really helping her."

"Yeah, she's helping her, but it's not making her completely better. The first step of solving a problem is admitting you have a problem. Well, Ellie's admitted it, more or less. Now it's your turn. Your daughter has a serious problem. Admit it."

"I have."

"In front of her."

"Ellie already hates me as it is. I don't need to give her another reason."

I stood up. This conversation is over. "Ellie doesn't hate you. She should. But she's too good of a person to hate someone."

Ellie's mom awkwardly stood up, too. "Thanks," she responded uncomfortably.

I shoved my hands in my pockets and rocked on the heels of my shoes. "Listen... the main reason I came here was to... apologize. For dinner. I didn't mean to make a scene."

She folded her arms and gave a tentative smile. "Happens to the best of us. Believe me, I've done worse at office parties. Alcohol and kareoke don't go well with me."

I was surprised to hear myself actually laughing.

"Listen, Sean... Ellie might be a little mad with you, but she still... loves you. We talked earlier, and she's still defending you."

Hearing that made my heart skip a beat. She's still defending me. "That's good."

"She's crazy about you... I'm trying to understand why. But her father isn't so forgiving. He's ready to hire a hit man to take care of you."

I gave a nervous smile and started to edge my way out the door. "Maybe you can clear things up with him?"

She smirked, "Or you can. I'll tell him to expect you."

I gave a small wave goodbye and got out of the firm as fast as I could. Of course, Tracker is as unreliable as usual. I glanced at my watch. He should have been here fifteen minutes ago. I sighed and leaned against the building. Okay, so a few things were resolved by this meeting: Ellie's mom forgives me for what happened at the restaurant; I know Ellie still loves me; I know Ellie's dad wants to kill me; and... who knows, maybe today was the start of a lukewarm relationship between Ellie's mom and me. I sort of feel like I know her now... I mean, she's not the nicest lady around. But at least I know she's not the witch I thought she was. More like misunderstood. Which I can understand. I can totally understand.

**I hope you guys liked this chapter. It took me awhile to write, but hopefully it pays off. I did a little foreshadowing in this- I don't know if you guys will notice yet what I foreshadowed, but... it's something. Next chapter: Alex sets Ellie straight; Tracker and Sean do a little brother bonding; Sean sees Ellie's dad in a new light; Ellie admits that she's wrong.Thanks for the wonderful reviews!**


	21. Life Lessons

**Chapter 21: Life Lessons**

**Sean**

I drummed my fingers nervously against the car door. Why am I doing this? I don't need to see him. Mrs. Nash is right- he'll kill me. Here I am, Mr. Tough Guy basically shaking in my shoes at the site of his office. The tall tower loomed over me. This is insane. I just need to go in there and tell him what's up.

"Um, are you getting out of the car or not?" Tracker punched me lightly in the arm, and I gave him an annoyed look.

"Believe me, this guy isn't as easy to talk to as you'd think."

"Well, then you better start now since it might take all night. Don't tell me you're _scared_ of him. Since when is Sean Cameron scared of anyone?"

I see what he's doing. He's doing that whole psychological thing on me- tricking me into working up the nerve to storm right in there and give Mr. Nash a piece of my mind. He's making me feel like a pathetic wimp right now. Well, it's not going to work.

"I'm _not_ scared. In fact, I can't wait to go in there and tell him what I think of him."

Okay, so maybe it did work.

Tracker gave me a smirk and leaned across to pop open the door. "Hey, he's not going to wait all night. You're chariot will be around in a few minutes."

"Whatever," I muttered, kicking the beat-up door open the rest of the way and stumbling out. I don't even know what frickin' floor I'm supposed to go to. There's about a million in front of me. Which one?

I walked in and glanced around at all the adults dressed in business suits and talking into their cell-phones and glancing at their watches. How stupid. Don't they realize that there's more to life than the stock market or closing the latest deal? I shook my head and walked up to a desk.

"Um…" I swiped the hat off of my head. "Uh, I'm here to see Christian Nash?"  
The man in front of me wasn't as friendly as the blonde back at the interior design firm. He raised an eyebrow and glanced me over. "And you are…?"  
"Sean Cameron. I'm dating Ellie Nash?"

"Eleanor. Right. Listen pal, how about you just walk right back out before I call security?"

Who does he think he is? "Listen _pal_, I'm not joking here. I really need to talk to Mr. Na- to _Christian_. Got it?" I gave my most menacing look and the man stared back at me bored. So I see where Ellie learns it.

"I'm not amused, little boy. Mr. Nash is a very busy man with a lot of priorities. You aren't one of them. So I suggest you leave before I ca-"

"What are you doing here?"

I turned around at the voice and gave a silent sigh of relief at the sight of Ellie's father. He gave me a cold stare as he stood in his coat, holding a cup of coffee in one hand and a briefcase in the other. The man and woman standing next to him gave impatient looks at their watches.

"Uh- I'm… here to talk. About Ellie."

"Ellie? What's wrong? Is she okay? How's the baby?"

Did he really just sound concerned for his daughter? "She's fine," I reassured and the worry lines on his forehead went away.

"My daughter… gave me a little scare," he explained to the couple next to him and they gave fake sympathetic laughs.

The woman looked at her watch against and rolled her shoulders back. "I'm really sorry, but if we're going to talk about this… We have to get going." She gave me a rude look and adjusted her purse on her shoulder.

Witch.

Mr. Nash shared a glance with the couple and with me. "It's about Ellie?"

"Well, yeah… kind of."

He turned towards the man and woman. "I'm sorry, but it's about my daughter. You can't blame me for being more worried about her than a business deal. Maybe some other time?"

I squelched a smile at how disgusted the man and woman looked, but they tried to hide it from Mr. Nash. They shook his hand and gave me a nasty look. Yeah, that's right. He chose _me_.

"I hope you don't mind we take the stairs. I never take the elevator."

"Stairs. Fine." How many stairs could there be?

* * *

How many stairs could there be? Try a thousand. Try a _million_. I was practically dripping in sweat by the time I reached his office and collapsed into a chair. He, on the other hand, sauntered on in as if he does this every day. Which he probably does.

"Have to keep fit during the off-season. Can't let being off-duty slow me down. You okay?" He opened a small fridge and took out a water and handed it to me. "Here."

"Thanks."  
"You're lucky I'm seeing you. You're lucky Elisabeth called me and told me to expect you sometime soon. That was an important business deal down there that I just walked away from."

I just blinked.

"But my name is Nash. Meaning I can do whatever the hell I want."

He smirked and picked up his phone. "Cynthia? Hold my calls. Thanks."

He folded his hands in front of him and stared hard at me. "So, I guess you're here to apologize for what happened the other day?"

I took a sip of water and held it in my mouth for a moment. I could take the easy way out and just apologize and have him forgive me and we could go play golf this weekend… Or… I could stick up for myself, risk him hating me, and possibly lose Ellie. Let's see- make Ellie proud or keep my pride? Keep Ellie or my pride?  
"Then again… You're probably here to stick it to me. To tell me you did nothing wrong. Am I right?"

I tried to find my voice. I couldn't.

"Which is it, son?"

"First of all," I began, my teeth chattering slightly. "I am _not_ your son. Second of all, you're right. I am here to stick up for myself. Sure, I made a mistake. But the biggest mistake is made by you- you self-righteous prick who barely lifts a finger and gets billions for it."

He didn't say anything. That's right- stand there.

"I'm also here to stick up for Ellie since she obviously can't do it on her own."

"Don't you _dare_ act as if my daughter doesn't stick up for herself. She sure as hell got away from _you_, didn't she? My daughter will leave your ass before she ever lets you talk about her the way you did the other night."

"Her leaving is temporary. And what I said the other night was the _truth_." My fists shook as I kept myself from punching them into his shiny mahogany desk.

"The truth? The truth is you're a fool. And you don't deserve her."

"You're the fool, you bastard. You don't deserve anything you have," I hissed, taking in his plaques and fancy paintings- just everything in his office was pissing me off. Everything was so expensive and one-of-a-kind. He flaunts it.

"I deserve everything I have! You don't know where the _hell_ I came from!" He bellowed, slamming his fists into his desk.

I took in the way his tanned, youthful face had turned a deep red and the way his eyes were wide with fury- almost insane. A vein in his neck popped out with every word he forced out of his mouth. For once, I wasn't afraid of him because he was wealthy and because he has Ellie's dad. This time, I was afraid because he seriously could kick my ass if he wanted to.

He walked around from his desk and stopped in front of the chair I was sitting in. He placed his hands on the chair arms on either side of me and stared me in the eye. "You think you have it so tough, don't you? Alcoholic parents. Living in a trailer. Hanging out with the wrong crowd? You think I don't hear anything Ellie's told me? She's told me everything. I listened. I remember. You deafened some kind in the ear, so you ran away. You couldn't face up to your actions, huh? Who's the tough guy now? You think you're so _bad_, the way you swagger around like you own the world- like the world owes you something. Well, listen up- the world doesn't owe you a thing. Nobody owes you a thing, except for yourself.

"You think I don't deserve what I have? You think I just sit around here and give orders? You know nothing about me. But just because I'm rich and I can afford to travel around the world and eat out at five-star restaurants doesn't mean that I don't know where you've come from. My parents had nine kids and I lived in an _orphanage_ when I was four with my younger brother and sister for four years of my life before they could afford to have me around. I lived in a room with forty other boys who pissed their beds and cried all night. I barely saw my brother or sister because they were younger and were kept in a different part of the building. That orphanage was a shit hole. It wasn't even government run. My parents didn't understand. They didn't know how terrible that place was. I ate paper to survive. You know what it's like to be so hungry that you eat paper? I bet you don't. I hope you never get to that point.

"But I didn't complain. When my parents visited me, I put that smile on my face and I made sure they didn't leave there feeling that they failed me. And I stayed in school no matter what. I didn't make any excuses. I didn't let myself fail because I wasn't raised in a family for five years. I just tried even harder. I didn't let it hold me back, and I didn't let Elisabeth getting pregnant so young hold me back either. I went and made something of myself. I made my daddy _proud_. So don't you dare say I don't deserve any of this. I've worked my ass off for this, and I've made something of myself. And it's taken my father forty hard years, but he's finally made something of himself, too."

"I-…" I tried to think of something to say. Something decent or intelligent or profound, but there was nothing. What are you supposed to say to something like that? I swallowed hard and tried to think of a way to save some face.

He let go of the chair and walked over to the window. "You're going to finish school, Sean. And you're going to go to college. And you're going to become that doctor you want to be. And you're not going to make any excuses, okay? Because you don't get by on excuses. The world won't give a shit about the boy who beat you up in second grade or field trip to the zoo that you missed unless you make something of yourself."

"Okay." I felt like I should have said "Yes, Sir" but was that really necessary?

"And you hurt my daughter. You humiliated her. Don't you think I know she has a problem? I was there. I heard her. I've seen her. I've known her longer than you have. So don't be all proud of yourself for detecting she has a problem. Anyone who can see can tell that she does. So, you going to help or not?"

"Yes," I mumbled. He stood before me, hands behind back, feet spread- at attention. And I really did feel like I was in the army or something and standing in front of my commanding officer. Or sitting.

I slowly stood up in front of him. It hurts to be put in your place. "I didn't realize your past… I'm sorry." There. I swallowed my pride and apologized. Not really because I felt like I had to, but more like I _wanted_ to.

"It happens. People make assumptions. I made assumptions about you, too."

"You probably thought I was some thug. That I didn't care about Ellie."

"Yeah. I thought that. She set me straight, though."

"Yeah, well…" I looked towards the door. I just want to get out of here. "I should be-…"

"Sean," Mr. Nash picked up a framed photo on his desk and looked at it. "I didn't tell you all that stuff to make you feel guilty. It's a lesson. You can't hate everyone else who has what you want. Sure, there are people out there who just happen to fall into fortune or inherit it. Still, that doesn't mean they don't deserve it. Someone in their family worked hard for it. Right?"

"Right…"

"And there are people out there who work their asses off for it. I told my parents I wouldn't let living in poverty and having all the odds against me bring me down. And I didn't. I rose to the occasion."

"You did," I agreed.

He handed me the picture. "That's my father. He worked hard, too. He didn't really strike it rich until more recently, but still he worked for it and he got it. We believe in the economy and business and ethics and doing the right thing. We both earned our money in honest ways. I've been proud of all of my decisions in life."

I looked at the photo of Mr. Nash when he was a boy and his father. It's hard to think that just even thirty years ago people lived in poverty _this bad_. I handed him back the picture and he looked at it one more time before placing it back onto his desk.

"He's sick right now. My dad."

My eyebrows scrunched together.

"Ellie doesn't know. It'd kill her. So don't mention it," he went on gruffly.

He blinked his eyes a few times and looked at his watch. "Well, I better get going if I'm going to make it in time for dinner. I have a lot more to do."

I nodded and stared at him as he got his things together. He glanced back up at me. "Remember what I said, okay? The world owes you nothing. No one else can bring you down but yourself. Okay?"

"Yes, sir." I immediately felt embarrassed by my military speech. I just wanted to smack myself across the face.

But he smiled.

"Well, uh, thanks for… everything." Thanks for teaching me life lessons? Thanks for putting me in my place? Thanks for scaring the shit out of me? Thanks for… accepting my apology? Did he even accept my apology? Wait… Did I even apologize?

"I'm really sorry for dinner the other night…"

"Hell, things got out of control. It usually does with my family. Don't worry about it."

"And I didn't mean to say that Ellie doesn't stick up for herself."

"I know," he turned off the lights and I followed him to the stairwell. "Ellie makes it pretty clear when she's unhappy. She doesn't take crap from anyone."

_Except you_. Should I even bother mentioning it? "Listen Christian-…"

"You remembered this time!"

"Yeah…" I shrugged nonchalantly. "Not that it's a big deal or anything, but… Ellie doesn't always stick up for herself around you and her mom."

There. It's out now. There's no turning back.

He stiffened, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, she doesn't exactly tell you guys how she feels about some of the things you say or how you treat her or…"

"Be specific, Cameron."

"Like she doesn't want to be a doctor!" I blurted out. "She can't stand seeing others hurting. You know she wouldn't be able to be a doctor and _not_ become attached… And she doesn't want to be a businesswoman. She'd be a hell of a businesswoman, but she doesn't want to do it. She wants to teach or something like that. And she's scared because teachers make barely any money and she thinks you'd be disappointed in her."

He nodded, but didn't say anything.

"And have you _seen_ her on stage?"

He smiled, his grey eyes twinkling. "Yeah, I have. She's amazing isn't she?"  
"Yes, she _is_. And that's my point. Why won't you let Ellie do something she loves to do? I mean, there are so many things she'd be good at, but maybe there's only one thing she _wants_ to do for the rest of her life."

"I never said she couldn't be something other than a doctor or…"

"But _she_ doesn't know that. She feels all this pressure from you and her mom to be the perfect little girl who gets A's in everything and never gets in trouble and goes to medical school and becomes some top physician. And it's not what she wants. And she doesn't think you'll listen to her if she says so."

We reached the main floor and stepped out into the lobby. Mr. Nash looked at me and gripped his briefcase tighter. "I didn't realize she felt that way. I mean, I know I tell everyone she's going to be a doctor and stuff, but that's always been me bragging about her. I'm proud of her, you know?"

"Then you should tell her. Seriously. _Tell her_. She needs to hear it," I coached earnestly.

He nodded, "You're right. Sean, this has been a meeting that has definitely benefited both of us. Wouldn't you say?"

I glanced down the street and saw Tracker heading towards us. "Yeah, it definitely has."

He waved and I started to open the car door.

"Oh, Cameron?"  
I looked over at him.

"Ellie tells me you like cars?"

"Yeah," I mean. "Yes. I do."

"Well, I was going to take you golfing or something, but a few of my friends and I are heading up to a car show this weekend. There's going to be a few classics, but also some new models from Jaguar and Porsche and…"

"_Jaguar_?" I couldn't wipe the stupid smile off of my face. Ever since I was little, I've always dreamed of driving a Jaguar.

"Yeah, it's pretty limited who goes. You want to come along?"

Do I want to spend a day with him? Well, after today, I'm beginning to think he can be a pretty cool guy. A lot of people wouldn't give a shit about me enough to yell at me for that long. Care enough to try and teach me something about life. Usually I'm told there's no use for me- no point in even trying- and I'll never amount to anything. And to hear him say I'm going to graduate from high school, I'm going to go to college, I'm going to be a doctor… That's pretty cool. Maybe our conversation today didn't have a whole lot to do with Ellie, but it was still something I needed to hear. He's right- I have been blaming the world for my crappy hands. I've been putting it all on everyone else. When really it's me who has to take control of my life and steer it towards where I want to go. _I'm_ in control.

"That'd be cool," I tried to play it off as if it were no big deal.

He smiled and started walking backwards. "I'll give you a call later with the details. So, yeah, it'll be… cool."

**Ellie**

"Do you think he's going to call me?" I checked my cell phone one more time to make sure it was on.

Alex groaned and threw a few cans of spaghettios into the shopping cart. I was helping her do the grocery shopping for her mom. Not like I have anything better to do, right? Plus, I really need some advice right now.

"Ellie, chill. He's going to call. You and Sean are like magnets. Sometimes you repel, sometimes you attract."

"Wow," I responded sarcastically. "I love being compared to a _magnet_. What if I always want to attract?"

"Not going to happen. You two will always have your little fights. Every couple does."

"Wise words, Alex. But I don't really buy it. Sean and I are going to reach that plateau where we never argue. You'll see." I picked up an apple and scrutinized it.

"Woah, woah, woah…" Alex took the apple from me and set it back down with all the others. "Are you still into this whole perfection thing?"

"What do you mean?"  
"You know what I mean. This whole- I can make everything perfect, you'll see- type of thing? Because if you are, fat chance." She laughed and threw a few apples into a bag, tying it up with one of those twisty things.

I pouted sullenly for a little bit before snapping back to attention. "It's not as impossible as you think. It's going to happen."

"Listen Ellie, I really admire you're idealistic views. Seriously. Because I could never be as… unreal as you are… but you have to think realistically once in awhile. Nobody has a perfect relationship. Including you and Sean."

What is she talking about? Of course people can have a perfect relationship. It's called true love. It's called finding that one person who loves everything about you- even your faults. I know Sean loves everything about me- even if I get overly critical sometimes and if I can be moralizing bitch at others… He loves it. I mean, how can he not? And I love him for everything he is, even the annoying parts of him who leave his dirty socks everywhere and always leave the toilet seat up.

"I know what you're thinking- what does Alex know about relationships? I mean, I _am_ dating Jay… I've had enough experience with arguing and the ups and downs… I should write a freaking book, I know so much about being part of a couple. So, listen to me- You're going to argue. You're going to have huge fights even. But that's what keeps it interesting! And, Nash, sorry to say this- but you're the one who's _always_ starting the fights."

"I am not!"

"Yeah, you are. Hate to break it to you, but you start it all. Maybe not intentionally, but you do."

I folded my arms against my chest and clenched my jaw. I do _not_ start the fights. Do I? I mean, I sure as hell didn't start this last one. Then again, if I wasn't so messed up in the first place, Sean would never have to reveal that I have an eating disorder to his parents. But I can't blame myself for that, can I? It's not like I meant to be inflicted with this. I never asked to be so obsessed with my body.

"Sean did a shitty thing when he told his parents about you, but it's not like he meant to hurt you. And believe me, if Sean didn't love you, he would have dropped you by now. Take it from someone who's known Sean longer; he doesn't let just anyone order him around. And he lets _you_ order him around. That means a lot. And he barely trusts anyone, but he trusts you. And do you know that you're the first girl since Emma who's really made him laugh? I mean, _really laugh_. He loves you, Ellie. And as much as you two make me sick, you're also kind of inspiring at the same time."

I sighed and felt a sick feeling grow in my stomach. She's right. Sean _does_ really love me. He's proven it to me so many times before. And I've been so caught up in making this whole relationship perfect, that I've barely put enough time into it to make it just _work_.

"You know what I think?" Alex stopped pushing the cart and smirked at me.

"What do you think?" I asked nervously. Here it comes. Alex is going to psychoanalyze me. I just know it.

"You're scared."

"Scared?" I laughed. "What would I be scared of?"

"You've been hurt in the past. I don't know by who or to what extent, but you've been hurt. You've let boys walk all over you. And you don't trust girls. For some reason, you don't trust us women. And you're scared to be hurt again. So you're constantly pushing Sean away just as he gets close. Am I right?"

"That's bullshit," I muttered angrily.

"Well, from the way you're acting- I can tell I hit it right in the bulls eye. What happened? What made you so scared to be in a relationships?"

"I'm not scared of relationships. God!" I was starting to get defensive. The biggest give-away. Good going, Nash. "Look, okay… Maybe you're right. Maybe I am scared to get hurt again. I've had some awful stuff happen to me when I was younger. Stuff I wouldn't wish on my biggest enemy, okay?"

"Like what?" Alex sounded concerned.

She really is my friend. I used to think of her as just Jay's girlfriend. And since I was dating Sean and since Sean and Jay are best friends, we just naturally were around each other. But she really is my friend.

"I don't want to get into the torrid details, okay?" I laughed it off.

"Okay…" Alex gave me a look and started towards the front of the store. "But you know you can tell me anything, right?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Good. Ellie… don't stay mad at Sean, okay? He made a mistake. He's human. And he's not perfect. No matter how much you want him to be, he's not. And you guys are going to have a _baby_ soon! You should be happy." She flashed me a rare smile.

I ducked my head to the side and looked at the magazines as she started putting groceries on the register belt. She's right. She's totally right. I need to stop complaining and start making this relationship work. From now on, I can't get upset about everything- even if it really hurts me.

And what happened at dinner _really_ hurt me.

"Hey lazyass, start helping!" Alex pinched my arm and brought me back to the present.

"Oh, yeah…" I started helping her put groceries on the belt. "So you really think I should forgive Sean?" Normally I wouldn't ask for a second opinion- I do what I want… _but_, this is Sean. So, I definitely need to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

Alex let out an exasperated sigh and slammed a two liter of Mountain Dew onto the belt. "Yeah, princess. I do."

I smiled slightly. Things are back to normal now. Alex is back to her sarcastic self who doesn't feel the need to give me constant relationship advice. But at least the advice was good advice. I really should listen to her more.

**Okay, I revised this chapter a tad. Thanks Maibe Josie for pointing out my mistake! **

**comment/suggestions please! thanks!**


	22. Ballad for the Lost Romantics

**Chapter 22: Ballad for the Lost Romantics**

**Tracker**

"So," I began as I flipped the grilled cheese in the pan. "Things went well with Ellie's dad?" I glanced over at Sean, who was laying back on the couch, throwing a mini football up in the air.

"Yeah, it was actually... okay."

"That's good."

"Yeah, it is."

"So... that's all you're going to tell me? What did he say? What did _you_ say?" I placed his grilled cheese sandwich on a plate and handed it to him. "There you go, bro. Eat up."

"Thanks." He took a hug bite out of it and mumbled his compliments. He swallowed and set the plate on his stomach. "He just gave me some advice."

"About...?"

"Since when did you become so nosy? I never knew Tracker Cameron was such a gossip. You and Ellie will get along beautifully."

"I can't imagine her really caring about anyone's business other than her own."

My little brother let out a huge laugh and gasped for air. "_God_, you really don't know her. Believe me, that girl can get into anyone's business. She just _weasel's_ her way in without you even noticing. And then she'll tell you _exactly_ what you should do, and if you don't follow her advice, she'll get all offended and give you the cold shoulder and-..."

I rolled my eyes and flopped down into the chair opposite the couch. "Hey bro, hate to break it to you, but I don't need that much information."

"I was just telling you how she is. I mean, you don't even know her and she's going to be giving birth to your nephew soon. You really should get to know her. The quirks might drive you crazy at first. Seriously, they just might. But, all in all, she's a good girl. She can have the most wicked sense of humor you've ever even heard before in-..."

"You really love her, don't you?" I couldn't help but let a sincere smile stretch itself across my face. I've never heard Sean talk this way about a girl. He's never even mentioned girls to me before. Now, I can't get him to shut up about Ellie Nash.

Sean gave me a weird look and took another bite of his grilled cheese. "Yeah, I love her," he responded, as if it was the most stupid question he'd ever heard in his life.

"Yeah, I know that. I'm just saying you _really_ love her. I can tell."

"How can you tell? I can't even tell half the time. Half the time I want to strangle her..."

"Sean, you'll learn someday that there are some people who just _know_ this sort of thing. You're gone. You're completely gone."

"Gone from where?"

"It's an expression- meaning you're definitely in it with her."

"In it?"

"In love. Attached. I don't know, man!" I shook my head with annoyance at the blank look on Sean's face. "Just the way you talk about her. You're whole face lights up."

"It does not."

"Yeah, it does."

"Whatever."

"And just the _way_ you say it."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... Enough about it. You're making me sound like I'm some lovesick puppy. Which I'm _not_."

"Yeah, _sure_," I teased.

He rolled his eyes and became grumpy all of a sudden.

"It's not a bad thing, Sean."

"Bad thing what?"

"To be in love."

"Who said it was?"

"Well, just the way you're acting. You're all defensive. I'm your big bro! You can tell me anything."

He sighed and sat up, wiping his hands on his knees. "I know, but... this is really new to me. I mean, this girl makes me feel things I never thought I'd feel. If you told me two years ago that I'd be having a baby at this age and be _fine_ with it, I would have you beat your ass down. And before, if I was dating some girl with baggage like Ellie has, I'd drop her in a second. But this is _Ellie_, man."

I held up my hands and laughed, "I know, I know! It's Ellie. I can't believe wannabe-gangsta Sean is spilling his soul to me right now."

"Shut the hell up," but he smiled.

"Well, I don't really know what else to tell you, Sean, except- don't let her go. No matter what, don't let someone who makes you feel this good go. Don't do it."

"So, I should call her?"

"Nah, calling is overrated. Go _get_ her."

Sean gave me a weak smile and shrugged. "Yeah, I will."

"Will?"

"Later."

I lifted an eyebrow but didn't say anything. Obviously, my little brother is in deep love, but is also a little confused about the whole situation still. I guess me reassurances didn't really... reassure him. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as his eyebrows scrunched together slightly and he stared at the TV in confusion. I don't know a lot about Ellie, but hopefully she's ambitious. Because she sure as hell is going to have to make the first move.

**Ellie**

I set the last piece of china down on the table and stood back to appreciate my table settings. Looks pretty damn good, if I say so myself. Maybe it's a little empty... only three settings... but it still looks pretty.

"Did you finish?" my mom came in, head down and papers in hand.

"Yeah. How does it look?" I stood back and watched my mom as she glanced up quickly.

"Fine," she commented shortly.

The smile fell from my face, and I leaned back against the china cabinet.

"Ellie!" my mom frowned. "Don't knock the cabinet over!"

I stepped forward and folded my arms defiantly. Like I was _really_ going to knock over the china cabinet...

My mom noticed the look on my face and rubbed a hand over my hair. "The table looks beautiful. I'm glad you picked out that china."

I felt a little better. "What time is dad coming home?"

"Soon. He's picking up some groceries for dinner."

I can't help but smile at the thought of my dad coming home with groceries. It's been forever since I've watched him cook dinner. I remember when I was little he used to perch me up on the block counter in the kitchen, and I'd just sit there and watch his every move as he chopped vegetables and strained pasta and made me little pancakes in the shape of woody woodpecker and mickey mouse.

"You're lucky, you know?"

I looked up into my mom's face. She placed a hand on the small bulge in my stomach.

"When I was pregnant with you, I was much bigger than you are now. I was waddling everywhere."

I scrunched up my nose at the thought. Yeah, thank God I didn't have a huge belly. That would be mortifying. My mom rubbed my stomach a little and stood back smiling. I stared in amazement at the _real_ smile on her face. She was actually smiling- not just one of those half-ass smiles she likes to give out.

"I don' t know..." she started. "I kind of liked being so big and letting everyone know I was having a baby. It's pretty... amazing, isn't it? The whole pregnancy and birthing process. Painful, but amazing. Well, I guess you'll see."

I nodded silently. Secretly I was scared to death of giving birth. Hopefully someone will be kind enough to just knock me out until it's over. There's no way I can ever express my fears, though. I'm the strong one. I'm not allowed to be scared. Inside, though, my stomach is in knots thinking about the future and what it'll bring.

The front door opened and closed in the foyer, and I turned around to greet my dad. He came in carrying a few grocery bags and kissed me on the head before bringing my mom towards him for a lingering kiss.

"Hey," he whispered to her.

"Hey," she whispered back.

I smiled and quietly slipped out of the kitchen to give them a little privacy. My dad would call me when he was ready to get started on dinner. I walked into the living room and turned the TV on, trying to focus on something other than my baby and Sean. But as I flipped through music videos and various newscasts, my thoughts kept coming back to what Alex had said earlier.

You know, she's right. As much as I hate to say it- I'm completely wrong. Okay, maybe not _completely_ because I did have a valid reason to be upset, but maybe I shouldn't have blown up at Sean the way I did. The way I always do it seems.

"Ellie! I'm making dinner!"

I turned the TV off and scrambled into the kitchen just as my dad was pulling out everything he needed from the grocery bags and the refrigerator. He had put on his chef's apron and had a big grin on his face.

"Wanna help?" he glanced at me as he pulled out a sharp knife from a drawer. "You can chop the vegetables."

I took the knife and stood in front of the cutting board. "What are we having?"

"I thought we'd make some sauteed vegetables, some brown rice, and orange chicken?"

I gave him a wan smile and started chopping up a potato. I know I'm supposed to help cook meals to deal with my... problem... but just _thinking_ about making the dinner was stressing me out.

"How was school?"

"Fine," I lied. "Rather uneventful."

"Yeah, sometimes it is. How's yearbook going?"

My dad actually remembers that I'm editor of yearbook this year? Wow! "We're making a lot of progress. Of course I'm going to have to work on it over the summer a little because of the seniors graduating and everything, but it shouldn't take too much more time."

"That's good. You're going to have to start taking it a little easy. So... have you talked to Sean today?"

I gave my dad a look and set down the knife with a sigh. "No... I don't think he wants to talk to me right now."

"Why's that?"

"_Dad_! You _know_ why."

"That whole dinner thing? Ages ago. Are you really going to let something like that get in the way of you two?"

I chewed my bottom lip thoughtfully. Everyone's telling me to get back with him. But it's not like we're exactly apart in the first place. We're still _together_, just... in different places right now. I crossed over to the kitchen counter and hoisted myself up on it, placing my feet on one of the bar stools in front of me.

"Okay, so how do you think I should go about this?" I decided to humor my dad. Let's see what advice he has for me.

"Ellie, you don't need me to tell you what to do. Go talk to him. Figure this whole thing out. A relationship is all about compromises and honesty and trust, remember?"

"I know, I know." I can't even begin to explain how many times I've heard this speech come from my dad's mouth. I feigned annoyance as I hung onto every word my dad said.

"It's obvious he cares about you. And I know you care about him, too. El-boo, he came to see me today at the office."

"_What?_" He went to see my dad? Oh God... I can only imagine the way that conversation went... Sean and my dad are both stubborn and completely opinionated. A shudder ran through my body as I imagined them lunging at each other from across the room.

My dad laughed and craned his head to look at me from the stove, "Relax! We had a decent conversation. And I think we're okay with each other now."

"What?" My jaw dropped and I tried to think of something more to say. "So, you two actually... got along?"

"Yeah, surprisingly."

My dad wasn't offering anymore details. He continued to fix dinner and ignore the shocked expression on my face.

"Dad!" I squealed.

"What?" He chuckled, shaking his head slightly.

I hopped down and stood next to him, my hands wrapping around his upper arm. "What did he say? Did he defend me? Did he say anything mean about me? Or was he nice? Did he say he still loves me? Did he say he misses me? How did he look? Did he look exhausted- like he was up all night? Or did he look good? I mean, you have to give me the details, dad. I have to know!"

"Let's see. He seemed perfectly fine. He was laughing and smiling. He told me that he's doing great and still feels the same way he did at dinner and..."

"Are you _kidding_ me? That _jerk_! That complete _jerk_! He's _not_ supposed to be happy without me! He's supposed to be suffering without me around! Did he seriously say he feels the same way?" I was furious. Livid. This is now how I expected it. This whole vacation from each other for a few days thing was supposed to strengthen his love for me. He's supposed to come seek me out on his knees and beg me to come back to the apartment. He's supposed to shower me with compliments about how smart I am and how I'm always right and how he's always wrong and...

"Yeah, I am just kidding," my dad admitted, a twinkle in his eye.

"Daddy!" I groaned. I playfully socked him in the shoulder. "That was a horrible trick to play on me. So, what did he say?"

"He loves you. He's sorry. He's worried about you. He wants you back. And, uh, he really cares about you, El. Really."

I lifted a corner of my mouth into a satisfied smile. "So, did he look like a wreck?" I asked hopefully.

"Complete wreck. It looked like he hadn't slept or showered in weeks!"

"Ew. Well, at least he's paying for it, right?" I had to keep myself from smiling at the image of a completely unkempt Sean Cameron. God, that's a sexy image...

"So, now that your every desire has come true- get back to those veggies!" my dad ordered.

I saluted, "yes, sir!"

* * *

I slowly lifted the forkful of roasted carrots and potatoes to my mouth. _How many calories is this bite? How many crunches will it take to burn this off? Maybe I should just skip my meals tomorrow..._

Stop it, Nash. Get over yourself.

I lifted the fork to my mouth with a new resolve. I was going to eat this bite no matter what. I didn't realize I had set the fork down until my mom gave me a concerned look.

"Ellie?"

I raised my eyes and looked at her and then at my full plate of food. How long had passed since I had sat down for dinner? A glance at the clock told me a good forty minutes. And my plate was still full. It's taken me over forty minutes to lift that stupid fork to my mouth and then drop it.

"Sorry," I muttered, embarrassed at my weakness.

"It's okay." She placed a comforting hand on my wrist and squeezed slightly. "Work at your own pace."

I can't work at my own pace, though, because I have a baby to take care of. My baby needs those carrots and potatoes. And my baby needs me to eat this chicken and this rice. All I want to do is throw my napkin on the table and lock myself into my bedroom, but I can't.

I reached for the fork and tried again. This time I managed to slowly place the fork in my mouth and chew slowly on the carrots. They tasted like mush in my mouth. And I _love_ carrots... I sighed and tapped the prongs of the fork against my plate. _Ting. Ting. Ting. Ti-_

"Ellie," my mom said sharply. She lifted an eyebrow and I stopped clinking my utensil and plate.

My dad cleared his throat and set his fork down. "So... Sean brought up something interesting today in my office."

I looked at my dad in shock. _Now_ he's going to reveal what Sean said? I quickly looked at my mom to see her expression. Nothing. She didn't look mad or angry or anything. Did she already know that Sean went and saw Dad?

"What's that, dear?" she rested her chin in her hand and leaned forward expectantly.

"Well," my dad began. "He brought to my attention the subject of destiny. You know?"

"Destiny?" I asked, incredulously. Sean was talking about destiny? I'd pay to hear that.

"Well, not exactly _destiny_, but the future. And I don't know if you're suited to be a doctor, El-boo. Seriously."

What? _What?_ Did my dad really just say I shouldn't be a doctor? I slowly strangled my napkin in my lap. Where exactly is this conversation going? What exactly did Sean say? If he even told my dad that I should-

"I think Ellie should do something different. Maybe something like teaching? Or maybe even making films?" My dad looked at me sideways and gave a discreet wink.

A smile burst across my face.

"Teaching?" my mom's face dropped. "But Christian, she might as well go live on the streets! There is no way Ellie could live the lifestyle she's used to on a teacher's salary. I mean, it's definitely an honorable thing to do, but... what are the _benefits_ of it?"

A scowl fell across my face.

My mom turned to me and started to talk in her "adult" voice. I hate when she talks to me like I'm some child. "Ellie, you don't really want to teach, do you? Wouldn't you rather do something like open your own successful business or be a rich lawyer? There are so many things you could do in life that wouldn't resort you to such low income."

"Elisabeth, maybe Ellie doesn't care about money. I mean, maybe she-..."

"How can you even say she doesn't care about money? This is the girl who used to _sell herse_-..."

"Ohmigod!" I cried out, pushing away from the table and standing up. "Can you _please_ not bring that up? God! Can you, for once, not judge me on my past mistakes? I screwed up! So does every other kid!"

"Ellie, not every other kid is sleeping around and having guys pay her to-..."

"Mom!" I held onto my chair and gritted my teeth. "_Please_!"

My mom rolled her eyes but stopped talking.

"Think about it, Elisabeth. Ellie won't be the doctor or lawyer- she'll be the person _behind_ the doctor or lawyer. The woman who _made_ them who they are. Isn't that exciting?"

"Well, when you put it _that_ way. It sounds like a nice power trip- make people into what you want them to be. It _does_ have a nice ring to it."

"I wouldn't be making people into what _I_ want them to be, mother. It's what they want to be."

"Minor detail, El." My mom waved my opinion away, and I slumped back into my chair.

"And just think about it, in her spare time she can write award-winning scripts and direct Oscar-winning movies! She could even star in a few and get an award herself. She'd be like an Audrey Hepburn or a Lauren Bacall!"

"I _like_ Audrey Hepburn and Lauren Bacall!" my mom looked like the bird who ate the canary. "And who else but us would she think in her speeches? After all, we're the ones who suggested she give up her dream of being a doctor and instead wri-..."

"You're joking, aren't you?" I cut in. "You seriously did not just say what I think you said, did you?"

My mom gave an annoyed noise and looked over at me. "Ellie, what?"

"Did you seriously just say _you_ told me to give up on being a doctor? To, instead, pursue Hollywood and the classroom? Because you didn't."

"Min-..."

"I know," I interjected. "Minor details... Go on," I sighed and sat back, watching as my parents slowly built my entire future to the tiniest detail.

"Of course she'll wear green when she receives her first Oscar..."

**Sean**

"Jay, get the door!" I shouted after the doorbell rang. I was way too lazy to get my ass off of the couch to answer it. Instead, I chose to continue to lie down on the sofa in a pair of shorts with a coke can resting on my stomach. My fingers were resting in the open bag of Cheetos, ready to grab a handful at a moment's notice. It was probably just my parents dropping by to say Hi or something.

"Oh, hello... _Ellie_," Jay's voice carried from the entry way.

"Shit!" I whispered, pulling my hand out of the Cheetos bag, slamming the can down on the coffee table, and standing up before Jay could unblock Ellie's view. Why the hell is she here? She should have called...

I looked down at my baggy shorts and the mess that covered the apartment. In one day, I had managed to completely destroy everything in my apartment- with Jay's help.

"Um, hi _Jay_. Why are you acting dumb?" she barked, pushing past him. I watched as her eyes narrowed and then widened at the site in front of her.

"Listen, El. I can explain-..." I began.

"_Sean!_ What the hell happened?" she screeched, grasping onto the nearby banister for support. She shot a disgusted look at the empty pizza boxes and dirty dishes spread out everywhere as well as my dirty gym clothes tossed around the room. "I leave you for _five seconds_ and this is what happens?"

She toured the room, picking at every single wrong thing I had done. "Dishes belong in the sink, your gym clothes belong in the washer, throw away trash, there is _mud_ caked into the carpet right here, and there are books all- Oh. My. God."

I closed my eyes and waited for it. It's coming. Oh, it's definitely coming... I braced myself for the verbal attack that was sure to come.

"What the _hell_ is my book doing in this disgusting bowl of macaroni! It should be catalogued in between- nevermind, who cares where it should be catalogued... the fact is, why is it sitting in a bowl of macaroni?"

"Um, I, uh..." I tried to think of a reasonable explanation rather than the pitiful one of my attempt to upset her- which worked. But it's not like I'm happy about it now.

"Seany decided it'd piss you off. So he threw it in there. Didn't you, Seany?" Jay smirked and crossed his arms.

Ellie snapped her attention from Jay back to me. "Cute. Real cute. Hmmm. It looks like _all_ of my books are spread around. Not in order. Like they should be. Same goes for my movies. And I bet if I opened up the pantry, all the cereal boxes would be out of order too, wouldn't they?"

I nodded sheepishly. She's good. She's real good.

She put her hands on her hips and began to saunter around the room again, making little noises to everything she found disagreeable. She started towards the bedroom and I hurried to catch up with her.

"Before you go in there, I just want to tell you that I was just cleaning out my drawers. That's it."

She kicked open the door and pursed her lips. "Yeah, and you did a great job. I'm happy to see that all of my belongings are carelessly thrown in a corner. Real considerate..."

"Ellie, I only did it because-..."

"This just settles it."

"Settles what?"

Ellie shook her head in disbelief and threw her hands to her side. "That I have to move back in. You just can't handle living by yourself."

I clamped my mouth down tight to keep myself from grinning. She's moving back in. She's moving back in. My heart pounded and I swear I got a little light-headed with excitement.

"You're life is just a total wreck, Sean, without me. I'm really doing you a service here," she sighed and glanced around the room. "So, what do you think?"

I looked into her big hazel eyes and shrugged nonchalantly. "You do what you have to do..." I played it off cool.

So did she.

But as our eyes met again, a flash of smile spread across both of our faces before we both squelched it. This is how it's going to be. She'd go on pretending to be mad at me for a little while longer. I'd go on pretending as if I really don't care if she comes back or not. Jay will tell us to just go ahead and jump each other already. We'll head for bed later on and, as soon as we get under the covers, I'll pull her towards me and hold her the entire night as we talk about how much we missed each other and how we could barely live without each other...

And right before we fall asleep we'll remind ourselves that we were only apart for a day.

**so there it is. sorry it took so long for this chapter. things have been hectic! i hope you enjoy it! next chapter- sean/ellie talk about their fight, tracker/ellie bonding, and who knows what else... if you have any suggestions on who you'd like to see if the next chapter, i'm always willing to listen! thanks for the awesome reviews!**


	23. Hello Old Friend

**Chapter 23: Hello Old Friend**

**Ellie**

I warily glanced around the room and placed my hands back on my hips. This was going to take awhile. Sean had seriously messed the house up in a matter of twenty-four hours. I cleared my throat and got to business. "Okay, Sean. This is how we're going to do it. I'll get my clothes off of the floor and put them away while you make the bed and get all of your dishes out of the bedroom. Then we'll just straighten it up a little- dust, vacuum, and whatever else it needs. Then we'll head to the living room and clean that up. Then the kitchen. And the last stop will be the bathroom. Got it?"

"The bathroom? The bathroom is fine."

"Ha! With you and Jay using it? I don't think so. I'm already preparing to use a gas mask and heavy duty gloves." I clapped my hands and bent over to start picking up my clothes off the floor.

"This is so dumb. The bed's just going to get used again tonight... Hopefully in more ways than one..." Sean glanced at me and wiggled his eyebrows.

I frowned in response. "Do you think I _enjoy_ cleaning? I hate it. Haven't you ever seen _my _room?"

"Exactly! So why does my room have to be cleaned?"

"Because... Because..."

"Uh-huh..."

"Because I said so. That's why!" I realized at the last second who I sounded like.

"You know, you just sounded just like your mom."

"Shut up, Sean!" I gave a little pout and folded up a shirt. "Just start cleaning. Please."

He grunted, but started to pull the sheets and covers up on the bed. I watched him work as I folded a pair of pants. The muscles in his arms rippled with every move I made and I smiled appreciatively at them. It was going to feel _amazing_ being held in those arms tonight.

"Whatcha looking at, Ellie?" Sean smirked at me in the midst of his work.

"Oh, nothing," I sang coyly. A faint blush spread across my cheeks and I turned around again, not ready to give him the satisfaction that I was thinking naughty thoughts about him just now.

I sensed Sean's warmth behind me before I felt his hands on my shoulders, lightly caressing them. I moaned softly in approval and leaned back into his chest, allowing him to work out all the knots that had gathered in my neck and shoulders in the past few days.

"Does that feel good?"

"Yes," I sighed. I closed my eyes and smiled to myself.

His lips brushed against the back of my neck softly before nuzzling his face into my braids.

"Okay, Sean. Back to cleaning."

"You're cruel," Sean groaned, circling his arms around me and crushing me against him.

"Sean!" I squealed, trying to get out of his grasp, but he lifted me up and carried me over to the bed before pinning me down.

"Ellie!" he imitated before crawling over me and trailing kisses down my neck.

I gave him a weak fight, half wanting him to stop and half wanting him to keep going. Finally, I gave in and kissed him back hard- making up for all the kisses I hadn't been able to give him last night. He moaned into my mouth and welcomed me home.

"Ee!" I shrieked when he started to tickle me lightly on my sides. "Sean!" I giggled as his hands dug into my armpits. "Sean! Stop! You're going to hurt-..."

"_You're going to hurt the baby!_" Jay pranced in and squealed in a high-pitched voice. "_Sean!_ _Ooh!_" He put his hands on either side of his face and stuck his bottom lip out, letting it quiver. He shook his head in annoyance before muttering "get a room!" and going back into the kitchen.

Sean and I stared at each other for a second before bursting into laughter. I'm sort of glad I let Jay move in with us. He sure provides entertainment 24/7. We sat up and straightened our clothing. "Well," I began. "We should probably get back to-..."

"Cleaning. Got it." Sean nudged me off of the bed and straightened it back up. "Dishes to kitchen. Dust everything. Yes ma'am."

**Jay**

"Yup, Ellie's back!" I shouted as I took in the immaculate living room- organized DVDs and all. I opened the kitchen pantry and looked inside. "Labels facing out. Cereal in order. All the silver is polished..."

"Give it a rest!" Ellie popped her head out of the bedroom and stuck her tongue out at me.

"Real mature, Nash."

"Just taking after you, Hogart."

I shook my head and huffed around the kitchen, not knowing exactly what I wanted to do next. I could eat something, but I just ate something ten minutes ago. I could watch TV, but I just checked the station _five_ minutes ago and nothing was on. I sighed and flopped down on the couch, next to Sean who was looking at some car magazine.

"Man, this place is _dull_."

"Sorry my place is so _dull_ but you can leave whenever you want."

"And deal with that monster in there you call a girlfriend? She'd make sure I had my homework finished first or something."

"Her name is Ellie, and she's only human. She doesn't control you."

"Yeah, well, that's what she wants you to think," I remarked in a mysterious voice. "But then there's the mind control..."

"Mind control?" Sean looked up, interested now.

"Yeah, _mind control_. Haven't you noticed? Every time you guys get into a fight- you always end up apologizing, saying _exactly_ what she wants you to say. And now, you actually do your homework by your own freewill. Don't you think that's weird? I'm telling you, man- she's _controlling_ you with her _mind_."

"Now that you mention it... She does get her way a lot. You really think she's- you know?"

"Yeah," I nodded my head, solemn. "I saw a special on it on TV once. It's really sick how they get inside your head and send you messages through like their eyes and, like, lobes in their brains or something..."

As if on cue, _she_ walked into the living room from the bedroom. Sean and I gave each other a look before slowly following her every movement with our eyes. We watched as she walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water before sitting down in front of the computer and checking her e-mail. After five minutes, she logged off and picked up some stupid baby book and started to read it Sean's armchair that had ultimately been given up for _her_ to sit in only.

She read a few lines before snapping her head up and fixing us with a glare. "What are you doing?" she accused.

"Nothing," we quickly answered in unison.

She rolled her eyes and pulled her legs up to sit Indian-style. "Okay, Sean. I'm going to read you what the baby's up to this week. Week 27- This week your baby weighs almost two pounds and is about 14.4 inches long. He now opens and closes his eyes and sleeps and wakes up at regular intervals. He may sucks his fingers, and, although his lungs are still developing, they may function with assistance. If Mommy feels a tickle in her tummy, that may be the baby hiccuping! Most importantly, his brain is very active now. As for Mommy, her back and legs will continue to ache. Try flexing your foot or massaging your calves to help ease the pain. There."

"Interesting," I marveled sarcastically. I stole Sean's car magazine from him and flipped through it quickly.

"Whatever. Now, my next project..."

We both watched as she opened the small closet and pulled down a carrying case from the top shelf. Sean moved to get up and help her, but she had already succeeded in getting it down and safely in her arms. As she carried it back to the chair, the kittens- or what normal people would consider _cats_- scampered around her feet. She giggled and bent down to pet them.

"So, what _is_ your next project?" I decided to humor her. Then I remembered that I had done _just_ what she wanted me to do. She wanted me to ask about her new project. She wanted me to be curious. Dammit!

"I'm making a documentary on Sean becoming a dad. You know, a teenaged boy becoming a father. Usually the focus is on the mom, but I'd much rather know what Sean's thinking, since he barely ever talks about it." She shot a frustrated look at Sean as she put a tiny DVD into the video camera and juiced it up.

"Um, did I agree to this?" Sean held up his hand, trying to block his face.

"You don't have much of a choice." She shot him a saccharine sweet smile and pressed Record. "Sean, say something to the camera."

"Uh... hi?"

I laughed and leaned back on the couch. This is too much. Just way too much.

"Okay, then... Jay, say something to the camera."

"Okay," I leaned forward. "This is for the baby- baby, know now that your mother is _nuts_. Hear that? _Nuts_!"

"Jay!" Ellie turned the camera off and rewound it. "Thanks a lot."

"I don't want to start lying to the kid before he's even here. Would that be good for the baby?"

She shot me a nasty look and started the camera up again. "Okay, here we go again: Sean, what was your reaction when you first realized that I was pregnant?"

"_Shit_."

Sean and I burst out laughing as Ellie clenched her jaw and put the camera down. "Real mature."

"You wanted my honest reaction."

"Yeah, well I didn't think it'd be so heartless. So, if you two hyenas don't mind- I'm going to go in the bedroom and be _by myself_."

"Goodnight Princess!" I cried out as she walked behind the couch into the living room. She whacked the side of my head with her palm and slammed the door. "Hey!" I called out, rubbing where she hit me.

Sean looked at me thoughtfully. "So... you really think she knows mind control?"

**Sean**

I quietly opened the door a few hours later and shuffled my way in, careful not to wake Ellie up if she was sleeping. She wasn't. She looked up from her seated position on the bed and raised her eyebrows. "Yeah?"

"What are you doing?" I threw myself onto the bed and looked at the notebook in front of her.

"How do you know this isn't my personal diary?"

"Because I know what that looks like. And I've already read it," I teased. She wasn't amused.

"Ha. Funny. This is an article for the Grapevine."

"What is it about?"

"Well, I got the idea from Emma, actually. Did you know that when Emma's mom was pregnant at Degrassi, they actually made her leave school?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. The school board didn't want her around because she was a 'bad influence'. Isn't that crazy? How things have changed, huh?"

"Yeah." I scratched my head and picked up one of the papers. "So, what exactly is your article about?"

"Just about that whole ordeal and how things have changed these days. The options pregnant women have, rights of the father, stuff like that."

"Sounds interesting. Looks good, well-written..." I nodded my head in approval as I looked over her article and gave my pointless advice.

"Thanks." She put the papers into a pile and set them on the floor next to the bed. "So, we should probably talk."

"About what?" I played dumb. I really didn't want to talk about what happened. Haven't I talked about it enough with her mom and dad? I'd rather we just forget the whole stupid thing and never look back.

"Don't, Sean. Listen, I don't really want to talk about this either-..."

"So then let's don't."

"_But_ we have to. Otherwise, we'll just keep making the same mistakes over and over again. So, how about we do this: I talk first- I get out what I want to say. And then you can talk."

"How come you talk first?"

"You can talk first if you want to."

"No, I don't."

"Okay, then. I'll talk first." She pulled lightly on one of her braids and let out a deep sigh. "I've already forgiven you for what you said, okay? And I think after we talk about it, I could probably forget all about it. But I want you to understand why I was so upset."

"I _do_ understand, Els!" I pushed.

"Don't interrupt me. Let me talk. I was upset, Sean, because I _trusted_ you, and you really let me down. You just don't seem sympathetic towards the fact that I'm _trying_ here, but it's hard. It's hard work to stop doing something I've been doing since I can remember, okay? You just seem to get frustrated with me because I can't go and eat a three-course meal right now. And then you get mad at me because I stand up for my parents. _Of course_, I'm going to stand up for my parents. You just always seem to blame everyone else for your problems! And then you have to tell everyone _my_ problems to make yourself look better!" her voice rose at the last part and she was shaking slightly.

"Are you finished?" I asked softly.

She shook her head. "There are so many more things I want to say that I don't know how to express. I just don't know how to say it."

I held one of her hands. "Believe me, you don't have to say anything. I can just look at you and know what you're feeling. You are so-... You're face is so... It says a lot."

She bent her head down and looked at our hands. "Okay, you?" she looked back up at me.

"Me?" I coughed and looked around the room. "I don't know, Els... Can't we just go to sleep or... _something_..." I wiggled my eyebrows, but she wasn't amused.

"Sorry," I apologized after seeing the disappointed look on her face. "Okay, you want to hear it?"

She nodded and sat up straighter.

"Fine, I'll tell you. I _am_ frustrated. Because I'm always the bad guy. I can never do anything right. I'm the guy who needs his girlfriend to help him do everything- to pass a test, to pay rent, to keep myself from stealing things and... It's just stressful feeling like I can't do anything without your approval or like I can't do anything wrong because you might leave me. I hate having to live _my_ life under _your_ rules. Or your _parents_'s rules. I'm seventeen, Ellie. I don't need another mom. You just think you can do whatever you want and it's always the right thing! Well, maybe it's the right thing for _you_, but not for me. I know how to take care of myself. So I stole stuff, so I drank a lot- I'm not a bad person. But you act like I am!"

"Sean, I-..."

"Don't _you_ interrupt _me_! I can't stand the fact that I'm constantly worrying about you. Why can't you just be _okay_? Why do you have to cut, why do you have to starve yourself, why do you constantly put yourself into situations where you're always stressed out about something? I don't want to take care of you the rest of my life- I want to have to fun with you. But I'm going to have a baby soon, and I won't be able to have fun anymore. I have never had so many responsibilities in my life until the day I met you. This isn't normal."

I stopped to catch my breath. I can't believe I had just released all of that pent up anger. I had been carrying that around with me for a long time. But I had to take care of Ellie and make sure she was okay, so I couldn't show her it. I couldn't be the weak one in the relationship because she already was.

I watched as Ellie got off of the bed and crossed the room, trailing her fingers lightly along the wall. I watched as her shoulders tensed up and her chin trembled a little. "I'm sorry you feel like you have to take care of me because you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't. How are _you_ supposed to take care of me? Are you a therapist? Do you have some Ph.D. that I don't know about? You're right, you're seventeen. And I'm sixteen. Meaning I can also take care of myself. What are you supposed to do to help me? Tie me up and force food down my throat? I don't think so, Sean. It's my choice if I eat or not. It's not your problem. It affects you, yes, but it's not your job to save me. That's my job. Your job is to love me. Do you love me?"

I didn't hesitate. "Yes. I love you. I _really_ love you. That's why I put up with this."

"I don't want you to 'put up' with me."

"I do."

She ran a hair over her braids and let out a long sigh. "We have a lot of stuff to sort through. More than I thought. I didn't know you felt this much."

"That's why I don't like talking about it. I don't want to upset you."

She gave me a small, comforting smile. "You're not upsetting me. I'm relieved that you've finally told me what you think. I don't like being some controlling wench, Sean. I don't want you to think that I don't care what you want. I do."

I let myself smile and walked over to be next to her. She laced her fingers through mine and held them to her chest. We stayed that way for awhile, enjoying the silence between ourselves. Ellie looked deep in thought and she wrapped her arms around my neck. "So, what are we going to do?"

"Compromise."

"How so?"

"I don't know. Start little. I won't ask you if you eat each day, if you give me a little space."

"What do you mean by 'space'?"

I could tell she was starting to get freaked out by the thought of giving up some of her control. She likes having control. That's part of the reason she does what she does to herself- she thinks she's in complete control. But she's not. "Let me decide when I want to do my homework. I don't want to live on a schedule anymore. And I don't want to have to make sure I put back my Cheerios in between Honey Bunches of Oats and Frankenberry whatever-it's-called. I have better things to worry about, Ellie. I'm going to be _dad_."

She nodded and twisted her hands. "I- I guess I can give you a little more room."

I breathed a sigh of relief and hooked an arm around her neck. "Come here, kid."

I brought her to me and kissed the top of her head. I've never felt so... relaxed. Everything's off my chest now. I don't have to hold back all these feelings in fear of hurting her. I can just tell her and now I know she won't freak out.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being honest with me. For talking to my parents. For standing up for me."

I kissed her in response. Long and slow on the lips. We lingered in the moonlight streaming through the small window in my bedroom. I know we fight and we get angry at each other every now and then, but it's okay. I'm really okay with that. Because then there are the times that we can just be near each other, and I'm completely happy. I know she pushes me, and I know she's a little controlling at times, but I also know she loves me entirely.

"I have something for you." I kissed the tip of her nose and released her from my arms.

"What's that?" she asked curiously.

I walked over to my backpack and pulled a binder out. "I was going to put it in your locker, but... I wimped out. So here." I handed her the sheet of paper and she laughed.

"It's beautiful, Sean!" Her eyes lit up as they scanned the picture of Donald and Daisy Duck that I had colored for her. She hugged me quickly and looked at me mischievously. "I have something for you, too."

I raised an eyebrow and followed her as she reached into her black bag and pulled out something. I laughed when she handed me the colored picture of Chip and Dale. "I guess we both had the same idea, huh?" I asked.

"Yeah," she murmured, a sweet smile brightening up her face. I loved when she allowed herself to fully be happy and smile at me like that. "I can't believe you colored for me."

"Hey, if Jay's man enough to do it, so am I. Besides, he practically begged me."

"Oh, I see."

"Yeah. Hey, Els... Do you know anything about mind control...?"

**There's another chapter for all you wonderful readers! Next chapter: Tracker/Ellie bond and an emergency situation. **


	24. Tears in Heaven

**Chapter 24****: Tears in Heaven**

**Tracker**

I opened the door with the key Sean had given me to use while I was in town. I was only staying for another week- my parents had already gone back to Wasaga earlier today. But my little brother needs me right now. I mean, things weren't going so well for him and Ellen... Ellie... whatever name is. Supposedly they're back together, but, knowing Sean's track record, they'll be over again by the end of the week. I threw the keys onto the small kitchen counter and made my way into the living room, beer in hand.

And almost tripped over the girl. She was lying on her back on the floor, pillow behind her head, watching the TV. She didn't even move as I stopped next to her. I cleared my throat and she still didn't acknowledge my presence. I glanced at the TV and saw some dumb 80s movie on. Does this girl live in a time warp or something?

"Um... hello?" I tried out. I snapped open my beer and took a swig. Man, it wasn't even six yet, and I'm already drinking. I really need to limit myself. I don't want to end up like my parents, now do I?

She turned her head, her red hair fanned out around her, and made eye contact with me. "Oh, hey. I didn't hear you come in."

"Yeah, well, I'm smooth like that." Of course, as I said that, I managed to spill some beer down the front of my shirt.

She rolled her eyes and smiled sardonically. "_Yeah_... _Real_ smooth..."

I immediately liked her.

I watched as she struggled a little to get into a seated position and grimaced. "This kid's playing soccer or something. It's killing me."

"Yeah, wouldn't know anything about that." I sat back on the couch and spread my long legs in front of me. "_So_... Ellen, right?"

"_Ellie_. Cracker, right?"

"_Tracker_."

"Oops. Sorry." She feigned an apologetic look and took a little sip from the water bottle next to her. "So what's up? Sean's not here."

"Yeah, I can see that. I don't know. Just hanging out. My parents left today, so no more hotel room for me. Looks like I'll be using the couch."

"Well, looks like you'll be using the floor. Jay's sleeping on the couch. Unless, you two want to share it."

"Yeah, I'll think about that. Um, no."

"I think it'd be sweet. We'll figure something out."

"Where is that little weasel? Usually he'd be cleaning out the fridge by now."

"Yeah, I don't know where he is. Did you not see the fridge? It _is_ cleaned out. I'm going to have to freaking grocery shopping tonight."

"Cool. I"ll make a list."

"Yeah, cool. I'll get what I want."

"You have to get pizza bagels. Life isn't complete without them."

"Yeah, I'll definitely pick those up. What do they have- like fifty grams of fat in just one?"

"So, you _do_ have an eating disorder." I shrugged and took another drink. "That sucks."

Her face reddened, and she gripped the pillow in her lap as if the world depended on it. "Yeah, it does. And I don't want to talk about it."

"How do you do it? I mean, the whole starving and puking thing? That's so gross. I have to eat like every twenty minutes or I get lightheaded. And there's no way I'd stick a finger down my throat. No way."

"Didn't I just say I don't want to talk about it?"

"Sorry."

"Yeah... well... So, where do you live now?"

"Alberta."

"Cool. What do you do there?"

"I'm in the oil business. Boring, but good pay."

"Sometimes you do what you have to do."

"That's true. What about you? You work?"

"I help out at a TV station from time to time. Haven't had much time lately with the whole baby thing, but whatever."

"So, is my little brother going to have to work all the time and pay the bills or are you going to help out?" I raised an eyebrow. There was no way my baby brother was going to be stuck with all the bills. He needs to concentrate on his schoolwork and staying out of trouble.

She glared at me. "My _parents_ are paying the bills right now. Sean's been spending his money on who knows what. He won't even tell me what he spends it on."

"Good for him."

"Are you trying to make me hate you or something?" she flashed me a look of annoyance, and I laughed.

"No, I'm not. I come on a little strong, I guess."

"Yeah, just a little. What happened to the cool, laid-back brother Sean said he had? Here you are grilling me about everything."

"Oh, the cool and laid-back brother is still here. I just have to look out for my bro."

"Well, I look out for him, too. That's something we have in common."

"Yeah, that's something. Too bad I don't share the same love of John Hughes movies like you..."

"John Hughes rules."

"No, he does not."

"Yes, he does."

"No, he doesn't."

"There's no point in arguing this." She turned her face to look back at the movie. "But he's still awesome," she blurted out over her shoulder.

"Wow," I mouthed to myself and took another swig. I watched in mild interest as the movie plot unfolded on the screen. Five kids in detention on a Saturday. Oh, how it brings them together. Blah. Blah. Blah. As if they'll even continue to be friends.

"You want to hear something weird?" Ellie asked.

"Why not," I shrugged. It's not like I had anything better to do.

"Sean and I met in detention. What do you think about that?"

"Wow, what rebels."

"I think it's cute. But don't tell anyone I said that. Oh God, my favorite part. I love when Molly Ringwald dances."

"I bet it makes your day," I drawled with a lazy smile.

"It most certainly does," she smirked.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Did you listen to Cyndi Lauper when you were younger?"

"Yes, I did. And still do. How can you beat She-Bop?"

"_Oh God_..." I reached into my pants and quickly scratched myself.

"Ew." Ellie wrinkled her nose delicately. "Could you not touch yourself in front of me?"

"It was a _scratch_. You're acting as if I just jerked off in front of you."

She gave me a pointed look. I made a weird face at her and she looked away, biting her lip to keep from laughing.

The door opened and slammed, jarring the silence that had fallen in between us except for the Breakfast Club in the background. Jay Hogart threw himself into a chair and changed the station with the remote next to him.

"_HEY!_" Ellie stood up quickly and reached for the remote. A painful look flashed across her face and she stopped in mid-lunge.

"Are you okay?" I asked as she fell to her knees, clutching her stomach.

She bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut, tears starting to spill out. She shook her head silently; the look on her face gave away her condition. Jay turned the TV off and kneeled next to her, gently touching her stomach. "What's wrong?"

She just shook her head and clutched onto the shoulder of his shirt. I jumped up and looked around the room for a phone. "I'm calling 911." I spotted the cordless phone sticking out from behind a pillow on the couch and grabbed it, quickly dialing the three numbers.

"Yeah, I need an ambulance. My brother's girlfriend is pregnant and something's wrong." I gave the dispatcher the address and stayed on the phone with her while she assured me that an ambulance was immediately on its way.

Jay grabbed a pillow from the couch and put it under her head as she clutched onto him, sobbing. I tried to listen to what she was saying, but I couldn't make out anything with her crying. I heard the words "Sean" and "baby" before she burst into even more tears and whimpered, "I want my mommy."

Jay looked at me with a wild look in his eyes and gestured towards the phone, "Get her mommy!"

I stood by helplessly as he whispered assurances to her, petting her hair. _Do something, Tracker. You worthless piece of shit. Do something!_ "Ice!" I blurted out. "Do you want some ice, Ellie?"

She didn't stop crying. Jay gave me a look as if I was crazy. Doesn't ice fix everything? Ice always makes me feel better. I crossed the room and sat next to Ellie, taking one of her hands in mine. I'd only really met her just a bit ago, but already I knew she was someone special. If I let anything happen to her, Sean would never forgive me. "Shh... Ellie talk about the baby. About the future. Tell me all about your plans."

**Jay**

I continued to stroke her long red hair as she tried to make sense through her crying. I could see little beads of sweat forming on her hairline, and I wiped them away. I squeezed her hand with mine and looked at her face as she talked about the future, her eyes closed tightly.

"... and the baby will grow up and have tons of friends and be very involved in school. I won't tell him or her that they have to have perfect grades because I know what it's like to feel that you have to be perfect to mean anything to anyone. And I'll never push them to do anything they don't want to, like being a plastic surgeon or an accountant or something. And I really think the baby will be very talented in music and art. And if it's a girl I'm going to buy her a pony. And if it's a boy, I'll-..."

A knock sounded on the door and Tracker jumped up to answer it. A group of men hurried in and kneeled down next to her. One of the guys asked me to move aside, but Ellie cried out when I tried to leave. "No!" She held onto my hand.

"How far along is she?"

I looked helplessly at Ellie and shrugged. "Seven months, maybe? A little more? I really don't know."

I watched as they quickly examined her and gave each other a curt nod. "We're taking her in. I think she's ready to deliver."

I stared as they wheeled her away, trying to calm her down as she kept saying it wasn't time. She wasn't ready. Tracker clapped a hand on my back and gave me a little push. "Man, go with her. She needs someone."

I ran a hand through my hair quickly and nodded. She did need someone to go with her. I just wish Sean was here. She needs Sean.

**Sean**

I wiped my greasy hands on the towel and sat down on the small chair in the corner of the garage. I only hand another fifteen minutes left of working, and then I could go home and relax. I sighed and took a drink of the coke next to me. Joe, one of the other guys who works at the garage, made his way over to me and leaned against the wall. "You outta here soon, kid?"

"Yeah. Fifteen minutes."

"Must be nice. I'll probably be here for another hour or so. Not everyone has a girlfriend to go home to." He smiled at me. Joe was probably twenty-nine years old or something and single. He's always complaining about his disastrous dates and all the girls he can't have. I think he just prefers complaining more than actually going out and trying to find someone.

"Yeah, well, I'm just glad she's back in the apartment with me."

"Yeah, good thing that worked out. When she due?"

"A little under two months."

"Scary, huh?"

"Yeah. _Very _scary," I agreed. Very scary. I can't believe in two months I'll be holding a little baby. _My_ son or daughter. And I'll be entering into a whole new stage in my life. A stage full of diapers and bills and baby food and getting up in the middle of the night... The old me would have hated the thought of all of this- hell, I still kind of do. I mean, this is seriously going to mess with my social life and normal routine. I'm going to have to give up everything for this kid.

But part of me is also excited at the fact that I'll finally just have something that's my own. I'll finally feel like there's a fucking purpose to my life. Someone depends on me, and if I wasn't around who knows what could happen. So it's cool to have something that makes life complete.

The phone rang on the wall next to me, and I grabbed it. "H'lo?"

"Is Sean there?"

"Jay? It's me." Why was Jay calling me at work? I swear, if he even asks to borrow money, I'll kill him. He _knows_ I'm saving my paychecks.

"You gotta get to the hospital. I'm here with Ellie."

"What happened? Is she okay? The baby?" I couldn't stop myself from asking questions. What if she wasn't okay? What if something bad happened to her or the baby? Or both? I couldn't handle it. I don't think I could handle losing anyone right now.

"Man, just get down here. She needs you."

I hung up the phone and collapsed back into the chair, my breathing shallow and forced. Ellie had to be alright. My baby had to be alright.

"Sean, are you okay?" Joe put a hand on my shoulder and shook it.

My head snapped up and I tried to form words. "I- I have to go. Ellie. Hospital." I started to head outside.

"I'll drive you, son."

I stopped and looked back at Joe. What was he talking about? "Oh," I managed to say. I guess he's right. I don't have a car. And it's not like the hospital is right next door or anything.

He told me to wait where I was and he'd bring the car around. I don't think I could have moved even if I had tried. Why couldn't Jay just tell me what was going on? Why did he have to make it sound like something bad was happening. Nothing bad could happen. It just couldn't. It wouldn't be fair.

_Life's not fair_. I hated when my parents used to say that all the time. Whenever I complained about living in a freaking trailer when everyone else at school had normal homes. Or when I couldn't go to the movies with my friends or to the carnival or whatever stupid event that was going on that seemed so fucking life or death to me back then. Everything was so life or death back then, and it was _stupid_. I know life's not fair, but how much is one person supposed to take? How much am I supposed to take?

How much is _Ellie_ supposed to take?

"Come on, kid. Hop on in."

I grabbed for the door handle and slid into the car, not really noticing much of anything. I stared out the window as we whipped through the streets heading towards the hospital. It's bad. I know it is. Jay wouldn't freak out like that if it wasn't. Tears burned my eyes, but I refused to show it. I wasn't going to cry over this. It wasn't really happening.

"We're here, Sean."

I quietly thanked Joe and declined his invitation to walk me in. I needed the short walk to clear my head and think. I needed to stop looking like such a mess. I needed to-

"Sean!" I looked up and saw Tracker walking towards me, his hands stuffed in his pockets.

"What happened?" I choked out.

He shrugged and let out a heavy sigh. "She just... collapsed, man. I don't know. They're looking at her now. They think she's going to deliver."

_Too soon_. I blinked rapidly and shook my head slowly. "No. She can't. It's too soon."

"Well, bro, she's going to. You should get in there. She's... she's going crazy."

I nodded and put a hand on his shoulder. Not another word was exchanged between us as we made our way to Ellie's room. Tracker knew to give me my space. He knew I was probably beating myself up for not being there for her. And he's right. I am beating myself up. I should have been there.

The elevator opened, and I saw Ellie's parents outside of her room. Her mom was pacing as her dad sat rigid on a chair, his eyes unblinking. Mrs. Nash nodded at me when she saw me, but her dad didn't even move. He just kept staring at the door in front of him. I looked at the closed door. Room number 666. Great. As if that isn't an omen.

"She's going to go into labor."

I turned my head and stared at her mom. She folded her arms across her chest and stared at the floor.

"Why?" my voice cracked. I didn't know what else to say.

She shrugged and snuck a glance at her husband. Still silent. Still frozen. Still staring. I don't even think he was breathing. She opened her mouth to say something but was cut off by the noise at the end of the hall. I turned around to see Marco heading towards us, tears streaming down his red face. Jesus Christ, he was fucking hysterical.

"What's going on?" he cried out.

Ashley and Paige flanked his sides. Each trying to calm him down. I don't think I've ever seen a guy cry before. I stared in amazement as Marco collapsed into a chair next to Mr. Nash and bent over, sobs taking over his thin frame. Paige sat next to him, every now and then rubbing a hand on his back. Ashley stood next to me and gave me a look.

Jay headed towards us, Alex in tow, holding Styrofoam cups of coffee. He held one out towards me but I declined it. Coffee just reminds me of Ellie. Ashley took one and so did Paige. Mr. Nash didn't even notice the cup of coffee Alex was holding out in front of him. I guess he's taking this a little hard right now.

I stood next to the door, trying to listen to what was going on. Jay came to my side and pressed something into my hands. "I brought this."

I looked down and saw Ellie's video camera. I looked back up at him.

"You know... in case she gives birth. Isn't it your job? To tape her or something like that?"

I tried to smile to show him my appreciation, but I couldn't. He clapped me on the back and headed back over to Alex and the others. The door swung open suddenly and Dr. Martin came out.

"Okay, folks. It looks like Ellie's going to be having the baby today. Can I have immediate family only come in and see her?"

Marco started protesting that she was like his family, but Ashley quickly shut him up. I threw him a dirty look and started into the room with Ellie's mom. Her dad was still sitting in his chair. I don't even think he heard Dr. Martin.

"Christian?" I called from the doorway.

He didn't stir.

Mrs. Nash put a hand on my shoulder and told me she's be there in a second. I watched as she walked over to her husband and started whispering to him.

"Sean?"

I quickly headed over to the hospital bed and grabbed Ellie's hand. She looked horrible. Her eyes were rimmed with red and her teeth were chattering uncontrollably.

"Shh. I'm here," I whispered, stroking the top of her head with my free hand. She burst into a new round of tears and dug her face into her pillow.

"It hurts," she whimpered.

"I know," I consoled.

"How the _hell_ do _you_ know?" she barked, her eyes turning into slits. She took her hand away and clenched her fists tightly against her body. "You have no idea what it's like."

"I know! I was just-..."

"Just _what_? Trying to make me feel better? It's not working. How dare you come in here and act as if you know what it's like to be pregnant and go into labor. Did you really think I'd believe you?"

"Will you stop yelling, please?"

A nurse smiled at me over the top of a chart. "Her nerves are shot. It's normal."

I lifted a corner of my mouth into a smile. Ellie snorted and folded her arms, jutting out her jaw in a look of total defiance. "As if you have any idea the amount of pain I'm in right now," she muttered.

I put a hand on her stomach. "Believe me. I do," I whispered, holding back the tears. "I've been going crazy worrying about you and the baby."

She looked up at me through her lashes. "You have?"

"Absolutely."

She gave me a weak smile and a few tears slid down her cheeks. "I'm so scared," she admitted, in a hushed tone.

"Me too," I responded.

She groaned and a flash of pain went across her face. "It hurts so much. I've never experienced anything like this before."

I didn't know what to say to help her. There _wasn't_ anything I could say to stop the pain. Instead I held her hand and rubbed her belly lightly with the other. The door cracked open and a few more nurses came in along with Dr. Martin and Ellie's parents. I gave Ellie a smile and stood up, letting her dad take my spot. I stood on the other side of the room and watched them. As Ellie's mom stroked her hair and told her what a good job she was doing, her dad just held onto her hand as if his life depended on it. I've never seen him lose it before. He bowed his head down, and I saw the tears drip from his cheeks onto the bed sheets.

I sat in a small chair in the corner of the room, just looking around the room and taking it all in. Ellie was going to give birth today. I was actually going to become a father soon. I could be holding my own baby in my arms in a matter of hours. The thought scared the shit out of me. I wasn't expecting this. I was depending on these last two months.

I half-listened as one of the nurses garbled out some sort of medical nonsense. I tried to pay attention, but I couldn't tear my eyes and thoughts away from Ellie in her bed. She looked so small and helpless laying there. Her parents surrounding her just reminded me that she's still a little girl. She's only sixteen. I looked on helplessly as she shivered in her bed and cried about how painful it was.

I did this to her. I got her pregnant and now she's in serious pain. What a joke. Guilt washed over me as I took in her suffering. I should've been more responsible. I shouldn't have gotten so caught up with her. Why did I have to go and fall in love with her and _do_ this to her?

"Sean?" Dr. Martin stood in front of me, a smile on his face. What the hell was _he_ smiling about.

"What?" I snapped.

"I just thought you might want to get your camera ready."

I looked back over at the bed and saw that Ellie's parents were gone now. Instead, two nurses were helping her get in a different position.

"Why?" I asked lamely.

"It's time, Sean."

**I wasn't too happy with this chapter. I don't know. Comments/rants? Ugh. Anywho, next chapter will be the actual birth of the baby, which I probably won't go into too much detail since I'm not a doctor and don't know exactly all that goes on... So, deal with me. So next chapter will be full of warm fuzzies as Sean and Ellie welcome their baby and everyone meets him/her for the first time. I'm so flattered by everyone's reviews! Yay!**


	25. Wonderwall

**obviously the lyrics belong to Oasis...**

**Chapter 25: Wonderwall**

_I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now..._

_Because maybe_

_you're gonna be the one that saves me._

_And after all,_

_you're my wonderwall._..

**Sean**

My face scrunched up in a painful expression as I watched Ellie let out another bloodcurdling scream. I really don't know whether or not I should be taping her at this moment. I mean, is she really going to want to relive this pain again and again whenever she watches the DVD? I don't think so... Still... it's a special moment. And I'm sure if I _didn't_ tape every single moment, she'd kill me later on. So that settles it. I lifted the camera back up and pressed record, despite Ellie's cries.

"It fucking _hurts_!" she screamed, clutching the pillow behind her head.

"Come on, man. Isn't there anything you can give her?" I pressed Dr. Martin.

He shook his head. "It's too late for any medicine. Ellie, you're going to be fine. You have to breathe, remember."

"Yeah, sweetie. Remember to breathe. Like this!" Ellie's mom started breathing and Ellie followed her lead. I smiled.

I swung the camera over to the other side of the room and taped Mr. Nash's back. He was facing the wall, not wanting to watch, but wanting to be there for everything. He snuck a glance, and I saw that his face had achieved a rather green tint. He quickly looked back at the wall and leaned his hands against it. _Believe me, I know how you feel_.

I was exhausted. Between rushing here from work and listening to Ellie screaming about the pain and how scared she was, I was _tired_. I sighed out loud and adjusted the camera to the other hand.

"What are _you_ looking at?" Ellie snapped, glaring at the camera. "What are _you_ sighing about? I don't see _you_ over hear pushing this... this... this _thing_ out of you. I don't _ever_ want to hear you sigh again. You hear me?"

I slowly backed up and blinked a few times. "Uh... okay?" Damn. I thought Pregnant Ellie was scary. Giving Birth Ellie was terrifying.

"Why isn't he paying attention to me, mommy? Daddy, do something! Sean, why don't you even care?" Ellie complained, shaking her head side to side.

"I'm right here, Ellie!" I handed off the camera to her mom and took her place next to Ellie. I held Ellie's hand in mine and gave it a comforting squeeze.

Mrs. Nash let out an impatient groan and started tapping her high-heeled foot. "Dr. Martin, not to sound _impatient_ or anything, but can we get this show on the road?"

"Well, Elisabeth, these things take time. I just can't go in there and grab it out."

"And why not? You're a _licensed doctor_, aren't you?"

"I think you've been through the process before... Haven't you?" he raised an eyebrow and continued to examine Ellie.

"Well, I just don't like seeing my daughter in so much pain."

"Well, if she'd push like we've been asking her, maybe the baby would be out by now. Hear that, Ellie?"

"Yeah, I hear ya," she growled. She grabbed me by the collar and yanked my face towards hers. "Listen, _buddy_, you're never getting any ever again. You hear me? I'm _never_ having sex with you again. _Ever_."

She released me and covered her face with her hands. This is a nightmare. It really is. Any minute now, I'll wake up in bed, and Ellie will be next to me. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Once I reach ten, the nightmare will be over. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

Nope. Nightmare's only beginning.

**Ellie**

I choked back another sob as I tried to push. "I wish you'd leave. I don't want to see you," I muttered to Sean.

He raised his eyebrows and let go of my hand. "Is that really what you want?" He started to walk away.

"No!" I sobbed, reaching out my hands. "Come back!" He was just way too cute in his scrubs. And I was way too lonely.

He smiled and kissed me on the forehead, whispering to me that I was doing a great job. I tried to smile back, but I couldn't. I couldn't really concentrate on anything else but the pain. "Oh God. Please give me drugs."

"Sorry, sweetie," A nurse sang as she checked my IV. I wanted to punch her in the face.

I pouted and tried to push harder as Dr. Martin was instructing me to do. "Push, Ellie. Push!"

"Argh!" I grunted, squeezing Sean's hand as hard as I could. I pushed again and let out a series of wails.

"It's head is crowning!" Dr. Martin announced, a goofy smiling spreading across his face.

I couldn't help but smile a little myself. "Really?" I asked breathlessly. I tried to push even harder. If his head was already starting to show, the rest of the baby couldn't be too far behind.

"Mom, are you getting it?" I asked in between grunts and pushes.

She adjusted the video camera and nodded. "Yes. Oh, Ellie..." she breathed. "Beautiful," she murmured.

Sean swallowed hard and started to look a little sick. "Are you okay?" he asked.

I glared at him. I gave another exhausting push.

"You're doing wonderful. Almost there. There you go. Okay, just a few more pushes Ellie. Just a few more."

I anxiously pushed and pushed.

"Oh my God!" my mom squealed.

My dad turned around from his permanent position facing the wall and hurried over to my mom. I desperately tried to see what was going on, but couldn't. My eyes were blurred with tears and sweat. "What?" I asked, my voice strained.

"Congratulations Ellie and Sean. You have a beautiful baby boy."

Dr. Martin held up my brand new baby boy, and I sunk into the sheets with relief. Sobs overtook my body as I stared at the perfect little boy being held out in front of me. Sean stared in amazement as helped clean the baby; he couldn't even form a word other than "perfect". He repeated it over and over again. He turned to look at me and our eyes met.

There are moments in life that can change our paths forever. Moments where tragedy strikes and moments of first glances of first love and moments of self-discovery... Moments that strike you speechless and leave you with so many questions as to why. This was one of those moments. This moment began our journey of full-fledged parenthood. And we both knew it. The look in our eyes as we stared at each other said it all. We were ready.

"Four pounds and three ounces, Miss Nash." Dr. Martin held my baby boy out in front of me, and I reached up with a hand to touch his little fingers. He was so tiny.

"He's perfect," I whispered. I ran my fingers over _his_ tiny fingers and over his little head. I could feel a little hair already there. "He's so beautiful."

"NICU is prepared," a nurse informed Dr. Martin. He nodded and pulled the baby back.

"Ellie, Sean... your baby will have to stay under observation in theNeonatal Intensive Care Unituntil he's strong enough to go home. He'll be-..."

"No!" I cried out. I reached out for my baby, fresh tears spilling over my cheeks. "I want him!" Don't even tell me I just went through seven months of pregnancy and God knows how many hours of labor to have my baby taken away from me.

Sean placed a hand on my head and stroked my hair softly. "It'll be okay, Ellie. Is this necessary, Dr. Martin?"

"Yes. I know it's hard for you to have to let go of him, but we need to observe him 24/7 to make sure he's healthy and grows. You understand, don't you?"

I gazed at the tiny face of my baby. His little eyes, his little nose, his little mouth, his little chin. All I want to do is hold him and tell him how much I love him and how I'm going to give him everything he will ever want and need. I want to look like that picture-perfect family after the birth of their first child. The mom and dad on the bed and the little baby in the mom's arms. I want that perfect scenario. "Yes," my voice cracked.

I didn't understand, though. Why did my baby have to be born prematurely? Why did he have to suffer? I _know_ why. Because I was too selfish and practically starved him. I clenched my jaw and thought of all the times I had denied myself food, even while I was pregnant. I'm just a selfish. That's all I am. I'm not even _worthy_ of having this baby.

I held back my tears as I kissed my baby on the forehead and watched him go out the door with the nurse. Sean wiped at my cheeks and kissed me gently on the mouth. "You want to wait awhile before visitors?" he asked, nuzzling my neck.

I stared at the blank wall in front of me, not really hearing him. What if the baby didn't make it? What if he died because of me? I don't think I could handle that. I really wouldn't be able to handle that.

"Ellie?"

"Hmm?" I gave my attention to Sean.

"You're really quiet. Are you tired?"

"Yes."

"I bet you are. Do you want to rest?"

"Just... stay with me. I'm really lonely right now," my voice broke. I entwined my fingers with his and held on for dear life.

"He's going to be fine. He's going to be perfect. Did you see how perfect he was?"

I nodded, a small smile making it's way on my face.

"Ten toes, ten fingers... He's already got some hair."

I smiled even more. "Did you see his little ears? They were so soft!"

"He looks just like you."

"No, he looks just like you."

"You."

"You."

"Both of us," Sean compromised.

I thought about the little miracle Sean and I had made.

"You still want to name him Brayden?" Sean wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him.

"Yes," I asnwered. "Brayden Lee."

"Brayden Lee Nash. Has a nice ring to it."

"Who said he'd have my name?"

"Why wouldn't he?"

"I don't know." Of course I wanted Brayden to have my last name, but I still wanted everyone to know he was Sean's too. Didn't Sean want everyone to know that Brayden was his?

"Do you want him to be Brayden Lee Cameron?"

"No. Yes. I don't know."

"Well, I have a feeling I know what your parents want."

"Who cares what they want," I pouted. Okay, yeah, I care, but... it's my baby.

"You care. That's who." Sean gave me a wry smile and massaged my shoulder.

"So, what do you want to do? We can't _not_ give him a last name."

"I kind of want him to have _your_ name."

"Really?" I gave Sean a skeptical look.

"Yeah. Really. It doesn't mean he's not my baby. He just has your last name. There's nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah, I guess so."

A knock sounded on the door and I stiffened. Oh God. I can only imagine who that could be. It could be Dr. Martin telling me that Brayden is dead. Or it could be a nurse coming to tell me that Brayden will have to stay in NICU for months. Or it could be...

My parents.

"Sweetie!" My mom floated over to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek, perching herself on the other side of me on the bed. My dad stood behind her, his hands on her shoulders. "We followed Dr. Martin and the nurses as they took the baby to the NICU. He's going to be fine. Don't worry."

"He looks great, Elle-bear. He already looks stronger."

I knew my dad was trying to help me stay calm. I could see the worry in his eyes. He was trying to cover up how worried he was.

"We've named him," I announced. My parents stared at me expectantly. "Brayden Lee."

I watched closely for my parents's reactions. I could see tears building up in my mom's eyes as she thought of Brayden. My dad bowed his head and stared at his hands for awhile. They both had loved Brayden so much. They had adored him. My dad wanted to pay for his law school education. He wanted to help him set up his own firm. My mom had even warmed up to his little twin brother and sister. My mom's not known for her warmth.

"I know it might be hard at first to call him that. It makes me think of him so much, but I always knew I wanted to name my first son Brayden." My voice was tearful, and I wanted to smack myself for letting my guard down so much. For letting everyone see how vulnerable I really am when it comes to this.

My dad was the first to say anything. "I think it's a perfect name. He'd make his namesake proud."

My mom nodded in agreement and stroked my arm. "Your friends want to see you."

"Who's out there?"

"Marco, Jay, Alex, Tracker," Sean listed. "Ashley... and Paige."

"Paige?"

"Yeah, weird, huh?"

"Yeah. Weird."

"Do you want me to tell them to come back later or come in or what?"

I thought about it for a second. I don't know. I didn't really feel like seeing anyone. I kind of wanted everyone to leave. I was just tired of talking and thinking and feeling. I shook my head. "I'd rather not see them tonight."

Sean kissed me on the forehead and walked to the door. "I'll tell them."

"And I'm kind of tired. Do you mind not coming back either?"

He stopped in mid-step and looked back at me. "Really?"

"Yeah. Really." I looked at my parents next and gave them a pointed look. "You guys, too?"

"Well," my mom glanced warily at my father and frowned. "I _guess_. If we have to."

"Yes, you have to," I confirmed. I watched as all three shuffled out, sending me looks before shutting the door behind them.

Good. I snuggled deeper into my blankets and stared at the ceiling. I can just see it now. I'll fall asleep and be woken up by Dr. Martin. He'll tell me that Brayden's lungs had stopped working suddenly. They were just too underdeveloped despite the medication. I could see his chest rising and falling and then not moving at all anymore. The nurses would rush over and try and revive him but it'd be too late.

Dammit, Ellie. Why are you thinking this? I shook my head roughly and tried to keep the thoughts out of my imagination. I had to stop thinking about this stuff. It's not healthy. I need to be optimistic again and believe that Brayden will be alright. He _will_ be alright.

As I fell asleep, I was already picking out an epitaph.

**Ashley**

"Ellie?" I whispered, knocking on the door softly. She had been in the hospital now forthree days and was _still_ refusing to see anyone. She wouldn't even see Sean.

She stirred slightly in her bed but didn't open her eyes. I snuck in and shut the door behind me quietly. I hadn't told anyone I was coming to the hospital after school. I didn't want anyone offering to come with me. Maybe if it's just me, Ellie will see me.

I pulled a chair over to the bed and put a hand on hers. Her eyes flew open and she stiffened. "What?" she asked sharply, not meeting my eyes.

"Hey," I greeted, a little confused by her cold behavior.

"Hi," she drawled, staring at her nails and picking at them.

"So... how are you feeling?"

"_I'm_ fine. I'm not the one in the NICU."

"I know that, Ellie. I'm just... you won't see anyone. Is something going on?"

She stared at me icily, "I'm _tired_. So what of it?"

I cleared my throat nervously and tried again. "Have you seen Brayden today?"

"Brayden's _dead_."

"No... No, he's not. I just saw him." I sat up straighter in my chair. What is she talking about? I had just passed the NICU and _saw_ Brayden in there. Ellie's parents were down there looking at him, too.

"Oh, you're talking about the baby. Yeah, they wheeled me down there to see him."

"Aren't you excited, Ellie? Pretty soon you'll be able to take him home with you! You can add the blue accents to the nursery now!"

"Yay," she drawled. She folded her arms across her chest and pursed her lips. "I'm really tired, Ashley. So... if you don't mind?"

"Yeah, I do mind, Ellie. What's wrong with you? You've never been one to do the whole doom and gloom act. That's _my_ job, remember? You won't see anyone, you barely talk, you're always sleeping... What's going on? You can tell me."

She rolled her eyes and gave me a stony look. "Listen, Ash... I really appreciate you trying to cheer me up or whatever, but I'm fine. I'm being realistic here. There's a chance that Brayden could die."

"And there's a chance that I could die. And that you could die. And Sean could die. There's a chance that _anyone_ could die. Brayden's going to live. I don't like seeing you like this. I want the old Ellie back."

"Get out."

I grabbed my coat and stood up. I was shaking with anger. I gave her one last look before walking out of the room. I just don't understand what happened to her. She's not the same warm and caring person that she used to be. Sure, Ellie's always had a serious side to her. She's always worried a little. She's always been a bit dramatic. But this is too much. This is just way out of left field.

As I walked down the street towards the bus stop, I threw one last glance at the hospital. Ellie's in there. She's probably sleeping. Or inspecting her nails. And she has a baby boy who's in the NICU and needs her. And it doesn't even seem like she cares.

But I know the old Ellie is in there. It's hidden. But it's there. And I'm going to find it.

**so Ellie and Sean had a bouncing baby boy! Yay! Next chapter will focus on Ellie's changing attitude and her obvious depression and Sean's dealing with the stress of fatherhood. I don't know what else I'll include in the next chapter. If anyone has any suggestions that'd be awesome. Review please! you guys are way too wonderful!**


	26. Cavanaugh Park

**Lyrics are from Cavanaugh Park by Something Corporate. I don't know. I just thought they fit.**

**Chapter 26: Cavanaugh Park**

_At Cavanaugh Park_

_where I used to sit all alone in the dark_

_and dream about things that I cannot say._

**Marco**

I lost patience with the slow arriving elevator and burst through the doors leading to the stairwell. I was trying to work out a little more, this was the perfect chance to work on my... uh... stair work. Everyone would be so impressed. I took the stairs two at a time, anticipating what it would be like when I saw her.

On second thought... I decided to go to the fifth floor and look in at Brayden first. For some reason I slowly made my way to the glass that separated the babies from the rest of the world. It was almost as if I was afraid of startling them or waking them up if I moved too fast or too loud.I gripped the little railing in front of the glass and looked in.

Sean was in there. I watched as he, dressed in his finest scrubs, slowly reached hand in the incubatorand stroked Brayden's tiny little hand. He looked tired, scared, worried, angry... all sorts of emotions were beaming off of him. Not that I don't blame him. It must be tough for him.

Ellie's been in the hospital for five days. Ashley said she went and saw her, but that Ellie acted completely weird. She wouldn't talk to Ashley and seemed bitter about something. I'm hoping my surprise visit and bouquet of crazy daisies will help lift her spirits. She can't turn away her best friend, can she?

Not that I didn't try and visit before. I've been here every night since the delivery, trying to get in to see her. The nurses always tell me she's too tired to see anyone. But today, I'm not taking no for an answer. And if I wimp out and don't rebel, I've written a small note for her that I've stuck in the daisies. But she'll definitely see me. She has to because she's making me nervous.

Sean glanced up and saw me outside of the room. He nodded his head in a greeting and said a few words to the nurse. It must suck for Sean. He's been out of school this week, visiting the baby, getting things ready for when Ellie comes home from the hospital... Ms. Kwan made sure to inform the classroom every morning with updates on Ellie and the baby's condition. I guess Sean or Ellie's parents are telling her everything. I don't know... It seems that every day she tells us that Ellie is resting and the baby is getting stronger. Not every detailed. Not very satisfactory.

Poor Sean. Ashley says that Ellie won't even see him. How she knows this, I don't know. But I kind of believe her. I mean, Sean doesn't look particularly happy right now. Not that he should be grinning like an idiot or anything because, well, Brayden _is_ in the NICU... but he looks completely devastated. But I guess there's really only one way to know for sure if he's seen Ellie.

"Hey Marco."

Ask him.

"Hey, Sean." I slapped him on the back in a friendly gesture and stuffed my hands in the pockets of my jean jacket. "What's up?"

He sighed and wiped at his tired eyes. "Not much. Finishing the nursery... catching up on school work... I have to go in and take a few quizzes and tests tomorrow during school. Normal stuff that I guess any new teenaged dad does... You?"

"School. I got a job at that new coffee place on Kemper Street."

"That's cool."

We were silent as we walked around the hallways aimlessly. Neither one of us really wanted to bring up the fact that Ellie was different. But someone had to. And since Sean's a man of little words... I guess it's up to me.

"How's Ellie?"

"Fine," he said shortly.

"Just fine? What's she been doing?"

"Look, I don't know. Okay? There. I don't know. She won't even fucking see me," his voice cracked slightly and he looked away. He wiped at his eyes again, but I don't think it was because he was tired.

"She barely said two words to Ashley. She won't see me. She won't see Alex. Does she even see _anyone_?" I asked.

"No. She won't even talk to her parents. I don't know what's going on. Is it supposed to be like this?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I've never had a baby."

Sean chuckled a little and scratched his head. "Yeah... I guess not. I don't know. Her mom says it's just the 'baby blues'... whatever the hell that means. Her dad barely says anything. He was here before. Just looking at Brayden. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't say anything."

"Man... that's rough."

"Yeah, I don't think he was trying to be a jerk, though. I think he's upset. He squeezed my shoulder and walked off. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know what to think about anything anymore. Life's fucked up."

"It sure is. It's fucked up, it hands you shitty cards, and it's not fair. So what is it good for, right?" I posed the question that I think Sean and Ellie were both asking.

We had circled around and were making our way back to the NICU. I watched as Sean turned his head and stared through the glass at Brayden. Brayden stretched his tiny little arms up and yawned. I noticed the corner of Sean's mouth lifted a little in a small smile.

"This," I stated simply.

Sean looked at me. "What?"

"This. This right here. Him. Brayden. This is what life is good for. Look at him! He's perfect, you know?"

"Yeah," Sean agreed.

"And life might be full of crap, but it's also full of moments like this. Moments like watching Brayden yawn or smile for the first time... It gives life a whole new meaning. It gives life a purpose. You don't just live for yourself, Sean. Now you live for him. He needs you. He depends on you. And sometimes you have to deal with life's shitty moments to get to the good ones."

Sean stared at Brayden and nodded his head. He didn't say anything, but I knew he was taking in what I just said. He gave me a smile and squeezed my shoulder, much like I'm sure Mr. Nash squeezed his.

"I'm going to go finish the nursery. You should hurry. Visiting hours are almost over." He nodded his head towards the stairwell.

I turned and watched as he walked off to the elevator. He was going to be fine.

* * *

I gripped the bouquet of daisies before knocking softly on the closed door. I didn't hear anything. Maybe she was asleep. I turned to walk away, but stopped myself. No, I'm going in there. I don't care what she says. I want to see her.

I opened the door quietly and tip-toed in. Not that it mattered. She was sitting in a chair staring outside her window. She didn't even move as I kissed her cheek and rested the bouquet on the small bedside table.

"Hey, Ellie-Wellie. Whatcha doing?" I tried to be upbeat and friendly for her sake. Her hair looked shiny and freshly washed and it hung in slight waves down her back. Her skin looked moisturized and soft. She was dressed in a pair of light grey pajama pants and a black hoodie that had Taking Back Sunday scripted across the front. Obviously she was taking care of herself. That must mean _something_ good.

She didn't say anything. I tried again. "I brought you flowers, El. I thought the place could use a little cheering up. Where are all your other flowers?" I looked around the room but didn't seen any of the balloons or flowers that everyone had said they sent.

I didn't expect her to answer. "I didn't want them," she whispered.

"Why not?" I reached out to take on of her small hands in mine, but she pulled it away and wrapped her arms around herself.

"I just _didn't_. Is there a point to you being here?"

"Ellie!" I put a hand on her knee and squeezed. "What's wrong, sweetie?"

"I'm not your sweetie."

"You're my best friend, Ellie. Talk to me."

"Am I? Am I your best friend?"

I gave her a confused look. Why is she even asking me that? She knows the answer. "Of course you are!" I tried to convince her of it. I don't think I succeeded.

She shook her head and looked back out the window. It was starting to get dark outside. I watched as she stared at the small figure of a woman carrying her baby out of the hospital. I thought I heard her whisper the world "lucky", but I'm not sure. A small tear escaped from her eye and slid down her cheek.

I bit my lip. "You want to go see Brayden? We can go right now."

She looked at me as if I had two heads. "Why would I want to do that?"

I was taken aback by her attitude. "Um... because he's your baby?" I offered. She didn't bite. She just looked away again.

"Is something going on, Ellie? You can talk to me."

She shrugged her small shoulders.

"Do you want to watch TV? Jeopardy is coming on. You love Jeopardy. Remember?"

"I gave birth, Marco. I haven't been in a coma. I can still remember stuff," she snapped. She angrily shoved her hair behind her back and stood up shakily. "If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone. Okay?"

I didn't move from my spot on the bed. If she wanted me to leave, she'd have to physically pick me up and throw me out. I wasn't about to leave on my own. I lifted my chin in a defiant look and challenged her to say anything to me about it.

Her shoulders dropped and she frowned. "Fine," she muttered. "Stay if you want."

**Ellie**

I glared at TV screen as I watched the latest episode of Jeopardy. Were these people serious? Do they really not know wrote _The Jungle_? Upton Sinclair, you idiots. Upton Sinclair. I groaned as their time went out and Alex Trebek gave them the answer. Morons.

"It is the only state lying south of the Tropic of Cancer."

"What is Hawaii?" I answered.

Not even being right made me smile. I played with a loose string on the hospital comforter and waited for the next question.

"In the original L. Frank Baum story _The Wonderful World of Oz_, what color were Dorothy's slippers?"

"What is silver."

Easy. Anybody with half a brain knew that.

"Ellie, you're so smart," Marco smiled, looking at me from his chair.

I didn't acknowledge his presence. Maybe if he would have just left like I asked him to, I would still like him. But, right now? I can't stand him. I just wanted to be alone. Is that so much to ask? I just wish everyone would leave me alone. I'm sick of doctors and nurses asking me why I don't want to see anyone. I'm sick of that stupid Dr. Brahm coming in here and acting as if she _knows_ me just because we talked a few times. Seriously, where does she get the nerve?

"Ellie!" A nurse entered the room, a bright smile on her face.

I glowered.

"I thought we could try pumping again!" she held up the breast pump and I gave her an evil look.

I can't believe she wants me to use that thing. We've already tried it before and it didn't work. "No." I grabbed the remote and turned the TV volume up to drown her out.

She pulled up a chair next to the bed anyways and took a seat. I sighed as she started to explain the procedure to me again and how it works. I hated this. We've already tried every day I've been here, and I haven't been able to produce anything. I might as well just give up. I can't even give my baby milk.

I grudgingly let the nurse help me pump again. I grimaced at how uncomfortable it was, especially with Marco in the room grinning like an idiot. I gave him a nasty look and he wiped the smile off his face. I hate doing this. I really do. I keep hoping that maybe it'll work this time, but it never does. I just need to face it- I'm a horrible mother.

After awhile the nurse took the pump off and sighed. "I guess we'll just have to try again tomorrow. Maybe in the morning?"

"Whatever," I whispered, looking down at my hands.

"Do you need anything? A drink, something to eat?"

I didn't bother looking over at my untouched dinner- a disgusting, rubbery sandwich and side of fruit cocktail. She made a clucking noise as she examined my tray.

"You haven't eaten a thing all day! Aren't you hungry?"

"Will you just leave me alone?" I requested harshly.

"You need to eat, Ellie. You need to keep your energy up and maybe this is why you haven't been producing any milk."

"Do you have to rub it in? I can't breast feed. So what? So my baby starves to death. Do you think I care?" I grabbed a magazine from my bedside table and started to flip through it. The nurse shook her head sadly and walked out, clucking her tongue the entire way.

Marco put a comforting hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off. "I wish you'd go, too. I'm so sick of everyone asking me if I'm okay. I'm _fine_. I can look after myself. I don't need you or doctors or my parents or Sean or Ashley telling me what to do and what to feel. I can do that on my own."

"I wasn't trying to tell you what to feel," Marco said softly. "How _do_ you feel?"

God, it was so funny I almost laughed. "Are you serious? Marco, I'm fine. I'm really not feeling much of anything right now, okay?"

"Then you need to talk to someone."

"What I need- is for everyone to leave me alone."

"We care about you."

"Nobody cares about me. And I sure as hell don't care about anybody."

He pulled back and stared at me. I just kept on reading the oh-so-intriguing article on how to get a guy to kiss you. Who the hell gets their kissing advice from magazine anyway? Besides, I think I know how to kiss. It's using a fucking condom that's slipping my mind.

"If you could have anything in the world right now, Els, what would it be?"

Marco was trying to get me to tell him my deepest wish. He wanted to surprise me with it and make me happy. Too bad my only wish was impossible. "You want to know what I want? I want to go back in time. If I could take back everything, I would. I would never have talked to Sean in detention. I never would have dated Sean. I never would have gotten pregnant. I never would of had Brayden. God, I wish I never had him."

"That's horrible. He's down there fighting for his life and you want him to disappear."

I didn't say anything. Step one- flirt with the guy! Step two- apply lip gloss! Step three- lean in closely! Step four- let _him_ kiss _you_!... Genius. Pure genius. How about step five, though? Let him take your clothes off. Step six- don't make him wear a condom. Step seven- have fabulous, life-altering sex. Step eight- congratulations, you're pregnant! You've officially ruined your life.

I kept on reading as Marco kissed the top of my head and left the room.

**Sean**

I sat on the stairs leading to the porch of my apartment and rested my head in my hands. When did everything get so hard? Why couldn't Ellie and I just go back to how we used to be- carefree, silly, _young_. Now I feel about forty years old. Already I feel like half my life is over. But at least I have something to show for it. I have a little boy, Brayden... And really, besides Ellie, he's the only thing I've got. He's _mine_. No one can take him from me. At least that's something pretty damn special to show for my life.

But it's been tough. It's been so tough having to look at him in the little... _box_, fighting for his life. The doctors say he's doing good. Well. I mean, he's doing well. And that his lungs are developing fast. But if he was getting so much better, why does he still have to be in that thing? Why can't he be in normal beds like the other healthy babies? And if he's so okay, why is Ellie so upset?

Ellie... I really don't know what to do about her. I love her. I know I do. But sometimes it's so hard being with her. Especially when she won't let me close to her. Every time I try and go to talk to her, she just pushes me away and refuses to say anything. I know her mom says it's normal for her to be like this. But, if her attitude is normal, and if normal is all I really want, why am I feeling so shitty?

It's like she's fucking abandoned me to take care of this baby by myself. _I'm_ the one putting the finishing touches on the nursery. _I'm_ the one visiting Brayden at the hospital. _I'm_ the one worrying about him. Sometimes I don't think she even cares.

She just sits up there in that room thinking of only herself. She gets herself all primped up and sits around watching TV and reading while I'm down on the fifth floor looking at my baby in a freaking incubator. I want to believe that she cares about Brayden, but I really don't think she does. And this confuses me like hell because she acted like Brayden was the most important thing to her. She was so worried about giving birth and being the perfect mom. And I'll comfort her and tell her she'd be the best mom there ever was.

I was wrong.

She's a horrible mother.

**Ellie**

I quietly wandered down the hallway. I didn't want any nurses to ask me why I wasn't in my room getting rest. Like I've even been sleeping. I haven't slept more than ten minutes these past few days, I think. No wonder I feel crazy.

The air in the hallway was chilly, and I shivered as I opened the door to the stairwell and went down a level. I hadn't even looked at him once since they took him away from me the day I gave birth to him. I didn't even look at him when they brought him up in his little incubator to sleep next to me. I couldn't. But now... I don't know. I was curious. They've been saying he's doing well. I want to see if they're lying.

I pressed my fingers and face against the glass and peered in. Where was he? Which one was him? That one? No... Over there? No... There. There he is. I little cry escaped from my lips as I took him in. He was so tiny. His little fingers were made into little fists up by his face as he slept. I watched as he slowly breathed in and out. He looks _fine_. So why the hell if he still in there? I knew it. They're trying to kill him. They want to take him away from me. Everybody just wants to take everything away from me.

I smiled a little as he kicked his little feel slightly in his sleep. He was dreaming. I wonder what he was dreaming about. In the back of my mind, I was hoping he was dreaming of me. But I doubt it. He doesn't even know me.

No one understands. No one. No one knows what it's like to give birth to something so beautiful and have it ripped away from you. And now he's in the NICU and he's under-developed, and it's all my fault. I should have taken better care of him. I should have had more doctor appointments, and I should have read more books on pregnancy. I shouldn't have gotten angry at Jay and reached for that damn remote. Maybe if I hadn't been so worked up, I wouldn't have gone into labor.

Should haves. What ifs. Ugh. That's all my life is right now. It's just a big second guess. A mistake. I don't even deserve to have a baby like him. I don't deserve anything really when you think about it. I'm just a horrible, selfish person looking out for number one. Me.

And, as if he felt my presence, Brayden yawned and opened his eyes. My quivering hand reached up to my mouth as I took him in. He blinked a few times, looking unsure of himself and his surroundings. And then he started to cry. I watched helplessly as he cried. He was crying because he was hungry or tired or upset and there wasn't anything I could do. I pressed my fingers against the glass and tried to give him a sign that I was there. It didn't help.

Tears spilled down my cheeks as I slowly backed away. A nurse was heading over to him now, and I didn't want her to see me this way. I wiped at my eyes as they overspilled with tears and tried to keep my body from heaving with sobs. I just feel so worthless.

_At Cavanaugh Park_

_Where I used to think my life would be good..._

**Ta da! One more chapter down. Next chapter- Ellie is released from the hospital... and she decides to go to school? Sean doesn't approve of the way she's acting. And who knows what else.**


	27. Don't Cry

**Chapter 27: Don't Cry**

_This is anything but fair._

_Don't say that it's not cause_

_you get what you want._

_And I..._

_Well, I don't want this situation._

**Sean**

I sighed and lifted the suitcase into the back of Ellie's mom's car. Ellie hung back and kept stealing glances back at the hospital. I put a tired hand on her shoulder and squeezed it gently. She shrugged it off and stepped away from me. I didn't even bother asking her what was wrong. It seems I'm _always_ asking her what's wrong. And do I ever get an answer? No. I get "fine". She's been "fine" this entire time.

"Honey, did you want to stop anywhere before I take you home?" Mrs. Nash buckled her seatbelt and adjusted the sunglasses on her nose.

Ellie leaned her head against the window and her red hair glinted in the sunlight. "No," she responded softly. I glared at the way she twisted her ring on her pinky finger. Why was her mom even bothering to baby her? What she needs is to grow up. I never thought I'd be saying that about her. But it's true.

The ride back to my apartment was silent except for the Broadway shit coming out from Mrs. Nash's CD player. If I hear one more song from CATS... I'll scream. _Has my moon lost her memory? She is smiling alone... Blah, Blah, Blah..._ I groaned and let my head fall back on the seat. Memories. Yeah, right. Too bad that's all I have of the good times Ellie and I've shared.

I've tried to be patient. I've tried to be nice. I've tried to be understanding. But I _don't_ understand it. Babies are supposed to make you happy. You're supposed to take care of them. Not ignore them and act like you never had one. Never in my life did I think I'd grow up to be a freaking single father. Hell, that's what I feel like.

"Well, here we are."

I grimaced at Mrs. Nash's overly cheerful voice. She's trying just way too hard here. Ellie threw the door open and stepped out. I watched as she made her way up the small front porch and into the front door. I grabbed her suitcase and followed her, a frown etched onto my face. Mrs. Nash glared at me and grabbed my upper arm. "You could at least _pretend_ you're a little happy she's home," she hissed into my ear.

"Don't treat me like I'm a little boy. I'm not your daughter. I don't have to do what you say." I yanked my arm away from her grasp.

She shook her head at me and went on up the stairs that led to my apartment. _Sure, go right on in. Act like you're invited_. She clucked her tongue at the mess that had piled up the past few days. Ellie glanced warily around the room at the dirty clothes and dishes flung across the living room. She screwed her mouth up and started to pick up the dishes. "Do I have to do everything around here?" she asked to no one in particular.

My mouth fell open. She did _not_ just say that. I did not just hear that. I took the dirty plates she had in her hands away from her. "Believe me, you haven't done a damn thing around here lately," I choked out, angry and fatigued.

Her shoulders dropped and she headed towards the bedroom. "I'm tired," she announced.

The nurse told me all she did the day before was sleep. A pang went through my heart and I set the plates back down. "I finished the nursery, El."

I walked towards her with a smile on my face and reached my hand out. In my mind, I imagined her taking my hand and me leading her into the finished nursery. She would sigh and say it looked perfect. And then we'd snuggle together in bed and talk about the baby before falling asleep in each other's arms. We'd be awoken by a telephone call saying we could bring Brayden home. That'd be perfect.

But things never go my way. She stared at my hand as if it were foreign before turning her back on me and walking away into the bedroom. I dropped my arm back to my side and stared in anger at the closed door in front of me.

"Sean?"

"Please just go. I wanna be alone."

"I want to talk to you."

"I don't feel like talking right now, okay? _Please_." I gritted my teeth and stared Mrs. Nash in the eye. She huffed slightly and folded her arms across her chest.

"I'll go. But I really need to talk to you about Ellie."

"Later." I showed her to the door and held it open for her.

"Christian and I will come back later on tonight. We want to drop a car off. We want Ellie to have a way to get places."

"That's very thoughtful of you. See you later." I closed the door and locked it behind her. I could still hear her talking from behind the door but I ignored her. Doesn't that woman ever _stop_? She's too much. Ellie's too much. Their whole freaking family is too much. This fucking situation is too much.

I fell into my chair and turned the TV on. I know I'm pouting. But I have a right to pout. My girlfriend's acting like some wacky schizophrenic with six bodies in the trunk of a car; her mom's being nosy; and there's the little thing called a _baby_ that I have to worry about. I hate my life.

**Ellie**

I slammed my hand down on the alarm and sat up in bed. I looked to my side but Sean wasn't there. He must have already gotten up for school. Weird. I'm usually the first one up. I yawned and walked into the bathroom to turn the shower on. I caught glimpse of Sean sleeping in his chair. Not even the sight of that could make me smile.

I dried myself off after my shower and wrapped the towel around me as I sat in front of the mirror and started applying my makeup. I reached my eyeliner up to my eye, but stopped. I didn't even feel like putting eyeliner on today. I didn't feel like doing much of anything. _Shut up, Nash. Get it together._ I let out a loud sigh and started framing my eyes with the black kohl.

"What are you doing?" I jumped at the sound of Sean's voice.

"Getting ready."

"For what? Are you going to the hospital?" he looked at me hopefully.

I laughed a little. "Why would I do that?"

I turned to face him and dared him to say anything to me. He looked at me with a disgusted look on his face. I've never seen him look so angry.

"Because you have a _son_," he spat. "Is that reason enough for you?"

I turned back to the mirror and applied my eyeshadow with shaky fingers. "What's the point?" Really, what _is_ the point? I can't hold him. I can't bring him home. I can't place him in his crib every night and sing him to sleep or anything I thought I'd be able to do.

"Why have you given up? Ellie Nash doesn't give up!" Sean shouted, throwing his hands in the air.

My lips trembled a little, and I put my fingers to them. He's right. Ellie Nash _doesn't_ give up. But I don't even know who Ellie Nash is right now. I didn't say anything as he continued to yell at me.

"You're walking around like you don't even exist! And it's _scary_. You're not making sense to me, El. I don't like being around you anymore."

"Oh, and you've gathered that from one day with me?" I shot back at him. "Stop thinking about yourself, Sean." I threw down my eyeshadow and stormed out of the bathroom. Sean grabbed a hold of my arm and tried to pull me back to him. I wiggled free and went on into the bathroom. Sean followed me.

"_I'm_ selfish? You won't even look at Brayden! How do you think he feels?"

"You don't know what I do when you're not there, okay? You have no idea."

"No, I know what you do. You read in front of your little window and watch your TV shows and take a shower and get dressed and put on your precious eyeliner. You take care of yourself, but you can't even take care of our son."

Once again, I'm proven to be a horrible mother. _Thanks a lot, Sean_. As if I didn't feel bad enough as it was. I pulled open my drawer and started rummaging through it.

"What are you doing!"

"Going to school!"

"You can't go to school!"

"Yes, I can!"

"You'll go to _school_, but you won't even go see Brayden? I don't even know you anymore!" Sean sat on the bed and put his head in his hands. "Argh!" he growled as he bent over.

I rolled my eyes as his stupid display of frustration and started pulling my little grey knickers on. I paired it with a mesh shirt, a silk polo, and a black tank top. There. Already I'm back to my old self. I jammed my feet into a pair of black Airwalks and grabbed my bag.

"When are you coming home?" he asked pitifully as I walked past him.

I turned around in the doorway. "I don't know, Sean. I have the Grapevine and the yearbook to worry about, too. See you later."

**Paige**

Alert the media! Ellie Nash is back in school. And looks _great_ if I say so myself. Well, not that she's ever been that fashionable to _me_- although I guess she does have that cutting edge type of fashion you see in Japan or something... Anyway, enough fashion talk. She's back to her old self, that I can say. Already we've exchanged a few nasty insults in the hallway. And I thought I was starting to lose my touch...

"I can't _believe_ Ellie is back in school," Ashley whispered to me in Ms. Kwan's class.

"Why not?"

"_Paige!_ She just had the baby. She's supposed to take a few weeks off. And instead she took a few days off? It doesn't make sense."

"The baby's in the hospital, Ash. It's not like she can do much. She'll take a few weeks off when he comes home."

"It still doesn't make sense to me. Where's Sean then?" Ashley tapped her finger on her desk for emphasis.

I mocked her action. "I don't know." I flipped my blonde hair behind my shoulder and clasped my hands on my desk. "Ash, relax. She seems fine to me."

"Well, you don't know her like I do."

_I know a lot more than you think_. I gave her a sad look and turned my attention back to Ms. Kwan as she began her lesson. Ellie slipped in a few minutes late with Marco and giggled as she took her seat.

"Ellie, back so soon?" Ms. Kwan looked just as surprised as Ashley had.

Ellie just nodded and continued to get her notebook and pen out. Ms. Kwan silently beckoned her to the front of the room and started talking to her in a hushed tone.

I leaned over to Ashley. "Well, she certainly doesn't look like she gave birth. I hope I look that good after I do."

Ashley rolled her eyes and kept on doodling little music notes in her notebook. I rested my chin on my hand and looked back at Ms. Kwan and Ellie. I watched as Ellie's face continued to grow an interesting shade of red as she argued quietly. Finally, she turned on her heel and made her way back to her desk, which was right by me, coincidentally.

"How's the baby?" I whispered to her as Ms. Kwan took role call.

She shrugged and started drawing in her notebook. What is with everyone not talking and just doodling? Where is my Hazel when I need her? I caught a glimpse of her on the other side of the room whispering with Jimmy and Spinner. Sigh. Why is she so lucky to have that seat? I'm stuck over here with Over-Concerned Friend and Basket Case.

* * *

"So, class was boring today. As usual," I remarked to Ashley as we walked out of Ms. Kwan's room. She nodded in agreement, but kept her eyes on Ellie who was walking a little in front of us. "Ash, why don't you just go and talk to her?"

Ashley looked at me and shrugged. "Ellie!"

Ellie slowly turned around and stared at us emotionless. "So..." Ashley began. "Why are you at school and not with Brayden?" She blurted out the rest, and I had to keep myself from laughing at the obvious embarrassment Ashley was feeling.

Ellie arched an eyebrow and placed her hands on her hips. "So you think you can dictate my life, too? Sean and you deserve each other."

"What's wrong with Sean?"

God. Ashley really just doesn't know when to stop.

"He's acting just as dumb as you are, that's what. Listen, I really don't feel like talking about this."

"I'm just concerned, Ellie. It's not right that you're here when Brayden is at the hospital missing you. That is, if he even knows who you are."

Even I was a little shocked with Ashley's forwardness. And this time, she didn't seem embarrassed by it at all. Ellie raised her chin in defiance and stared Ashley straight in the eye. "Ashley, just go write a crappy song about it. I'm through here."

I clapped a hand over my mouth as Ashley huffed off angrily. Woah. That hit Ashley in her soft spot. That's for sure. "Ellie! Wait up!"

"What now, Paige?"

I adjusted my purse on my shoulder. "I don't know. I just wanted to say I understand what you're going through. I understand why you're back at school and everything."

Ellie stopped walking. "Why? Do _you_ have a baby?"

"Well, no, but..."

"Then you _don't_ understand."

My mouth dropped in shock at her snappy attitude. "I was trying to be _nice_," I shouted after her.

She turned around in a cirlce. "I don't need you to be _nice_. I don't need your _sympathy_. I don't need anything from anybody."

**Marco**

I took another sip from my straw, glancing sideways at Ellie. She was slowly stirring her soup. Craig coughed and tapped his knife against his tray. "So..."

All of our heads snapped up. Was someone actually going to say something? Our entire table had been chatty until Ellie had sat down next to me. Even she was looking at Craig with mild interest. Her eyes seemed to be begging him to say something.

"Um..." he tried again. "Yeah, I got nothing."

Spinner shrugged and took out his spray cheese can from his backpack. It's tradition. One can every day. "So, anybody want to see me do a cheese race?"

We all rolled our eyes but Ellie jumped forward slightly in her seat. "YES!"

I gave her a weird look. She usually thinks Spinner's an idiot. Why the hell does she want to see him do something so... gross? He happily obliged and started spraying the cheese in his mouth. The rest of the table looked on in disgust and groaned as Ellie smiled and gave a few forceful laughs. Spinner set the can down a minute later and moaned. "Uhh... too much cheese!"

I shook my head in tepid amusement. He says that all the time. And yet, the next day, he's got a whole new can ready. It's kind of nice. In a sick, weird sort of way. The table fell to silence again as the "excitement" of Spinner's feat died down. Ashley cleared her throat.

"So you guys... Anybody want to join me for a trip to the hospital after school?"

"Why?" Spinner asked, confused.

_Don't even say it, Ashley. Don't say it!_ I silently begged her not to say what I knew she was going to say.

"To see Brayden, of course."

Ellie flinched and stopped stirring her uneaten soup. She placed the spoon down and straightened up. We were all watching her. We sat with baited breath for her reaction. Was she going to let it go, was she going to freak out, or was she just going to leave?

"I figure he needs _some_ guests since _someone_ won't go see him."

Oh God. Did she seriously just pull that out? Even Paige looked horrified that she'd say such a thing, and Paige lives for awkward moments like this. Especially if Ellie's invovled. Ellie's eyes darkened and she looked up at Ashley. Each of us in the circle held our breath. We knew it was coming.

"Congratulations, Ashley. You've officially stolen the Bitch of the Year Award from Paige. How does it feel?"

"Hey!" Paige whined.

"Ellie, I'm only stating the obvious," Ashley said in a controlled tone.

Ellie was less controlled. Her voice shook with anger. "You just can't let it go, can you? Why do you even care?"

"Because you're my friend. And he's your baby."

"This is stupid..." Ellie started to gather her things. "I should've known I couldn't come back and expect everything to go back to normal."

"Everything can't be normal, Ellie. You just had a baby."

"I KNOW! Damnit, Ashley. I _know_."

Jimmy stood up. "Okay, guys. Let's just calm down. Ashley, don't say anything else."

I placed a comforting hand on Ellie's back.

"But does that mean I have to give up _everything_ for this baby? Am I supposed to stop living my life just because I have to take care of him? It's not _fair_!"

I watched as she stormed out of the cafeteria, her red hair streaming behind her. I turned back to the table and looked at everyone else. Spinner continued to shovel food in his mouth; Craig stared at the table; Hazel bit her nails nervously; Paige was staring after Ellie; Ashley's arms were folded across her chest and she looked at her feet; Jimmy stared into space and shook his head.

* * *

"This meeting is officially adjourned. Great, guys. See you later." I banged my little gavel on the desk and smiled as everyone got up and gathered my things. I looked at the gavel. Ellie had given it to me when I become school President. It had "Hail to the Chief, Love Ellie" engraved on it. Oh, how things change...

"What's wrong with _you_?" Alex popped her gum in my face.

I flinched back and rolled my eyes at her unprofessional attitude. "Nothing," I lied.

"You'll have to do better than that to convince me." She pulled up a chair and straddled it. "So, what's up?"

"Ellie," I admitted.

"When _isn't_ it her? For someone who was never in the spotlight before, she sure brings up a lot of drama these days... I can't believe she's in school."

"Yeah, well, neither can anyone else. Especially Ashley. Ashley went off on her today at lunch."

"Figures. Ashley needs to mellow out."

"Yeah, but it _is _weird. I'm glad Ellie's back and she was actually starting to act a little like her old self, but then she shouldn't be, should she? I mean, Brayden's still in the hospital. Is this normal? Are new mothers supposed to just forget they have a baby?" I put my head in my hands and just let it all out. "And when I visited her in the hospital, she was so _different_. She didn't want to see Brayden, she wouldn't eat, she didn't really want to do anything but just _sit_."

Alex laughed and inspected her nails casually. "Marco? Ellie's sixteen. And she just had a baby. Did you expect her to be playing the mother-role so easily? Give the girl a break."

"I _know_ she's only sixteen. But still..."

"Sometimes new mothers act this way. They don't want things to change. You know Ellie- she _hates_ change. Maybe she's having an identity crisis."

"I don't think Ellie's ever had an identity crisis before. She knows who she is."

Alex laughed, "That's true. I don't know. Give her time."

"Maybe you could talk to her?"

"Well, I do have a way with her, if I do say so myself."

I smiled weakly and stood up with Alex. "Great. So talk to her and then call me, okay?"

"Wouldn't that be betraying her trust?" she teased.

"Well... just tell me if she's okay."

I gave Alex another sad look before slipping out of the classroom. Hopefully Alex can figure out what the hell is wrong with Ellie. Otherwise, I don't know if I'll ever see the old Ellie again. And I miss the old Ellie.

**Alex**

I found my way to the computer lab and strolled in, hands in the pockets of my signature low-slung black pants. Ellie was sitting at a computer, typing away. I slid into the seat next to her and looked at what she was doing. Ah, yearbook. I glanced at her MP3 player to see what she was listening to. Gah, _Bright Eyes_.

"Could you be anymore depressing right now?" I asked.

She slipped her headphones off and looked over at me. "Actually it puts me in a great mood," she responded sarcastically.

"Well, I almost mistook you for Ashley- so watch out. This depressed shit isn't good for your image."

She glared at me before looking back at the computer screen coldly. "Actually, I was listening to 'A Perfect Sonnet' and it's not that depressing. Kind of has a happy ending..."

"Thanks for the _Bright Eyes_ lesson. Here, let me pick you out a better song." I scrolled through the song list until I found the perfect song. "There, put your headphones back on."

She hesitantly slipped them back on and broke into a small smile when she heard _Porno for Pyros_ "Pets".

"Thanks," she whispered.

I watched for awhile as she finished listening to the song and continued to write text for the Music yearbook page. Let's see- what would I write? The music department at Degrassi... sucks. There. That'd do it. I smiled in amusement as Ellie listed the different achievements the department had for this year. Like anyone really cares.

After the song she slipped the headphones back off and looked over at me. "Is there a reason you're stalking me?"

"I'm not _stalking_ you. I just wanted to see what you were doing."

"Yearbook. Horrible of me, huh? I should be at the hospital, right?"

"I never said that."

"Well, that's what everyone else thinks. But they just don't get it."

"What don't they get?" I urged.

She stopped typing and stared off into space. "It's not that easy. They didn't carry something around with them for seventh months. I can't lose him. I lost Brayden once- I can't lose him now."

Huh? "Huh?"

She stared at me sadly. "I named him after an ex-boyfriend."

"Oh, _yeah_. Sean told us about it..." I vaguely remembered the story. I didn't want to have Ellie retell it. She already looked to be in enough pain as it was.

"I can't breastfeed; I can't hold him," she shook her head slowly. "I can't take care of him like I thought I could. It's my fault he was born premature. I didn't gain enough weight. I didn't take care of myself. I couldn't even take care of him when he was _in_ me. How am I supposed to take care of him now? I wasn't ready to have him..." her voice cracked. "I _needed_ those last two months to fully get ready."

"It'll be okay. You're a strong person."

"No, I'm not. I'm so _angry_. At myself, at Sean for not understanding what I'm going through, at my parents for babying me, at Ashley for not being loyal to me... My life is _never_ going to be the same. I can't do anything I want anymore."

"Ellie, if you don't think you can take care of Brayden, there's always adoption..." I decided to put the option out there. I mean, maybe Ellie isn't ready. Maybe Brayden would be better off in another home- with adults who can't have their own children and who would love to have him.

"No," her voice was forceful. "He's _mine_. I'm not giving him away."

"But if you don't want to take care of him, it's not fair for him."

"I'm so sick of everyone acting like there's such a thing as being fair. _Nothing_ is fair. If I give him up, great- maybe he'll have a happy life. That's fair, right? Well, what about _me_? I _need_ him. How's it fair to me to give up something I love more than anything?"

"Do you really love him?"

"How can you even ask that, Alex?" She gave me a shocked look.

"Because I'm tough. And I'm logical. I don't get all emotional like you do."

"Yes, I love him."

"If you love him, why aren't you at the hospital with him, right now? Why are you working on some stupid yearbook that'll end up in the back of everyone's closets within a year?" I know I'm being harsh, but this is what she needs.

She saved her work and got up. "I want to be there. But I _can't_." She looked back at the computer and turned it off. "You're right. Who cares about some shitty yearbook. Everything I do is so fucking pointless," she whispered.

I didn't take my eyes off of her as she walked out of the room. The whole point of my talk with her was to make her feel better. I think I failed. And to make things even worse, now I feel like crap. Maybe Marco's right. Maybe there's something seriously going on with her.

**Sean**

I hung my hoodie over the back of a chair and looked around the apartment. Ellie wasn't there. But it looked like she'd been cleaning. Maybe she's in... I walked to the nursery quickly and threw open the door. Nope, she wasn't in there. I looked around the room sadly. We'd planned this room for how long and now we don't even have a baby to put in it? _Don't think like that, Cameron_. I can't let myself think like that. Brayden's coming home soon. Even the doctors said so.

"Ellie?" I called out, willing to try to reach her again.

I heard a muffled crying coming from the bedroom. I rested my head against the door and listened to her crying inside. At least she was getting some sort of emotion out. But who's to say she isn't cutting in there? Worry gripped my heart and I tapped on the door before opening it.

Ellie stood up quickly and hid her hands behind her back. I felt defeated. She _was_ cutting. I walked slowly over to her and rested my hands on her elbows, bring her arms forward. "Let me see," I whispered.

She stared to the side as I traced over the two cuts she had made. They didn't look new. They looked like they'd been re-cut. I led her into the bathroom and sat her down on the edge of the bathtub while I sorted through the drawers, looking for band-aids and something to put over the cut.

I wet a washcloth with warm water and pressed it over her cuts. Then I rubbed some of the medical cream over them, making sure they didn't get infected. Then I placed the band-aids over them. I didn't kiss them like I normally would've. I didn't really feel like showing her any affection. After all, when's the last time she's shown _me_ any affection.

_It's a two-way street, Ellie_.

Her eyes met mine, and I thought I caught a glimpse of the person I fell in love with. She was still in there. Hidden, but still there. Somewhere. But not even that realization is good enough for me. I want all of her right now. I don't want to have to coddle her and wait for her to come around to her senses. I just can't do it anymore. It's too exhausting. This time, I won't let her play the victim.

Brayden's the victim.

I stood up and walked out of the bathroom, leaving her behind. I heard her say "I'm sorry", but I didn't care. All I care about is getting _my_ shit together so I can bring home my baby boy to a healthy living environment. I don't want Brayden coming home to a mom who cuts and hides herself in the bedroom or ignores all confrontation. That's not the kind of home I want him to grow up in.

I grew up in a home like that. I had parents who drank constantly, lost their jobs every month, and, though I don't deny that they did care for me and still do, growing up in a home like that really messed me up. It made me angry and bitter. And I won't let my son end up that way. I'll do anything to relieve him of that future.

**Wow, I'm ona roll with these chapters coming out. Okay, to answer a review... **

**Crashetburn- I don't know what DMV-IS-blah is. Maybe you could inform me. And I also don't know what paranoid schizophrenia is either. So maybe you can also tell me what I did to make it seem like that. And I didn't understand the bondage reference. I'm aware that more than one psychological problems or whatever can have a person have loss in appetite or become moody and have crying spells and all that jazz. But that doesn't mean that Ellie has every single one of them. I'm focusing on post-partum depression. So hopefully that clears it up.**

**Next chapter- Um... I think I'll have Brayden be healthy enough to come home. It may take place like a week later or something. Ellie will probably have an appointment with Dr. Brahm and that's when it'll probably start to come around that maybe Ellie's doesn't just have the "baby blues". And I think I'll have a scene with Jay and Sean trying to take care of the baby. Oh, and Tracker can probably be there, too. I might somehow arrange it so Tracker is in town. Maybe Tracker will decide to go back to school or something. That'd be cute. Anywho, thoughts/comments/suggestions. You guys are lovely!**


	28. Blurry

**Chapter 28: Blurry**

_Everything's so blurry_

_And everyone's so fake_

_And everybody's empty_

_And everything is so messed up_

_Pre-occupied without you_

_I cannot live at all_

_My whole world surrounds _

_I stumbled, then I crawl_

**Sean**

I cruised along the street in a fucking Lexus GX. Not kidding. I never though that I, Sean Cameron, trailer trash boy, would _ever_ be driving a Lexus. But I am. And it's all thanks to the giving wallet of Christian Nash. I can only imagine how _rich_ I look driving this thing. Jay turned the bass up even louder as we pimped out to Jay-Z. We were both kind of hoping the music would cheer Ellie up- whose grudgingly admitted that Jay-Z wasn't _that_ bad over the summer.

"Go read a book you illiterate son of a bitch; step up your vocab," Jay sang. He looked back at Ellie. "_Huh_? Huh, Ellie? Is that a smile? You like that line, right? It's your favorite part, right?"

That _would_ be her favorite lyric. Not even "Big Pimpin'" managed to get a smile from her, though. She just stared out the back window as we drove her to her appointment.

"Man, this is _sweet_. Whaddya say we take a road trip? British Columbia anyone?" Jay moved his head to the beat of a music. You'll never find Jay happier than when he's cruising in a top-rate car. He craned his head back and looked at Ellie. "Whaddya think, Nash?"

She looked at him and shrugged. "Fine with me."

Jay laughed. "Man, even _Ellie_ thinks so. Let's do it."

"Um, I would _if_ I didn't have a baby to take care of."

"Oh yeah, that's right. You're all mature and shit now. Look at Mr. Mature here, Ellie. He thinks he's so adult now that he has a kid."

"Not that Ellie would know anything about that." I looked at Ellie's reaction through the rearview mirror. She didn't say anything.

Five minutes later, I pulled in front of the building where Dr. Brahm's office was located. I put the car in park and turned around in my seat to face Ellie. "I'll pick you up in an hour."

She unbuckled her seatbelt and placed a hand on my chair, drawing herself close to me. I sucked in my breath as I waited for her. Was she actually going to kiss me? It's been forever since she's even touched me. Two weeks to be exact. Two weeks since she's even laid a finger on me.

But she didn't kiss me. Instead she opened her mouth and chewed me out quietly. "You think you're funny and clever and mature, don't you? I have news for you _big boy_, you're not. You don't know what I'm going through right now, okay? So don't you _dare_ treat me as if I'm some monster. Don't bother picking me up, and don't bother talking to me again."

I watched her silently as she backed away from me, tears sliding down her face, and jumped out of the car, slamming the door behind her. She wiped at her face as she entered through the large double doors that led into the building. I sat in the car for awhile, not moving. Jay was the first to say anything.

"Um, wow. Okay, she's crazy."

"I think she is," I agreed quietly. I shook my head and put the car into drive. "Whatever. She doesn't want me to talk to her again? Then I won't."

"Dude, you too _just_ got back together it seems like. Not that I really _care_ or anything, but something's up. Ellie Nash would never cry in front of me unless it was something serious."

I gave Jay's opinion little thought. I was just too fed up to believe that something could be wrong with her. I must admit that I'm kind of proud of how well I'm handling this situation. I'm staying calm and mature. This is the sort of dad Brayden needs. The thought of Brayden smiling up at me at the hospital made a grin spread across my face.

"Oh, God... he's thinking about the baby. Since when did you become such a pussy?"

"Jay you'll understand when you have kids of your own."

"I think Alex is totally against having kids. Ellie's even got her worried. And Alex _never_ worries."

I had to agree with him there. Alex was about as worry-free as they come. Nothing gets to her. A part of me wanted to talk to Ellie and try and figure out what was wrong, but another part of me just wanted to leave her alone and let her sort it out. After all, I have my own things to worry about.

"Can you believe Brayden can come home tomorrow?" I looked over at Jay as we stopped at a stoplight.

He drummed his fingers against the door and shook his head. "Nope. But it seems like he's been in the hospital forever."

"Yeah, I know."

I wonder if things will be different once Brayden is back at the apartment with us. Who knows, maybe that's exactly what Ellie needs. I just can't imagine what the hell could have happened to her after she gave birth. It's like she's totally shut off from reality or something. And as much as I want to just write her off, I can't. Because I still love her. I may not like the person she is right now, but I'm still in love with her. So, does that make me a complete idiot? I don't know, but I've gone for so long without having anything to call my own, and now that I've find it in her and Brayden... I'm not letting my family go.

**Ellie**

I sat still in the chair, my back as straight as a board and my hands resting on my knees. I couldn't even look Dr. Brahm in the eye. Maybe it was the embarrassment or the guilt I was feeling.. I don't know.

"Ellie? Our times almost up. Is there anything you want to say?" she looked at me expectantly over the brim of her chic glasses.

I rubbed my hands nervously up and down my legs and bit the inside of my cheek. What is with me? Why can't I go five seconds without crying today?

"How about we do an exercise. I say a word, and you say the first thing that pops in your head when you hear it. Okay?"

I sighed with annoyance, but nodded. I might as well just get it over with. Still, I couldn't help but feel like this was my first time in therapy with Ms. Sauve or something. It'd taken me four counseling sessions with her before I was even able to utter a word. Not many people would be that patient with me.

"Okay. Here we go: Cartoon."

"Childhood."

"Milk."

"Cow."

"Book."

"Fiction."

"Flower."

"Tulip."

"Daisy."

"Simple."

"Difficult."

"Me."

Dr. Brahm let out a peal of laughter and held up a hand. "I'm sorry! Oh, that's wonderful, Ellie."

"Why is that wonderful?" I was confused.

"It's just... sometimes you're funny without realizing it."

"I was being honest. I'm difficult. Aren't I?"

"The truth?"

"Yes. The Truth. Please."

She leaned forward and put a comforting hand on my knee. I crossed my legs, causing her hand to slip off. She ignored my action. "Everybody's difficult. Even those people that think they're easy-going and simple... they're not. You're not as weird as you think you are, Ellie."

"Who said I thought I was weird?"

"Okay, sorry. You never said that."

"Do you think I'm weird?"

"No! You're unique."

"That's a nice way of saying weird."

She smiled and looked at the list of word she had scribble down. "Okay... For cartoon you said childhood. What was your favorite cartoon growing up, Ellie?"

"I don't know... I really liked the classics- Looney Tunes. You know, you can watch them now, when you're older, and they're still as funny. But you see more of a mature humor to them. And I liked the Tiny Toons series. The modern version of Looney Tunes. It made me laugh so much."

"Who'd you like best from Looney Tunes?"

"I always liked Pepe Le Peu. And I guess you could say I always had a soft spot for Wile E. Coyote."

"But he was the bad guy!"

I leaned forward in my chair, suddenly animated with the talk of something other than recent events. "I know, but he was so persistent... I loved the little guy. I couldn't stand the Road Runner. He did absolute shit and always got away with it. Poor Coyote actually shows some focus and drive and ambition and never gets rewarded!"

"I guess you do have a point there. I think a lot of people sympathize for the Coyote secretly."

I nodded my head in total agreement. "I'm sure of it, too. He represents the simple man trying to make his way in life. And it's pitiful to watch him never get anywhere."

She smiled and looked back down at her notebook. "Milk makes you think of a cow. Why's that?"

"Well for obvious reasons... Milk comes from... Can I be honest here?"

She leaned forward and looked at me intensely. "Of course."

"I didn't really think of 'cow' first. The first word that popped into my head was 'baby', but I don't want to talk about that."

"Why not?"

"You're trying to trick me into talking about it right now, aren't you? I'm not stupid."

"No, you're not. You're very clever, actually. But can you just tell me why you don't want to talk about it?"

I mulled it over in my mind. I might as well just get it out there and over with. "It's embarrassing. What kind of mother am I if I can't even provide for my baby? I don't even want to be around him. And that's _horrible_. But I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. What's to become of me? So I'm one more teenaged mother statistic. Fucking great!"

I held back a sob as I let it out. It felt so good to just get out what I'd been holding in me this entire time. I looked back up at Dr. Brahm, expecting her to be looking at me with shame and hatred. But she wasn't. She nodded her head in understanding.

"Why can't you provide for your baby?"

"I can't breast feed," I told her matter-of-factly. "I didn't even want to breast feed before. I thought it was disgusting. And now... I guess that's what I get, huh?"

She smiled and folded her arms across her chest. "There are some people who just don't feel comfortable with breast feeding. It's okay, Ellie. And sometimes, those people change their minds after they give birth. You changed your mind?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"And now you feel... unfit because you can't?"

"Yeah, exactly. Unfit, worthless... You name it."

"And you don't want to be around him because...?"

"Because I'm a horrible mother! I don't even know what to do. Sure I aced the childcare project at school... but that was a little doll. This is the real thing. I feel like Brayden doesn't even need me."

I clenched my jaw and blinked back tears as I thought back to the night I had watched him cry in the NICU, unable to even relieve him of whatever pain he was feeling. He doesn't need me. What can I honestly give him that Sean can't? Nothing. Sean can give him everything he needs, so what's the point of having me around?

"You feel like you have nothing to offer. Ellie, look at me. Remember when we made a list of your good and bad qualities?"

I nodded tearfully.

"Remember that list. How many things did we put on that list? We put down intelligent, kind, gentle, passionate, honest, loyal... Ellie, those are _all_ things you can offer Brayden! He needs you. He needs you to show him how to treat a woman. He needs a strong woman figure in his life. You're strong."

I tried to take what she was saying to heart. But it's hard. How can I allow myself to see my qualities when I feel like this? I'm so sick of feeling this way. And I'm sick of everyone acting as if I'm this horrible person because I'm not happy. "Can we please not talk about this anymore?" I whispered.

Dr. Brahm stood up straight and adjusted her glasses. "Well... Yes. We can for today. Where were we before? Ah, book. You said fiction. What's your favorite book?"

I ran the sleeve of my sweatshirt across my eyes and nose. "Guess," I challenged her.

"Let's see. I bet it's something so off-beat and quirky... I don't know. _A Clockwork Orange_? _One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest_? Tell me."

"It's not off-beat. It's not quirky. It's a classic. _Les Miserables_."

"I've never read that."

"You should. Everybody should read it."

"Who writes it?" She opened her notebook again and poised her pen over it.

"Victor Hugo."

"Ah, okay. I'll check it out."

"You won't be able to put it down."

"Okay, tell me why it's your favorite."

I wrapped my arms around me and thought about the question. "I don't know. I think it's the characters. They're just so relatable; it's like each one of them represents a different quality. You have the police officer who's law-abiding and there's a right and wrong with him... He's judgmental and hard... And then you have the students of the revolution who are searching for truth and art and poetry and..." My voice trailed off and my eyes fell to my lap.

"Beauty?"

I looked back up. "Yeah. Beauty."

"Sounds like you. You believe in laws. You believe in morals and values and rules. But you also believe that some rules are just made to be broken. You're constantly searching for beauty- whether it be music or art or written word... You think that something better can always be achieved. You value truth. Am I right?"

I nodded.

"Just out of curiosity- is there a love story involved?"

I nodded again, a smile forming on my face. "How did you know?"

"Not to be forward or anything, but you seem like the kind of person that's been hurt before. You have a hard time trusting people. You don't fully let yourself out there because you're afraid of getting broken. You like love stories because they involve putting yourself out there. But usually they have happy endings. You like the idea of a pure and perfect love. A love story holds in the highest regards everything you treasure- truth, loyalty, and passion."

She was reading me like a fucking book. How the hell was she doing this?

"Anyway... tulips?"

I shrugged, "I like them."

"Simple?"

"Sometimes it's the simple things that count most."

"And then we're back to you being difficult."

"Yeah, me being difficult. Everyone thinks I'm difficult these days."

"Because you're not letting them in to how you feel."

"Yes, I am!" I argued.

"No, Ellie, you're not. You may say you're angry or you're sad, but you're not saying _why_."

"Yes, I have!"

"Then maybe you're not saying it loud and clear enough. I want to give you an assignment. I want you to go up to someone who thinks you're being difficult and say this: I feel... because... You can fill in the blanks yourself. You think you can do that?"

No.

"You have to let your guard down, Ellie. You can't hide behind your tough look anymore. You can't lift your chin in defiance anymore. Because it's not working. There is a sadness in your eyes that you can't hide. You want to be in control but right now you're out of control. I'm going to find a way to help you, though."

I stood up angrily. "You can pretend all you want that you know how I feel or what I'm thinking, but you don't."

"You're doing it, Ellie. You're pushing me away. You were finally letting me in, and now you're pushing me away."

I gathered my bag and started for the door. "Just because we played a little word association game doesn't give you the right to tell me there's something wrong with me. Because there isn't. I'm fine."

**Sean**

I looked up from the kitchen table as the door opened and slammed. Jay looked at me from his permanent spot on the couch and rolled his eyes. I saw him mouth "drama queen" and I smirked. I looked at the clock on the wall and grimaced at the time. It was one in the morning and she was _just_ getting in? Now I know her therapy session didn't take _that_ long.

"Where've you been?" I asked, trying to be all nonchalant as Ellie walked into the room.

She looked at me like I had just shaken her out of a daze. "What?"

"Where've you been?" I repeated. "Your appointment was over hours ago."

"I took a walk."

"For like seven hours? Long walk," Jay mused, his eyes glued to the boxing match he was watching.

She rolled her eyes and headed back towards the bathroom. "I'm taking a shower," she announced to no one in particular.

But at least she was talking.

She didn't come out of the bathroom for a half-hour and, by that time, I was struggling with my English assignment. I was supposed to read this poem and then write a page analysis about it. So far, I had no idea what the hell the poem was about. I glanced back up at the clock with tired eyes and sighed. If I didn't get working on this, I'd be up for hours.

The bedroom door opened, and Ellie emerged in her pajamas. I secretly watched her as she padded into the kitchen and got a glass of water, drinking it in the doorway as she looked at Jay, who'd fallen asleep in a contorted position. Her face looked composed and completely void of all emotion. If it wasn't for the sorrow in her eyes, I would have thought she was numb.

"I wonder if he's comfortable," she wondered out loud, her voice sounding foreign in the still room.

"I don't know," I offered lamely. Why are we being like this? Have we come this far only to dissolve into two strangers who can barely hold a conversation together?

"What are you doing?"

"Homework. English. Very painful."

"What is it?" She slowly made her way to the kitchen table and took a seat in one of the empty chairs next to me.

I handed her my notebook where I had written the assignment. She nodded and gave the notebook back to me. "Did you read the poem?"

"Yeah, but I don't get it."

"What do you think the poet was feeling when he wrote it?"

I racked my brain for something intelligent to say. "Mad?" Dumb. I know.

She nodded slowly, her mouth a straight line. "Mad. Maybe. Read it out loud."

I read it out loud to her. Halfway through she joined me, reciting the lines with me softly from memory.

"A lot of it depends on how you read it. You remember how you read it? Now listen to me say it."

I listened intently as she spoke the words to the poem. The words tumbled out easily from her lips, but every word looked like it hurt her to say it. Her voice was filled with raw emotion as she recited it to me.

"Now, what emotion do you get from it?"

"Sadness."

"Yeah, sadness," she repeated, looking down. I got the feeling we weren't really talking about the poem anymore.

"There's the part where he talks about what could've been. That's probably the saddest part of it."

"And why is he sad?"

"Because he lost something?"

"Yeah. He's lost something."

"But what? I don't get it. I mean, he never talks about what he specifically lost."

"That's what makes it so universal. He never pins it down to one thing. It could be about him losing a parent or a child or a lover... Or maybe it's just losing his comfort or... or pride..."

"You don't look very proud right now," I mentioned. Yeah, are you proud? Are you proud of how completely miserable you've been? And how miserable you've made me and everyone else? I narrowed my eyes at her.

She stared at her hands. "I'm not feeling very proud right now."

I blinked a few times at her honest remark. I reached forward to take her hands, but she snatched them away.

"El, what's wrong?"

"I don't really know. I'm sorry I'm acting like such a witch," she cried softly.

I wanted to comfort her and tell her that she wasn't, but I didn't want to lie. I kept screaming at myself to reach forward again and hug her as she cried, but I couldn't move. Instead, I stood still as she got up and retreated back into the bedroom.

That night, after I finished my homework, I crawled into bed alongside her. She didn't stir as I slipped under the covers, but I could tell she was awake. I didn't bother to kiss her on the cheek or squeeze her shoulder affectionately as I had grown accustomed to doing in the past. This time, I just laid in bed and thought about the page I had just written. I think I know exactly what the poet had lost that spurred him to write such a depressing poem: his girlfriend.

**I'm sorry I'm making Ellie so depressing and difficult. In case it wasn't apparent by the last few chapters: Ellie is dealing with post-partem depression. That's it. I mentioned "baby blues" before, but I meant that as the blues some new mothers have for a few days after giving birth. As this is a few weeks afterwards, it's definitely more than just "baby blues". I hope that clears it up. Thanks for all the encouragement you guys are giving me- you're too flattering. I'm only writing what I've seen experienced through people I know. I definitely didn't want to write something half-ass about such an important topic. **

**Next chapter- Brayden comes home! And I want to have someone express concern that Ellie might be suffering from post-partem depression, but I'm not exactly sure who I'll have do that. I know Dr. Brahm is realizing that it's probably a possibility, but I don't know too much about the confidentiality thing between doctors/patients. Is she allowed to express concern to someone else if she doesn't give away exactly what was said in the meetings? I'm not sure. It's something I'll have to think about. If you guys have any suggestions- I'm always up for them.**

**crashetburn- thanks for schooling me in the DMV-IR- thing... When I first read it I kept thinking Bureau of Motor Vehicles- my worst fear! lol I know some of the stuff Ellie's been involved with in the past- sex at a young age, drugs- is a lot to deal with, but I'm trying to make it as realistic as possible. I draw some things that people I know have dealt with- but only people who were very Ellie-like characters :) I've gone to school withsome highly messed up peoplein my tiny little hometown. But I really appreciate your constructive criticism.**


	29. Running Away

**Chapter 29: Running Away**

_And when I get close, you turn away._

_There's nothing that I can do or say._

_So now I need you to tell me the truth._

_You know I'd do that for you._

_So why are you running away?_

**Sean**

I poured myself a glass of milk and sat down at the table with a chocolate cupcake.

This morning Ellie had found the energy to make homemade chocolate cupcakes; I barely saved this one before she threw all of them into the trash immediately after they came out of the oven and were frosted. Now I sat at the kitchen table and watched as she made herself busy by making sure all three sets of playing cards were full decks. She looked up with distaste as I took my first bite of my cupcake.

"You're the one that made them," I reminded her. She rolled her eyes and went back to counting out the cards. I flicked her off and took a big gulp of my milk. It was ten in the morning, and I had convinced her to stay home and go get Brayden from the hospital later on with me. You would have thought I was trying to convince her to drink poison or something with the fight she gave.

"We're missing a queen of clubs," she muttered to herself. She rummaged through the drawer where the cards were kept but came up empty handed. "Great," she snapped, throwing the cards back on the ground.

"What's wrong?"

"We don't have a queen of clubs. Do _you_ know where it is?"

"When's the last time you've seen me play with cards? You're the one who was always playing Solitaire or something with them."

"Well, _I_ didn't lose it." She stalked off into the bedroom and slammed the door shut.

I finished my cupcake. Mmm. Chocolate in the morning. There's really nothing like it. A knock sounded on the door and I jumped up to answer it. Knowing my luck, it'll probably be one of Ellie's parents- all concerned or some shit. Instead, it was Tracker.

"Hey, man," I greeted. I slapped him on the back and held the door as he walked in.

"What's up, little bro? Where's the little lady?"

"The little lady is locked up in the bedroom- as usual."

"Ouch. That sucks. She's not getting any better?"

"Nope. No, she's not." I glanced at the door, slightly curious as to what she was doing in there. Crying, cutting, cleaning... one of those things. Take your pick.

Tracker stuffed his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels excitedly. "Well... I've something to tell ya!"

"What?" I arched an eyebrow. Since when has Tracker been excited about something? Then again, this is the first time I've seen him since he moved to Alberta.

"I think I'm staying here."

"Where?"

"Toronto. Here, in town."

"Really? Why?" I didn't mean to sound so unexcited, but, seriously, _why_? I thought his job was great in Alberta or something. Didn't he say he got paid thousands to do basically nothing?

He shrugged and tried to wipe the big goofy smile off of his face, but he couldn't. "I think I'm going to take some night classes. Get my GED. Go to school."

"College?"

"Maybe not college. Maybe some kind of business school or maybe even nursing? You're not the only Cameron who was pretty good in health."

Tracker? Businessman or nurse? The thought made me want to laugh. And I did. Out loud. Tracker didn't look so happy at the sight of me laughing at his future or whatever he wants to call it, but it is kind of funny. Tracker's always been the kind of guy who will do just barely enough to scrape by. And now, all of a sudden, he wants to actually do more?

"What's wrong with the oil business?"

"What's wrong with it? Nothing really. If you _like_ that sort of stuff. It's just... unsatisfying. And I see you here getting good grades and all this bullshit and you're actually doing pretty well, bro. I'm proud of you."

It's nice to hear someone say they're proud of me.

"And now you've got a son, and you're still keeping up with it. It's... what do you call it? Inspiring? Yeah, inspiring."

I thought of what this could mean. Tracker would be in town. He'd be able to come over and hang out and watch wrestling with me and Jay. He could babysit Brayden once in awhile. He could be that big brother I once had. Suddenly, the idea of him finishing school doesn't seem so crazy to me. It seems _right_.

I slapped my brother on the shoulder again. "Welcome back, man!"

**Ellie**

I didn't answer when Sean knocked on the door. I didn't want to face him or deal with his bullshit anymore. I was _tired_, I was _sad_, I was _hurt_. I traced the new cut I had made this morning with my fingers. Even my own skin felt foreign to me. I can't believe I'm cutting again. Well... not that I ever really _stopped_, but I was handling it so much better before. What the hell has happened to me?

I wish I could tell everyone what's bothering me, but I can't because I can't even pinpoint just one thing. It's a million different things. It's the pressure of being a new mom; it's the sadness that I can't be young anymore; it's the fear of taking care of a baby; it's the anger that Sean hasn't even tried to understand; it's anger at _myself_ for feeling this way... It's just everything.

The knocking stopped, and I heard Sean say something along the lines of it being pointless. Yeah, you said it Sean. It _is_ pointless. Why should you even bother to reach me? It's not like I was the fucking love of your life a month ago or something. Why can't he just try and be here for me?

And there I go again- wanting two different things at the same time. I need to lay off on Sean. It's not like he didn't try and talk to me when I was in the hospital. And he's being such a good father. And I'm so jealous of him. Why can't I be as happy as he is?

The door to the apartment opened and closed. I listened to the silence. Did he leave? I thought about it for a moment before jumping off the bed and crossing the room to peer out of the tiny window. I stood on my tiptoes as I watched Sean and... Tracker? Yeah, Tracker. They were heading towards the car. Where were they going?

Sean was holding the baby carrier.

_No. No. No. No. NO!_

I didn't care that I was still in my pajama pants and sweatshirt. There was no way he was leaving me behind and going to the hospital without me. I threw the bedroom door open and rushed to the other door. God, he can't just drive off without me.

I raced down the stairs and out to the front porch, my heart pounding furiously against my chest. I stopped when I saw that the car was already gone. With a sigh, I sat down on the step and pulled my knees to my chest. Of course. When did everything start going so wrong?

**Tracker**

"He looks like you, man."

I wiggled a finger at the tiny form of Brayden and laughed when he gurgled spit. Brayden _did _look like Sean. He had the same angular face, the nose, and the tiny amount of hair he had was a dark blonde.

"At least we know it's yours," I mused.

Sean didn't find it so funny. "Like I ever doubted it. Ellie would never cheat on me, Tracker."

"I know. I know. It was a joke. Chill."

"He's got her eyes, though."

"Brown?"

"_Hazel_. Come on, man. Ellie's got _hazel_ eyes."

"Sorry. Big difference!" I almost had to chuckle at how _crazy_ he was for this girl. Even when she's acting like a complete stranger. "So, she hasn't gotten any better at all?"

"Well, she actually sat down and helped me with homework last night. That's about as much of a conversation we've had. Usually she just sleeps or worries about cleaning or something like that. Can you believe she went to school the day after she was released from the hospital? Can you _believe_ it?"

I shrugged, "Sometimes people deal with things differently. You know, when mom had you she-..."

"Tracker, I don't even want to talk about it anymore. Let's just show off Brayden and get home."

"You don't have to go to school and 'show him off', you know."

"Yeah, well, I want to. It's better than going home to _her_."

I looked at Sean sideways as we walked up the sidewalk to Degrassi High School. "Cut her some slack. It's like when mom had you and-..."

"There's Alex and Jay. Come on," he cut me off.

I sighed with annoyance but followed him anyways. We caught up with Jay and Alex as they were heading into the school. I checked my watch. Ah, lunch would just be ending. I can barely remember what it was like to be in school, but I do remember that lunch was my favorite class. Besides freaking health. But I don't tell anyone that.

"Aw, look at the happy couple," Jay sneered. He socked me in the shoulder and I pulled the lid of his hat over his eyes.

"He's so cute!" Alex smiled and made baby noises to Brayden. She looked up suddenly with a murderous look in her eyes and pointed her finger at all of us. "Don't _ever_ tell anyone I just did that, kay?"

We laughed and continued to walk into the school, everyone sending us curious looks. I noticed a few people from the baby shower stealing glances at us, but I couldn't remember any of their names. Or maybe I just didn't care to remember them.

"What are you doing here?" Jay asked. "Dude, you don't even have to be here. Go home. Get it on with that sexy redhead that likes to hang around in your bed getting all hot and bothered."

Alex knocked him upside the head, and Sean pretended he didn't even hear him.

"I was kidding! You could freeze water on her ass, she's so freaking cold."

"Shut up," Sean ordered through clenched teeth. I could tell all this talk about Ellie was getting him more than pissed off.

"Is that Brayden?" A girl with short brown hair raced up to us. I took in her knee-length grey skirt and leggings. She leaned down over the baby and her earrings dangled in front of his hands. Brayden barely had the energy to raise his hand half-heartedly to swipe at the gleaming metal in front of him. We laughed as his tiny fingers lightly touched the earrings before going back to his sides.

"Yeah, we just got him today," Sean shared.

"Is Ellie with you?"

"No," I barged in before Sean could say anything rude.

"Oh," the girl's face fell and she sighed deeply. "Well... if you ever need help, Sean, you can call me. But I got to get to my voice lesson. See you later."

We all watched as she walked off. Jay wrapped an arm around Alex and squeezed her close to him. "Don't worry about us. Cutting class is our specialty. Besides, I think this is a good enough reason."

Sean rolled his eyes. "I want to show him to Mr. Ehl, Ms. Kwan, Mr. Simpson, and Ms. Hatsolakos. You up for that?" he addressed the question to me.

"No problem. This way I can check up on my little bro and his studies."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ms. Kwan's right this way."

* * *

I hung back as Sean introduced Brayden to all of his teachers one by one. Ms. Kwan and Ms. Hatsolakos both cooed about how handsome he was. They wished Sean the best and a speedy return to school. Mr. Ehl was Sean's shop teacher and he was our next stop. Sean introduced me to him.

"Tracker, this is Mr. Ehl. He's my student welfare sponsor."

I shook hands with him. "Thanks for sponsoring him. It would've sucked if he had to repeat his year again."

"I thought so, too. Sean says he's going to be the first to graduate high-school."

"Yeah, well, maybe second now," I flashed Sean a grin. "I'm planning on getting my GED soon. Maybe this summer."

"That's wonderful. I told Sean I was the first to graduate in my family..."

I listened intently as he went on to tell his own story of educational ambition and success despite the odds all being against him. It made me feel good to know that Sean had a role model for him in Toronto while I was away. Not that I was much of a role model or anything. Still, I like to think I was a pretty cool big brother.

Mr. Simpson was our last stop. Now I remember him from the baby shower. We had talked a lot about hockey and other things. He was a pretty cool guy. He shared with us how scared he'd been when his wife had given birth to their first child together. I smiled as he gave Sean some words of encouragement, but my smile fell when he asked about Ellie.

"Well, um," Sean shrugged and laughed nervously. "You know how she is, Mr. Simpson."

I don't think he did. He looked curiously at Sean, but my little brother wasn't giving any more details. At least he wasn't ragging on her, though. That much I can be thankful for.

I decided to put my two cents in. "Ellie's a little upset that Brayden's been in the hospital for so long. She's still getting used to being a mom." I wasn't exactly sure if that was true, but it sounded good. Plus, it _was_ probably true, when you think about it. What new mom _isn't_ scared?

Mr. Simpson smiled. "I remember how Christine was. She couldn't stop worrying about Jack. She'd wake up all the time, thinking she heard him cry. And when he would cry, _she_ would cry. It's hard to be a mother. Ellie will deal with it, though. She's a good girl."

I heard Sean mutter something under his breath, but I couldn't made it out. Mr. Simpson sure did, though, because his eyes narrowed and he looked at Sean sharply. He didn't say anything, though.

"He's a nice guy," I commented as we stepped back out into the hallway.

"Yeah, but did you hear how he was defending her? He acts like she deserves to treat me and Brayden like she is."

"Dude, he didn't say anything like that."

"Oh, but that's what he meant. Telling us that his wife was the same way. He doesn't even know what Ellie's acting like. If he saw her, he'd understand why I'm so pissed off."

"He wasn't defending her."

"He _always_ defends her."

"Sean, shut up."

He cast a stony glare at me, but did as I told.

"Let's just go," he muttered after a few moments of silence.

God. Talk about moody... Sometimes Sean acts like such a girl.

**Sean**

We were almost home free. _This _close. Just a few feet away. Too bad _she_ had to stick her head out.

"Sean, is that you?"

I groaned inwardly as I turned around to face _her_. Ms. Sauve. The devil incarnate herself.

"Is that Brayden? Can I see him?"

What was I supposed to say? No? I slowly retraced my steps back to the door of her office and held the baby carrier up so she could get a better look. Trust her to see me through her stupid little window.

"He's so _cute_! Oh, he looks just like you. Oh, but he's got Ellie's eyes."

I gave Tracker a satisfied grin. See, I'm not the only one who knows what Ellie's eyes look like. I watched in bleak silence as she made over my son. She made goo-goo eyes at him as she baby-talked crap about his hands and feet and toes and whatever else she found insanely cute. I glared as she stuck her tongue out at him, and I couldn't help but picture a snake at the sight. That's her alright. A snake. She slithers her way into your mind and squeezes all the bullshit problems out of you. It's not like she even helps at all. She just makes things worse. How many times did I have to talk to her when I was failing classes or when I got into that fight with Jimmy? How many times did she try and get me to admit that I was stealing stuff from around the school? And now she thinks she can get into my kid's head?

"If you don't mind, I have to go," I started.

"Oh, Sean, wait a second. I just wanted to ask you how Ellie is? I saw that she was in school really early... is she okay?"

"She's fine," Tracker butted in.

I sent him a what-the-fuck look. Why is he constantly taking over when anyone asks about her? Well, I'll show him. _And_ her.

"Actually, Ms. Suave... I wanted to talk to you about Ellie. I think she needs to talk to you or something." There. That'll teach Ellie for acting like a psycho. We'll see how crazy she acts once Ms. Sauve's on her case again.

"What's going on? Can you come in and sit down for a minute?"

"We should really get going, Sean..." Tracker tugged at my sweatshirt.

"Actually, I've got a few minutes to spare. I'll sit down."

I stormed into her little office and set Brayden down on the floor near a chair. I took a seat and folded my hands behind my head, leaning back a little. Hell, this is going to be easy. Ms. Sauve took a seat behind her desk and pulled out a small notebook.

"I hope you don't mind if I take down a few notes?"

"No way. Go ahead. Write all you want."

"Okay," she looked at me hesitantly. She was wondering why I was being so easy about this. If you only knew, Ms. Suave...

"Okay, well it goes like this," I began. I looked over at Tracker. "Tracker, don't butt in this time, okay? You haven't even been around. Okay, so Ellie gives birth, right? Then she wouldn't talk to anyone. She wouldn't let me see her. She wouldn't let her parents see her. Nobody. Ashley and Marco managed to sneak in and see her and she acted like she was on crack or something, they said. She was crazy. So, she wouldn't visit Brayden; She won't eat; she either doesn't sleep for days or sleeps the whole damn day; And if she's not in front of the TV, she's wasting away in bed. Um, okay, she made cupcakes this morning and fucking threw 'em away. I barely saved one for me to eat for breakfast."

"Cupcakes for breakfast?"

"Hey, she made them. She tempted me. Anyway, she won't talk; she has these, like, crying spells where she just gets started and can't stop; she walks around like a zombie... I don't get it. What do you think it is?"

Ms. Sauve folded her hands primly on her desk and stared down at her notebook. "Hmm..."

I raised an eyebrow. Come on, broad. Are you going to say something or not?

"I wouldn't want to say for sure what it is, Sean. I'm not trying to pretend like I have all the answers or anything..."

Oh. Now she admits that.

"Have you talked to a doctor about her yet?"

"Um, no?"

"You might want to do that. A lot of times Sean, new mothers go through something called the postpartum blues. Do you know what that is?"

I just stared at her. Post-what?

"Postpartum blues. It affects 50-75 of women after giving birth. It usually doesn't last too long, but it's feelings of anxiety and fear and sadness. It usually takes a little reassurance and help around the house to relieve it."

"And you're saying Ellie has this?"

"Well, actually Sean... I'm saying that Ellie might... maybe it's more than just the 'baby blues'... that's a nickname for it."

"Uh-huh..." I can't believe she thinks I believe this shit. I've never even heard of this before.

"You say she didn't visit Brayden?"

"Yeah, she wouldn't visit him. She won't even talk about him. And whenever I try and ask her why she's being this way, she just blows up at me and says I don't understand or something as stupid as that. Of course I don't understand. How am I supposed to understand when she won't even talk to me?"

"Has she expressed any fears that she won't be a good mother or anything?"

I tried to think of an answer to that. "I don't know. I can't remember. I guess she can't breast-feed," I blushed as I said the term... "and that kind of has her bummed."

"Mm-hmm."

She looked at me as if she wanted me to say even more. But what else could I say? I didn't want to be in here all day.

"Listen, this is dumb. She'll get over it." I stood up quickly and bent down to pick the baby carrier, holding the now sleeping Brayden, up.

Ms. Sauve also stood up. "It's not dumb, Sean. It could be serious. I think you should talk to a doctor."

"I don't want to talk to a doctor, okay?" I snapped. She was seriously starting to get on my nerves. I guess this is what I get for ratting Ellie out.

"Okay, you don't want to talk to a doctor? Fine. Sean, do research, _something_. You care about her, right?"

"Yeah, of course I care about her."

"This is something that she might need help for. She could have-..."

Brayden started crying. I groaned and looked at his red face. "I gotta go," I blurted out before heading towards the door.

"Wait, Sean!"

I shut the door tightly behind me. "Move man," I commanded to Tracker. "Hurry before she decides to chase me."

"She wouldn't chase you."

"Wanna bet?" I challenged. I looked over my shoulder as I walked as fast as I could.

I didn't relax until I had buckled Brayden into the car and was sitting behind the steering wheel. "That could have been bad. She'll talk your ear off."

"Um, you're the one that wanted to talk to her."

"Yeah, but... it was dumb. But now she'll probably harass Ellie, so some good came from it."

"Damnit, Sean- will you just listen to me for one second?"

"What, man?" I was starting to get impatient with Tracker and his constant interruptions.

"I tried to tell you before about Mom."

"What is this about Mom all of a sudden? Is something wrong?"

"No. I just wanted to tell you that- okay, so I don't really know how bad Ellie's been because I've been busy and haven't been around recently- but... when Mom had you I was, like, nine, right? Yeah, I was nine because you're sixteen and I'm twenty-five."

"Dude, I'm glad to see you can do simple addition. You'll have that GED in no time."

"Smart ass. Anyway, mom had you and afterwards she was really upset, you know?"

"No, I don't know. I was a baby. What do you mean she was _upset_? What was she like?" Why would my mom be upset after having me?

"She was just upset that she had another baby and-..."

"Gee, _thanks_, Tracker," my voice dripped with sarcasm. "Are you saying I wasn't wanted?"

"No, man! Will you just listen to me? She was upset because we didn't have a lot of money, and Dad had just been laid off at the factory, and she thought she was too old to be having another baby. And so she went and, like, locked herself in her bedroom for days. She wouldn't come out. I remember Dad sleeping on the couch."

I stopped at a stop sign and turned my head to look at Tracker. "Are you saying Mom acted like Ellie is?"

"Yes, man. That's exactly what I'm saying. From what I've heard, Ellie and Mom? Exact same reactions. Maybe Mom's reaction wasn't as extreme as Ellie's, but pretty close. I mean, Mom didn't sleep. She wouldn't eat. She was _always_ worrying about you. So, instead of not seeing you, she was with you _constantly_. She'd watch you constantly. She wouldn't even leave if you were sleeping."

"Are you serious?" God, didn't I feel like a horrible kid. What the hell did I do that Mom had to go and act like that?

"No, I'm making it up. Of course I'm serious, Sean. I wouldn't be saying it if I wasn't."

"So, what's the point of this? What was wrong with Mom?"

"You know what that lady said about Post-blah blah blues? Yeah, well, Mom had something kind of like that, but more serious. It was some kind of depression."

"So Mom was depressed?"

"Yeah, but it wasn't just depression. It had a name to it. I forget. She had to go on medication, man."

"Seriously, Tracker?" Great. Ellie's crazy, and now she's going to have to go on medication.

"_Yes_. Dad didn't know what to do, though, until Mom started talking about hurting herself. She complained that she couldn't sleep because she couldn't stop worrying about you so she took sleeping pills. Except she took a bunch of them. Sean, Mom had to go to the hospital and get her stomach pumped."

I screeched to a halt in the middle of the intersection. I hadn't even realized I'd just ran a stop sigh at a four-way stop. Some guy in a truck flicked me off as I quickly cleared the intersection with embarrassment. I stared straight ahead and thought about what Tracker had just said.

"Did you hear me, Sean?"

"_Yes_, I heard you." Of course I heard him. Loud and clear. But did Mom seriously try and kill herself or did she just get confused and take one too many sleeping pills? My palms sweated as I thought about it. What the hell had she been thinking? What the hell was _Ellie_ thinking?

"So, you're saying Ellie's going to try and kill herself?"

"No, not at all. Not everybody goes and tries to hurt themself."

"Ellie already hurts herself. She cuts."

"I'm just saying that I don't mean she's going to go and hold a gun to her head or something. I'm just saying that maybe you aren't taking this seriously enough. I think Ms. Sauve was trying to tell you the same thing back there."

"Ms. Sauve doesn't know what she's talking about. Ellie's _fine_. She's not crazy."

All of a sudden I felt the familiar urge to defend Ellie. She's my girlfriend. My love. I can't just sit around and listen as two amateurs try and tell me that she's a psychotic suicidal freak or something. So she's having a bad day. Or two. Or twenty-three. It doesn't mean anything.

"I didn't say Ellie was crazy. Neither did Ms. Sauve. Mom wasn't crazy. She was upset. _Deeply_ upset. She was anxious about money issues and her ability to raise you and... I don't know. Just a lot of things. Dad still talks about it, you know."

"No, I don't know. There are a lot of things I don't know. Why didn't anyone ever tell me?"

"Why upset you?"

"Because she's my mom?"

"She got better, Sean. She just needed to take some anti-depressants and talk to someone."

"So, Ellie has to go and take some crazy pills?"

"Dude, I don't think you get it. Crazy and depression aren't the same thing. Do you really think Ellie needs to be put into a straight jacket or something? She's not freaking Hanibal Lecther."

"Who?"

"_Silence of the Lambs_."

"_Ooh_."

"I'm just saying that maybe you _should_ talk to a doctor. Or have her go see on. Go see one together. Something, Sean. It helped Mom."

I pulled up into the driver of his friend Greg's house where he was staying. He put a hand on the handle. "What do you think?"

I shook my head. "I think you don't know what you're talking about. Why should I listen to someone who kept Mom's depression secret from me for sixteen years? Ellie's not like mom. Mom was a drunk and could barely hold a job and dropped out of high school. Ellie's smart and has morals and she's going places."

"Do you think it's a disease that only plagues people like Mom? Cause if you do, you're more ignorant than I thought."

"Since when do you know big words like 'ignorant'?" I spat as I put the car into reverse and left him standing in the middle of the driveway.

**Ellie**

"Hello?"

I looked up from my spot on the couch as Sean came through the front door, a baby carrier in his hands.

"Where've you been?" I accused.

"_Walking_," he shot back. Cute. He was making fun of my excuse from last night. This morning. Whatever.

I chewed my lip as he came closer. Was Brayden in there? Was he awake or asleep or hungry or... A heavy feeling overcame my heart. What does it matter, really? Sean can take care of him. I'd just get in the way.

I watched silently as Sean placed the carrier on the kitchen table and headed towards the refrigerator.

"Don't leave him alone!"

He shot me a look. "I'm _two feet _away."

I shut my mouth. I could see my little Brayden opening and closing his mouth. Was he hungry? He _looked_ hungry. Sean was busy preparing his formula. My hands shook as I watched him. He was fixing it like an expert. I didn't even know how to do it. He carefully picked Brayden up out of his carrier and cradled him in his arms, taking a seat in his favorite chair. I yearned to sit on the arm of the chair and be near Sean and my baby. Instead, I stayed where I was and sat in silence as Sean fed Brayden his formula. It was too picture-perfect. It would make a wonderful photo. I suppressed the urge to get my camera and take a few shots.

"Don't forget to burp him," I told Sean when Brayden was finished.

He rolled his eyes and looked at me furiously. "You wanna come over here and do it?"

I didn't say anything.

"No, of course you don't. You're too selfish."

His words felt like someone was kicking me in the gut. "I know you don't like the person I am right now, but... I don't like the person you're becoming," I informed him quietly.

He rocked Brayden slowly in his arms and smiled sadly. "You're the one making me this way."

I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "Yeah... I guess I am. Well, uh, I'm going to go to bed. School tomorrow..."

"Tomorrow's Saturday."

I sighed, "_Yeah_, well.. You know..."

But he didn't know. I stopped in the doorway of the bedroom and turned around. My mouth felt like sandpaper as I opened. "Sean?"

He looked up.

"I still do love you," my voice was small and tearful. "And I do love him."

He looked down at Brayden and back up at me. I closed the door.

**Sean**

I wiped my eyes as I turned the lights off in the nursery. Brayden had fallen fast asleep his feeding, and I was wiped out. I started towards my bedroom but stopped when I saw the closed door.

_I still do love you. And I do love him._

I love you, too.

_I'm just saying that maybe you aren't taking this seriously enough. _

_It was some kind of depression._

_Mom started talking about hurting herself._

Well, I wasn't going to let it go on until Ellie ended up in the hospital or worse. And I

wasn't going to let anyone tell me I wasn't taking it serious enough. I decided to stop thinking about going to bed and, instead, headed towards the computer. Ms. Sauve said I should do some research.

I logged onto the internet and went to a search engine. What should I put in, though? What exactly am I looking for?

_It was some kind of depression_.

I typed in depression.

Okay, woah. _Too_ many options.

I thought about it a little longer. Okay, if I were some kind of computer-nerd like Toby, what would I type in? _Think, Cameron. Think._

Okay, Mom started acting different after she had me. And Ellie started acting different after she had Brayden. So...

Birth + Depression.

Search.

I scanned the results. I clicked on a link that said "Depression after the birth of a child". That seemed like my best bet.

Postpartum depression.

I decided to read out loud: "Postpartum depression is a complex mix of physical, emotional, and behavioral changes that occur after giving birth that are attributed to the chemical, social, and psychological changes associated with having a baby. It affects about one in ten new mothers. You may experience alternating 'highs' and 'lows', frequent crying, irritability, fatigue, and feelings of guilt, anxiety, and inability to care for your baby or yourself. Symptoms range from mild to severe and may appear within days of the delivery or gradually, even up to a year later. Treatment with psychotherapy and antidepressants is very effective."

I took a deep breath. This sounds like her. Now that I know what she's thinking and feeling exactly, but the crying spells and irritability? That's definitely her.

I read on. "What factors increase chances of postpartum depression? Marital conflict." Well, Ellie and I aren't married. That might be upsetting her. It's not exactly comforting. "Ambivalence about the pregnancy."

Ambivalence? I quickly looked it up. Mixed feelings. Yeah, she's definitely had mixed feelings.

"Age at time of pregnancy. The younger you are, the higher the risk."

Ellie's only sixteen.

"Depression before the pregnancy."

Well, something was making Ellie cut before. And starve herself. Something was going on with her.

I scanned through some of the other factors that didn't really apply. Ellie doesn't have any other children; she doesn't have money problems; she's had enough support from family and friends...

"Pregnant women with active eating disorders or a history of eating disorders are at increased risk of postpartum depression."

My stomach sank.

So, let's take into consideration that Ellie fits at least five of these factors. What does this mean? Does this mean she could have this? Is this a really dangerous condition? I tried to read the rest of the page, but my mind was swimming with the information I'd just read. I looked back at the bedroom door.

Maybe Ms. Sauve was right.

Maybe _Tracker_ was right.

I turned off the computer and rubbed my neck as I headed to bed. This was just all too much to deal with right now. Maybe Ms. Sauve's suggestion that I need to talk to a doctor is a good one. Only a doctor can really give me the advice and answers I need. And maybe I could even talk to my mom. Obviously, she knows what Ellie's going through.

I slipped into bed after taking my clothes off. I thought back to last night. I hadn't even kissed Ellie goodnight or shown any sign of affection. This time, I wasn't going to ignore her. I wasn't going to ignore the problem staring me in the face. I rolled over to my side and nuzzled my face into the back of her neck and kissed it softly.

"I love you, too," I whispered to her. "And I'm going to get you help. You're going to get better."

**Okay, extra long chapter because I won't be able to update until Wednesday. I'm going home for a few days. Yay! So finally Sean is getting some answers as to why Ellie's acting so different. Next chapter... Um, not to sure right now because I haven't thought about it. So, who knows. But comments/suggestions, please! Please:) I want to know what everyone thinks of this chapter and how everything came out. Stupid? Good? **


	30. Out of Reach

**Chapter 30: Out of Reach**

_Long way from home,_

_lost by an echo I'd never have known. _

_I've got pictures to prove I was there,_

_but you don't care._

_Here's me overseas,_

_across the pond by the Dover peaks._

_I've smuggled myself into new nationalities._

_You think you'd be proud of me._

**Ellie**

I blinked my eyes slowly, staring at the dark wall in front of me. It was close to four in the morning, and I still had yet to fall asleep. I sighed and willed myself to grow tired. I just wanted to sleep and never think about anything again. Ha! Fat chance of that happening.

Instinctively, I reached to my side and grabbed a hold of Sean's hand, which was strewn loosely across my waist. I remembered the moment he had slipped into bed and kissed my neck. He told me he loved me. Still. After the complete wreck I've been, he loves me. I rubbed his hand lightly as he breathed softly behind me. I always thought Sean would be a snorer. But he's not. I like that.

I looked at the clock again. It read 4:00. I let out a breath and slowly sat up. Maybe I'd go get a drink or something. I shivered a little as I slipped out from underneath the covers and walked quietly over to the door. I glanced at Sean before slipping out. Still sleeping like a baby.

_Baby_.

Maybe I should just check in on him. I mean, what if he's crying and we can't hear it through the little radio? I slowly tip-toed into the nursery, careful not to make any loud noises. Nope, he wasn't crying. I stood over his crib and stared at him.

He really is perfect.

And then, as if he sensed my presence, his eyes started to flutter open. I gasped as he looked at me for a moment before breaking into a big yawn. He could tell I was standing over him. He could just tell. It's like we have a special force between us or something. A bond.

"Hi," I whispered. I curled my fingers over the railing and leaned over to look in. "Hi," I repeated.

He kicked his arms and feet around.

"Oh, you're going to be such a _big_ boy!" I cooed. He kicked his little legs again.

"You want me to hold you?" I swear I saw him nod, so I reached my hands in to grasp his little sides.

As soon as I started to pull him up, he let out an earsplitting shriek. I quickly set him back down.

"What? What's wrong?" I cried. I wrung my hands together as I backed away from the crib. Why was he crying like that? Did I do something wrong? I let my hands drop to my side with defeat. I _did_ do something wrong. I squeezed my eyes shut and willed Brayden to stop crying. _Stop crying!_

"What's going on? Ellie?" Sean asked sleepily, coming up from behind me. He pushed me aside slightly and headed towards the crib. "Shh. It's okay, man. Daddy's here."

I watched as he expertly picked Brayden up and held him close, the baby's cries already starting to cease. I kept backing up until I reached the doorway. I had tried to be there for my baby, but he didn't want me. Sean stroked Brayden's back and swayed side to side. "Are you hungry?" He looked over at me. "I think he's hungry. It's not his diaper."

I nodded lamely. What else was I supposed to do? Sean looked at me expectantly, but I didn't say anything.

"Will you fix a bottle?"

I gripped the doorknob and twisted it tightly. "What?"

"A bottle? Will you fix one?"

"I don't know how..." And it was the truth. I didn't know how to fix Brayden's bottles. I didn't know the first thing about taking care of a baby. Maybe I did well with my pseudo-baby in health... but that was a _pseudo_ baby. It was a machine that didn't actually require me to give it formula. It didn't cry because it didn't know me. It thought I was it's mother. Unlike Brayden, who doesn't even know who the hell I am.

Sean stared at me and sighed. "How about I show you?"

My first instinct was to say no. I didn't want Sean to teach me. _I'm_ supposed to be the one teaching him. He's the one who's supposed to be helpless when it comes to our baby. I'm supposed to be the expert. "Um..."

"Please, El." He walked over to me and leaned his forehead against mine, looking deep into my eyes. "We need to get better. Brayden and I _need_ you."

I didn't turn away as he placed a little kiss on my nose. Was he telling the truth? Did he and Brayden really need me? Was I that important to them? What could I honestly offer the two of them? "O-okay," I stammered nervously.

Sean's face broke into the first smile in a long time. He carried Brayden into the kitchen with one hand and led me by the other. I gripped onto his hand as if it were the only thing keeping me from falling off the edge. What _would_ happen if I just fell off the edge? I already feel as if I'm a little crazy, so would I actually go completely insane? Would I be committed and never see my friends or family again?

_You are crazy, thinking like this_. I need to be happy. I _need_ to be happy. Why can't I just be happy? I'm trying. I really am. I've been trying to hold Brayden and confront him for weeks it seems like. It's just not as easy as I thought it'd be. I just want my old life back.

"Okay, this is his formula. Will you hold him while I mix it up?" Sean held Brayden out for me. I hesitantly reached for him and touched his hand, but pulled away.

"No. I don't want to hold him."

"Come on, El. He wants you. See?"

He didn't want me. Every time he looked at me his face grew red and his eyes swelled up with tears. I shook my head quickly. "No!"

Sean sighed and put Brayden in his little carrier seat that rested on top of the kitchen table. "You're gonna have to hold him sometime."

I didn't bother commenting. I just leaned against the kitchen counter as he prepared the bottle, showing me step by step how to do it. I nodded in the places that I felt I had to, but didn't really take anything in. It just all seemed so complicated.

"How about you feed him now?" he held the bottle out to me. I just looked at it with a stupid look on my face. It was like I'd never seen a bottle before. Sean shook the bottle a little. "Please? Feed him."

I _wanted_ to reach out and take the bottle, but something was stopping me. It was this delusional fear that gripped me. It was constant and deep and made no sense at all, but it was still there. Controlling me. I backed away from Sean and shook my head. "I can't," my voice broke.

"Why not?" He looked tired and exasperated and _old_. Did _I_ look that old? I touched a hand to my face and felt it. Was this whole motherhood ordeal making me age prematurely?

"I just can't," I told him. I took a glance at Brayden and crossed my arms. "I'm going back to bed."

"Ellie, please..."

"Sean, please don't do this. I don't want to fight."

"I'm not trying to fight. I think you need to take to someone."

I stopped walking and turned around. "Talk to someone? About what?"

"About your denial. Your fears. Whatever is going on with you... You just need to talk about it. It's scary."

"Sean, I'm fine."

"No, you've changed. I think it's serious. I think you might have po-..."

"_I've_ changed? You're the one who's changed!"

"Oh, really? How so?"

"You're _boring_! You never have fun anymore. You're always so busy taking care of-..."

"Taking care of _my kid_? Yeah, because I have a kid. I can't go around and party and not give a shit anymore. I have responsibilities and someone who needs me. But you wouldn't know anything about that, _would you_!" He bellowed. His face fell and he took a hesitant step towards me. "I'm sorry," he apologized quietly and sincerely.

I stared at the floor and remained silent. What could I say to that? _It's true_.

"You're not taking care of yourself. You're not eating; you're not sleeping... You're angry and worried all the time. You're scaring me. I want you to be okay. And I want us to be a family."

"I get it, okay? I'm a screw-up mother. You don't have to keep rubbing it in."

"I _never_ said that."

"Yes, you did. It's okay. I've accepted it. I just wish you didn't have to bring it up all the time. Don't worry about me, though. Okay? Just focus on yourself. I'm fine."

"I can't focus on _myself_! I have Brayden to worry about, and I have you!"

"Don't worry about _me_. There's nothing wrong with me!"

"How many times do you have to say that to convince yourself, huh?"

"Oh, shut up!"

"I know I was an asshole before, okay? But I'm gonna be patient from now on. I'll help you through this."

"Help me through _what_? There's nothing to help me through."

"Then why won't you go near Brayden? Why won't you feed him or give him a bath or even look at him?"

"Because I don't have to."

"You're his _mom_."

"Well, maybe I don't want to be his mom."

Sean snorted, "It's a little too late for that!"

"Whatever. I'm going to bed."

"You don't mean that. You _want_ to be his mom. Why else would you go into his room in the middle of the night and be with him? You're just holding back. You're scared."

"I don't get scared."

"And you're a liar."

I sighed and looked back at him from the doorway to the bedroom. "Just don't worry about me. I can take care of myself."

"_Riight_..."

I frowned and slammed the door behind me. Brayden's cries punctuated the air immediately. There. Let Sean deal with him crying now. I threw myself onto the bed and buried my face into my pillow. Who does Sean think he is to tell me what to do? To tell me that I actually need to go and talk to someone. Great. Let's have someone tell me I'm crazy. That's _really_ going to help. This whole feeling of insufficiency is going to blow over soon. It has to.

**Jay**

I shut the door behind me quietly and turned around to make my way through the dark. I had good intentions, but my drunken feet had other plans. They managed to get tangled up as I made my way to the living room, and I stumbled onto my knees.

"Shh!" Sean glared at me from his spot on his chair.

What the hell?

"Whaddya doing up?" I slurred slightly.

"What's it look like? Brayden woke up. Graceful entrance, by the way."

"I'm a little drunk," I admitted.

"Couldn't tell. Be quiet, though. He just fell back asleep."

I attempted to take my shirt off and crawl onto the couch. I gave up halfway through, my shirt hanging around my neck and one arm still. "What time is it?"

"Almost three-thirty. Where've you been?"

"Towerz. Should've come."

"Can't. I have something called a baby."

"Couldn't left him with Ellie. You know, his _mom_."

"Um, I know you're a little tipsy and everything, dude, but I _can't_ leave him with Ellie. She barely realizes he exists."

"She'd be fine."

"She doesn't even know how to fix his bottle. She wouldn't be fine. She's _not_ fine."

"Whatever," I yawned. "She's always been a psycho-depressed maniac. She'll get over it."

As I closed my eyes and rested my head against the cushion, I could hear Sean sigh and stand up. I listened as his footsteps grew closer and then fainter as he passed the couch and walked down the hallway. Even in my slight drunken stupor, I knew he was genuinely upset about something. And it's not really that hard to guess what about. I mean, yeah, I guess even I have noticed the weird way she's acting. I haven't been around the apartment much in the past week, but even the way she carries herself around school is different. She acts as if she were never pregnant. Like there isn't a baby named Brayden who needs her. But the minute Sean messes up something with Brayden, she's all over him, chewing him out for his mistakes. Frankly, I'm surprised Sean hasn't gone criminally insane by now. Oh well. There's always tomorrow.

* * *

"Nice bags," I complimented.

Ellie snapped her head towards me and glared at me from her dark circled eyes. "I'm fully aware that I look like death warmed over, okay? So save the cute remarks for someone who cares."

"Whoa! She's back! And as snarky as ever."

"Just leave me alone."

I pressed myself up against the wall as she slid past me and slammed the bathroom door behind her. Brayden's cries filled the air. Jesus. That kid never stops. Sean rushed out of his bedroom, jeans only on one leg and disappeared into the nursery.

If you had told me last year that I'd be seeing him do that... uh... _ever_, I would have laughed in your face. Eh, looks like anything _is_ possible. I made my way over to the kitchen table and collapsed into one of the chairs, squinting my eyes for two reasons. A- the pounding headache that was ripping through my skull at the moment. And B- trying to use my telekinetic powers to move a bowl of cereal and spoon in front of me. Looks like my superman powers aren't working this morning. They're better for in bed anyway...

"We have to hurry if we're going to get Brayden to Ellie's mom before school," Sean announced as he sat at the table, ripping open a package of Pop Tarts.

I leaned forward and took the Pop Tart from his hand. "Thanks, man. Tell it to your girlfriend, though. She's the one who's too busy _primping_."

"Ellie doesn't primp."

"All girls primp. Some just do it in secret. Ellie's one of those girls. What else do you think she's doing behind that closed door?"

"I can hear, you know." Ellie walked out of the bathroom and flung her backpack over her shoulder. "We leaving or not?"

I rolled my eyes and took another big bite of my pastry. "Hey babe, can I get like freaking three minutes to eat this thing?"

"I'm not your _babe_. If you're not ready to leave right now, I'm walking. Okay? Okay, fine. I'm walking."

"Ellie, wait," Sean shot out of his chair and rushed behind her as she made her way to the front door.

My ears perked up as they talked in hushed whispers. I heard Sean mention something about Brayden and how much he loves her and all that disgusting, syrupy crap. I swear, if she even starts baby talking, I'll hurl. Seriously.

She didn't, though. I heard the front door open and slam shut. Sean came back to the table looking defeated.

"Lover's quarrel?"

"Shut up."

"Why does everyone hate me lately?" I asked out loud. I shrugged and crammed the rest of my breakfast in my mouth. "Let's go now and drive past her as she's walking. That'll really piss her off. It'll be so fun, man."

He shook his head angrily and glared at me. "Why don't you give her a break?"

"Dude, you're the one who was all about pissing her off just the other day."

"Listen, you haven't been here much the past few days, but everything's changed. I'm not mad at her anymore."

"Um, why not? She's acting like a bi-..."

"_Watch it!_" Sean grabbed me by the collar and shook me hard.

"Chill out, Cameron!" I pushed his hands away and fixed my shirt. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

"You don't care about anyone but yourself, do you?"

"Um, I'm going now. You're acting crazy."

"I think Ellie's in trouble," he blurted out. I turned back towards him and he slumped back into a chair. "And I don't know how to help her."

"Trouble? What kind of trouble?" I immediately grew serious. Sean looked like absolute shit. I know he can go all ape-shit over nothing (like he frequently does) and resort to punching lockers and knocking over desks, but this time he looked _seriously_ concerned about something. And as much as the girl's been getting on my nerves ever since she had this baby, I still have a _very minuscule_ part of my heart reserved for her.

Yeah, Jay Hogart actually has a heart. Shocking, I know.

Sean looked up at me all morose and shit and sighed. "I think she's seriously depressed."

"Why? Yeah, I know I tease her about it and everything, but... Really?"

"Yeah, really. And I think she's depressed over Brayden."

"Why?"

"I don't know why... she just is. I think. It's kind of a long story."

"And I hate long, complicated stories. So... good luck. I hope she gets better." I know, shitty move to make, but I'm not good with all this emotional crap.

"That's it? You, like, almost help her deliver the baby in our living room and you don't even care?"

Of course I care. But guys like me don't really like to advertise our caring, nurturing sides. "Dude, come on... _you know_."

He stood up and grabbed his bag. "Let's just go. We're already going to be late for school. I'll grab Brayden."

I watched as he stormed off into the nursery to grab the baby. I shrugged. Why does he have to go and act like it's my fault that Ellie's having problems. But, seriously, when is she _not_ having problems? She's like a magnet for trauma or something.

**Ashley**

"Ellie! Over here!" I waved Ellie over to Paige's locker where I was hanging out before class with Paige, Hazel, Jimmy, Spinner, Marco, and Craig AKA "the gang".

"Hey," she greeted as she slowly sidled up to me.

"Where's Sean?"

She rolled her eyes and inspected her fingernails calmly. "I don't know. Late, as usual."

"Of course. Ugh, can you believe that monstrosity of a paper Mr. Wilson had us write over that dumb article? Who cares," Paige snipped as she flipped her golden hair behind her shoulder. "Current events are so boring. Let's discuss something more important like _prom_."

I whipped my head around to look at Ellie. Surely she was going to say something to Paige about _that_ comment. Sure enough, I saw Ellie's eyes burn as she glared at Paige.

"You think _prom_ is more important than the debate on stem cell research? While you're out shopping for a dress and renting your limo, there are people out there dying from diseases that could possibly be cured with research. You should be ashamed of yourself."

Paige looked at Ellie in disbelief and crossed her arms. "Well, I _never_... You shouldn't be acting all righteous Ellie Nash. If you put as much effort into taking care of your baby as you do arguing your side on debates, maybe I could qualify you as a good mother. And maybe Sean wouldn't hate you so much. Haze, let's go."

Hazel sent a sad look back at me and Ellie and shrugged before following Paige. Ellie huffed and adjusted her bag on her shoulder. "Can you believe her? Where does she get off calling me a bad mother? She doesn't even _know_."

Marco put a comforting hand on Ellie and rubbed her back lightly. "She just doesn't like being put in her place by you."

"She's just a self-centered snot. I'd _really_ like to put her in her place."

"She's not _that_ bad. She just cares about different things..." I tried to defend Paige. I mean, she's still my oldest friend.

Ellie rolled her eyes and hooked arms with Marco, totally giving me an evil look. "I don't understand how you can be friends with someone who's ditched you and turned everyone against you before."

"I helped. I was the one who took E."

"Whatever. A true friend would have been there for you."

"And _you_ were."

"So why don't you start treating me like a true friend? Stop defending her and being on her side all the time. I don't care if you've been friends with her since first grade. I'm not impressed."

"Um, come on guys... Peace and love, okay?" Jimmy tried to lighten the mood up. He put an arm around each of us and squeezed. "Let's not ruin such a beautiful friendship because Paige decided to make her usual self-absorbed remark of the day."

"Well, she's filled her quota for the day," Ellie muttered.

I sighed and shrugged Jimmy's arm off. "Come on, Craig. I need to talk to Ms. Kwan."

"Huh?"

"Come _on_!" I hissed, tugging on his hand. "See you guys at the movies!" I just wanted to get away from her and her constant bad mood. I seriously don't know how anybody else can take it. I've tried to be patient. I tried visiting her and cheering her up, but nothing works. I'm trying to be the good friend, but she doesn't even want me around. I cast one last look at Ellie as I walked away with Craig. Something's different. Ellie would never have gone off on me like that before. The old Ellie Nash knew that I was friends with Paige and she let it slide. She didn't harp on me about it. And now? It seems like I can't do anything right with her.

* * *

"Sean!" I waved my arm and jogged up to him.

He turned around and gave me a wary glance. "Yeah?"

He looked tired and run down. "You okay?" I asked, a little concerned.

Sean shrugged and scratched the back of his head. "Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows."

"Is it Ellie?" I guessed.

Sean gave me a sharp glance and started walking back down the hall again. "How'd you know?"

"Call it a sixth sense. Or the fact that I've noticed the drastic change in her personality. Like the fact that she just went off on me for being friends with Paige when she's known for how many years that Paige and I are friends?"

"Believe me, you're not the only one she's been going off on. I think I'm at the top of her hate list."

"What's up with her? Do you have any idea?"

Sean stopped walking and let out a big sigh. "Listen, I think I know, but... I'm not sure. If I tell you, you won't tell anyone, right?"

Of course. I could keep a secret. Oh God... maybe he shouldn't tell me. Somehow I'm _always_ putting my foot in my mouth. "Well... I don't know, Sean."

"Come on, Ashley! You can't keep your mouth shut?"

"Well... okay. Yes, I can."

"Good because I really need to get this out. I think Ellie has postpartum depression."

"I wrote a poem about that once!"

"Be serious, Ashley."

"I _did_. I researched it and wrote a poem from the point of view of the mother, the father, and then, finally, the baby. Ms. Kwan said it was touching."

"I'm sure it was. But we're not talking about your poem or your little characters. This is Ellie."

"Right. Sorry. You really think she has it?"

"Well, what do _you_ think? You're the one who did all that research."

I scanned my brain for any recall of the facts I had acquired. Slowly the information started coming back to me. "You're _right_! She definitely has it."

"Don't say definitely. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe she's-..."

"Sean, don't kid yourself. Ellie's not okay. She's not going through some tiny phase. There's something seriously wrong with her."

"So, what am I supposed to do about it?"

"Tell an adult."

"I'm not doing that. If I tell someone, she'll never forgive me."

"Yes, she would. Because if you tell someone and she gets help, she'll finally be the mother she always wanted to be. Not some scared and worried psychopath."

"I can't tell. Not yet."

"If you don't tell someone, _I will_."

"You just promised you wouldn't tell anyone!"

I shrugged. "I'm not letting her go on like this. She needs help."

"Whatever," Sean muttered. He gave me a pissed off look before swaggering off to go join his group of wannabe thugs.

"Yeah, whatever," I whispered to myself. I can't believe he just wants to let her go on feeling depressed. That's _not_ right. Ellie needs help, and she needs it right now. She doesn't think I'm a true friend? Well, I'll show her how true of a friend I am.

**Ellie**

I glanced at Marco as I grabbed my books from my locker. "You and Ashley are going to the movies?"

Marco shrugged and took another sip from his coffee thermos. "Yeah. A group of us are going."

"Oh." I tried to play it off as if it were no big deal because, seriously, when is the last time _I've_ been invited on one of their big group outings? But it _was_ a big deal. Why can't I go to the movies with them? What am I supposed to do tonight? Sit at home and twiddle my thumbs?

"Yeah, we're going to go see that new movie about the group of people who get marooned on that island."

My eyes flashed and I slammed my locker door shut. "_Oh_! The one _we_ were going to see together?"

Marco's eyes dropped and he stammered a little. "Um. Well. Yeah, I guess. But I just figured, we've been talking about seeing it for so long and we never go... You've been so busy. We thought you'd be too busy with Brayden."

"Right. Because now that there's a baby, I have no life. I'm just supposed to not go out or have fun ever again. I get it."

"I didn't mean it. And he's not just _a_ baby. He's _your_ baby."

"Barely," I snorted. "Listen, whatever... You want to go have fun with Princess Paige and all her friends. Go ahead. Yuck it up. You just remember who was there for _you_ when you realized you were gay. Who spent an entire year pretending to be _your_ girlfriend. Just remember that when you're sharing your popcorn and Sno-caps with Paige."

I know I'm being irrational. I really am. But why do I have to be so clear about everything? Why can't someone just see how much I'm hurting inside and come and talk to me about it? I don't want anyone to ask me if anything's wrong. I want them to _know_ that there's someone wrong. I want my best friend to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. I want Sean to tell me I'm the best mother in the world and that he's not disappointed in me. I want Brayden to want me.

"I'm sorry, Els. I won't go," Marco responded softly. "I'll come over instead."

"No. Don't come over. You don't want to. You want to go with Ashley and Paige and have fun. You don't have fun with me anymore. _I'm_ not fun."

"Yes, you are! Ellie, I have more fun with you than with anyone else!" Marco grabbed my hand and held it loosely by his side. "You're the one who makes me laugh the most. And I always smile around you. I just honestly didn't think you'd want to go."

I looked at our hands and remembered the night that Marco told me he might be gay. He had trusted in me so much. And I had done the only thing I could do. I stood by him. But would he stand by me too if I told him the thoughts I was having?

"I'm sorry, Marco," I whispered sullenly. "I didn't mean to go off on you. I'm just... tired."

"And that's all?" He gave me a concerned look and I almost spilled.

Almost. "Yeah, that's all."

"Ellie, you know I'm here for you. Anytime. You mean the world to me."

"Thanks," I choked out.

The warning bell rang, and I took my hand away from his. It felt like a lot more than just a few feet was separating us, though. It felt like a long, never-ending hallway was separating us. One of those hallways that no matter how much you ran, you never moved. Yo u just never got anywhere. That's what my life was feeling like. I felt like no matter how hard I tried to run, I was just stuck in the same place. Always.

* * *

"Ellie?"

I didn't bother turning around. I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to talk to anyone.

"Ellie, please!"

_Bite me, Ms. Sauve._

I just kept on walking. She seriously couldn't follow me, could she? She had no right. I'm my own person. I don't change for _anyone_. Not for her. Not for my parents. Not for Sean. And especially not for some baby.

I burst through the front doors to the school and started down the steps to the sidewalk. I didn't need to be here. I'm smarter than all these people anyway. Why bother going through an entire day of listening to mindless teenagers bitch and moan about their dating life or their grades or their parents...?

I have bigger things to worry about. Like...

What's the point of life anyway?

No. Seriously. What's the point?

Isn't having a child supposed to be the happiest moment of your life?

Guess what. It's not. At least not for me. I used to feel scared and angry and worried and stupid.

Now? Now I feel nothing. I feel absolutely nothing.

I'm invisible. Would anyone even care if I was gone?

I'm sure no one would.

This is the worst feeling in the world. Feeling as if nothing you do or say has any effect on anything. You're trivial. You're nothing. You don't matter in the whole spectrum of things. It's not like you're going to be the one to find a cure for AIDS or end poverty everywhere. You're whole life is basically pointless. Why do you even exist?

Why God? Huh? What was the point of giving me a child if I can't even love him? I mean... I _love_ him. I do. I love him more than anything. I'd do anything for him. I'd sell myself, I'd sell my soul, I'd kill. _Anything_. But what good does that do? I can't even show how much I love him. I'm incapable of showing any of my feelings. And poor Sean is putting up with me for no apparent reason. He should just move on with his life. Find a woman who'll appreciate him. Not me. Not someone who only thinks about herself and her own personal pain.

My entire life I've wanted to do something to change the world. I announced to my parents when I was younger that I would save everyone. And slowly that dream dwindled. Then I wanted to join the Peace Corps. Then I wanted to be a social worker. Then I wanted to be a philanthropist. Then I wanted to be in politics. Then a lawyer. Then an investigative reporter. And while that's still a cool idea, I've also been harboring my secret passion for the arts. And then I decided that I could even be a teacher and help the kids.

And then I decided I just wanted to have a child I could care for. Someone to teach and play with and let dream. I wanted to bake cookies and build sand castles and video tape every single moment possible. I wanted to be a _mom_. I wanted a career, but I wanted to be a _mom_ more than anything. I wanted to raise a child to have morals and values and be a good influence. I wanted to show everyone that I may be screwed up, but that doesn't mean I can't be a good role model for someone and raise a kid to do great things.

Well. Guess what? All those critics of me? They were right. I'm not a good role model. I'm not a good person. My dreams aren't going to come true. My dream is gone. Because I'm a failure.

Here that? I'm admitting it. I'm _finally_ admitting it.

I'm a failure.

_There's room to believe,_

_Out of sight,_

_Out of mind,_

_Out of reach._

_Starting over is no way to begin._

**So, do you hate me? It took me so long to update this and I'm not really satisfied with this chapter. I quickly wrote it in a jiffy. So, please tell me what you think. Next chapter: Ellie/Brayden... Ellie will make a very important phone call... and, I'm not exactly sure what else. I know Ellie sounds really mopey, but she's going through a really tough time right now. Next chapter will definitely start to tie things up. **

**comments/reviews/suggestiosn always welcome. except if you're going to be all snarky and rude like one reviewer on my other story who couldn't even put a name or anything and who obviously didn't read my little authors note which explained a lot of the stuff he/she bitched about... okay, that's off my chest. :)**

**oh, and song is by Get Up Kids. Love this song. **

**I'll probably update Saturday. Hopefully.**


	31. 4AM

**Chapter 31: 4AM**

_And if I don't make it know that_

_I've loved you all along_

_Just like the sunny days that_

_We ignored because _

_We're all dumb and jaded_

_And I hope to God I figure out_

_What's wrong_

**Ashley**

I fiddled with the lock on my locker door before finally getting the combination right. Why does it seem that locker combinations _never_ work when you want them to? I shifted my armload of books and popped the door open. Thank God.

"Hey."

I turned around and raised an eyebrow at the sullen looking Sean standing next to my locker. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"And to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" I asked.

"Oh, shut up. I'm here to… to…"

"Apologize? For not seeing my side, perhaps? For not seeing that maybe I _do_ care more about Ellie than you think?"

"Okay! I get it. I was an idiot. I know you care about her, but is it a good idea to tell someone that she _might_ have a problem? What if she doesn't? What if this is some phase?"

"Sean, _you're_ the one who told me about Ellie's problem. Don't back down now. Besides, I've already told someone."

"YOU WHAT?"

"You heard me. I already told Ms. Sauve."

"Why?" Sean looked completely devastated.

I hugged my books to my chest and started walking down the hall to my next class. "Because she's my friend. And she could be in trouble. It's better to be safe than sorry, right?"

"Easy for you to say. If Ellie finds out, she'll kill _me_."

"Why would she kill you? I'm the one that told."

"Because I told you. And she has it out for me lately. Just… don't go around spreading your concerns to everyone, okay? That means _Paige_, too."

I rolled my eyes and turned my head to look at him. "I promise on my guitar that I won't tell anyone. Happy now?"

Sean shrugged and started to back away. "Whatever. I just hope Ms. Sauve doesn't go getting into everyone's business now."

"Sean, you keep forgetting that you're not the only one who cares about Ellie. See you later."

I entered the classroom and took my seat next to Paige.

"What was that about?" she whispered, leaning closer to me. She must have overheard the last part of my conversation with Sean.

"What was what about?" I tried to play if off innocently.

"Oh, please. You and Sean arguing out there."

"We were hardly arguing. See, no bruises. We we're conversing."

"He sounded kind of pissed off."

"Um, it's Sean. What else do you expect?" I gave Paige a weird look.

She giggled and ran a hand through her blonde hair. "Point taken. So, what were you two _conversing_ about."

I opened my mouth to spill all the juicy details of our disagreement. What did it matter if I told Paige, right? It's not like this was a piece of information that was really gossip-worthy. I mean, I talked to Ms. Sauve. Big whoop.

"Come on, Ash! Spill!"

I paused. Then again… when has Paige _not_ opened her mouth and told the whole school whatever information that happens to come her way? Besides, was this really any of her business? I shrugged and opened my notebook. "It was nothing really. I can't really say."

"You love torturing me. Whatever. So, I'm thinking of cutting my hair. What would you think if I cut it like-…"

I smiled as Paige went into detail about her fantasy haircut. That's one thing I like about this girl. She's simple. She doesn't have a million real problems that she has to deal with everyday. Things with her are easy. You gossip, you joke around, you go shopping… You don't have to worry about what Paige is going to do next because she's already broadcast her plans to you. Ellie's so different. Ellie doesn't give anything away. She's private and quiet and a completely enigma. And that's scary. Because you never know what she's going to do next.

**Ellie**

I stopped running away from the school and doubled over, gasping for breath. I hadn't even realized how hard I was sprinting to get away from there. I turned around to stare back at where I had come from. I couldn't see the school. I couldn't see Ms. Sauve chasing after me, begging me to talk to her. I couldn't see my friends giving me disapproving looks.

I placed a hand to my ribcage as I continued to walk. I was comforted by the feel of my ribs rippling against my palm with every step I took. When you're not sleeping and not eating, things can go downhill pretty fast. When was the last time I had even talked to Dr. Brahm? I couldn't even remember. It couldn't have been _that_ long ago, could it?

_And why the hell am I still having trouble breathing?_

Hot, angry tears started to gather and slide down my cheeks. _Stop crying_. I wiped at my face and willed myself to stop being so weak. I can do this. I can. I'll show everybody. I'm not a bad person. I'm really not. I can go to my house right now and take care of Brayden if I wanted. I don't have to rely on Sean or my parents to take care of him. I can do it. And anyone who thinks different can just rot in hell.

I let out a shaky sigh and looked around me as I walked. I took in the buildings and shops of downtown. There was Mrs. Del Rossi's store. And there was Mrs. Nelson's beauty salon. How did she do it? How did Emma's mom take care of Emma at such a young age? Didn't she feel like her life was over the moment she gave birth and became a mother? Probably not. After all, she's not as selfish as I am.

I stopped walking and watched as Emma's mom stepped outside of her salon as a woman came up holding a baby. Mrs. Nelson laughed and cooed as she took the baby from the woman and held him close. Oh, right. It was Jack. That woman must be his babysitter. I was so good when I babysat Jack that one time. I was the one who knew how to take care of him and make him stop crying and make him laugh. What happened to that Ellie?

The sight of Emma's mom holding Jack got to be a little too much for me. I turned away and kept on walking. Soon I was walking alongside the community park. I told myself to not look. Why torture myself, right? Still, I couldn't help but gaze at the young children and mother's playing in the park. That's what I wanted.

I wanted to be the savvy woman who had a great career and was a total powerhouse in her field, but still made time to take her children to the park and to catch them when they came down the slide. I always imagined myself dressed in a flattering suit- fresh from teaching a literature course or a day of filming my latest documentary or, hell, even starring in an on-stage production of _As You Like It_- as I led my children over to the swings and taught them how to pump their legs. I guess I just never imagined it happening at sixteen.

In my fantasies I could totally balance my career and family. I could accept Oscars for Best Director and still be home in time to tuck my kids into bed. I could teach a classroom of eager students about Faulkner or Hugo and introduce the creative world of Dr. Suess to my child at home. I'd encourage my children as they grew up that they could be whatever they wanted to be, as long as they stayed true to themselves. I wouldn't plan their future as a doctor or lawyer for them. I'd introduce them to the Cure and Garbage and the Smashing Pumpkins and Tchaikovsky and RENT. I'd videotape every seemingly insignificant moment in their lives. I'd bake them cookies for when they came home from school. I'd take them on set with me as I filmed the latest Indie film.

My children's lives would have been _great_.

"Do you like bugs?"

I glanced down and stared at the little boy in front of me. He looked to be around five or six. He was covered in sand and dirt and held a fistful of worms. I scrunched my nose and shook my head. "Not particularly."

He didn't understand. Instead he threw the worms at me and squealed as he started to totter away. I brushed the dirt and worms off of my coat and made a face. Disgusting.

"Dig!"

The little boy was back and he held out a little pail and shovel. I raised an eyebrow and crouched down to his level. "What's the magic word?"

"Uhhh… Please?" He laughed again. His almond-shaped eyes sparkled and he dropped to his knees in the grass.

I knelt down, too, and started to shovel a little of the dirt into the small bucket to humor him. "Where's your mommy?"

He put some grass in his mouth. So much for intelligent conversation. "Ants!"

"Ants?" I looked to where he pointed and saw the small ant hill. "Yeah, those are ants."

"Squash them!" he ordered me.

I shook my head solemnly. "Oh, no. Don't squash them. That's their home."

"Really?" He peered closer to the small mound of dirt.

"Yeah, the go in through that small hole in the top. If you squash their home, they won't have anywhere to live. That'd be sad."

"Yes," he agreed. He too looked a little solemn at the thought.

A corner of my mouth lifted up in an involuntary smile. The first smile in a long time that I hadn't had to fake.

"Anthony! Anthony!" A woman rushed over to where we were sitting and scooped the small boy up, nuzzling her nose into his black hair. "Don't you ever run off like that again!"

"Okay."

I stood up and wiped the dirt off of my legs. My work here was done.

"Thank you for watching him."

I smiled at the woman and shrugged. "No problem."

"It seems like just yesterday he couldn't even crawl and now he's walking everywhere and _always_ running away from me. And scaring me. You hear that, Anthony? You scared me."

"Okay."

She shook her head in frustration and adjusted him to rest on the hip of her grey trousers. He entertained himself my playing with the buttons of her grey suit jacket. "Thanks again."

"It was fine," I assured her.

As I started to make my way home again, I kept thinking back to the situation. Why had I felt such great joy when I was explaining to Anthony why he shouldn't squash the ant hill? Maybe my answer wasn't the most scientific or creative, but it had worked. And with Brayden I feel like I don't have any of the answers. I feel like I'm constantly struggling to understand what I'm supposed to do with him.

And for that reason I'm not able to have the fantasy life I've always wanted to have. I'll never even be close.

Unless I do something about it.

**Elisabeth Nash**

I held up a swatch of carpet and compared it to another one. I glanced over at the baby carrier holding baby Brayden. "What do you think, Bray? This shade of taupe or _this_ shade of taupe?"

He stared back at me, pursing his tiny little lips.

I laughed and set down the swatches. "Yeah, I know. Too close, huh?" I sighed and rested my head against my hand, holding the swatches against the different fabrics and paint samples.

The front door opened and closed, startling me out of my seat.

"Mom?"

I rushed from the kitchen into the foyer and met Ellie. "Why aren't you at school? Are you sick?"  
My daughter just stood there, slowly shifting from one foot to the other. I watched as she trembled slightly, her hands wringing.

"Eleanor?" I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her in a hug. "What's wrong?"

And with that she burst into tears. "I don't know."

"You don't know what's wrong? Do you not feel well? Did something happen? Did Sean do something?"  
"No!" she cried, tears spilling down her face. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared."

I think that was the first time I ever heard her say those words. _I'm scared_. Wow. I let go of her and grabbed a hold of one of her shaking hands. "How about we go sit down and talk about this?"

"Where's Brayden?"

"He's in the kitchen. You want to hold him?" I looked at her hopefully.

"Yes… No… _I don't know_!" A new wave of tears started as she buried her face in her hands.

"Go sit in the living room, darling, and I'll be right there. I'm just going to put Brayden down in his crib for a nap."

I led her to the entrance to the living room and watched as she collapsed onto the sofa. She didn't look good at all. My heels clicked as I made my way back into the kitchen and untangled my grandson from his carrier. "I'm going to put you down for a nap, okay, sweetie?"

"I'll be right back!" I called out to Ellie as I passed the living room on my way to the staircase.

She didn't respond. I quickly rushed to the little makeshift nursery and placed Brayden into his crib and turned his little noise mobile on. After making sure he was safe and sound in his bed, I dimmed the lights and started back down the stairs.

"Okay. Brayden's asleep in his crib. Now, what's going on?" I took a seat next to Ellie and leaned my elbow against the top of the sofa.

Ellie slowly chewed on her bottom lip and lifted her shoulders. "Why can't I be happy?"

"You're not happy?" I repeated.

"No. I want to be. And I know that Brayden could make me happy. He should. But I just feel… like I'm being crushed or something." Her voice was dull and hoarse.

"How long have you felt this way?" How long can you blame me for not catching on?

"I don't know. It just sort of creeps up on you."

"You're not happy?"

"Do I _look_ happy? I _hate_ where I am right now. Why can't anyone just notice and help me?"

Here it comes. The blame.

"It's not as easy as I thought it'd be…" she whispered.

"Is it Brayden, Ellie? Or… is it Sean?" I dug.

"Leave Sean alone. He's been wonderful. I'm the one who's been horrible. I can't even hold my own son!"

"You have a little case of the baby blues, Ellie. It happens to everyone."

"Mom, this is not just some little case of the baby blues! I feel so _worthless_ I don't even want to live anymore!"

I gasped and brought a hand to my face. "You don't mean that, Eleanor."

"I can't feel that way anymore. I want to hold Brayden. I want to read him bedtime stories and buy him toys and take him out for ice-cream. I don't want him to grow up without a mother, but sometimes I feel he'd be better off without me."

I threw my arms around my daughter. "No. Don't you _ever_ say that. Brayden is going to grow up with the best mother ever, okay? You're going to read him bed-time stories and buy him all the toys he'll ever want. You hear me? I won't let it be any other way."

I rubbed her back lightly as it heaved with sobs. She really was in a bad place. I don't know how I didn't manage to notice how bad it was getting before.

She pulled away and looked up at me with shiny eyes. "You have to help me, Mommy," she pleaded.

A swallowed a lump in my throat and shook my head solemnly. "I will."

**Sean**

I jumped up from the kitchen table when I heard the door slam shut. "Where've you been?" I demanded.

"Out."

"I picked up Brayden and your mom said you were there earlier. That was four hours ago." I gestured towards the clock to prove my point.

"I needed some alone time."

"For what?"

"To think."

"Are you okay?"

I watched her face as she stared back at me. Her eyes were unblinking for what felt like an eternity. Why wouldn't she just say something?

"Um, should I leave?" Jay spoke up from the couch. Even Jay- the most obnoxious person in the world- could see that this moment was killing me.

I was about to say no- because, well, safety in numbers, right?- but Ellie beat me.

"Yes," she answered quietly.

"I'll be at Alex's," Jay grabbed his coat and left. I watched as the door shut behind him and begged him to come back.

"Why do I feel like you're about to break up with me?" I asked Ellie softly, sticking my hands in my pockets.

She stared at the floor. "No. I'm not breaking up with you. I _need_ you right now, especially." Her eyes met mine again.

I grabbed a hold of her hand and squeezed if affectionately. "I'm here for you. I'm definitely here for you."

The corner of her mouth lifted up in a small smile as she looked at our hands. "I'm sorry," she let out slowly, her lips trembling.

"For wh-…"

"Please, don't interrupt. I'm going to try and say this in one big sentence because otherwise I don't think I'll be strong enough to actually ask for help. You know I hate asking for help. But I need you to help me because I think there's something wrong with me. It's not normal for me to not want to be around Brayden. You know how excited I was about him. How I've planned out everything. And then I have him and I can't even stand to be in the same room with him. I love him, but I despise him for taking away my freedom. I'm so confused. I'm so worthless. Oh God, I love him. But I can't show it. And I don't know what to do… I'm trying. I really am. I'm trying."

Her voice broke and she tried to cover her tear-streaked face from me. I pulled her hands away. "Shh. No. Let me see."

"I'm so embarrassed. Why can't I be happy?"

I took her face in both of my hands and stared deeply into her eyes. "Because sometimes this happens. Sometimes we get confused and lost. Even someone like you can get lost."

"I don't want to be lost. I want to be there for him. I want to be there for you."

"I know you do. I can see it. And I can see how much pain you're in."

"I'm so conflicted," she whispered gravely.

"It's okay," I smiled. "I don't expect you to have all the answers anymore."

"But I want to have all the answers."

"And sometimes… you can't."

We were quiet for a few minutes. I thought back over her attitude the past few weeks and what Ms. Suave told me and what Tracker told me about Mom. "I really think you need to talk to someone- Dr. Brahm or Ms. Sauve. Okay?"

"Did you tell Ms. Sauve I was acting weird today?"

"No… But I know who did. A friend of yours who really cares about you."

Ellie dropped her eyes and stared at the ground. "I've messed up with a lot of people…"

"It's okay. There's something going on, and we're going to fix it, okay? I promise. I'm not going to let you go on being unhappy."

"I'm ready to go back to normal."

I pulled her towards me and kissed the top of her head. "And you will. I'm going to take care of you this time."

We stayed like that for a long time- just standing in the middle of the room, holding on to one another. Every once in awhile, Ellie would let out another sob, and I'm urge her to let it all out. I didn't tell her about my mom just yet. I wanted to hear what Ms. Sauve or Dr. Brahm or some professional had to say first. After all, what's the point of scaring Ellie if it's not true, right? Deep down, though, I know it's true. I know Tracker's right.

But even though the possibility of what could be wrong with her is scary, I'm relieved that I can finally talk to her about it. I'm relieved that she's actually admitted that she feels something is wrong with her and she wants help. I don't think Ellie's ever really asked _me_ for help before. It kind of feels good. For the first time ever, I feel really needed in this relationship.

**Wow. So finally a new chapter. As you can tell by THIS chapter, I've had some serious writer's block. Well, I know what I want to happen, but I just had trouble writing it out. Plus I moved back home for awhile and the computer here is CRAZY! But hopefully my next chapter won't take me so long. **

**Next chapter: Ellie will talk to Dr. Brahm/ Ms. Sauve (which one! any suggestions?); Ellie will apologize to Ashley for blowing up at her; and... who knows what else. Any ideas? I'm pretty open. **

**So, if you don't totally hate me by now, please comment/suggest anything becuase I'm not really comfortable with this chapter. **

**anonymous reviewer- sorry- I had this whole author's note typed out for that one chapter of desperado (I think?) where you felt my portrayal of Ashley was off-kilter. I guess it didn't make it in to the finished chapter. But I'm not trying to make Ashley evil or anything. Just things are going to be weird from time to time but her and Ellie will always be close friends. She's usually conflicted between her friendshipwith Paige and her friendship with Ellie in my stories. But keep me updated on my progress with the character.**

**oh, and the song is by Our Lady Peace.**


	32. True Colors

**Chapter 32: True Colors**

_Show me a smile then._

_Don't be unhappy; can't remember_

_when I last saw you laughing._

_If this world makes you crazy,_

_and you've taken all you can bear,_

_you call me up._

_Because you know I'll be there._

**Sean **

"Does it taste fine?"

Ellie smiled over the top of her mug and nodded. "It tastes great. Thanks," she commented softly.

I put a comforting hand on her knee and squeezed. She laid a hand on top of mine and I reveled in her touch. Her attitude's done a complete turn around since this morning. I remember how defeated and frustrated she had looked this morning as I tried to convince her that everything was going to be okay. She hadn't wanted to hear any of it. And I guess I can't exactly blame her. I mean, I don't exactly know what she's going through, do I?

But now? Now we're sitting here on the couch _talking_. Actually _talking_. And even though we're not discussing her problem, it's nice to just talk about trivial things like school and our friends. We haven't talked like this in a long time.

She sighed and set her mug down. "So Ashley told Ms. Sauve about me?"

I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to me. "Yeah, she did. Are you pissed?"

She thought it over for a second. "No," she finally answered. "I guess I'm-... okay with it. You know?"

"She just wants to help."

"Yeah, I think I'm realizing that."

"Good. You're going to need your friends." I ran a hand over her soft hair and breathed in her scent. This is what it feels like to care for somebody, to love somebody, unconditionally. The way Ellie's been treating me these past few weeks doesn't matter anymore. I'm not angry or bitter. I don't want revenge. I just want her to be the old Ellie. I want her to be happy.

Ellie yawned and sat up. "I think I'm going to go to bed. I'm tired."

I kissed her softly on the forehead, cupping her face in my hands. "That's a good idea. Do you want me to stay home and go with you tomorrow?"

She hesitated.

"I don't have to go in with you. I can just wait. Be there." I brushed a few strands of red hair away from her eyes, tucking them behind her small ears.

She nodded, her eyes big. "Would you? Otherwise, I might not go."

I smiled. "Of course. Good night." I leaned in to kiss her.

She pulled away.

I watched from the couch as she jumped up and fidgeted a little before heading towards the bedroom. I sighed and leaned back against the pillows. What was that about? I thought we were heading towards normalcy.

I guess not.

* * *

I picked up the car keys from the table and glanced at the bedroom door. "You ready?" I called out to Ellie.

She emerged from the bedroom, a loose pair of black pants and a red and pink t-shirt hanging from her tiny frame. She ran a hand through her long hair, trying to appear calm and collected. The quivering of her hand gave her true feelings away, though. "As ready as I'll ever be," she admitted.

I reached for her hand, but she pulled away. "Listen, Sean..." she began.

Uh oh. This wasn't good. Anything that starts with "listen" is never good...

"What's wrong?" I asked, hating the whiney edge to my voice.

"I know you're just trying to help, but I was thinking last night and, well, maybe this is something I have to figure out on my own."

I blinked slowly. _What?_ Figure out on her own? No. No way. I don't think so. "No," I replied firmly.

"What?" she snapped.

"I'm not letting you off that easy. I'm not letting you go through this by yourself. You're looking for a way out of this, and I'm not letting you do that."

She huffed and tapped her foot impatiently. "I'm not looking for a way out. I want to get better!"

I stepped forward and placed my hands on my shoulders. "The only way you're going to get better is if I help. I wanna help you. Please don't do this. Don't push me away again."

She hesitated for a moment before reaching her hands up and placing them on my cheeks. "Fine. But this is hard for me, okay? I'm not used to getting help."

"I know. But we have to do this. For Brayden," I pointed out. She nodded solemnly and looked towards the nursery. I saw the worry flash in her eyes. "Don't worry about him. Your mom has him and he's _fine_."

"I know, it's just... I just can't wait til I'm better."

"Yeah, me too."

"Thanks," she whispered. "For everything." She stepped forward and through her arms around me in a tight hug. I followed suit and held her as close to me as I could. I never wanted to let her go.

**Ellie**

I took one last look at Sean before walking into Dr. Brahm's office. She looked up from her desk with a smile on her face.

"You showed up!" she exclaimed.

I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. "Yeah, I did."

She glanced at her watch and stood up. "I was beginning to think you wouldn't. Okay, let's take a seat and talk."

"How long do you think this'll take? I just want to give Sean an idea."

"Well, I figured we'd take an hour. We don't have to talk the entire time. We can hang out for awhile or just chat about normal, everyday things if you want."

"Oh," I grimaced. An hour? Seriously? I know I'm agreeing to this, and I _want_ to do it, but an _hour_. Of talking about my problems? Damn. "Well, let me just tell him real quick..."

"You know, Ellie... if you want Sean to sit in here with you, he can. It's all up to you."

My mouth felt like it was full of sand. Sean? Sit in here? With me? As I talk about my problems? I almost laughed at the idea. As if he would ever want to do something like that. As if I would _want_ him in here.

"Okay," I heard myself say. What the _hell_? Sean is _not_ sitting in on this session. Somehow my thoughts were connecting with my mouth. It was as if I could see myself from the outside. I saw myself open the door and stick my head out. I saw myself motion to Sean. I saw myself grab his hand and beg him to sit with me. And I saw him smile and wrap an arm around me as we walked back into the office.

Why am I doing this? Why am I allowing him to see me so... vulnerable and scared and _real_? This isn't what I normally do. Not at all.

"Sean, it's nice to meet you. My name's Katherine Brahm, but you can call me Kay."

"Thanks... Kay..." I could hear the nervousness in Sean's voice.

"Don't worry. I won't be psychoanalyzing you. We're just going to sit down and talk to each other. Understand what's going on."

We took a seat on the small couch and she sat down in an armchair opposite us. I crossed my legs and bounced my foot around anxiously. What was she going to say? Was she going to ask me questions? Why does Sean have to be in here? And why can't I just ask him to leave?

I felt pressure on my hand and looked down. Sean had taken a hold of my left hand and was caressing it softly with his thumb. I smiled at the warmth his touch brought me and immediately felt a little more at ease.

"Ellie, I'd like for you to describe to me, in your own words, the birth of your son."

My gaze shifted up to Dr. Brahm and I shrugged. "I dunno," I muttered.

"Ellie, it's okay. I just want to hear the story from your point of view."

I sighed and furrowed my eyebrows, trying to remember exactly what happened. "I was just sitting in the apartment, watching TV, and when I got up, I felt pain. I knew something was wrong right away because I'd never felt pain like that before... And then... and then..." My voice faltered. I didn't want to relive the past anymore. I never wanted to relive it.

Sean squeezed my hand, but Dr. Brahm continued to stare at me expectantly. "And...?"

"I can't do this."

"Yes, you can. You have to."

Sean came to my defense. "If it's too hard on her I don't think she should."

Dr. Brahm just stood up and poured herself a cup of coffee. "With all due respect, Sean... I'm the psychologist here. I invited you to sit in because I wanted you to also understand what Ellie's going through. After all, it directly affects you. But I'm not asking your opinion on my therapy techniques. Ellie, go on."

"Well, _excuse me_, but I think if it's going to upset her this much that it's a good idea. She's already going through a hard time enough as it is. What's the point of making her think about it all over again?"

"Sean," I started, putting a hand on his knee. I could see the vein throbbing in his forehead and he looked ready to blow. I knew what he was getting ready to do, and I also knew it'd be a bad idea.

"No, Ellie. I don't appreciate how she's pushing you into doing something that you don't want to do!" His face started to turn red.

"_Sean_! It's _fine_. I'm the one who called her, remember? I wanted to come and get better."

I didn't wait for him to respond. Instead, I just jumped right into the story again. It was difficult trying to remember every detail that happened- and replaying it over in my head- but I managed to choke out the entire ordeal to Dr. Brahm. I told her how painful the experience was. I told her how beautiful Brayden had been when I saw him for the first time. And about how upset I'd been when the nurses had taken him away from me. And how incompetent I had felt not being able to give him what he needed.

She shook her head in agreement. "That's perfectly normal, Ellie. As women we have a need to take care of things- of people... It's natural. We want to make everything better, and it hurts to realize that there are some things we can't make better. We can't control everything."

I nodded pulling my feet up to my side on the couch. I nervously picked at my arm warmers. "I never understood why I felt that way. I always wanted to take care of everybody- my friends, my parents, especially my mom...It's like I put everything I have to give into... everything. And it's just never enough. I just want to make things _right_."

"Of course you do. You're a very caring person, Ellie."

"But it just never seems like it works out."

She gave me a comforting smile and leaned across the space between us to rest a hand on my knee. "In the end, everything works out."

I gave her a small smile, a flicker of hope going through me. Maybe she's right. Maybe everything _will_ work out in the end.

"Now, I'd like to talk a little about-..."

**Sean**

"Did I act like a complete idiot in there?" I shot Ellie a sheepish look.

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and shrugged. "Not anymore than usual..." she joked softly.

I wrapped an arm around her narrow shoulders and pulled her closer as we started on our walk home. The sun was shining, and although it was still a little chilly outside, the weather was really starting to warm up. And any day now, Ellie and I will be taking Brayden to the park and to the zoo and to the circus- to all those places I never got to go to when I was younger.

"It's just that I'm protective of you. I didn't like how she was bullying you."

"Sometimes I need to be pushed. _You_ know that.."

"I just like to stick up for you. _You_ know _that_." I gave her a little squeeze and she looked up at me with a smile.

"I'm starting to see it. So how long do you think it'll take me before I'm better?" She looked forward, a look of uneasiness on her face.

I shrugged and played with the end of her ponytail. "It'll take time. But you _will_ get better."

"I'm just worried that it's going to take a long time."

"I don't think it will. You're the most determined person I know. It's all gonna work out. I know."

* * *

"Look at him!" I laughed when Brayden smiled big. He was clearly enjoying the rap music Jay had just turned on.

Jay rubbed Brayden's little bald head and turned the music up a little more. "Dude, we gotta get him a hat like mine."

"And we'll teach him everything to know about cars. He'll even know what an intake manifold is." I couldn't help but get a little excited at the idea of me and _my son_ working on cars later on in life... together.

"Well, how about he first learns how to crawl and walk, huh?" Alex put in sarcastically. She walked over to the couch where Ellie was sitting and draped an arm casually around her shoulders. "Whatcha doing?"

Ellie looked up from the small journal she was writing in and closed it quickly. "It's a therapy technique."

"Therapy?"

I realized then that Jay hadn't told Alex about the little ordeal that was going on. That's weird. Usually Jay can't keep his mouth shut. I sent him a thankful look.

"For, um, just... stuff."

"_Ellie_... It's me- Alex. You're _friend_. Right?"

"Right," Ellie gave a reassuring smile. "Listen, I think I'm going to go for a walk or something."

My ears perked up. "A walk? Are you sure? By yourself?"

She grabbed her coat and pulled it on. "Yeah, just for a little bit. I just need some... fresh air."

I watched as she opened the front door and stepped out, closing it softly behind her. My shoulders sagged, and I let out a sigh I hadn't even known I'd been holding in. Brayden's eyes were starting to look heavy, and I picked it up, holding him to me.

"I guess I'll put Brayden in his crib."

"She's going to be fine, man."

"What's going on?" Alex looked even more confused.

I decided to just lay all the cards out on the table. "Ellie's not herself right now. She has postpartum depression."

"Are you serious?" Alex looked shocked. She took a seat on the couch and ran her hands through her hair slowly. "_Wow_. That explains a lot..."

"Yeah, it does."

"So, I thought that therapy was supposed to _help_ her. So why is she still acting like she's gone apeshit?"

As always, Jay was being sensitive. I shot him a look and started to retreat towards the nursery. "It's gonna take time. We can't just snap our fingers and make her better."

"Well how much are you supposed to put up with from her?"

"However much it takes until she's fine," I answered without skipping a beat.

"But what if she never-..."

"She's going to be _fine_!" I burst out angrily. At the sound of my voice yelling, Brayden woke up crying. "Damnit, Jay," I growled.

"I was just say-..."

"Jay, stop being so insensitive," Alex interjected, putting a hand on his arm. I sent her a silent thank you when Jay's mouth closed and he leaned back in his seat.

"Whatever," he muttered, glaring at me.

I just glared right on back. What's his problem anyway? Since when has he had such a vicious agenda against Ellie anyway? I turned the light on in the nursery and carefully placed Brayden in his crib, his lips sucking and his eyes little fists waving around.

"Sorry, bud. It's time for you to take a little nap."

I stayed with him until his eyes closed and his breathing became steady. What Jay was saying had no truth to it, right? It's not fair to expect Ellie to be completely cured by now. I know that's logical. I _know_ this. But why am I still worried about what he's saying? I mean, what if she never gets better?

**Ellie**

I sat down on the park bench and sighed. It felt nice to be out of the apartment. I just needed to get away from there and collect my thoughts. I'm supposed to be keeping a journal for therapy. I've never kept a journal before so this is kind of strange to me. Dr. Brahm told me I should just write about my day and what I'm feeling, but also to write about little things Brayden is doing. My assignment tonight was to watch Brayden for a half hour and just write down what he did.

I glanced down at my entry:

_Sean just carried Brayden into the living room. I'm sitting in my usual spot on the couch under a blanket. Sean offers me Brayden, but I decline. I don't think I'm quite ready for that just yet. Plus, it's nice to see Sean interact with him. The boys. Sean is such a good father, and I can't help but feel jealous of him. It comes so easy to him. Who knew?_

_Brayden is laying on his stomach on a blanket Sean spread across the floor. He's reaching for his toys that are scattered around him. He touches a stuffed bear and closes his little fist around the bear's paw. I can't help but smile at this. He takes his time touching each toy and exploring it._

_Jay and Alex, two of our friends, are here right now. Jay keeps putting his hat on Brayden's head and laughing at how big it is. Alex can't get over how much he's grown since he was in the hospital. He is growing up fast. Maybe too fast._

And that's where I had stopped. Wow, my journal is so _insightful_. Not. I closed the notebook and threw it back in my bag. Whatever. It was a stupid assignment anyway. Suddenly I was aware of just how alone I felt. At this moment I feel very insignificant in the world. It's not a feeling I like.

**Ashley**

"I got it!" I bounded down the stairs and raced Toby to the door. God, step-brothers can be so annoying. "What don't you understand by 'I got it'?"

He shoved me to the side. "Ash, it's probably JT."

"No, JT just walks on in like he owns the place. Move it, twerp."

I bumped him aside with my hip and opened the door, expecting to see Craig or Paige.

But, instead, I saw Ellie.

And it was a pleasant surprise. "Ellie!" I exclaimed.

She fiddled with the bracelets on her arm and gave me a smile. "Hey," she greeted, almost shyly.

I opened the door wider. "Come on in. Toby, close your mouth," I advised after seeing the way he was staring at my friend. Little boys and their crushes can be so weird.

"Yeah, Tobes. Stop slobbering," Ellie sniffed and gave him a haughty look.

It only fueled his desire for her even more.

"Come on, El. Let's go up to my room. _Away _from Toby."

We laughed when we got to my room and shut the door behind us.

"He is _so_ _weird_!" Ellie giggled.

I agreed. "Try living with him 24/7. He's always talking about some new anime movie or some top secret CIA crap. He's _exactly_ like his dad."

Ellie sat down on my bed and pulled my stuffed bear to her chest before laying back against the pillows. "So... what are you doing?"

"I was just playing around on the piano. Craig and I want to write a song together."

"Cute."

"Yeah, sort of. So... how you feeling?"

"I'm... fine... I went and- Listen, Ash, I'm really sorry for how I've been acting. Especially for the way I've been treating you."

I brushed it off as if it were no big deal. "_Please_, I've seen worse."

"Yeah, but there's no excuse. I was being a bitch."

I lightly ran my hands over the ivory keys of my keyboard and stole a quick glance at Ellie. She was staring right back at me. I adverted my eyes and pressed down on a key. "So..."

"So..."

"Is Brayden good?"

"Yeah, he is. Sean, Jay, and Alex were all playing with him before. He wouldn't stop smiling."

I grinned. "Babies are so cute."

"Yeah... they are... How'd you do it?"

"Do what?" I gave Ellie a confused look. What was she talking about? And why did she looks so upset?

Her voice cracked, "Get better. After Craig. How'd you do it?"

I stood up slowly. "I guess I just had to deal with the fact that I'm not the only girl who's ever been cheated on. I realized I had to get on with my life. I couldn't let him win."

"I know I need to change, but... It is just so damn hard. It's really hard."

I sat down next to her and placed a hand around her shoulders. "I know it is. But you can get through it."

"I really need you. I do. I need my friends."

I looked at her in surprise. Did she... Did she really just admit that she needs me? A slow smile spread across my face and I pulled her in for a spontaneous hug. To my surprise, she didn't pull away. Instead she threw her arms around me and held on tight.

"It's okay," I murmured. " It's going to be okay. I'm here for you. We all are."

**I am not satisfied with this chapter at all. But, whatever. I just wanted to get it out there. I was starting to get stuck, and I promise my next chapter will be good to make up for this one. Next chapter: another session with Dr. Brahm; Sean starts to buckle under the pressure; Ellie and Sean disagree on the future of Brayden**

**Thanks for the awesome reviews! They make my day! Any suggestions/comments are always welcome. I'm experiencing some major writer's blockage.**


	33. Miserable

**Chapter 33: Miserable**

_Nothing to share;_

_why should I_

_care if you're near me._

_Give up all of my plans,_

_but who needs them_

_when you mean everything._

**Sean**

I slumped over the side of the crib and continued to stroke Brayden's soft little head, hoping he'd get the hint and fall sleep. All it seemed to do, though, was make _me_ even more tired. "Come on, buddy," I whispered as he kicked his little legs and blew spit bubbles. "Daddy's gotta sleep."

I sighed and rested my head on the crib railing. If Brayden doesn't go to bed soon, I don't know what I'll do. It's been like this all week- both of us not sleeping. I've barely been able to get my homework done, clean the house, go to work, and make it to school every day. At this rate, I'll be dead before I'm twenty.

Ellie's been staying at her parents's house this week- some new therapy technique where she only sees Brayden in small doses. I can't tell if it's working or not. After all, I barely get to see her either. She's always rushing around in school- too busy being the old, hard-working Ellie Nash to even stop and talk to me in the hallways. Not that I have any time to stop and talk either. I'm too busy cramming in a few minutes of studying before my history and vocabulary quizzes.

"Good boy," I whispered as Brayden's eyelids started to droop. His breathing became more regular and pretty soon his long eyelashes were brushing against his cheeks. "I love you, kiddo." I planted a soft kiss on his forehead and dimmed the lights in the room before heading out, baby radio in hand.

Maybe I could catch a few z's on the couch myself. I turned the TV on low and settled down on the couch, looking forward to a small nap. As soon as I started to feel myself drift off, the telephone started ringing.

"No, no, no, no, NO!" I jumped off the couch and dashed for the phone before it rang again. One more ring could be just enough to wake Brayden up.

_Too late_. Brayden's cries filled the room, and I held the phone receiver up to my ear as I started towards the nursery. "'Lo?"

"Hey," Ellie's soft voice rang out over the phone.

"Hey," I muttered.

"What's wrong?"

"_Nothing_. The phone just woke up Brayden. That's all. No big deal..." _Yeah, right_. No big deal? It was a _huge_ deal!

"Oh. _Sorry_. It's not like I knew he was sleeping or something."

"Well, maybe if you were here like you _should_ be, you'd know."

"Call me back when you grow up."

"You're the one who needs to grow up and start taking responsibility!" I snapped right before she hung up. Good, I got the last word. But who knew I'd ever be saying those words? Not me. That's for sure. I never imagined I'd be doing this. I never saw myself as a teenaged parent.

Life kind of finds a way to kick you in the balls at the worst possible moments.

I picked Brayden up and bounced him in my arms, hoping the motion would make him tired again. "Come on, bud. You gotta sleep sometime. And daddy's gotta sleep, too."

His cries just came even louder. I looked in the small mirror that hung over his changing table. The dark bags under my eyes were starting to take over my whole face. I've already lost six pounds. And I can barely find a minute to shave my face.

"Your life sucks," I muttered to my reflection. I have to find a way to stop this. I can't keep doing this anymore.

It's not what I want.

**Ellie**

_I don't know what to do about Sean. Every time I try to talk to him he's way too busy to even say "hello" to me. It sucks. It really does. He won't talk to me at school, he won't talk to me at home, and every time I suggest that I come over for the night it's not a good time. It's _never_ a good time for him. Go figure._

_What really pisses me off is that he promised he'd be here for me. He promised that he's help me through therapy and he'd understand that it was going to take me awhile. But what does he do the first chance he gets? He goes back on that promise and makes me feel like I'm a horrible person. I've tried being the bigger person- it's not working. He just wants nothing to do with me._

_And I can't let that happen. I can't let him just discard me as if I'm a piece of trash. I'm a human being, and I deserve more than he's been giving me. So he needs to understand that he's going to have to try even harder. I won't let him just give up on me. _

I closed my journal and threw it across the room. Screw journals. All Dr. Brahm is going

to do anyway is read it and tell me I'm making progress. As if that's helpful. I picked my knitting up from beside me and started to furiously crochet- another project of mine. I'm crocheting Brayden a little hat. It's supposed to bring me closer to him and make me excited again. I guess you can say it's working. I've been working on it nonstop since I bought the yarn and hooks and Dr. Brahm taught me how to crochet. I'm excited about getting it finished- so that's a step, right?

My cell phone rang, and I scrambled to pick it up- hoping it'd be Sean.

"Hey!"

"Hey, Ash."

"What's up?"

"Crocheting."

"Aw, Martha Stewart. How cute."

"Ha. Very funny."

"Yeah, well, Mom and Jeff really want to see Brayden. You should bring him over tomorrow night and have dinner with us. It'd be fun."

"I don't know..." Was I ready for that? It's a really big step, you know? I immediately thought of all the things that could go wrong if I took him. What if I got in a wreck on the way to the Kerwin's? Or what if he got a cold? What if-... But maybe I could have his hat finished by tomorrow... and he could wear it. I looked at the tiny navy blue hat in my lap and smiled. And he could wear his little navy and grey outfit. He'd look completely precious.

All of a sudden, I felt a little flicker of excitement grow in my stomach.

"Come on, El. You have to do this sometime."

"Well... _maybe_..."

"_Ellie_... I really think you're ready for this. I'll help you."

A smile tugged at my lips, and I was immediately thankful for a friend like Ashley. So she's not a perfect friend, but lately she's really been here for me.

"Okay," I agreed. "Brayden and I will come over for dinner."

"Bring Sean, too!"

"Yeah... Yeah, he'll like that. I'll call him right now!"

"Okay, bye!"

"Bye." I ended the call and immediately dialed Sean's number.

"'Lo?"

"Hey," I greeted softly.

"Hey," he muttered.

"What's wrong?"

"_Nothing_. The phone just woke up Brayden. That's all. No big deal..."

I frowned at his attitude. "Oh. _Sorry_. It's not like I knew he was sleeping or something." Seriously, am I supposed to be psychic or something?

"Well, maybe if you were here like you _should_ be, you'd know."

"Call me back when you grow up." I've had enough of his remarks.

"You're the one who needs to grow up and start taking responsibility!"

I hung up the phone and threw it down on the bed. "UGH!" I groaned out loud. Why does he have to be so impossible? Seriously, is it that difficult to just be _nice_ to me for once? Whatever happened to the patient, caring Sean who said he'd help me through this? Either I hallucinated his kindness and devotion to me or he has multiple personalities.

I slumped against the headboard of my bed and crossed my arms. Talking to Sean can really put a damper on my mood. And to think, I was almost starting to feel good about myself...

A soft knock sounded on my door before it slowly crept open. I turned my head and stared at the doorway, surprised to see my dad actually standing in it.

"Dad!" I sat up quickly. "Aren't you supposed to be in Hong Kong?"

"I wrapped things up early, Elle-bear." He sat on the edge of my bed and put a hand on my shoulder. "How do you feel?"

I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. "I'm fine, daddy," I lied. Yeah, I'm fine except for the fact that my boyfriend and the father of my baby is a huge jerk.

"That's my girl." He grabbed one of my pigtails and tugged on it gently. I looked up at him and smiled sadly. I didn't have to bother saying anything else. My father and I are alike in many ways, but mostly we're alike in the fact that we both hide when we're hurt or scared. And we know not to push each other past that facade of happiness and content.

"Your mom's putting dinner on the table right now. Are you going to come down and eat with us?"

I hesitated before shaking my head. "I'm not really hungry right now." I ducked my head and inspected the shape of my fingernails, feeling incredibly Paige-like at the moment. I felt my dad's hand on the back of my head, running gently over my hair. I bit down hard on my lip, determined not to show my dad just how scared I am.

He sighed and stood up. "Well, if you change your mind..."

I followed him with my eyes as we walked out of my room. To everyone else my dad would look bored and unaffected, but to me he looked defeated. I pushed myself off of my bed and tugged on the neckline of my hoodie. Why did I have to feel like it was choking me? My reflection in my vanity mirror caught my attention, and I sat down in front of it.

I can't do this anymore. Overcoming this obstacle in my life won't be easy, but I'm going to do it. But it's not just for me and Brayden now. It's for Sean and Ashley and Marco and my parents. I can't handle hurting them like this anymore. I may not be where I want to be right now, but I'm on my way.

**Marco**

I jogged up to the tiny redhead a few feet ahead of me and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "And how's my bestest best friend doing today?"

Ellie rolled her eyes and tugged the bottom of her lacy black top down over the strip of stomach above the loose waist of her skirt. "Shoot me before you ever use language like that again, okay?"

I laughed and tugged her closer to me. "Sure. So... black, lace, _and_ killer boots? Someone's in a good mood today," I egged her on.

"What?" she turned her face to look at me as she quickened her pace. "Am I supposed to wear Mom jeans now or something? Should I invest in elastic waistbands?"

I squeezed her shoulder and laughed. "I can't even _imagine_ a pair of Mom jeans on you... That image is beyond creepy," I shuddered.

"Speaking of beyond creepy..." Ellie muttered as Paige strolled up to us.

"Hi, Marco!" she chirped. She fixed Ellie with an icy glare and flicked a strand of blonde hair behind her shoulder. "Hello, _Vampira_."

"Paige, grow up."

"Ellie, _shut_ up."

"Bitch, _please_-..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I held up my hands and stepped in between the girls. "Both of you, stop it. Seriously. This feud has to stop sometime."

"As long as Paige stays out of my business, it will."

"As long as Ellie stays out of my air space, I'll be fine. So, run along, Morticia. Nobody wants you here."

"Paige," I warned. She huffed and crossed her arms, avoiding my eyes. I wrapped my free arm around her shoulder and led the girls down the hallway to our homeroom. "So, Paige, I'm liking the new haircut."

She ran a hair through her new shoulder-length haircut. "Thanks, Marco. It's _so_ chic, isn't it?"

"Um, it's called a haircut that half the world possesses..." Ellie jumped in.

"Be nice!" I chuckled into her ear, but I couldn't keep the smile from my face as Paige let out an indignant snort.

"Coming from the girl who doesn't even know what style is... Listen, I don't have time for this. Marco, save me a seat at lunch."

"Well, I promised Ellie that-..." but she was already heading off down the hallway.

"Forget it. So, Marco, are you coming tonight to Ashley's little dinner?"

"Brayden's coming out party? Of course, I'll be there."

She wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled herself closer to me. "I"m just scared that something's going to go wrong, you know?"

"What could go wrong?"

"Well, Brayden could-..."

"On second thought, don't answer that. Listen, everything's going to be fine tonight. I just can't wait to see you and Sean and Brayden as a little family."

"Mmmm, _minus_ Sean plus my parents."

"Whoa, _whoa_!" I couldn't believe my ears. "Sean's not coming?"

Ellie shrugged. "I called to invite him, but he just tore my ear off. It's like everything I do isn't good enough for him. It's like he's my fucking parents or something!" she revealed in a low voice.

I held her away by the shoulders and looked her in the eye. "Don't. Don't let this ruin what you guys have."

"This meaning my craziness?"

"No!"

"No, Marco, it's true. I'm crazy. And it's all my fault."

"It's _not_ your fault."

"Tell Sean that. He keeps acting as if it is."

"He's stressed. He's taking care of a baby; you're not there; it isn't what he imagined it would be; and he misses you."

"You think he does? 'Cause the way he's acting is like he doesn't ever want to talk to me again."

"He does. Believe me. So all you have to do is ask him again."

She sighed and gave a little smile. "You're right. I'm not going to give up."

"Good! So how about you go find him right now and ask him?"

She hesitated and put her hands on her hips, looking up at the ceiling. "Shouldn't he be apologizing to _me_?"

I snorted and looked at her in disbelief. "Since when does Ellie Nash think like that?"

"Fine. Fine! I'll go find him."

"Tell me all about it in homeroom!" I called out after her.

**Ellie**

I quickly made my way down the hallway towards the Grapevine office- the complete opposite direction of Sean's normal stomping grounds. So I told Marco I'd ask him again, and I will. Just... not right now. Right now, I have to work on my story for the next edition of the school newspaper.

"Ellie, how are you feeling?" Liberty van Zandt looked up from behind her desk in the office. I took a seat behind my own and quickly organized the mess of papers on my desk.

"Fine," I replied, not really wanting to get into any of the gritty details about my sucky life thus far. I pulled out my planner and checked my deadline. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that I still had a few more days to work on my piece.

"Do you think you'll have your story in on time? You can have a few more days if you'd like."

Since when was Liberty so lax about a deadline? Especially when it comes to me? I'm the only person keeping her from being the full-blown editor of this paper. She's never cut me any slack before.

"I'll have it in on time. You don't need to do me any favors."

"Just trying to be nice..."

I looked up from my computer and gave her a small smile. "I know. Thanks."

She pursed her lips and turned back to her notebook. I went back to typing up my article.

"Woah! Miss Nash is back in business! What's your latest?" Mr. Simpson stumbled into the office, arms full of papers, a briefcase, and a coffee mug.

I smiled and pushed my chair back on it's wheels. "Nothing _too_ captivating. Just putting out into the open a few of the gender roles put into affect by the school. What do you think?"

"Sounds wonderful. What do you have so far?"

"Oh, just a few things... Like girls have to have special permission to take shop. Or the vice versa for boys and home economics. Or how about the fact that the morning announcements _never_ cover any of the girls' sports? Or what about-..."

Mr. Simpson held up his hands and nodded. "I get it. I can't wait to read it. I agree that there are lousy stereotypes put upon the boys and girls in this school. In _every_ school. A lot of it is in the comments given by the teachers, too. Have you ever noticed how a lot of the teachers will tell boys to try harder, but to girls they just say good try? We push boys so much more than girls. It's ridiculous. I've even caught myself doing it sometimes."

"Can I quote you on that?"

"Yeah. You can."

"Thanks." I pushed my long hair behind my shoulder and quickly copied down what Mr. Simpson had just said. Now all I had to do was get a few more quotes, talk to Alex about the procedure she had to go through to get into shop, and ask Spinner about getting into home economics.

"So, Ellie... how you been holding up?"

I had to force myself not to flinch at his worried tone. Why was everyone so damn worried about me? I can take care of myself. I always have. I stood up and gathered my book bag. "I really have to get going. Homeroom starts in a few minutes."

"I can write you a pass."

"Thanks, but... just... no thanks."

"Ellie, I really want to talk to you."

"Mr. Simpson, I'm _fine_. Believe me." Seriously, why did he have to be so annoying all of a sudden?

And why the hell is he actually _following_ me out into the hallway. I took a deep breath as I started to push through the throngs of students that milled around the hallway. "Excuse me. Get out of my way," I muttered under my breath as I stepped around a group of giggling girls applying enough hair spray to destroy the ozone layer in five seconds. Not to mention my lungs.

"Ellie, I just think you're avoiding what's going on. You need to talk to someone."

I blushed furiously. Thank God everybody was so loud or else everyone would hear about me and my problems. Why does Mr. Simpson have to be so nosy? He's a nice guy and everything, but definitely nosy. And what does he know anyway? Has he ever dealt with this? I don't think so. I quickened my pace to lose him and let out a sigh of relief when I saw the hallway that led to my home room. Now all I had to do was turn at the corner and take a few more steps.

I turned at the corner. Too bad I ran straight into Sean.

**Sean**

I held onto her arms as she stepped away from me. "You okay?" I asked.

She nodded and ran a hand over her tired face.

"Where you headed?"

"Anywhere far away from Mr. Simpson," she grumbled.

"Huh?"

"Home room."

"Oh. I was looking for you."

"You were?"

"Yeah... Um... Sorry about..."

She put a hand on my elbow and squeezed. "Forget it. Really. You're stressed and tired, and so am I. We're just jumping at each other's-..."

"Throats. Yeah. It's really not-..."

"Helping. I know. So, let's start over."

We _can't_ start over. If we started over we wouldn't be where we are now. We wouldn't have a baby. We wouldn't be living together. We wouldn't be going through this whole thing. God, I wish we could start over. Too bad it's fucking impossible.

"Listen, Ashley's parents are making a big dinner tonight. They want us to-..."

"Come over. Ashley told me. So did Marco. They kind of yelled at me."

"Sorry."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, well, how about from now one we keep our personal things, uh, _personal_."

"Wow. Um. I think everybody knows by now that we have a baby. It was pretty obvious that I was pregnant."

"I'm not talking about that baby. I'm talking about _us_."

"_That_ baby has a name. And Brayden is a part of us now."

"Glad to see you're finally realizing that."

We stood in the hallway, bodies inches apart. Right now, all I wanted to do was just snap and let her see how stressed out this was making me. I wanted to scream at her to come home and take care of her son and let me sleep for once. I wanted to make her feel guilty for not being there for me. How long am I supposed to go without her? I _want_ her to be there with me when I eat dinner and when I do my homework and when I go to bed. And she's not. And she doesn't care that I need her too.

"So, are you coming tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, I'll see you."

"Do you want me to pick you up?"

"Not necessary. My parents are coming."

_Fuck. No._

* * *

I pulled on the collar button-up shirt and let out a huge breath. My stomach was in knots, and I was getting a splitting headache from listening to Ellie's mom talk about pearls. Seriously. Who gives a shit?

Ellie nudged me with her foot under the table, and I looked furiously at her. If she was even telling me to pay attention to her stupid mom then- Never mind. She smiled sweetly at me. I smiled back and started to relax. I placed a hand on her knee underneath the table. _Hey,_ maybe this night wouldn't be so bad after all.

Brayden started to make fussing noises, and everyone looked over at him. Cue the collective Oohs and Aws. I rolled my eyes as Ellie's mom started making some ridiculous cooing noises to him. For once she shows some sort or emotion other than contempt, and she's probably scaring the poor kid half to death.

"He's so adorable, Ellie. I can't believe he's yours!" Kate clasped her hands and made a funny face at Brayden. Brayden smiled and kicked his little legs.

"I love him so much."

"I bet you can't bear to leave him, huh? I could hardly stand leaving Ashley when she was a baby." Kate smiled over at Ashley.

I had to stop myself from snorting. I don't think Ellie thinks a second thought about leaving Brayden behind sometimes.

"It's true. I hate leaving him. I have to drag myself away sometimes. It's so hard especially when all I want to do is just hold him and play with him and give him baths and take naps with him..."

Huh? Has Ellie suffered from amnesia recently? I believe I'm the one who does all that stuff with him.

"Just last night, I was giving him his bath, and he was just making the cutest faces."

I shot Ellie a look, but she didn't bother noticing me. She just went on to tell Kate and Jeff about all the fun things her and Brayden have done together. Funny, I haven't heard my name once in any of the stories yet. Ashley toyed with her food nervously. Marco looked sick to his stomach. And Ellie's parents just smiled as if their daughter wasn't lying through her teeth. Was the Nash family seriously nuts? I couldn't help but look at Ellie as if she was a total psycho right now. All of these stories she's spitting out are lies, and she looks so _calm_ as she's telling them.

"It sounds like you're a wonderful mother, Ellie," Jeff responded.

Yeah, let's all applaud Wonder-Mom over here. What about me? I'm freaking Super-Dad. Here Ellie is taking credit for all the things _I_ do, and I'm getting ignored. It's like I'm just some random sperm donor or something.

"She is. It's going to be so hard for her to let go when she goes off to college..."

"What?" I was seriously confused. What did Ellie's mom mean by that?

"Sean, you really shouldn't interrupt people. It's rude."

"Don't tell me about rude, Elisabeth," I sneered.

"Sean," Ellie reprimanded under her breath.

"What does she mean by 'let go'? Huh?"

Mrs. Nash let out an exasperated breath and leaned forward. "Sean, you really don't expect Ellie to just give up college, do you?"

"No, I'm just really confused here."

"Sure you are, honey. College is a foreign concept to you, isn't it?"

"_Mom_!"

I gripped the handle of my fork. It was the only thing from keeping me from lunging across the stupid dinner table and choking Ellie's mom by her neck. "Ellie, why don't you just tell me what's going on?" I snapped.

"It's just... My mom... She... Uh... She-..."

"When Ellie goes off to college, _I _will be taking Brayden and raising him."

I jumped up so fast my chair fell backwards and the dishes on the table rattled. "_Like hell you will_!" I bellowed.

"Sean," Ellie pleaded, tugging on my arm.

"Let go of me. How could you? You grew up with her. You know what she's like. And you want her to raise our son? You want Brayden to watch her drink every night? Do you want him to have to take care of her drunk ass? She's so fucking _weak_. She'll just poison his mind. How dare you make that decision when you know what it's like to live with her? She abused you, Ellie. Emotionally. Mentally. You want Brayden to grow up thinking he's never good enough, just like you do? Fuck. Why don't you just take a blade to his arm right now?"

I felt a stinging sensation as Ellie smacked me across the face. Everyone sat in quiet shock as Ellie glared at me. For a split second, I thought of begging her for her forgiveness. I wanted to get on my knees and just _beg_ her to not be mad at me.

"You apologize to my daughter right now!" Mr. Nash warned. Ellie looked at me expectantly.

But I didn't.

"I'm not apologizing to you. I'm not sorry for anything I just said. In fact, there's a whole lot more I want to say to you." I glanced around the table at our audience. "But I'll do it in private. But don't think for once second that I'm going to take back anything I just said. Your mom is a witch. She is a life-ruiner. And I can't believe you want Brayden to go through that."

Mrs. Nash let out a strangled cry and rushed out of the kitchen. Her husband followed close behind to comfort her. Ellie glanced at the doorway her parents ran out of and her lip trembled as she looked back at me.

"That's not going to work. I've given you time to get better. You're not trying. And I'm sick of having to apologize for what I feel. So from now on, I'm not. I'm not walking on tip-toes around you anymore. I'm not letting you guilt me into feeling sorry for you. I'm saying what I want to say, and I don't care if you like it or not."

There. Now let's see what she has to say about that.

"Take me home right now," she seethed, staring at me dead-on.

* * *

The car ride was silent. I pulled the car alongside the road and turned it off. Ellie pushed the door open and angrily stomped up to the apartment, her red hair streaming behind her. I let out a sigh and followed. As soon as I put Brayden down in his crib and closed his door, Ellie opened her mouth.

"How could you say those things? In front of Ashley and Marco? In front of Ashley's _parents_?"

"I don't care."

"Well, I do. I don't care if you say those things to me. Fine. But why does every argument have to be public?"

"You make it that way. If we fight in private you just tell everybody about it, so why bother hiding it anymore? Face it, Ellie, we're screwed!"

"Fine. You can shit about me. Okay? I don't care what you say about me anymore because I've heard it all before! Damnit, Sean, but why did you have to say that stuff about my mom?"

"Because it's true! And you know it! You're mom is evil."

"My mom tries."

"How can you stand there and defend that woman after everything she's done to you?"

"Because it hasn't always been this bad, okay? There's been good times. My mom had me when she was fourteen. You think she had to have me? No, she could have gotten rid of me. But she _chose_ to have. She _wanted_ me. And she taught me how to tie my shoelaces, and she bought me my Madonna 'Lucky Star' record, and she taught me how to braid hair, and-..."

"She made you cut."

Ellie shook her head forcefully. "That's me. It's so easy to just make my mom a target, isn't it? She contributes to it, but there are other things."

"How can you leave Brayden behind? Don't you love him?"

"Of course, I do! But what good am I going to be to him if I can't even get a job? My mom's offering to watch him while I'm at class. She's offering to buy us a house when you come to college."

"I don't need her charity." I was bitter. I paced around the room, trying to make sense of anything Ellie was saying. But all I could see was red.

"Next you're going to tell me that Brayden will be attending some ritzy private school where he'll grow up hooked on drugs and turn into some yuppie bastard!"

"So what if he does go to private school? What? You jealous that he'll get things you never had?"

"Jealous? No way. I'm just scared he's going to end up like _you_!"

"How dare you?"

"It's true. You're sitting there telling Ashley's parents about what a _wonderful_ mom you are and how special you are, and it's all in your head. You're crazy to make up stories like that."

"Who cares? They're just stories!"

"They're _fantasies_. And they're never coming true."

"You asshole."

"What? Are you going to cry now? Go ahead and try. I'm not letting you push me around anymore. I'm sick of always being the wrong guy. I'm always wrong, _you're_ always right. It's a fucking dictatorship between us, and I can't stand it anymore. And if you can't let me be who I am and say what I want then we're ov-..."

Ellie's lips crushed mine as she threw herself against me in a forceful kiss. I was too shocked to return it but she didn't seem to mind. She pulled away breathless and running her hands over my chest.

"What?" I was so confused. One minute we were fighting, _screaming_ at each other, and the next minute Ellie's kissing me?

"Shut up," she ordered. I watched in amazement as she leaned towards me again and pulled my head down to hers, tugging at my hair to the point where it hurt, but felt so damn good at the same time. She hungrily kissed me, but I still didn't give in. If she thinks this is going to make up for all the times she's bullied me into being a wimp and apologizing to her, she has another thing coming.

She whimpered slightly as she frantically kissed my lips, my cheek, my cheek, my neck, my collarbone... My knees buckled as she pressed her hips against me and ripped my shirt open, popping off a few buttons in the process.

"My shirt..." I complained lamely.

She looked at me in disbelief as she worked on my belt. "You're worried about your shirt?" she gasped through her ragged breathing. She pulled me over to the kitchen counter by the belt, not taking a break from kissing me for even a second. I watched as she jumped up onto the counter and spread her legs, pulling me towards her by the ripped shirt that was still hanging off of me. She tore it off all the way and threw it over her head.

I stood still. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to do.

"Sean, stop acting like a prude."

"We-we were just fighting and-..."

Ellie looked up from unbuttoning her top. "And it turned me on. I know."

"Wha- I'm so-..."

"What don't you get, Sean? I _want_ you. You talking back to me like that really... it did it for me." She wrapped her legs around my waist and tangled her fingers into my hair again. "Fuck me."

"_What!_"

"Screw me. Make love to me. Just _touch_ me."

She didn't have to beg me anymore. I helped her get her shirt off of the rest of the way and pulled her tank top over her head before landing my lips on her neck. She moaned and pulled at my hair as I made me way down her collarbone to the exposed area of her breasts. I pulled back slightly and rested my forehead against hers as I shakily slipped her bra straps down her arms, running my hands over her smooth shoulders. Our breaths were short and desperate, and I realized just how much I had missed being with her.

"We are so messed up," I whispered.

"So?" She kissed me hard, sucking on my lower lip till it was puffy and swollen. I tangled my tongue up in hers and relished in how good her nails felt as they trailed up and down my back, switching from hard to barely there.

I helped her take off her skirt as she unbuckled my pants and let them fall to the ground. I stepped out of them and leaned her back slowly so I could kiss her abdomen. She wrapped her legs around me again and sighed as I kissed the spot in between her breasts.

"I need you now," she whispered into my ear.

I smiled and teased her a little more by making her wait. She let out a sound of frustration and pushed me away slightly. "You may think you're some tough guy from now on, and that's fine with me, but both know who dominates in this area."

She pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow at me. I chuckled and pushed my lips against hers. "I think I'm fine with that," I murmured into her lips.

* * *

Later that night, we lay in bed, sweaty and out-of-breath from our late-night activities. Ellie rolled over on top of me and started to suck on my neck.

"_Again_?" I complained half-heartedly. I was exhausted. I'm not sure that I'm even man enough to satisfy Ellie's libido.

"Nah," she whispered, collapsing against my body. "Just felt like kissing you."

"Mmm," I moaned, closing my eyes.

She ran a hand up and down the arm I had hooked behind my head. I grazed her back with my fingertips, and she shivered.

"I'm sorry."

"Sean, don't apologize. You said you weren't going to apologize."

"You make it so fucking hard. I feel guilty if I say anything remotely mean to you."

"Don't. I'm a big girl."

"You're sensitive."

"Shh. You're not supposed to know that." She raised her head and looked at me through heavy eyelids. I leaned forward and kissed her softly.

"Fine. I'm not sorry. Cause I meant it."

"I know you did."

"So what are we going to do about it?"

"I don't know. Promise me, though, that you'll hear my side. And then I'll hear your side. And then we can make this decision together."

"And you promise you will look at my side?" I asked her.

"I promise."

I smiled and nodded my head. "But let's not talk about that tonight. Let's forget all about dinner tonight. Let's just remember dessert."

"You're so cheesy."

"And I'm so turned on right now."

"I so can feel it."

"So..." I lifted my eyebrows.

"So..." Ellie lifted her right eyebrow.

I pinned her underneath me and trailed little kisses down her neck, making sure to go as slow as possible.

"Damnit, Sean. I love you."

"I love you, too."

**extra long chapter because i've been such a bad author! i didn't have the internet for a LONG time so hopefully now that I have it back I can update more regularly. So I hope you guys like this chapter. I enjoyed writing it.**

**Next chapter:**

**- Ellie and Sean discuss Brayden's future**

**- and... ? I don't know yet. Ideas, anyone?**

**Reviews/Suggestions always welcome! Thanks for sticking with the story!**


	34. Learn to Fly

**Chapter 34: Learn to Fly**

_I think I'm done nursing the patience_

_I can wait one night_

_I'd give it all away if you give me one last try_

_We'll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life_

_Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone_

**Jay**

Flipping through a car magazine, I rolled my eyes as I heard giggles and quiet whispers

coming from the bedroom. Could they be anymore obvious? She was laughing her little "after-sex-giggles" and he was doing his "after-sex-hushed-voice". As if the _noise_ hadn't been enough evidence last night. Sean's bed had creaked all night; someone had gotten lucky, and it sure as hell hadn't been me. Not that I'm _bitter_ or anything.

I sighed as I heard footsteps. Great, just what I want to see. Ellie's bedroom hair, and Sean's after glow. "Do you want some water?" Ellie called over her shoulder quietly.

"Aw, thanks, _dear_," I pouted my lips towards her.

She swatted me across the head and laughed. "Go to sleep, Jay."

"How can I? I had to listen to you and Sean getting all R. Kelly on me."

"R. Kelly?"

"Ya know. Bumpin' and grindin'."

She gave me a painful look. "That was _bad_."

I shrugged and shut my magazine. "So, it looks like you and Seany made up?"

"You can say that."

"How precious."

She stuck her tongue out at me and walked back into the bedroom. I stared after her as she forgot to close the door; my ears perked up when I heard Sean clear his throat and start talking.

"So, about last night... dinner..."

"Yeah..." Ellie laughed nervously. "You haven't forgotten?"

"You're pretty damn amazing, but nothing could erase that from my memory."

"Sean..."

"Yeah?"

"I really think we're not communicating as well as we used to. I don't listen to you, and you sure as hell don't listen to me."

"Thanks," Sean replied dryly.

"It's true. We're always jumping to conclusions. So... let me explain my side, and then I'll listen as you explain yours. No interruptions, okay?"

"Fine."

"Okay, what do you want me to explain?"

"Everything," Sean snorted. "What your _mom_ was talking about, the whole college thing, just everything."

I give it five minutes before they're screaming at each other.

Ellie groaned. "Okay. My mom? What she said was _not_ true."

"Thank God."

"But- it wasn't a lie, either. It was just fabricated a little."

"Great. So, your mom is really going to-..."

"No interruptions, remember?"

"Right. Go ahead."

She cleared her throat. "Okay, so my mom really blew things out of proportion last night. So did you, by the way. Anyway, I am _not_ letting her raise Brayden. He is _mine_. And _yours_. And whatever we decided for Brayden's future has to be decided by _both _of us."

"I agree."

"... But Sean... I can't give up everything. And I need my parents's help for some things."

"_I _can help you."

"By what? Watching Brayden while I'm in class? What about you? Are you just going to quit school and not even graduate?"

"I don't care about school. I'll watch him. I'll-..."

"I don't want to be with someone who can't even finish school. I'm sorry, but that isn't what I want. And you deserve better than some minimum-wage job."

"Then there has to be another way. I mean. What about babysitters, or-..."

"What about _free help_? My mom is offering to watch Brayden while I am at class. And we can get a bigger place. And Brayden will almost _two_ by the time this all even happens."

"And she's going to corrupt him."

"My mom loves him."

"Your mom loves herself."

"My mom is difficult. And weak. And she's hurt me. _A lot_. I'm not denying that at all."

Oh God, was she actually _crying_ in there? This is enough to send anyone over the edge.

"But I haven't been the easiest daughter either."

"You took care of her every day while she was drunk. Nobody should have to deal with that."

"But-..."

"I watched my parents destroy themselves. And I ran away. And I didn't talk to them for four years. I don't want to see that happen to you. I just wanna protect you. And Brayden."

I think I'm going to get sick.

"But my mom is under control now. She's better."

"That's what they all say."

"Maybe. But I have to believe her because I care about her. And there's nothing you can say to change that, Sean. She's a part of my life. She's a part of your life. And she's a part of Brayden's life. No matter what."

"And what if she starts drinking again?"

"I can't think like that. I have to trust her."

"It's hard for me to trust anybody. And I don't have reason not to. You? You trust everybody. And everybody walks all over you. Explain that to me."

"There's a difference between trusting people and being a doormat. Me? I'm a doormat."

I snorted and couldn't keep the smile off my face. Ellie's so pathetic.

"I don't want Brayden growing up with grandparents that ignore him. That shove him into private schools and buy him everything, but can't even talk to him. That's not how I want his life to be. I don't want him to have the life you did."

"And the moment it's like that, that's it. The end. I won't let Brayden around them anymore."

"You mean that?"

"Yes. But you have to give my parents a chance. Promise me you'll try."

Sean hesitated. I felt my heart beating like crazy as I waited for him to answer. Woah! Since when do I even care about Sean and Ellie's relationship?

"Fine. I'll try."

An involuntary smile spread across my face. Sick. I'm actually _happy_ right now .God dammit, Jay! Grow some balls!

I heard the nauseating sound of their lips smacking together as they started to make out. If this is a sequel to last night than I'm not buying a ticket.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Oh, Ellie, I love you so much!" I cried out in a falsetto before making gagging noises. I heard a giggle and the door being slammed. The bedsprings started creaking again.

"_And_ that's my cue," I whispered to myself as I grabbed my coat and threw it on before leaving the apartment. But, hey, maybe I can use some of those lines on Lexi. Then I'll definitely get laid!

**Sean**

"Hey, Ellie. It's Sean. I just wanted to tell you about the cute thing Brayden did. So, uh,

bye." I hung up the phone and leaned back in my chair. Brayden stared back at me from his play pen, grinning and spitting bubbles. "What? You think it's funny that I can't get a hold of your mommy? Guess what. It's not."

I laughed when he stuck his tongue out and made a weird face. "Come here, turtle," I said affectionately and picked him up, holding him close to me. A knock sounded at the door, and I sighed.

"Yeah?"

"Hey..." Ellie tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and stepped forward, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.

"What are you doing here?" I was pleasantly surprised. Usually she calls before she comes over. Or... usually she doesn't even come over at all. I mean, let's be honest here.

She shrugged and leaned against the counter. "I was in the neighborhood. Wanted to bring this."

She held out a small gift bag to me, and I took it, adjusting Brayden to just one arm. "What is it?"

"Just open it!" She laughed. Damn, it's good to see her laugh like that again.

I reached my hand inside the bag and pulled out a grey and blue knit hat. "Did you buy this?"

"No, I made it!"

"Seriously."

"Yeah!"

"It looks great. Whaddya think, Bray-Bray? Is it cool enough for you?" I let the bag fall to the ground as I worked on getting the hat on his tiny head.

"Here, let me help." Ellie stepped forward and helped adjust the hat over Brayden's head. It fit perfectly. She ran her hand over his covered head and down his little arm, letting her hand rest on his for a moment before pulling away. "Perfect," she swallowed.

"You're doing better. I can tell," I acknowledged.

She tugged at the necklace around her throat and shrugged. "Yeah, I guess I am. My parents and I had brunch with Dr. Brahm today."

"And...?"

"And we talked. It wasn't a session or anything."

"Well, I figured that. It's Sunday."

"It's getting easier. To talk. It's easier to talk now."

"I've been a screw-up. I've been so impatient and..."

"Sean, stop it. You've been amazing."

"But I could have been easier on you."

"No, I just make things difficult."

"True. I'm not going to lie," I mused. I searched her eyes. "But you can't help it sometimes, you know? You can't help this." I gestured towards Brayden.

"I can help it. I can try and get better. I can talk. And I want you to know that I really am trying. I want to be a family."

"That's all I want, too."

She smiled up at me and looked at me through lowered lashes. I swallowed hard and shifted my weight to my other foot. "So..."

"So..."

I watched as she leaned back against the counter again. Driving me completely crazy without realizing it. Her hips stuck out a little as she stood there and she looked away at the TV. I watched Brayden's eyes get sleepy and smiled. "Someone's getting tired. He needs to take his nap."

"Okay."

"I'll put him down. You wait here." I kissed her on the forehead, and she hesitantly reached out a hand to caress Brayden's cheek quickly. The image made me grin.

"Good boy," I whispered to Brayden as I lay him in his crib. "You know what Daddy needs right now, don't you? Some alone time with Mommy!" I stood over him until he fell asleep and pulled a thin blanket over him loosely. I think I'm actually pretty good at this dad thing. Who knew, huh?

"Brayden is down for his nap." I clapped my hands and rubbed them together, giving Ellie the eye.

She raised an eyebrow and wrapped her arms around me. "Oh?"

"Oh," I repeated, chuckling huskily.

"Mmm... So, what now?"

"Umm... How about we head in here?" I picked her up around her waist and carried her into the bedroom as she kissed me forcefully.

I dropped her on the bed and ran my hands down her sides. "You had every attention to seduce me, didn't you? Miniskirt... Boots..." I ran my hands down the front of her jean miniskirt and to the top of her black stiletto boots.

She leaned back against her elbows as I slowly unzipped her boots and slipped them off, one by one. "Hmmm... it's a therapy technique. Sex makes people happy, right?"

"Makes _me_ happy..." I murmured as I caressed her now naked legs, taking in their smoothness. I trailed kisses from her ankle on up, watching her with my eyes the entire time. She bit her lip and pushed her hips up, inviting me to take off her skirt next.

I slid the denim skirt off her hips, she kicked them off the rest of the way, as I crushed my lips against hers. I couldn't take it anymore. She breathed heavily against me as she struggled with taking my ribbed undershirt off. "You're driving me crazy," she whispered in my ear.

I just smirked.

**Marco**

I smirked as Ellie turned the corner and came towards me. I stood up from my leaning

spot at her locker so she could open it.

"So..." I began.

"What?" She rolled her eyes, but could hardly contain her smile.

"Someone couldn't talk on the phone last night... Even though I called her probably twenty times in a row."

She laughed and shut her locker. "You were really ruining the mood. Somehow Savage Garden's _I Want You_ didn't make the sexiest song list."

"Savage Garden? I'm honored to have that as my ringtone! So, what _mood_ was I ruining again?"

"Forget it..."

"Would _Let's Get It On_ have been more appropriate to hear?" I jabbed her in the ribs lightly.

"Perhaps."

"So, details."

"Pardon me?"

"Sweet? Rough? Sweaty? Long? Short? Where? What position? Good? Bad?"

"Am I in a Harlequin romance novel or something?"

"Yeah, you didn't get that memo." I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. "No, seriously, I want to hear all the kinky details."

"Marco..."

"Exactly! I'm Marco. You're best buddy. We tell each other everything!"

Ellie pulled me to a bench by one of the windows and sat down. "Okay, I'll give you all the sexy details. After dinner, we argued. Naturally. And then-..."

"You so had angry sex. God, that's awesome."

"It was hot. I'll say that. And then Sunday I went over to the apartment to drop off a hat and..."

"What were you wearing?"

"Oh, my tall boots... A skirt..."

"You temptress!" I marveled. "Ellie, you're a vixen!"

She bent over in a peal of laughter and grabbed my knee for support. "Marco!"

I couldn't keep the grin off of my face. She's _laughing_. She's actually bent at the waist _laughing_. A flash caught our attention, and we looked up.

Craig lowered his camera. "For the yearbook," he explained. He brought it back up to his eye. "Okay, now smile!"

We threw our arms around each other and pressed our cheeks together in total cheesy picture mode. Craig's camera flashed, and the moment was caught for eternity.

"You guys are incredible," Craig shook his head as he walked away. Snapping pictures of students at their lockers and walking through the hallways.

I stared at Ellie's profile. "You're happy."

She looked at me hesitantly. "You know, I think you're right. I think I'm on my way."

"You just need to keep talking. And doing things that make you happy," I encouraged earnestly.

"Being with you makes me happy. Thanks for not giving up on me."

"Did you ever give up on me? No, you stuck with me. And gave up a year of your life to help me find out who I am. And you've supported me with everything. There's no way I could let you down."

"It was my pleasure. You don't have to pay me back for anything."

"I know. But I want to."

I ruffled her hair playfully and held out my hand. "Ready?"

She put her hand in mine. "Ready."

**Alex**

_In Walt Whitman's poem "Miracles" he lists many everyday things we take for granted as being miracles. In your literature journal, write a response about a miracle you have seen in your life._

What am I? In sixth grade? These journals are pointless. Whatever.

I've never seen a miracle. And trees and bees and stars and whatever else Whitman thought was miracle isn't. It's science. Pure, simple science. I don't think miracles exist. For instance, why does everybody call it the _miracle_ of birth? It's a birth. It's not a miracle. It happens everyday. To every animal. We're not special just because we're humans. I mean, take my friend for instance, she had a baby. And she couldn't even hold it. How am I supposed to call that a miracle? I don't even know if she's held her baby once yet. And so her boyfriend is stuck dealing with the kid. Ha! How's that for ironic? For once the father is taking care of the baby while the mother takes time to deal with her issues. My father walked out on my mom when I was three. All I know about him is that he was a bum and liked cars. He wanted to race them. How responsible. So my entire life I've tried to be close to him by hanging out with the boys and taking shop class and dating a guy who spends all his time souping up his car. How stupid can I get? As if that makes me closer to him in any way. I don't even know what his favorite song is or what his laugh sounds like or anything. So, okay, I guess it's a miracle that Sean is actually taking responsibility for his kid and taking care of the baby all by himself. Then again, I saw Ellie and Sean acting all couple-like in the hallway. Hugging, holding hands, talking about the baby... So does that mean Ellie's getting better? Is she going to start acting like a mom? I guess I'll just have to wait and see before I jump to conclusions. But if she can pull herself out of the mess she was in before- out of all that darkness- than maybe she's a miracle in the works. So maybe a family that actually sticks together and cares about each other is a miracle. That is, if you believe in miracles.

**Wow, i actually took time out of my exam schedule to write this. Kudos to me! I tried to incorporate different POVs so I hope it was enjoyable. Next chapter- I think Ellie and her mom are going to babysit Brayden while Sean has a boys night out. And... who knows. **

**comments/suggestions always welcome!**

**thanks for sticking with it!**


	35. Can't Help Falling In Love

**Chapter 35: Can't Help Falling In Love**

_Like a river flows surely to the sea_

_Darling so it goes_

_Some things are meant to be_

_Take my hand, take my whole life, too_

**Ellie**

I pulled my hair back into a loose ponytail and pushed up the sleeves of my shirt, revealing a few faint scars that still had not healed- remainders of harder times. I pushed my hands down into the warm, soapy water and pulled the washcloth to the surface. Taking a dirty plate in my other hand, I wiped at it with circular motions.

"Alert the press, Ellie Nash is doing manual labor?"

I raised an eyebrow at Sean. "Don't push it."

He chuckled and zipped his hoodie up. "You sure you'll be okay?"

"I'll be fine. My mom said if I need help I can call her."

"Yay..." he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" I warned.

"Nothing. Are you sure?"

I let out an exasperated sigh and held up the wet washcloth threateningly. "Leave now or be damp."

"Okay, okay... I'm going."

I watched as he closed the door softly behind him, careful not to wake Brayden from his nap. I turned my head to look over at the sleeping baby and smiled softly. This would be my first night alone with him. So far, so good.

I groaned out loud as I looked at the pile of dirty dishes in the sink. _Of course_ the dishwasher had to choose to break down this morning. I hummed a little as I continued to scrub the dishes, getting lost in my own little fantasy where I was reincarnated as Cinderella.

"Hey..."

And there's my Prince Charming.

"What now?"

Sean stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked at me sheepishly. "Are you sure you'll be okay? I don't have to go. I can stay with you. We can do this together."

"Do you not trust me to be alone with Brayden?" I gave him an accusing look.

He shook his head forcefully. "_No_. It's just... I don't want to overwhelm you."

I threw the washcloth in the sink and took a hesitant step towards him. "I'm doing better now."

"I _know_. I'm just worried that maybe this is going too fast..."

"My mom is waiting by the phone. And anyway... I can do this, okay?" My eyes pleaded with Sean's to just have faith in me. Sure, I may have messed up from the start. I may have had my issues, but I was dealing with them now. And I needed this chance to prove myself to him. To everybody. And to myself.

Sean framed my face with his hands and lightly kissed me in a rare show of unguarded emotion. He pulled away, slightly embarrassed, and stuffed his hands back in his pockets, turning his head slightly. "Anyway... yeah, you can do it. I believe in you."

I decided to not to push him any further by gushing about the tender way he had just held my face or the impossible amount of passion he had just put into that barely there embrace. Instead I let it go for fear of embarrassing him. "Go play poker. Drink a few beers. Have _fun_. You deserve it."

He held up his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. I'm going. I'll see you later."

"Don't drive _drunk_."

"I won't!"

He kissed me on the cheek before tearing out of the apartment. I watched from the window in amusement as he hopped into the car, looking excited to finally be getting out of the house and away from the demanding role of adult.

The phone rang, and I ran to pick it up before it disturbed Brayden. "Hello?"

"You okay?"

"_Mom_, I'm fine!"

"Are you sure? I can come over now, if you want. I can help you clean up that _messy_ apartment. I can watch Brayden as you take a shower. I can-..."

"Mom, I'm _fine_. I don't need help."

"Okay, I was just offering."

"I'll talk to you later. Bye."

I set the phone down and sighed. Why does everybody think I'm so incapable of doing anything by myself? I can handle this.

It took me an hour to finally get all the dishes clean and the apartment straightened up. Brayden slept the entire time. As I was organizing the DVDs, however, he awoke with a piercing scream.

"Shh! It's okay, Brayden!" I tried to calm him down as I lifted him out of his baby swing. "Shh! SHH!"

I paced back and forth, slightly bouncing him up and down, hoping that he would stop crying soon. Ten minutes later, he was still screaming, and I was at my wit's end. My forehead had broken out into a sweat, my blood pressure was rising, my heart was practically crashing through my chest, and my hands were shaking.

"Please, just _stop crying_!" Tears formed in my eyes as I looked at how much pain he seemed to be in as his tiny fists flailed in the air. "It'll be okay if you just stop crying. _Please_!"

I set him back down in his swing and stepped away slowly. I buried my face in my hands and let out a shuddering sob. What the _hell_? Why wouldn't he stop crying? Was something wrong? Forget about how much I knew about babies before... that's all gone out the window at this moment. I can't even think straight right now. I can barely remember my own name at this point.

Brayden let out another piercing shriek, and I immediately reached for the phone and dialed the number.

"Mom?" I choked out.

"What's wrong?"

"_Please_. You have to come over. Please, help me."

"Is it Brayden? Is it you?"

"It's Brayden. Just please come help me."

"I'm heading towards the car now. Stay calm, sweetie."

I hung the phone up and ran a shaky hand through my hair. I tried to think of a logical reason why Brayden would be crying, but the only thing I could think about was the sound of his cries. How desperate they sounded. Why couldn't I just help him?

**Sean**

"Batman or Superman?"

I gazed at my beer intently. "Batman. Definitely."

"Why?"

"He's got all those cool gadgets! I mean, he has the _car_."

"True. True." Jay nodded his head in agreement and took a swig of his beer. "Craig?"

"Superman. He's simple. He doesn't _need_ gadgets."

"Whatever, dude. Batman could kick Superman's ass any day."

Jay interfered. "Okay, ladies, shut the hell up. Anyway, I prefer Cat woman. Meow!"

Craig and I took one look at each other and burst out laughing. "You would!"

"Hell, sometimes Lexi will even dress up as Cat woman. It's frickin' hot."

Craig and I got lost in the thought of Alex wearing leather and carrying a whip. Yeah, that was kind of hot.

"Can Ashley borrow her costume?" Craig joked.

"Yeah, Ashley, Queen of the Prudes."

"Watch it, Jay."

"Sorry. I forgot you were, like, completely devoted to her."

We were silent for awhile, enjoying the fact that for one night we had nothing better to do than just sit around and get wasted. Funny to think that this is the first night I've been able to hang out with my friends since Brayden was born.

"So, how did you get away from the screaming brat for the night?" Jay addressed the question to me.

"Ellie's watching him."

"I wasn't talking about Brayden."

I glared at him as he let out a deep laugh. "Man, I love ripping on you guys!"

"I've noticed."

"Lighten up. It was a joke."

Craig's curly mop swayed as he shook his head. "Jay, you think you're hilarious, don't you?"

"I am. Right? Am I right? I'm totally right. Anybody need another refill?"

I lifted a finger in reply and sat back in the couch as Jay went into the kitchen. We were hanging out at Craig's while Joey was out for the night. It'd been awhile since I was last at Craig's. I can't really remember exactly when I stopped coming over. I guess it was pretty much as soon as I fell into Jay's group. I kind of abandoned a lot of people at that point. But that was back in the day when I had my own problems, and I was selfish. Funny how people can change so drastically.

And funny how meeting that one special person can make you change for the better.

**Ellie**

"Is he okay?" I wrung my hands as my mom picked Brayden up and placed her cheek against his.

"He doesn't have a fever. Did you burp him?"

I shook my head silently. How could I be so stupid? Burping would seem like naturally the first thing to do. Why didn't I think of it?

"Well, he burped but I guess that wasn't it. Maybe it's gas."

"Gas?"

"Sometimes it takes awhile to pass."

"I wish he'd stop crying. He's scaring me." I bit my lip, trying to stop the tears from falling down my face. It's so hard, though, to see him like this.

"You did check his diaper, didn't you?"

"Diaper?" I repeated lamely.

"Ellie! He probably wants his diaper changed."

I flinched at her tone of voice. As if I was stupid for not thinking of that first. Which, to be honest, is probably true. How could I not even _think_ that maybe he needed to be changed? Isn't that the first response, usually? I silently followed my mom into the nursery and watched as she placed Brayden down on his changing table.

She talked to him in a hushed voice as she unbuttoned his outfit and pulled it up to reveal his diaper. "Do you want a new diaper? A fresh one? You _poor_ thing..."

I bit my lip hard and blinked quickly. Did she have to use that tone of voice? That tone that says she knows everything, and I'm just an idiot? The same tone of voice she's used on me since I became a teenager?

"Ellie, can you hand me a diaper, please?"

Suddenly I was back to the mind-numbing scared-as-hell phase. Did I even trust myself enough to hand my mom a diaper? What if something happened to Brayden in the middle of our interaction. What if he rolled off the table? What if he-...

"Ellie!"

I snapped back to reality and faced my mom. "Sorry?"

"Ellie, I want you to change his diaper."

Change his diaper? _Change his diaper?_ What if he _did_ roll off the table? Do I even remember how to change a diaper? I felt my mom's hands on my shoulders, pushing me towards the table.

"You're going to do fine. I'm right here. I'll help you. I'm right here, sweetie."

She kept a hand on my back as I reached forward to start taking off Brayden's current- most likely dirty- diaper. My fingers trembled slightly, but I was starting to breathe easier. My mom murmured words of encouragement along the way, making me feel a million times better.

"Oh, _pee-uw!_ Brayden!" I quickly threw away the diaper.

"Now take some wipes and clean him up. Yes, just like that. Rub a little baby powder on your hands... yes, just like that. Good! Now just put a new diaper on him. Oops, that's backwards! That's better. Okay, great! You changed your first diaper!"

I stepped back, slightly exhilarated at the big step I had just taken. I just changed my first diaper! Brayden kicked his legs a little and blew spit bubbles.

"See, he stopped crying. Now how about you pick him up and we can take him back in the living room. Grandma wants to visit with her grandson!"

I cradled Brayden against my chest, making sure to pay special attention to supporting his head. He gurgled and made noises as he tugged on my hair with his tiny fists. "I can't believe I froze like that. I should have known it was his diaper."

"Don't beat yourself up over it. You're new at this. Pretty soon, you're going to know what every single cry of his means."

"Really?"

"Yep. Now, when's the last time he's had a bottle?"

I glanced at the clock. "It's been a few hours."

My mom stood up from the couch and headed towards the kitchen. "I'll get him a bottle. You relax."

I was grateful for my mom's company. I don't know what I would have done without her tonight. I guess I actually do need her guidance more than I want to let on. I watched silently as she" expertly prepared a bottle for Brayden. Was it this easy for her when she had me?

"You make it look so easy," I commented as she handed me the bottle.

"Well," she gave me a knowing look. "I've had practice."

"Yeah... was it hard?" For the first time in years, I was feeling the urge to know my mother better.

She let out a peal of laughter, startling Brayden, and slightly tugged at the pearl earring in her ear- her usual nervous gesture. "What's with all the questions?"

"Just... I was just wondering."

"It was hard. I was young, too. I didn't have all the answers."

"How'd you get them?"

"Your grandmother. Practice. Mistakes. There's not a book out there that tells you how to be the perfect mother. It's just something you have to experience and learn from. It's a never ending job."

"I think I'm starting to see that. I just wish I could have been the mother Brayden deserves from the very beginning."

I slightly flinched as my mom's fingers caressed my bangs off of my forehead affectionately. "That doesn't matter, sweetie. What matters is _now_. Look at how much he loves you."

I glanced down at the sleeping baby nestled in my arms, the bottle abandoned in my lap. His tiny fingers were curled into fists and his lips were slightly pursed. His breathing was soft and even, and his chest rose gently. Everything about him was so... graceful. Fragile. Perfect.

"You think he knows me?"

"Of course. You're his mommy. That bond is stronger than anything."

A smile slowly crept across my face at the thought of Brayden knowing that I, Ellie Nash, am his mommy. That when he cries he knows that I will be the one to comfort him. That I am the one who will teach him how to play the piano or to draw. And that every smile he gives is essentially made for my sake.

**Sean**

I slammed my cards down on the table. "Full house, bitches."

"You're fucking kidding me!" Jay laid his head on the table and groaned. "That's like the fifth hand you've won. Are you stacking the deck somehow?"

"Nah, I got skills."

Craig spewed his beer everywhere and laughed. "Yeah, skills, alright..."

"Whatever. What time is it, man?"

"Why? Is it almost time for Seany's bedtime?" Jay teased.

"Maybe. What's it to you?" I finished off my beer and stretched my arms above my head. "Yeah, I'm definitely finished here."

"Dude, you finally get a free night, and you're packing it in early."

"Yeah, seriously, Sean. Take advantage of this," Craig jumped in.

"Hey, I have a family to go home to. That's kind of a big deal," I explained.

"Oh, boo fucking hoo. She'salready got her leash back on you. Face it, you're whipped."

"I'm _not _whipped. I'm responsible. There's a difference."

"Sean Cameron. Responsible. Ha!"

"Man, give him a break. He's right. He's got a little family," Craig stood up for my sake.

I threw him a grateful look. Jay just doesn't understand. He's still convinced that I can just party whenever I want to without having to think about my _son_. And it seems that no matter how many times I tell him different, he doesn't listen.

"Cameron, I still don't understand how you got here."

"Here?"

Jay shrugged in his drunken state. "Strapped with a kid. Here."

I laughed. "Well, let's see. There's this little thing called sex. And sometimes it can go very wrong. And then there are consequences." I was aware that my words were coming out slurred, but I didn't have the patience to concentrate harder on what I was saying.

"If I were you, I would have denied having any part in making that kid."

And he really would have if he were me. But that's where Jay and I are different. He still has growing up to do. He still has to discover his morals and values.

"Are you fucking serious?" Craig was surprised by this proclamation. "Do you have any idea how wrong that is?"

"Dude, it was hypocritical."

"The word you're looking for is hypothetical." Craig was the most sober out of all of us. I think he was intentionally taking it easy tonight.

"Hypothetical. Whatever. The point is no girl is ever going to strap me down."

"Oh really? Not even _Lexi_?" I couldn't stop myself from getting that dig in. If anybody's whipped, it's Jay. Alex practically controls his every thought and move.

"Lexi? Whatever. She has no hold on me."

Craig and I shared a glance.

"Well, I seriously have to get going."

"Fine. Fine. Alex'll pick me up."

"Cool."

I struggled slightly to get up out of my chair. The room swayed a little, but not enough to really affect me.

"You okay?" Craig looked at me. "How about I drive you home?"

"I should be fine."

"No, I really want to drive you home."

I was about to protest again, but I remembered Ellie's request that I didn't drive drunk. "Okay."

Five minutes later, Craig was at the wheel as I slumped down in my seat. I blinked my eyes a few times to focus on the road ahead of me but wasn't having too much luck.

"Sometimes I don't understand Jay." Craig broke the silence.

"He's just scared that he'll fuck up some kid the same way his father fucked him up."

"Yeah, well, I didn't grow up with the best dad either, but I still don't act the way he does." His grip tightened on the steering wheel. "I really admire you, you know?"

I didn't know what to say. Was that the beer talking? Was Craig just getting overly emotional on me because of the alcohol level in his system?

"I'm jealous of you, actually."

No, he wasn't drunk. He looked over at me at a stop light.

"Seriously. You've got Ellie and a kid. You guys are doing alright. Do you realize that my own kid would have been almost one by now?"

I didn't know exactly what to say. What do you say to something like that? _Sorry your ex-girlfriend aborted your kid? _Somehow that didn't sound like the best response. Instead, I opted not to say anything.

"Awkward. Sorry. It's just I look at you and Ellie and I wonder if that's how I could have been. I wonder what type of father I could have been if I'd been given the chance."

Suddenly I was aware that this was probably the first time Craig had ever told anyone how he felt about the whole situation. But I guess that's the kind of friendship we used to have. We told each other things that we couldn't tell anybody else.

"I wish she would have just given me the fucking chance to have something of my own, you know? How come Ellie was able to do it? She didn't go and get an abortion. How come Manny couldn't? Goddammit, would it have been that hard for her to not be selfish for one second?"

"Man, you're pissed, but don't pin it all down on Manny. She was fourteen!" I finally found my voice. Too bad Craig wasn't going to like what I had to say. "I mean, you weren't in her position. And I honestly don't know how Ellie did it. She's amazing. But Manny's situation was different."

He didn't say anything for awhile. Finally he shook his head and laughed bitterly. "You're right. Here I am bitching and moaning about how Manny got rid of my kid, but she's the one who has to live with that decision, you know? I wonder... I wonder if she ever regrets it? I mean, I wonder if she was scared. And if it hurt. And if she ever thinks about our kid. Is that weird?"

"Nah," I yawned and burped loudly in the car, relieving some of the tension. We both laughed. "Two points for that one."

Craig pulled alongside the street and stopped the car in front of my apartment building. "You really are lucky, though. You know?"

"I guess."

"No, you are. I mean... Ellie's great. And I can tell that you're really happy with her."

"I am."

"Have you ever thought about ten years from now? Will you still be with her?"

I hesitated. Had I? No. I mean... Had I _really _thought about it? I guess I had considered it vaguely. I guess I always thought that it would be cool if we were still together. But, realistically speaking... what are the chances?

"Um, I don't know," I answered.

Craig nodded. "Sorry. Drinking makes me... deep. Or something like that."

"Yeah... Well... I'll see you later. Thanks for the ride."

"No problem."

I stumbled a little as I walked up the stairs to our door. I could hear the TV softly through the door, and I smiled at the thought of Ellie waiting up for me. She usually does. I let myself in and locked the door behind me quietly.

I stopped when I entered the living room and just stared. The sight of Ellie and Brayden sleeping in a chair together was the most welcoming image I had ever seen. I immediately felt like I was _home_. And not in a physical sense, but in a more mental and emotional way.

I gently pulled Brayden from her arms and carried him into the nursery. I made my way back into the living room and ran a finger down the side of Ellie's left cheek. Her eyelids fluttered a little before opening up slowly. A lazy smile stretched across her face. "Hey," she murmured.

"Hey," I whispered back. "Ready for bed?"

"Mmmm... yeah."

"Good."

I helped her up and wrapped an arm around her as we walked into the bedroom. She turned to look at me as she started to undress. "Did you have fun?"

I only nodded in response.

"Are you drunk?"

"Buzzing."

"Who drove?"

"Craig."

"Okay."

I stepped into the bathroom and performed my nightly routine. I took two aspirin as she brushed her teeth. I grinned as she looked up at me, toothpaste in the corner of her mouth. We both looked like we had just survived a rough night.

I turned on my side in the bed and kissed the base of her neck softly, taking in the scent of her. _Home_. She ran her fingers lazily through my hair and pressed her lips to my ear. "Make love to me," she whispered, almost inaudible.

She didn't have to ask twice.

And as I held her in my arms later on, studying the way the moonlight reflected on her hair, the thought of us ten years from now didn't seem to unrealistic as it once did. In fact, it seemed the only right thing to do. It's the only thing that makes sense.

**there you go! sorry it's been taking so long, but hopefully the length makes up? tell me what you think of this chapter.**

**next chapter... i think sean and ellie are going to struggle with the seriousness of their feelings for eachother. i think they're going to step back and just observe each other doing simple everyday things... i think it'll turn out to be a good chapter**

**tell me what you think please! thanks for the lovely reviews!**


	36. Vindicated

**Chapter 36: Vindicated**

_I am selfish_

_I am wrong_

_I am right_

_I swear I'm right_

_swear I knew it all along_

_and I am flawed_

_but I am cleaning up so well_

_I am seeing in me now_

_the things you swore you saw yourself_

**Sean**

"Pears or peaches?"

I adjusted Brayden in my arms and glanced up at Ellie as she held up two jars of baby food.

"Peaches. He likes them better. Right, buddy?" I tickled his stomach with my hands and laughed as he kicked his feet and blew spit bubbles.

Ellie knelt in front of me and ran her hand softly over his head. "He loves when you do that," she murmured softly. Our eyes met and we shared a smile with each other.

"Do you want to feed him?" I offered.

She chewed on her lower lip for a moment before breaking into an even bigger smile. "Sure," she replied. "Why not?"

We walked over to the couch and took a seat next to each other. I transferred Brayden over to her, helping her place her hands behind his head for support. She took a moment to get settled in before giving a brisk nod.

"I'll hold the jar for you. Here's the spoon." I handed her the baby spoon and held the jar so she could easily reach it.

"Is this too much?"

"No. Just right."

"Really?" She seemed pleased with herself.

I kissed her on the cheek softly. "Really," I murmured in her ear.

She gave me a sly look before going back to feeding Brayden. "So what did you and the boys talk about last night?"

"_You really are lucky, though. You know?"_

"_I guess."_

"_No, you are. I mean... Ellie's great. And I can tell that you're really happy with her."_

"_I am."_

"_Have you ever thought about ten years from now? Will you still be with her?"_

My eyes turned to my feet and I gave a little grunt. "I dunno..."

Ellie gave me a suspicious look as she fed Brayden another spoonful of baby food. She didn't say anything, but I could feel her eyes burning into the side of my face. My cheeks flushed, and I took a deep breath to try and stop myself from reacting like this. Seriously, what's the big deal? So Craig mentioned the future. Like I never thought about it... Okay, well, I never _really_ thought about it.

I mean, is this it? Is this my life? Waking up in the middle of the night to check on a baby, sleeping with Ellie every night, going to school, picking Brayden up from Ellie's mom, working, doing homework... Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Will I even be able to get into college with all this pressure on me now? If I can't even get into college, I'm not going to be able to go to medical school. And then I can't be a doctor, and I'll just end up one more Cameron kid who made nothing of himself.

"Sean? Are you okay?" Ellie's concerned voice brought me back to the here and now. Forget about the future... I have too much shit to worry about _now_.

I looked over at her and just took her in. The way her unwashed red hair framed her face in soft waves... the slight wrinkle in her forehead as she looked at me... the way her lips parted slightly... the smudged eyeliner under her left eye...

I shook my head forcefully and forced out a laugh. "I'm just spacing out. Tired. You know."

"Okay," her tone told me that she didn't believe me. But she was going to let it go.

"So what were and the guys talking about again?" she asked nonchalantly.

I took a sleeping Brayden out of her arms for her and placed him in his little playpen in the living room. He didn't even open his eyes once. I stood over the playpen and look inside at his sleeping form. "Craig brought up the abortion," I told her.

"_Really_?" Ellie tucked her legs underneath her and leaned against the back of the couch.

I looked back at her and nodded. "Really," I confirmed.

"Wow... What'd he say?"

I took a seat back on the couch and turned my body so I was facing her. "Just that he wished he'd had the chance to be a dad. That sort of stuff."

"He sounds bitter."

"He is. I don't think he realized how much it hurt him until we had Brayden."

"That makes sense."

"_That makes sense..."_

"_You're the first person who's ever said that."_

I smiled at the memory of us in detention. Who knew? I never thought that I would have found her that day. I mean, yeah, I saw her in the hallways before, usually hanging out with gay Marco or gothic Ashley, and Emma hadn't been too fond of her during the GM foods protest, but I never thought I'd be able to connect with her like this. We have our problems like any other couple, but with her I'm willing to actually _talk_ instead of just walk away.

I've never talked about my problems before with anyone. I just wanted the world to leave me the hell alone and let me get through school and end up just like the rest of my family. And the world refused. Emma refused, Mr. Simpson refused, Mr. Ehl refused, Ellie refused... And I've always wondered why. Why? Why do they care about me and _my _future? But I guess it's just something people do. We care about other people. And we butt into their lives even when they don't want us there.

I was given every opportunity to just leave Ellie. I could have turned my back on her. Shit, I almost did. I could have put Brayden up for adoption, I could have skipped town, and I could have never looked back. I'll admit- I thought about it. I chalked it up to lack of sleep, but I know I seriously considered it. It would have been so much easier that way. I could be a kid again.

But then I would always wonder if my son was out there. Was he alive or dead? Was he in school or was he taking after his dad? Does he like cars? Does he like rap music?

And I would spend me entire life worrying about Ellie. Was _she_ alive? I can't even count how many nightmares I've had about Ellie committing... I don't even want to think about it. Would she be strong enough without me?

And that's so _wrong_ to think. As if I'm her _life_ or something. As if I'm the only thing keeping her hanging on. Because that's not true. She has so much to live for. I'm just another guy in her life. But if I had left, I would have been just another guy who had left her. I couldn't do that. I couldn't be that guy. I couldn't spend my life wondering what she was doing at that exact moment and if she was married and if she still had her long hair or if she still wore the same perfume...

She's flipping through a magazine now, chewing on her lip. And I'm just sitting here staring at her. She had choices, too. She didn't have to have Brayden. She didn't have to keep him. She didn't have to stay with me.

"Did you ever think about abortion?" I asked, out of the blue.

She stopped reading and her eyes looked up, staring at the wall opposite us. She looked back at her magazine. "Would you hate me if I said yes?"

I thought about it. The answer was obvious. "No." I took the magazine from her hands and threw it back on the coffee table.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you think about it? Why didn't you do it? I dunno... just why?"

Ellie crossed her arms uncomfortably and shrugged. "I felt like I was too young. But I- I just couldn't. I was walking to the clinic. And I just... I just walked right past it. So, I thought about it. I just couldn't do it," she confessed.

Where would I be now if she had walked into that clinic like Manny had? Would I be bitter like Craig? Would I be happier? Would I be out partying at the ravine with Jay right now? Would Ellie and I even be together still?

I wouldn't be bitter, and I wouldn't be happier. Because I never would have known. I'm sure of that. Ellie wouldn't have told me. That's just how she is. She would have lived with it forever without telling anybody. The thought of her carrying around a secret like that made my head hurt. I know what happens when Ellie carries around something...

"You want some coffee? I definitely want some coffee!" Ellie jumped off of the couch and started to head towards the kitchen, but I grabbed her hand, pulling her back into my lap.

"I'm glad." I kissed her hand softly and looked into her eyes. "It would've been wrong."

She rolled her eyes and took her hand away. "You know how I feel about this issue. I didn't not do it to make some sort of political statement, _Sean_..."

I focused on kissing her neck instead. "I wasn't talking about you making some sort of political statement, _Ellie_..."

She looked at me, confused. I kissed her neck again slowly. "I meant it would have been wrong because it wouldn't be like this. We'd just be us. We wouldn't be _us_. You know?"

She smiled. "I think I do."

"I like this. How we are now. A family."

"A family," she repeated.

"I never felt like I had a family. My parents shipped me off and my brother was too busy."

"My parents were always gone."

I wanted to tell her more. I wanted to tell her just how much she meant to me, but I couldn't. I'm not some loser who talks about his deep feelings like this. I don't write poetry or songs to my girlfriends. If I did that? My reputation would be completely ruined. I wouldn't be hard-ass Sean anymore. I'd be- I'd be... _Craig_.

"You look awful deep right now."

I shook the image of writing love songs and singing them in the gym out of my head and focused my attention back to the feisty redhead on my lap. "Me? Deep? Nah."

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking," she joked, laughing a little.

"Hey!" I threw her down on the couch and straddled her, digging my fingers into her most ticklish spots.

"Stop! Sean! _Stop!_" She giggled, wheezing as she tried to push me off of her. "You're going to wake up Brayden!"

I widened my eyes and fell lightly on top of her. "I wouldn't want to do that," I whispered against her cheek. She shivered a little and ran a hand through my hair. I nipped at her neck and kissed her on her nose.

"Confession?" She asked quietly, running her hands up my sides.

"Mmm?" I responded, half paying attention, half pre-occupied with her soft ears.

"I'm really happy."

I pulled my face up from her neck and looked at her. She met my eyes before quickly averting them. I framed her face with my hands and forced her to look at me. "Hey... look at me. I'm happy, too."

She smiled and pulled me down for a kiss. I kissed her back deeply and held her closer to me. She crept her hands underneath my shirt and dug her nails lightly into my back and chest, crushing her lips against mine. We both knew where this was leading.

"Do you- do you want to go into the bedroom?" I moaned against her lips. Hey, I was taking full advantage of this moment.

"Uh-huh," she answered. "Come on."

I led her into the bedroom, kissing her neck and picking her up off of the floor. "You know what I'm going to do to you?"

She giggled and wrapped her arms around my neck tighter. "What?"

"You'll see..."

She smirked and kicked the bedroom door shut with her foot as we entered. I placed her on the bed and knelt in front of it, burying my head into her stomach. I slid my hands up her sides, slipping off her henley shirt over her head. I trailed kisses up her stomach as I worked on the drawstring to her pajama pants.

"Sean?"

"Hmm?" I kissed her along her ribcage.

"The baby."

"Huh?" I continued to kiss her, not really hearing what she was saying.

"The baby. He's crying."

"What?" I groaned, getting to my feet.

Sure enough, Brayden's cries were piercing the ear. Ellie leaned back on her elbows and grinned at me from the bed, half naked. I shuffled my feet over to the door and opened it up, looking back at Ellie one more time. She shook her head in amusement and fell completely on her back, giving me a _look_.

"Just wait until tonight when he's asleep."

"Can't wait."

I rolled my eyes and headed over to the playpen. Brayden looked up at me, a smile on his face. His cheeks were still a little damp, but other than that, there was no sign of his crying. I gave him a mock glare and picked him up. "Did you ruin my moment with mommy on purpose?"

He kicked his feet in response.

"Yeah... that's what I thought..."

* * *

I glanced up at the clock and threw my magazine on the floor. "It's bath time."

Ellie glanced at me over her laptop and raised an eyebrow. "Are you implying something...?"

I laughed and ruffled her hair. "You have a dirty mind."

"I prefer kinky," she grinned wickedly.

"Anyway," I wrapped an arm around her waist and buried my head into her shoulder. "I was talking about Brayden. It's almost his bedtime. He needs a bath. Wanna help?"

She didn't respond for awhile, instead continuing to play that stupid Snoods game she's always playing online. Finally, she exited the game and set her laptop back on the coffee table. She looked down at me and shrugged my head off of her shoulder before getting up. "Well, are we going to do this or not?"

I stood up and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Yeah, let's do it."

"So this won't hurt his eyes, right?"

"Nope. He'll be fine."

"Okay, good."

"Well, don't _try_ and get it in his eyes..."

"Har har," Ellie laughed sarcastically. Her right hand shook a little as she poured the cup of water over Brayden's head, blocking off his eyes with her other hand.

"Good. Now here's his washcloth. I'll hold him while you wash him off."

"This doesn't irritate his skin, does it? Because I noticed a rash last night..."

"Ellie, it's _fine_. Don't worry."

"Okay. Sorry."

I stopped myself from chuckling as she took extra care washing Brayden. She's so worried she's doing everything wrong, but she's doing everything right. I held the towel out as she picked him up, dripping wet, and placed him in the towel. I wrapped him up and handed him back to her to hold. I've given Brayden plenty of baths before... this time it's Ellie's moment. She made cooing noises at him as he squirmed a little before settling down.

"He always puts up a fight at first. He'll be getting tired soon so we can put him in bed."

"You're a good father, you know that?"

I didn't bother hiding my surprise. She returned my look with complete seriousness.

I blushed and shuffled my feet a little. "Well, yeah, I know that."

"Do you _really_ know that?"

I thought about all the nights I had watched Brayden in the NICU, bathed him, fed him, put him down for his naps... "Of course I know that."

She didn't say anything else about it.

"Do you, like, read him a bedtime story or anything first?"

"I don't think he understands bedtime stories yet. He likes his mobile."

Ellie whipped her head to look back at me as we walked to the nursery and smirked at me. "I _told_ you he'd like the mobile. Tchaikovsky is music for all ages."

"Yeah, whatever. You were right, as always. Just don't blame me when Brayden grows up to be gay..." All of a sudden, that comment didn't sound as funny as I thought. "Wait... Brayden's not gonna turn out _gay_ is he? I mean, is he going to be a fa-..."

"_Sean_!" Ellie turned around sharply and raised an eyebrow. "Listening to Tchaikovsky is _not_ going to turn Brayden gay."

"How do we know _Marco_ didn't listen to classical music as a baby?"

"Plenty of mothers let their babies listen to classical music."

"Yeah, and they're kids probably all turn out to be gay."

"Music can't turn someone gay, Sean."

"How do _you_ know?"

"Because I know all things, remember?"

I slumped against the nursery wall, exhausted, and gave her a weary look as she placed Brayden in the crib. "I forgot about that." Suddenly, I was the worried parent.

She laughed when she saw my face and held it in her hands. "Look at you. Sean, Brayden will be fine. I promise."

"He's starting football as soon as he's old enough."

Ellie took my hand and led me out of the room. "You know, sometimes football players have to take ballet."

I shook the disgusting image out of my head. "Fine, basketball."

"But then he might want to do cheerleading instead after seeing just how much fun it looks."

I blanched and tightened my hold on her hand. "Wrestling. Definitely wrestling."

"Oh, yeah. Marco loves to look at the wrestlers in their _tight_ uniforms. Shows everything in all the right places..."

I released her hand and pushed her gently against a wall. "Are you _trying_ to make me sick?"

She wrapped her arms around my neck coyly. "Is it working?"

I took in the feeling of her arms around my neck and the look in her eyes. "Mm," I bent my head down and rubbed my face into her neck. "Not anymore."

"So... what did you say you were going to do with me now?"

"You'll see..." I picked her up and ran carrying her into the bedroom. She laughed and urged me to put her down. I tossed her onto the bed and jumped on top of her, covering her face and neck with sloppy kisses. She returned the kisses eagerly and pulled me closer to her.

Suddenly, the best idea hit me.

"_Hockey_!"

She pulled away, her eyes droopy. "What?"

"Hockey. Brayden will play hockey. It's a manly sport."

"That's good..." she pulled me down for another kiss. "Except..."

"What? Throw it at me. There's nothing gay with hockey..."

"Dylan plays hockey."

I collapsed onto the bed next to her and stared at the ceiling. "I give up."

She rolled over and straddled me, pinning my arms above my head. "Well... I don't."

* * *

I rolled over and pressed my face into the pillow. Light from the sun was creeping into the room through the room and it was _blinding_. I groaned as the covers were pulled off of me and a hand came down on my bare butt.

"Ow," I groaned into the pillow.

"Wake up! I made you breakfast."

I let out another groan.

"Get up, funny man. Look!"

I rolled over and stretched my arms above my head and squinted at Ellie. Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail and something white and powdery spotted her forehead and cheek. In other words, she looked beautiful.

I pulled the covers up over me and sat up in bed. She placed the tray on my lap and sat next to me expectantly. I glanced over the tray and smiled. It actually looked pretty decent. Pancakes and scrambled eggs. "How long did it take you to make this?"

"Oh, not too long," she blew it off.

"How long?"

"An hour."

I smiled and picked up my fork. "Well, it looks great." I leaned over and kissed her tenderly on the nose.

"Seriously?" She looked proud of herself. The thought of her feeling that proud of herself for the first time in a _long_ time widened my smile.

"Yeah. See?" I shoved a fork full of eggs in my mouth to emphasize my point. Big mistake. Big. I fought back the urge to spew everywhere as I chewed on the watery, _salty_ mess. "Mmmm... How much salt did you put on these?"

She shrugged and played with the ends of her ponytail. "I don't know. A few shakes."

_Sure_. I felt like I was guzzling down saltwater. I managed to swallow the eggs and sighed. Maybe the pancakes would be better. They _looked_ good- a nice golden brown with a few blueberries. I tore off a bite with my fork and carefully brought it to my mouth. I forced a smile on my face as I chewed on the not-quite-done pancake. The taste of batter filled my mouth as I kept chewing. There was no way I could pretend for an entire plate. I set my fork down and cleared my throat.

"Truth?" I asked.

Ellie looked up and shrugged. "Truth."

"Your breakfast sucks."

I could tell she wasn't prepared for that. Her eyes widened and her mouth formed a perfect "o". The sight of her brought back memories of my first pet when I was a child- a goldfish named Henry. Her mouth quivered, and I braced myself for it. Either she was going to burst into tears or she was going to scream at me for being so _inconsiderate_.

Instead, she burst into a fit of giggles. "Is- is it _that_ bad?" She choked out in between laughs.

I sighed and gave her a look. "It's that bad."

She fell over onto the bed laughing. "At least your honest. Oh well. I tried. It looked good."

"Yeah, it _looked_ good, but it tasted like shit. Here, try some."

She squealed and pushed away my hand that held out a fork. "No way!"

"You should definitely try some."

"Get it away from me! Get it- Sean! Get it away!" She kicked at me, and I threw the fork back on the tray, sliding out from underneath the covers to roll on top of her. The tray fell off the bed in the process, crashing onto the floor. I expected her to freak out- to jump off the bed and clean it up. Because that's what she would have done before.

I paused and looked at her, my eyebrows raised. She raised her eyebrows in response. "What are you looking at?"

"Are you going to clean that up?"

She tossed her hair out of her face and sighed. "It can wait."

I brought my lips down to her ear. "We have about twenty minute before Brayden wakes up. What do you want to do?" I pulled away from her slightly.

She smirked up at me and snaked an arm around my neck, drawing me back down to her. "Come here..." she whispered.

* * *

"Homework?"

I looked up from my notebook and nodded sullenly. "Homework," I repeated dully.

She grabbed the notebook from me and looked over it. "I hate math," she commented. "You're doing this right, though."

"I am? I thought I was doing it wrong. It's taking me forever."

She tossed the notebook back in front of me and wrapped her arms around me from behind. "Nope," she kissed me on the cheek. "You're doing fine, smarty pants."

"Ha!"

She threw herself on the couch and picked up the remote control. "It's true, you know," she said after ten minutes.

"Huh?"

"It's true. You're smart." Her eyes pierced mine.

"You're funny." I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair as I turned my attention back to my homework.

"I'm being serious. You're smart, Sean. You know that, right?"

I thought about it for a second. Ellie was always telling me I was smarter than I gave myself credit for. I never really believed her, though. Sure, I know about cars, and I can even figure out biology, but what else am I really good at? Well... I guess I do know a lot about World War II. I mean, I aced that test just last week. And even my spanish is improving. English is still a sore spot, but Ms. Kwan seemed impressed with my book choice for my next paper. She said it's "quite challenging, but definitely doable". That's a compliment, right?

"Yeah," I answered. I smiled at her. "I guess I do know that."

**Do you guys hate me? Sorry it took forever to write. Next chapter will be in Ellie's POV only. Nothing much happened in this chapter but it's going to play a big part in later chapters. **

**Honestly, there are probably only a few more chapters left to this story. I have a lot of other ideas for stories running around in my head so I'm excited to get started on those, too. Desperado is probably going to take longer to finish up just because there's a lot of unanswered business going on. But I'm making sure that all the chapters in that story from now on have significant things happening in them so it's not drawn out anymore. **

**Next chapter: Sean teaches Ellie how to cook (or tries to!), Ellie and Sean will probably face the woes of having to take your child with you somewhere simple like the grocery store (and what a hassle it can be...), and... other stuff.**

**I'm hoping I'll be able to get the new chapter up by the weekend. Cross your fingers!  
thanks for the reviews! keep them coming!  
**


	37. She's Got A Way

**Chapter 37: She's Got A Way**

_She's got a way about her_

_I don't know what it is_

_But I know that I can't live without her_

_She's got a way of pleasing_

_I don't know what it is_

_But there doesn't have to be a reason_

_anyway_

**Ellie**

"You look good."

I tucked my hair behind my ear and glanced up at Marco from my spot on the front steps of Degrassi. The sun shone in my eyes, and I shielded them with my hand. "Thanks," I replied.

He smiled and sat down next to me, placing his messenger bag in his lap. "Seriously. You look... happy. I'm proud of you."

My cheeks turned red, and I looked at my feet. "Marco..."

"Don't say anything. I just wanted to tell you that. How's Brayden?"

I looked up and nodded my head. "Good."

He ran a hand over the top of my head and kissed my forehead affectionately.

"Del Rossi, I thought you were gay?"

We both looked up at Jay and Sean as they smirked back at us. The smile didn't fade from Marco's face. "You sure are interested in my sexuality, Jason. Anything we need to know?"

Jay's face flushed and he puffed up his chest. "Whatever," he muttered and adjusted the sunglasses on top of his hat. "You ready, Nash?"

I stood and brushed off the back of my shirt. "Sure. Marco, we're going to the Dot. Wanna come?"

He hooked his arm around my neck and pulled me close. "Delighted."

Jay grimaced but unlocked the doors to his car anyway. "Fags sit bitch," he announced.

Alex flicked his head from the passenger seat. "Who's driving then?"

We all laughed at her remark except for Jay, who only mumbled something under his breath before revving his engine. The ride only lasted three minutes, and I started to wonder why we didn't just walk anyway. My thigh was pressed up against Sean's, and I smiled at the warmth he generated. Feeling suddenly self-conscious at the goofy grin spread across my face, I wiped it from my face and stared out the window, my chin in my hand.

"Are you going to get out or what?"

I looked up in surprise as Jay held the front seat down for me, waiting for me to exit the vehicle. Everyone else was already outside and talking about today's school gossip as they headed into the small restaurant. I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned forward to step out of the car, careful not to bump my head.

Jay locked the car up, and we walked towards the Dot together. He cleared his throat, and I looked up at him, expecting him to say something.

"What?" he snapped irritably.

"Nothing," I shrugged, slightly annoyed at his tone. He'd been acting weird towards me ever since I'd given birth.

"So, uh..."

"I thought you didn't have anything to say?" I mused.

"Shut up, Nash, or I'm not saying it."

I held my hands up in mock surrender. "Fine, fine. Go ahead."

"Well, uh, about that day... You wanted to watch your stupid move, and I changed the station. Maybe... I mean, then you freaked out like you usually do, but you- you know..."

He looked away sheepishly, his sunglasses hiding the look in his eyes, and I could only imagine how much he was kicking himself inside. I ducked my own head and shrugged, playing off the whole speech with nonchalance. "Well, _yeah_... I know."

"Just- maybe I shouldn't have changed the station."

I wanted to roll my eyes at how stupid he sounded, as if him changing the station really caused me to go into premature labor, but I could tell it was taking a lot out of him to even talk about it. Still, I didn't want him to beat himself up over this. "Jay, you know, you really didn't do-..."

"Nash, just shut up. Can't you just be happy that I actually apo- whatever."

Sean was waiting by the door to the Dot. "You girls coming or what?"

I smiled as Jay reached an arm around his neck and pulled him down for a quick noogie, resulting in Sean pulling a quick wrestling move and mock glaring as he straightened out his hair.

"Man, come on. I'm _starving_."

Jay stormed through the doorway, yelling above the noise for Alex to get him some nachos and a hamburger. I smirked as Alex blatantly ignored him and went on to listen to Marco's story about his encounter with Mr. Radditch.

"What were you guys talking about?" Sean's arm snaked around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. I welcomed the action and snuggled into his side as we strolled to the booth.

"Um... Nothing. We weren't talking about anything," I smiled sweetly as he lifted an eyebrow and gave a small laugh.

"Sure..." Sean mused, letting me know he didn't believe me as he tightened the arm around my neck and pulled me close for a quick show of public affection.

"Kwan's on my ass about some stupid book report I never turned in. I told her I don't read. The bitch doesn't get it!" Jay complained as Sean and I sat down.

Alex rolled her eyes. "My boyfriend, the charmer," she drawled. I hid a smile behind my hand as Sean snorted.

"It's dumb anyway. She says I won't pass if I don't do it. Whatever. We'll see."

"Jay, you're not going to get held back _again_ are you?"

"Not all of us have Ellie to help us, Cameron. I don't think Alex has ever read a book in her life."

"Hey! That's not true. I read _Hop on Pop_!"

"You can hop on this pop if you want..." Jay murmured under his breath, throwing her a sly look. She threw a french fry at him but laughed anyway.

I stirred the ice in my water thoughtfully. "Why don't you just do it? I'll help you if you need it."

"You don't get it, Nash. I'm trying to prove a point."

"And what point is that exactly?"

"That reading is stupid, and Kwan can't make me do anything I don't want to. Get it?"

I wrinkled my nose. "Not really... What- it's, like, a five-page report? No big deal."

"Right, so what's the point of doing it? Right, right?" He looked around the table for consensus.

"I'm with Ellie," Marco admitted.

"If Jay doesn't want to do the stupid paper than he doesn't have to," Sean shrugged.

I threw him an angry look. "Watch it..." I warned.

He sighed. "Fine, Ellie is right. She is always right," he said in a slow, robotic voice. Everyone laughed as he pretended to be brainwashed. Everyone but me. I crossed my arms and glared at the table but stopped myself from getting nasty for everyone's sake. It's so hard though when I'm constantly being labeled as annoying for caring about other people. This is what I get when I actually reach out to someone. Grief.

I felt pressure on my thigh and looked down at Sean's hand gently squeezing my leg. I smiled secretly at his touch and decided to just forget about Jay and his problems with Ms. Kwan. Instead, I leaned my chin on a fist and informed everyone of my plans for the evening. "So, do you guys know what I'm doing tonight?"

"Ooh! What? Tell us! Tell us!" Jay joked with fake excitement.

"Knock it off," Marco shook his head and gave his attention to me. "Whatcha doing tonight?"

"Grocery shopping. Oh, and Sean's teaching me how to cook."

I heard Sean groan loudly as Alex and Jay spewed Coke all over the table. Even Marco looked a little perplexed by this announcement and squelched the small smirk off his face. I looked around innocently. "What's so funny?"

"Little Seany's going to teach you how to cook? I didn't realize Sean was such a gourmet chef," Jay chuckled, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Do you wear a hat and apron?"

"Whatever. We have to go, right Ellie?" Sean's eyes pleaded with me to leave the restaurant.

I nodded, grabbing my school bag. "Yeah, we have to pick up Brayden. Marco, call me?"

"Sure, sweets. I'll talk to you later."

We walked in silence for a block before Sean spoke up. "You didn't eat much. You didn't eat anything at all. Did you really have to go and do that?"

"Do what? Not eat or something else?" I snapped, a little angry that he had to go and bring up my eating habits without giving me any warning.

"Mention the whole cooking thing? I mean, how embarrassing. I have my pride, you know."

"Oh God. Are you seriously strung up about that? So what if you're teaching me how to cook?"

"The point is you made me look like a complete girl back there. I'm a guy. I'm not supposed to know how to cook and do laundry and everything."

I sighed, "And I'm totally emasculating you, aren't I? You know, Jay and Alex are your friends. I really don't think they care. And who cares if you know how to do that stuff? Someone had to do it back in Wasaga when your parents were too drunk to function."

He didn't say anything. We were a block from the apartment when he stuffed his hands in his pockets awkwardly and turned to me. "I think you're the only person who really understands what it was like for me back then."

I brushed the strands of hair the wind whipped forward out of my face and looked at him. "Jay and Alex understand, too."

"No," he shook his head. "They really don't. They think it's some huge party to have parents who don't give a shit. They think it's fun for me to be on my own. You understand. Only you."

I cleared my throat and looked away, uncomfortable.

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Turn yourself off. You're doing it. You're putting up a wall, and we can't do that anymore. Why won't you let me tell you how much I love you?"

I laughed shortly. "All my life I just wanted to feel loved, wanted, needed. I wanted to just feel something from somebody, and for awhile I thought I'd never feel anything again. I was _determined_ to never feel again. Look what you've done to me." I looked back up at him, tears shining in my eyes as I smiled. "You've turned me into the biggest moron in the world."

His lips crashed into mine, almost knocking me over on the sidewalk. I leaned forward into the kiss and gripped small handfuls of his shirt, determined to show him all the things that I never could find enough words to say.

* * *

"Should we take the carrier in?"

"Sure."

"Well, what if I just carry him myself? Should we just do that? I mean, otherwise we have to put the carrier in the cart, and I don't know if I really trust that because someone could just hit our cart accidentally and hurt him."

"Or you could accidentally trip and drop Brayden..."

"Right, so I should bring in the carrier. It's probably safer. I should have brought a stroller. Why didn't we bring a stroller? That would be a lot easier, you know?"

"Sure. Can we just go in?"

"We should get you one of those pouches so you can carry Brayden on your chest. What are they called?"

"I am _not_ wearing a baby. I might teach you how to cook but I will never wear a baby on my chest, got it?"

"All the dads are doing it."

"Well, I'm a _cool_ one. That sounds like something _Marco_ would do. Can we just grab him and go. Seriously."

I pulled Brayden's carrier out of the seat and threw an exasperated look at Sean. "I'm coming, I'm coming."

"You shouldn't worry about this stuff so much. You're going to stress yourself out."

"Don't you think I _know_ that? I can't really help it."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... Look at Bray- _he's_ even laughing at you."

I stopped walking and pursed my lips. "You know, you could be a little more sensitive to the fact that I have anxiety problems."

Sean kissed me on the side of the head and smirked. "I am. I find it a little adorable... in an annoying way."

"Not funny. Okay, grab a cart." I lifted the baby carrier and set it gently in the cart, careful not to disturb Brayden too much. On second thought... "I think I will just carry him."

Sean grabbed the cart from me and shot me a menacing look. "Listen, Nash, we're going to make this easy. No drama, okay? Brayden's staying in the cart, and you're keeping your hands where I can see them. Unless you, uh, want to put them-..."

"Sean," I interrupted. "So not in the mood for sexual banter. Not in the mood for sexual _anything_ today."

His face fell, but he trudged along anyway as we made our way through the aisles, occasionally asking me if I was for real. Yes, Sean, I was for real.

"So, wait, what am I learning to make again?"

"Lasagna. Salad. Bread. Chocolate pudding."

"Chocolate pudding?" I wrinkled my nose. "I don't remember you mentioning that last night."

He glanced at me sideways. "Well, yeah, cause I just got the craving," he explained as he reached forward and grabbed a small box of instant pudding and placed it in the cart. I laughed and ran my fingernails through his hair affectionately.

"Okay, we can have pudding."

"So, we need some lasagna noodles, ricotta cheese, mozzarella cheese, spinach, red peppers, mushrooms, garlic, tomatoes, onion, and basil..." he muttered under his breath, going down the small list he had scratched out during class, as he searched through the shelves.

"Can we put some broccoli in it?"

"Yeah, sure." He walked off towards another aisle, leaving me with the cart.

"Okay, well, I'll just grab the veggies real quick, okay?" I started to walk off, too, just reaching the broccoli before my name rang out in the store.

"Ellie!"

I spun around, my eyebrows furrowed. "What?"

He gestured towards the cart I had left alone... with a sleeping Brayden inside.

My hand covered my mouth, and I felt like throwing up in the middle of the store. I rushed back to the cart and Sean. "Ohmigod... Ohmigod... I can't believe I just left him..." I whispered, looking around to see if anyone had been witness to my lack of good maternal skills, or whatever.

Sean laughed, "Smooth. Real smooth, Nash."

"It's really not funny," I murmured, thinking about what could have happened if Sean hadn't turned around and seen me walking away from the cart. "He could have been kidnapped or hurt or-..."

"He's fine. Don't worry about this, okay?" Sean took hold of one of my hands and caressed it lightly, comforting me. I sniffled and fought back the tears. He was right, nothing bad happened. I made a mistake.

"Come on, let's just hurry and get out of here." I took hold of the cart and wheeled it over to the vegetable section. "Hand me some broccoli," I ordered as I snapped open a plastic bag.

"Broccoli."

"Spinach."

"Spinach."

"'Shrooms."

"'Shroo-..." Sean gave me a weird look as he handed me a few mushrooms.

"What?"

"Nothing," he shrugged, but I saw him smile as he turned back towards the vegetables.

"What?" I pleaded, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my cheek against his back. "Tell me."

"Hey, didn't I say watch those hands?" His voice was low and husky.

I giggled softly and unraveled my arms from around him. "Come on, what else do we need."

"Hold on, hold on. I still have to get..." He grabbed a few peppers, some cloves of garlic, and an onion. "There. Now we need... cheese. We need cheese."

I yawned and rubbed my eye sleepily. "I need a nap..."

"Oh no. You're not putting this off. You're learning tonight."

"Why can't we just get that lasagna that goes in the oven?" I whined as we headed towards the dairy department.

"Because this is way better than that stuff. And it's my favorite. So you can make it for me from now on," Sean explained nonchalantly.

"From now on? What's that mean?"

"Just- in the future, you know?"

I bent my head and focused on my nails. "Oh," I replied. "In the future." As if it were the most casual statement in the world. As if it didn't imply that we would be together, that we _wanted_ to be together, for a lot longer than just right now. Sean was making future plans for us. I kind of liked that.

* * *

I dried my hands off on the dishtowel, placed them on my hips, and investigated the scene. "What now?"

Sean looked over at me and rolled his eyes. "You just stand there and watch me do all the work. Come over here."

I slowly made my way over to the counter and leaned against it, hoping he really would just let me off the hook. He handed me a knife and a red pepper.

"Chop. Watch your fingers."

I chopped the pepper up into small cubes and placed them in a bowl like Sean instructed me to. Slowly we made our way through preparing the ingredients, making small talk about our days. I told him about my latest art project, and he told me about auto project. He admitted he had an exam coming up, and I admitted I had a session with Dr. Brahm the next day.

"I can come with you if you want."

I shook my head. "It's okay. We'll probably just talk about..." My voice trailed off as I inspected the nutritional facts for the pasta, trying to figure out exactly how many calories I'd be consuming in this one meal.

Sean grabbed the package out of my hands and opened it. He didn't say anything but I knew he was thinking about me and my progress. I took a seat on one of the bar stools and cradles my face in my hands.

"I'm fine, you know," I pointed out.

He glanced back at me. "You sound almost convinced."

"Pardon me?" My voice rising and the walls already starting to rise again.

"You don't just go to a few counseling sessions and magically cure yourself. It takes awhile. You're still looking at food as if it's a calorie number instead of actual food. Until you stop doing that, I'm going to be worried."

I didn't know what to say to him. True, I had made amazing progress, and funny enough my pregnancy had helped me more than I expected, but I was still recovering. I was still looking at myself a little too long in the mirror, still worrying about how many calories and grams of fat were in everything...

"Where did you learn to cook?" I asked, curious as to Sean's sudden hobby.

He shrugged, his face turning a little red. "I don't know. My parents were too busy... someone had to do it."

"It's just weird that you never cooked for me before when we first started dating. It was a constant pizza party."

"Yeah, well, I guess I just picked it up again... You know, learning to cook your own meals is good for someone with an eating disorder. You learn to trust the food because you're the one making it instead of some stranger. You can always take a cooking class or watch one of those shows on TV..."

I got up from my seat and stood next to Sean, leaning against the counter and staring at him as he furiously stirred the mixed vegetables in some olive oil. A small smile came to my mouth as his face started to turn an interesting shade of red. He was embarrassed. I looked at the bowl he was mixing the ingredients in and lifted a shoulder, trying to appear nonchalant. "So, you just picked cooking up again..."

"Well, someone had to teach _you_..." he responded, his voice rough.

"And now I can cook for myself now that you've taught me?"

He wouldn't meet my eyes. "Something like that."

"I love you."

He stopped stirring and grinned at me.

I pushed him aside. "Now, are you going to teach me how to cook or what?"

"Fine," he laughed, standing behind me and leaning a little against my back as he instructed the process into my ear.

"Mmm. I just _love_ the way you say _ricotta_," I teased.

* * *

"Brayden finally calmed down," I announced as I crawled into bed. Sean lifted his head off the pillow and grunted.

"'Bout time. I'm exhausted."

"From what? Cooking? Watching TV? What exactly tired you out?" I joked as I opened my _Harry Potter_ book and started to read.

"All of the above. You're _exhausting_."

I glared at him sideways. "Nice."

He wiggled closer to me and rested his head on my lap. "I meant that in a good way."

"Uh-huh, _right_..."

"Go back to reading your witch book."

I rolled my eyes. "For your information, Harry Potter is a-..."

Sean shot up and grabbed the book from my hands, holding it out of my reach. "Okay, okay, just please don't go into one of your long lectures on the importance of literature or whatever you're ready to whine about now."

"I do _not_ lecture. I teach others about what I know from-..."

He silenced me with a rough kiss on the mouth, his lips crushing mine as he pressed all of his weight in it. Just as I was deepening the kiss, he pulled away.

"What- what was that for?" I asked, my head a little foggy.

"To shut you up. Sometimes you don't know when to stop."

I folded my arms across my chest and arched an eyebrow. "Oh?"

He mimicked my movements. "Oh?"

I screwed my mouth up, trying not to laugh at his impression of me, but I couldn't help it. I let out a peal of laughter and pulled him closer to me. "Come here,"I beckoned, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

He nestled next to my side as I found my place in my book again and started to read.

"Who's your favorite?" Sean whispered, his eyes still closed.

I looked towards the ceiling and shook my head in amusement. "Hermione," I whispered back.

"Figures you'd like the brainy, moralizing, know-it-all."

"Wow, someone sure knows a lot about _Harry Potter_..." I responded drily.

He rested an arm across my stomach and kissed me through my tank top. "Jay had to take his little sister to the movie. I kept him company."

"Aw, a date. Who's _your_ favorite?"

"Those one, uh, red-head twins or triplets or whatever..."

"Yeah, like you _don't_ know their names," I muttered, my eyes sliding across the page and taking in the story.

"Well, are you going to read that thing out loud or what?"

I glanced over the top of the book and looked down at Sean's head resting on my stomach. His eyes were closed and eyebrows raised in expectance. I turned the page back to the beginning of the chapter and started to read it out loud. Minutes later, Sean's soft snores could be heard, and I smiled at the comfort the sound provided me in our little apartment.

**Sean**

I groaned as the alarm clock rang in my ear and swiped my hand out to reach it, only to grab

a handful of hair.

"Ow!"

My eyes opened, and Ellie's peered back at me. The alarm clock was in her grasp and held right next to my ear. No wonder it was giving me a splitting headache. "Why you-..." I hissed and knocked the clock out of her hand, causing the batteries to fall out of it.

"Chill, Sean. I was just trying to make sure you woke up," she explained innocently.

I buried my head deeper into my pillow and grunted. She lifted the bed sheets and gave me a quick swat on the butt before rushing out of the room. "Come on, Sean! I want to show you something."

"Come back and do that again," I called after her, a little turned on by her slightly aggressive behavior.

"Come here!"

I rolled my eyes and made a big deal of getting out of bed, muttering under my breath about the fifteen extra minutes of sleep I could be having. Tired, I stumbled into the living room and kitchen area and laughed at the site that I was met with. Two bowls of Cheerios with strawberries and bananas sat on the coffee table, a lit candle in between them- one I recognized from the outdoor picnic I had given Ellie one night. Two plates of toast were placed next to the cereal bowls. I noticed one had completely burnt toast while the other was a golden brown. I smiled at the thought of how many pieces of burnt toast were probably discarded in the trash can.

The best surprise, though, was Brayden, already up and dressed, sitting in his bouncy chair. I gave him an affectionate pat on the head, touching the few light brown hairs he possessed. I turned my head to look at Ellie, taking a seat next to the coffee table and taking a delicate sip from her juice glass.

"You really did all this?"

She gave me a look. "_All_ this? It's just a bowl of cereal and some bread."

"Well, and Brayden's all ready to go to your parents' house, and you did it all by yourself."

She smiled and bounced a little in her seat. "I guess I did."

I sat across from her and dug into my cereal. "It's good."

"Yeah, Post or General Mills or whatever is a miracle worker. I know it's not Belgian waffles or pancakes or anything-..."

"And thank God for that."

"_But_ I tried. Look how perfectly cut those strawberries are! And the toast, can you see how golden brown it is?"

I took a bite. "I see! And how many pieces of bread did you go through to get it this perfect?"

"Oh... a few. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that-..."

"Can I say something?"

She blinked, a little surprised by my interruption. "Sure. What's up?"

"Did you put any sugar on the cereal?"

"Uh, no. Is that- is that what you wanted to say?"

"Well, yeah." The disappointment in her tone made me uncomfortable. "Why? What did you think I was going to say?"

She took a small bite of her burnt toast and washed it down with juice, a disgusted look on her face. "Nothing. Ugh. Burnt toast..."

I scarfed down the rest of my breakfast and slowly started to stand up. "That was great. Well, um, I'm just going to... go... get... a shower!" I made a run for the bathroom as Ellie slammed down her juice glass and started to her feet.

"Oh no! You are _not_ getting in there before me!" She shouted. I laughed as I ran behind the couch, five feet away from the bathroom door. Just as I was turning, a foot came sliding in front of mine, causing me to collapse onto my stomach. Ellie fell next to me, her arm crashing into my back as she landed with a soft thud and an "oof!"

We looked at each other in surprise, our faces turning red before we burst into laughter. We lay there, our bodies shaking, and our laughter turning silent at our own childish behavior.

"What the hell were you trying to do?" I sputtered, tears running down my cheeks.

"You always take the hot water!" She sat up in her oversized hoodie and too long pajama pants. Her hair was carelessly thrown into a topknot on the crown of her head and pieces were coming loose. She was unshowered, undressed, and decaffeinated with dark smudges of leftover mascara and eyeliner under her eyes, but to me she was beautiful and, most importantly, _real_.

I sighed and lifted myself up from the ground. "You can have the shower first."

"No, you can. It's okay."

"No, really, you can."

"Sean, take your damn shower. You need it."

I threw her a look. "You're the one who needs a shower. Look at you." The word beautiful was repeating itself over and over in my mind.

She tossed her head and gave me a haughty look. "Pssht. Whatever. I'm so sexy you can hardly stand it."

"Mmhmm," I murmured as I landed a kiss on her pursed lips. "I won't take long."

She threw me a "yeah, right" look and started towards the coffee table to clear our breakfast dishes. I took one last look at her from the bathroom doorway. Her bun flopping around on top of her head, her tiny frame that was drowning in my old clothes, and the sound of her voice as she hummed the same song she'd been humming for the past week and a half. Everyone had always told me that love was a thing that hit you- it was something huge and powerful and worthy of a moment right out of a movie. Everyone lied. The movies lied. The stories lied. The songs lied. I've learned that it's not about the big moments like everyone assumes. It's about these moments- the ones so small you hardly recognize them. It's the way Ellie wakes me up every morning, the way we fight over who gets the first shower, the way her hand fits perfectly in mine...

Lame. Lame. Lame. Sean Cameron, you are completely lame.

I let my head fall against the shower wall in defeat.

And completely in love.

**okay, not very eventful and not sure i'm completely happy with it but i really just wanted to get the chapter out. there's only a few chapters (2-3) left in this story. Next chapter: Sean and Jay and Marco and Ellie talk about their futures.**

** The ending I originally had for this story just seems so overdone and stupid now... it's been done too many times so now I have to rework some fo the ideas I had for the story without losing too much steam. I'm really excited about starting my new story but I still want to give this story a great and worthy ending. **

** As always, I appreciate all the comments and comments/gripes/suggestions are always welcome!  
**


	38. All I Want Is You

**Chapter 38: All I Want Is You**

_You say youll give me_

_Eyes in a moon of blindness_

_A river in a time of dryness_

_A harbour in the tempest_

_But all the promises we make_

_From the cradle to the grave_

_When all I want is you_

**Marco**

"I can't believe school's almost over..." I leaned against the swing set and watched Ellie as

she gently pushed Brayden in the baby swing. We had decided that it was too nice outside today to waste and headed to the park with Brayden immediately after school.

She looked up and smiled. "I'm all sorts of happy about that. No more lab reports in chemistry... No more learning about computers..."

"No more current events in history..." I let my voice trail off.

"Okay, well, I'll miss _that_."

We laughed and were silent for a moment. I took in the sight of Ellie and her child, thinking back to the day when I first met her. We had sat next to each other in English, and I had been immediately intrigued by her comments on _Heart of Darkness_. We had chatted for a few minutes after class before going our separate ways- only to find out that we had most of our classes together and our lockers were right next to each other's. We both loved reading and shared the same interest in Edward Gory, enjoyed movies, especially foreign films, and considered U2 to be a guilty pleasure. I had never been so attracted to a girl before I met Ellie.

Too bad I had to go and break her heart.

"Marco! Are you even listening?"

I looked up, "Huh? Yeah, sure."

"What's on your mind? You looked pretty deep in thought."

I shrugged and pushed away from the swing set to stand in front of Brayden. "Us. Our friendship."

Ellie smiled. "My pathetic crush on you?"

"That too. And it wasn't pathetic... I was a stud back then."

She let out a peal of laughter, her entire face lighting up. "Oh _yeah_. What was your name again? Marco del Studly?"

"Something like that... What were you saying before?"

"Can you believe we're going to be seniors? I mean, we actually have to think about university and the future. It's crazy. Just yesterday we were hoarding candy in our lockers and sneaking out of gym class!" She shook her head in amazement. "It's gone by so fast."

I nodded in agreement. "Some of us had to grow up faster than others, too." I gestured towards her and Brayden. "I don't know if I'm ready, though, to be honest. University seems like a whole different level. I'm comfortable here... I'm class president, a member of the honor society, out... I'll have to start all over again."

"You'll be fine. You make friends so easily. Me? I'm the one who's going to have problems. Plus, I have a kid to take care of. Brayden's going to be one..." She bit her lip and looked at the ground.

"Aww," I came up and gave her a hug from behind. "Is Ellie getting emotional about her baby growing up?"

"No, you jerk!" She pushed me away and rolled her eyes.

"What about Sean?"

"What _about_ Sean?"

"Well, he's going to still be in school. What are you guys going to do?"

She stopped pushing Brayden. "I never really thought of that. He's going to be in school when I'm at university... You think it'll work?"

Brayden chose that moment to start crying, his face red and his hands balled into tiny fists. Ellie and I shared a look as she pulled him out of the swing and comforted him in a low, soothing voice. I handed her his bottle from the stroller, and she took it thankfully. He immediately calmed down as the rubber nipple met his lips. We sat down on a nearby park bench, and I marveled at the sight of Brayden drinking from the bottle, his big eyes looking around in wonder.

"I can never figure it out."

Ellie looked up in confusion. "Figure what out?"

I thought for a moment. "Life," I answered finally. "How he came from you and Sean and... It's amazing, you know? It doesn't make sense." I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees, squinting as I looked over at Ellie.

She shook her head, amused, and lifted an eyebrow. "I think that's why it's called the _miracle_ of life. I'm just glad I have you guys to help me."

"What are friends for?" I nudged her arm affectionately, and she grinned.

"Well, I think someone's getting tired. We should probably head back."

We gathered our things and started back towards Sean's apartment, Brayden tucked away in his stroller, fast asleep. I adjusted the bag on my shoulder and tried to pay attention as Ellie rambled on about a book she was reading, all the while in deep thought, my forehead wrinkled.

I couldn't stop thinking about the future of Ellie, Sean, and Brayden. What _was_ going to happen to them? Everyone always said that high-school romances never worked out. Was that actually true? I glanced over at Ellie, taking in how happy she looked. Her eyes were shining and her mouth was going a mile a minute. I can't handle seeing her hurt again.

"- And if you can actually believe it, Sean and Jay are borrowing my video camera tomorrow to make a _rap_ music video starring... Brayden. They were talking about it the other night and couldn't stop laughing. So, they've decided that they're actually going to do it. I mean, am I dating a sophomore or a fifth grader?"

"Ellie-..."

"I know. I shouldn't make fun of them so much... It _is_ kind of cute. I just can't believe Jay's going along with it."

"Ellie-..."

"Who knows what song they're picking. Probably 'Baby Got Back' or something equally as stupid..."

I sighed and shook my head in amusement. It's hard to get a word in edgewise when she's like this. Why the hell was I worrying anyway? They're going to be fine. They're going to be just fine.

"You're going to be fine," I waited until she paused to take a breath before I spoke. I looked forward, a small smile playing across my lips, and hands in pockets. I was thinking about what it could be like in the future. I could see Ellie and Sean in their apartment doing their homework as Brayden played at their feet. I could picture Sean teaching Brayden about car engines, both covered in oil and grime. In my head, it was all so perfect.

"What?"

"You're going to be fine," I repeated as I looked at her, the satisfied smile on my face. "You and Sean. You asked before if I thought you guys could make it. You can. You definitely can."

She gave me a soft smile and slipped her arm through mine. "Marco, this is why I love you."

"Why's that?"

"Because you have faith in me even when I don't."

I sniffed and pretended to wipe a tear away with my free hand. "Ellie Nash, you are going to make me _cry_."

"You are _such_ a loser!"

**Sean**

"Dude, can you hold it steady for one second?" I snapped as I tied the bandana back around

Brayden's head.

"How's he going to look like Tupac when he's rapping 50 cent?" Jay shot back, his tone bordering on whiny.

"_Because_ Tupac was the _king_. Get it?" I gritted my teeth as I sat Brayden upright in his carrier seat. We'd already been working on this music video for an hour, and Jay had officially gotten on my nerves. Between fighting over what song to use, and who was going to record the entire thing, I was starting to regret ever bringing up the music video idea.

Jay sent me a glare over the video camera. "I still don't get why he has to _look_ like him, though," he muttered.

"Well, you don't get a lot of things, Jay..." I jabbed at the play button on the cd player and waited for the opening to "In the club" to start before kneeling beside Jay and making faces at Brayden. As if on cue, he started to open and close his mouth, appearing to be talking. We watched in amazement as he looked back at us in wonder, his legs kicking and his hands opening and closing. He was even able to pull his head away from the carrier seat for a few moments before letting it rest back.

The music ended, and Brayden fell limp in his seat, a yawn escaping from his lips. Jay turned off the camera and set it down carefully on the coffee table. "That's a rap," he announced. I rolled my eyes and walked forward on my knees to unleash Brayden from his carrier. "Get it? Rap?" Jay pressed.

"Funny?" I offered.

"Man, you've been acting like a queer today."

"No, I haven't!" I gave him a strange look as I entered the small nursery.

"Whatever. When you want to start acting like my boy again, get in touch with me," he yelled from the living room.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I grumbled as I stormed into the kitchen for a beer. Jay raised his arm, and I tossed one towards him.

I took a seat in my chair and popped the cap, waiting for Jay to explain himself. I lifted an eyebrow as he took a long and slow drink before sitting back against the pillows of the couch.

"Well, where should I begin? You've been acting like a little bitch for the past two weeks... Yep. That pretty much sums it up."

"A bitch?"

"Whiney, cranky, pretty much how Alex acts when she's on the rag."

"Nice, Jay. _Real_ nice."

Jay set down his beer and leaned forward. "Dude, I'm not one to get all mushy and shit, but you know you can tell me things, right?"

I stared at the design of the throw rug on the carpet. Ellie had brought it home one day, talking about how it would complement the color of the couch and the throw pillows just perfectly. I had no idea what she was talking about and still don't; who's going to think of these things if I don't keep her around?

"What's going to happen next year when Ellie has to choose a University and what she's going to do with the rest of her life?" I asked softly, my eyes still focused on the rug. That damn rug that made me think of her every time I fucking looked at it. We've wrestled on that rug; she's painted her nails on that rug; we've made love on that rug...

Jay chuckled and took a swig of beer. "That's next year, bro. You don't have to worry about that for..."

"A few months. School's almost out Jay. Then what? Are we just going to pretend like we're some happy family until she _leaves_? What if she chooses a school outside of Toronto? What if she _meets_ someone?"

"Meets someone? She loves you, man. She's not going to just fall for some dude up at University, okay?"

"I'm not so sure. They're going to be older and smarter and more mature and actually_ know_ things. They can give her stuff, and what the hell do I have to give her?"

Jay sighed and ran a hand over this face. "This is _Ellie_. She wouldn't do that to you. You guys are perfect together."

I finally looked up and met his eyes. "You really think so?"

He blanched. "As much as it _pains_ me to say, yes, I think so."

I lifted the corner of my mouth in a small smile. "Good, because I'm... Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I'm going to ask her to-..."

The door open and slammed, and Ellie rushed in, disheveled and frantic. "Hurry, they're coming."

"Who?" I asked, at the same time annoyed and happy with her interruption.

She looked up, her big hazel eyes piercing mine. "_Them_. My _parents_."

"Shit," I hissed and grabbed both mine and Jay's beers.

"Hey!" he protested. I silenced him with a look and started to throw the dirty dishes from the day in the sink.

"They called me on the way back from Marco's telling me that they were leaving in a few minutes to come over and _chat_. Chat? Chat about what? That's what I want to know," she ranted as she picked up the living room. She threw Jay a disgusted look. "Could you possibly _help_ or is that foreign concept to you?"

"Nah, but the words foreign concept are a foreign concept to me, miss smarty pants."

"Immature," she muttered under her breath. I smiled as I watched her stumble around the room, picking up the mess Jay and I had made over the past few days. "Seriously, Sean... Would it kill you to clean up every once in awhile?"

Not even her nagging could erase the smile off my face. She was freaking out and seeing her like this, as much as it could annoy me at times, was sending a feeling throughout my stomach that I couldn't exactly pinpoint. It felt _good_. She tossed a few dishes into the soapy water in the sink and turned to walk away, but I grabbed her wrist, stopping her in her tracks.

"Sean, they're going to-..."

"Shh," I put a finger to her lips and snaked an arm around her waist, pressing her up against me. I pressed my lips against her nose softly. "Move back in," I murmured.

"What?" She stared back at me, her eyes filled with disbelief.

"Move back in. I mean it."

"Sean, I-..."

A sharp knock sounded before the front door flew open, and Ellie's mom bustled in, Mr. Nash close behind. The air immediately filled with expensive perfume and arrogance as Elisabeth Nash slid a finger across the surface of the kitchen counter and wrinkled her nose as the grime that came off. I released Ellie from my grasp and leaned back against the counter, ready for another night of arguing and insults. That was the only outcome that came from Mrs. Nash and I in the same room.

I waited for Mrs. Nash to make a comment about the condition of the apartment, but she kept her mouth shut tightly as she crossed into the living room and primly took a seat on the edge of the chair. The air was uncomfortable as we all made our way into the living room. I tried to prepare myself for whatever bombshell the Nashes were planning on throwing my way.

"Mom, Dad, I'm sure you've met Jay before...? Jay these are my parents."

"Elisabeth."

"Christian. Pleased to meet you."

The look on Jay's face was priceless as he stuttered out a greeting and shook the hand Mr. Nash had offered. "Jay Hogart."

"Hogart? I don't think we've heard-..."

"No, Mom," Ellie interjected. "You haven't. Jay is Sean's best friend. He's been staying here for awhile."

"_Here_? Where could he _possibly_ be staying? There's barely room here for-," she stopped talking suddenly and cleared her throat. "What I mean is, that's nice. Extra help for the baby and everything."

I let out the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. Suddenly, I was starting to understand how Ellie probably feels around her mom- always on edge. I felt the couch next to me shift and cool skin against mine. I glanced at my side and saw Ellie's fingers wrapped loosely around my arm. She gave it a comforting squeeze.

"Speaking of Brayden, where's the champ at?" Mr. Nash smiled and looked around the room.

"I just put him down for a nap," I answered, begging Ellie's dad with my eyes not to wake him up.

Mrs. Nash started to get up. "Well, he can stay up a little longer, right?"

My jaw clenched involuntarily but relaxed when I saw Ellie's dad took a hold of his wife's arm. "Let him sleep. We don't want him keeping Sean and Jay up all night."

Mrs. Nash's looked around the room in shock but returned to her seat anyway. "Okay. Well..."

We sat in silence for a few moments, no one knowing what to say as Jay relished in the obvious discomfort with a smirk on his face. I knew he was already thinking of a few one-liners in his head, but I also knew that he was aware that Ellie would kill him if he said anything to ruin the night.

The doorbell rang suddenly, causing Mrs. Nash to jump out of her seat a little. I was thankful for the diversion and headed towards the door. "Pizza man," I explained before I opened the door.

"Pizza?"

"Yeah, pizza," I rolled my eyes at the confusion in Ellie's mom's eyes. I wouldn't be surprised if a privileged kid such as herself never had pizza growing up. After all, if it can't be eaten with a fork, it's not proper. "Jay and me ordered it before."

"Jay and I," Ellie and her mom corrected in unison. They started giggling, and Jay shook his head in disbelief.

I handed the pizza guy the money and brought the large pizza into the living room, setting it out on the coffee table. Jay lunged forward and grabbed a piece without waiting for anyone else. I noticed Ellie rolling her eyes at his lack of manners.

"There's plenty for everyone," I offered, although I secretly hoped the Nashes would decline. No pizza for them meant more pizza for me. Surprisingly, though, Ellie's dad reached forward and grabbed a slice, bringing it to his lips.

"I wonder if it compares to Italy, Elisabeth?" he joked.

"Oh, _please_. Nothing could. Where's it from, Sean?"

"The Last Slice," I mumbled through a mouthful.

She shrugged and leaned forward, choosing a small piece. "Not bad," she commented after taking a small bite.

"A nice, cold beer would make this perfect, huh?"

"As a matter of fact..." Jay jumped up and grabbed a few beers, handing one to Mr. Nash and giving me my unfinished bottle from before and settling back into his seat.

"Wow, Jay. I never knew you had such bad manners," Mrs. Nash remarked drily.

Jay jumped back up. "Did _you_ want a beer?"

"You don't expect me to share, do you?"

I chuckled to myself at the look on Jay's face, surprised to find myself actually enjoying this interaction between Jay and Ellie's mom. I watched in amusement as she took a long swig from the bottle Jay gave her and finished the rest of her slice. Hey, Ellie's mom knew how to put it down.

"So, Sean, have any work plans for the summer?"

I glanced at Ellie before looking back at Mr. Nash, my face starting to heat up. "Um," I started nervously. "I'm working part time at the mechanic and custom shop down on Pearl, but that's it."

"That must not bring in too many hours, huh?"

"Not really. Just a few here and there."

"Maybe you could offer Sean something in the office, Christian? I'm sure there's room for him." I couldn't believe my eyes as Mrs. Nash offered me a smile that was actually _pleasant_. Suddenly, I felt like I was stuck in an alternate universe where Elisabeth Nash actually liked me.

Ellie's dad nodded and looked into space thoughtfully. "I could probably find a position. Have you had any experience in advertising, Sean?"

"Adver- No. Definitely not."

"Well, no worries. You can always learn. I'll get back to you on that."

Another pause of uncomfortable silence. I was still wondering what the hell just happened- Mr. Nash offering me a summer job, Mrs. Nash actually instigating this offer, and (so far) a drama free "chat." Maybe this would be the perfect time...

I cleared my throat and snuck a glance at Ellie next to me. "Actually, I have my own request- sort of..."

All eyes were on me. I slipped my fingers through Ellie's and squeezed her hand tightly. "I've-uh- I've been doing some thinking..."

I glared at Jay as he snickered.

"And, well, I haven't really had a chance to discuss it with Ellie yet but... I think it's a good idea if Ellie moves in. Again." I plastered a confident look on my face, daring the Nashes to give me any trouble. Inside, I was shaking that maybe Ellie wasn't into the whole move-in thing as much as I was.

I waited for someone to say something. Mr. Nash looked like he was going to be sick; Mrs. Nash's face was one of horror; Ellie stared at me stone-faced. Only Jay moved, shaking as he laughed into his hand. I elbowed him sharply, annoyed that he was actually enjoying my embarrassment.

"Well," Mr. Nash began.

"I want to move back in," Ellie blurted out before he could say anything else. I turned my head sharply towards her and smiled. She put a hand on my knee and shyly looked me in the eye. "I really do," she whispered softly.

We leaned in for a soft kiss, forgetting that we weren't alone.

"You- you really want to move back in?" Mrs. Nash asked.

Ellie nodded her head enthusiastically. "Mmhmm! Sean's here. Brayden's here. I need to be here, too."

Her parents glanced at each other uneasily. Ellie sent me a look that said "don't worry" but my stomach was still tied in knots. What if they didn't let her move back in? What if they still thought of me as the good-for-nothing trailer trash that knocked up their precious daughter? There's only so much I can do to prove myself worthy of her, and I'm running out of options.

Her dad sighed and clasped his hands together. "If it's what Ellie wants..."

**Ellie**

I threw my arms around Sean's neck, suppressing my squeals of delight for later. I couldn't believe my dad had just said yes to me moving into Sean's apartment again. I mean, I knew he would eventually give in, but I didn't know it would be so easy. I pulled away reluctantly from Sean and turned to face my parents. "Thanks."

They smiled back at me sadly. A twinge of guilt went through my body as I realized I'd be leaving them. It wasn't going to be easy, but it's something I had to do. I have to be with my son and... whatever Sean is to me now.

My boyfriend?

It sounds so... meaningless. As if we're just some high-school crush that will eventually fade away. And were _not_ that. We have a son together. We have chemistry. We're emotionally invested in each other. We have a future.

Unless he gets sick of me being in University and finds a younger girl... _Stop it, Ellie. You're already having a mid-life crisis..._

A loud cry pierced the room, and Sean jumped up. "Brayden's up..."

I let him go to the baby and watched as my dad followed him, leaving my mom and Jay in the room with me. We looked awkwardly at each other before my mom leaned forward and lifted an eyebrow. "Are you sure, Ellie? I mean, if you were only going along because you didn't want to hurt his feelings then we can-..."

"Mom! I was serious!"

She sat back, silent for a few minutes as she chewed her bottom her lip. "Okay, if it's what you want. We're going to miss having you around, you know..."

"I'm going to be right here. I'm not going anywhere."

"I feel like we just got you back. I mean, you just got better and now-..."

"Look who's up!" Sean strolled out of the nursery, Brayden cradled in his arms. My mom stretched out her arms for him and held him against her.

"Oh, he smells so good. Who smells so good? You do, Brayden!"

I didn't notice my dad until he sat down on the other side of me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I looked up at him, my eyes filled with wonder, as I'd done my entire life. His own eyes were filled with sadness as he stared back at me.

"What, daddy?"

He shook his head slowly. "I don't know. You're just growing up too fast."

"Yeah, _right_," I scoffed.

"Finishing high school, baby, serious boyfriend... Sounds like growing up to me. I just don't know if I'm ready to let go."

"Please," I rolled my eyes. "You don't have to let go just yet."

He nodded his head absently and looked off towards my mother and Brayden. "Well, we better get going," he announced. "These kids have school tomorrow."

I followed my parents to the door and sent them off with a hug and the promise to see them tomorrow. Suddenly, my parents were eager to see me every waking minute of the day, and I wasn't complaining. I shut the door with a soft click and leaned back against it, letting out a long sigh. My joints reminded me of how late it was getting, and my agitated state during "family time" only contributed to my sleepiness.

Sean came towards me and wrapped me in his arms, pressing me against his chest gently. I buried my head into his chest and took a deep breath, taking in his scent. We stood still, enjoying one another's company and listened to the clock tick and the muttering of Jay as he played his video game.

"Well," Sean broke the silence first. "I guess we'll move you back in this weekend?"

I craned my head back and looked up at him. "I guess so. Sean, I'm tired."

He smiled and kissed my forehead. "Let's go to bed."

We said good night to Jay and checked in on Brayden one more time before retreating to the bedroom. I perched myself on the edge of the bathtub, dressed in one of Sean's t-shirts, as I brushed my teeth and watched Sean wash his face. His back muscles rippled as he leaned over the sink and slowly patted his face dry.

"Mmm mphh muu," I mumbled through my mouthful of paste.

He raised in eyebrow. "Huh?"

I got up and spit in the sink and rinsed my mouth out. "I love you," I repeated more clearly, shoving my toothbrush back in its holder.

Sean grabbed at my waist and bent down to brush his lips against the corner of my mouth. "You had toothpaste," he explained.

I placed my fingers where had just kissed me and grinned. "Oh," I replied lamely.

"Race you to the bed," Sean blurted before pivoting and running out of the tiny bathroom. I chased after him but gave up when I saw him already stretched across the bed. "That wasn't fair," I chided but with a smile on my face as I climbed into bed.

I wiggled my way closer to Sean and kissed him softly on the lips, my red hair gently touching his face. He moaned against my lips and rubbed his hands up and down my sides, slowly inching his way further down. I felt his fingers grasp the back of my thighs, right below where my underwear ended, and press me closer against him. I pulled my face away, gasping, and shook my head slightly. "Not tonight. I'm exhausted."

"Not fair," He groaned, covering his face with his hands. I giggled and swatted playfully at his shoulder.

"Goodnight, Sean."

"Goodnight, Ellie."

I felt his lips press against my temple.

**Jay**

"Is there a reason I'm chauffeuring you around town, Cameron, or do you just really enjoy wasting my gas?" I drawled as I pulled into a parking spot along Vine Street.

Sean sent me a look and kicked open the door. "No questions, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I muttered as I turned off the ignition and stuffed my keys into my pocket. When Sean had approached me after school and asked for a ride, I hadn't thought anything of the favor. I was used to giving him rides, after all. But when he swore me to secrecy, I knew that Sean had more in mind than just grabbing a burger from the Dot.

We walked past the shops at a fast pace. Every now and then Sean would glance nervously at me. I was dying to know what he was up to, but I kept my cool.

"Isn't this part of town a little ritzy for you?"

"No questions, remember?"

"Listen, Cameron, there's going to be questions, okay? You asked for a ride, I gave it to you. Now what the hell is going on?" I was starting to grow impatient, and an impatient Jay is a very unhappy Jay.

"You really want to know?" Sean asked.

I shrugged. "Yeah, why not?"

He stopped walking. "We're here."

I slid my sunglasses to the top of my head and peered up at the storefront._ Serli & Siroan Jewellers_. "Serli and Siroan Jewellers... So?"

"I'm buying something today," Sean announced to me.

I sighed and responded in my bored voice. "Oh, really? And what's that?"

"An engagement ring."

I froze and blinked slowly. "Uh, what? I must've heard you wrong because I thought you said engagement ring..."

"I did."

"For who?"

"You _might_ know her. She's around the apartment a lot... I kind of have a kid with her..."

"Oh, _her_. The girl who's just moving back in after a huge fight. The girl who's parents think you're scum. The girl who's a little crazy in the attic, if you know what I mean."

"You're not talking me out of this..."

I grabbed his shoulder and stopped him from opening the door. "Do you even realize what you're _doing_? You can't get married now. You're going to be a junior. In _high school_. Have you even though about this?"

"I have," he confirmed. "A lot, actually."

"So when do you think you'll find time to get married? In between auto class and lunch? This isn't just some little decision."

"Jay, I know."

"No, I don't think you do know. You're crazy, man. You're going to throw away your life just because you've found a girl that you can screw _and_ talk to?"

Sean chuckled darkly. "If only it were that easy, huh? You don't get it, Jay. Okay? You just don't get it. Call me crazy if you want, but I'm going to be a family with her. I'm not going to let her get away."

I ran a shaky hand through my hair and sighed. "Don't do this to keep her around, okay? Marriage isn't the answer to staying with somebody. Ask my mom."

"My parents were low-lifes, but they were low-lifes together, and they were good together. Ellie and I are even _better_. I need a family for once. I'm sick of being on my own."

"Hey, you got a family. You got me and Alex," I reminded him.

"Jay, I love her."

"I know you do."

"Then why can't you just be happy for me? I'm doing what I think is right, and you're not talking me out of it."

"You really think her parents are going to let her-..."

"I already talked to her dad. The other night when they were over."

I folded my arms across my chest. "Well, it looks like you thought of everything. What did _he_ say?"

Sean hooked an arm behind his head and smiled sheepishly. "He thinks I'm pretty crazy, but he married young."

I shook my head and stared at the ground. "Whatever, Cameron. It's your funeral."

I tried to be happy for him, but I couldn't stop thinking that he was making a huge mistake. I'd seen my own parents's marriage fall apart; it ended when my dad walked out and never came back. I didn't want to see that happen to Sean or Ellie.

"You going to help me do this or what?"

I looked up at Sean holding the door open. I shrugged and shoved my hands in my pockets as I followed him into the store. Glass cases enclosed rows of jewelry; a wave of nausea passed over me as I eyed the different engagement rings. They didn't represent commitment to me but a prison sentence.

"This is it. Look at it."

Sean tugged on my shirt and pointed at a simple silver band with a single diamond on it.

A salesman smiled and pulled the ring out, holding it's case delicately in his hands. "White-gold. Cathedral cut. Radiant diamond. Simple and classic."

Sean looked at me eagerly. "That sounds _just_ like Ellie, right?"

I swallowed hard. "Right," I agreed. I couldn't believe he was actually going through with this.

He doesn't even know if she's going to say yes.

The salesman is smiling a crocodile smile as he slowly wraps up the ring.

Sean's nodding and smiling, but I can see he's scared as hell deep down.

His hands shake as he takes the small bag.

He sends me a sheepish look. "Well, I guess there's no turning back now, huh?"

We walked quietly back to the car.

"You really aren't doing this just because you think she's going to meet someone else at University, are you?"

I was almost scared of his response. Sometimes Sean can be impulsive and let his emotions get the better of him. I've seen it happen to him over and over again.

He stopped walking and stared at me. "No. I love her."

"Enough to marry her and spend the rest of your life with her?" I pressed. I wanted Sean to fully realize what the hell he was doing to himself here.

He smiled. "Yeah, Jay."

"Okay," I replied.

"You'll be my best man, right?"

I pretended to consider. "If I have to."

"Thanks, man."

He slapped me on the back, and I pulled him in for a hug in a spontaneous gesture of affection. We pulled away, and Sean let out a shaky breath. "I'm actually doing this."

"Still can't believe it..."

"It feels right, Jay."

I didn't say anything as we got into the car and drove back to the other side of town to Sean's place. Sean kept staring at the ring and mumbling under his breath. Practicing his speech or proposal or whatever, I guess. Every now and then he'd bring up a reason he knew he and Ellie belonged together.

"You know how she scrunches up her nose?"

"Yeah?"

"I _love_ that, man."

I smirked.

Maybe Sean isn't as crazy as I thought he was. Maybe he has thought this out. This could be his chance to prove himself as more than just the product of Wasaga Beach trailer trash. This could be his chance for some normalcy. I guess that's all he ever wanted. Hell, I guess that's all anyone wants in the end.

I turned the car off and sat back in the seat. Sean reached for the handle and pushed the door open.

"Cameron?"

He looked back at me. "Yeah?"

"I think it's gonna work out."

We went through the motions to our handshake.

"Thanks, bro."

"No problem."

"Best man?"

"Best man."

**So this chapter took me FOREVER to write! I hope you enjoy it. There's only going to be one more short chapter and an epilogue to this story. There's not much else I can say!**

**I'm hoping to get the next chapter and epilogue out shortly! **

**I'm excited about wrapping up this story and finishing Desperado so I can focus on Lonelily and a new Crellie fic I've had in mind.**

**I know these stories (sagas?) have been LONG but bear with me! Hopefully the ending will be worth it:)**

**Thanks to my loyal readers. I heart you guys so much! **


	39. Heaven

**Chapter 39: Heaven**

_And love is all that I need_

_And I found it there in your heart_

_It isn't too hard to see_

_We're in heaven_

**Sean**

I wrapped my hand loosely around her finger and pulled her towards me. She laughed as we ran down the stairs, not even attempting to be quiet. It was almost the end of the school year- what was the point in being sneaky anymore? Pretty soon we'd be out of here for an entire summer. We paused at the end of the basement hallway and caught our breath, still laughing as we gasped for air. Laughing at what? I'm not sure.

"Wait, Sean! Where are we even going?" Ellie choked out, her hands pressed to her side and her hair falling out of her ponytail.

"You'll see," I replied mysteriously, wiggling my eyebrows for added affect.

She rolled her eyes and shoved my shoulder. "Tell me now or else."

"I'll take my chances," I responded, my voice light and teasing. I wrapped my arms around her waste and pulled her closer to me, giving her a soft kiss before releasing her and grabbing her hand again. "Let's go!"

"Never have I seen you so... active. What's gotten into you?" She ran to keep up with me so I wouldn't pull her arm out of her socket.

I swung her around and pressed her up against the elevator doors and gave her another kiss, this one deeper and more passionate. She threw her arms around my neck and returned the kiss with a hunger I'd never seen before from her. We were acting like two teenagers completely in love (and lust) for each other- which is exactly what we were.

I was the first to break the kiss, and I rested my forehead against hers. "You remember this place, don't you?"

She looked around and recognized the area of the basement we had ended up in. "Saturday detention. How could I forget?"

I smiled and stepped to the small janitorial closet. "It gets even better."

I grabbed the set of keys and used them to unlock the elevator door. We entered cautiously, much like we had the first time, and glanced at each other out of the corner of our eyes. Every now and then our hands would touch, and we'd let them linger a bit. I don't know why we were so nervous... Well, I knew why _I_ was nervous. I was ready to fucking propose to this girl. Propose... I still couldn't fully grasp my mind around it. If anyone would have told me when I started Degrassi that I'd be where I am today... I would have laughed in their face.

Now I'm riding in an elevator to the rooftop where this whole... this whole mess? No. It isn't a mess. It's difficult and it's hard, but it sure as hell isn't anything I'm ashamed of. Hell, it's probably the only thing that I've done in my life that I'm actually proud of. I've been devoted to this girl, faithful. Selfless. Brave. I've proven to myself that so far I'm a pretty damn good father. There's a chance that I won't fuck up this kid. I've actually proven myself capable of succeeding in something.

I just hope Ellie feels the same way.

The doors opened, and we cleared the small space. I climbed up the small ladder rungs first, constantly aware of the small jewelry box burning a hole in my jeans pocket. Thank God I had an older brother who had a decent job and understood the importance of a woman. After all, he has Wendy. It's just too bad I'll be paying him back for the rest of my life.

I helped her onto the roof like I had the first time we stepped foot on it. Once again, we headed over to what we now designated as "our spot" even though this is the only other time we'd been up here since that fateful day.

"_Dream on."_

Would she be saying that to me again? Would she laugh in my face? Would she-

"Sean?"

I glanced over and saw the concerned look in her eyes.

What I'm about to say next is about to make me the biggest pussy imaginable, but... How could I live the rest of my life without that look? I stepped forward and took hold of her hands, massaging circles into the tops of them with my thumbs. I stared at her feet, trying to think of the right words to say. Nothing seemed good enough. How was I supposed to put into words how much I cared for her and how much I wanted this family to work? It's not so easy. I can't just go and say "marry me" and expect that to be good enough. I mean, come on. "_Marry me?"_

"... What?" She whispered. I felt her hands freeze in mine, and I looked up. "What'd you say?"

Her brow was wrinkled as she looked at me in a way that told me I must have muttered those words out loud. Her grip tightened on my hand.

"What did you say?" she asked again.

"I, uh..." I shook my head slightly. "Marry me," I repeated, staring her directly in the eye.

Her knees buckled, and I steadied her. "Let's sit down."

"Sean..." she murmured, drawing her knees up to her chest the way she had that Saturday. I closed my eyes for a minute before opening them. Why did everything have to be exactly the same?

Soft tendrils of hair framed her face as they blew gently in the light breeze. I fumbled in my pocket for the jewelry box and grasped it tightly.

"I- I got you something. Here." I opened it with a shaking hand, and she glanced out of the corner of her eye.

"Ohmigod, Sean..." she shook her head sadly. She didn't take the ring.

I licked my lips nervously. "I love you. We're a family. We need to be together."

"We _are_ together."

"You know what I mean, El. _Look_ at me!"

She lifted her gaze and met mine. Her teeth worked on her bottom lip, and her knuckled were white. "We're in high school."

"I _know_. Weddings are hard to plan, but your mom will help you. She'll probably take control of the entire thing if you let her. And it doesn't have to be big. It could be small, and we could do it this summer."

"I don't want a summer wedding..." Her voice drifted off, and she looked away again.

Why was this so awkward? Why wasn't she wearing the ring, and why wasn't she happier? She should be happy. Why do I have this empty feeling in my stomach?

"Sean, we're in high school, and I'm not talking about planning the wedding. We're so young. What are we supposed to do? Get married on fall break?"

I shrugged. "If you want we could. I knew you'd want a fall wedding."

"_Sean_!" she choked out, her voice sounding strangled. I realized for the first time that she was crying.

"Why are you crying? Don't cry... Everything's going to be fine." I reached over to wipe the tears from her eyes, but she flinched away from me.

She sniffled and drug the back of her hand across her eyes. "Everything's _not_ going to be fine because you're _perfect_, and I'm about to ruin it!"

I rubbed the palms of my hands up and down the legs of my jeans. "I don't get it."

She picked up the jewelry box and stared at the ring. The corner of her lips lifted up. It was a smile, but it was sad. "It's absolutely perfect. The ring. The location. You."

"So, is that a yes?" I grinned and reached to pluck the ring out of its bed. She jerked it away and snapped it shut.

She didn't look at me. She couldn't. Her eyes stayed fixed on the small pebbles that littered the roof of the school. "I just got better... I just got used to being a mom... And we... we just got back together and..."

I wasn't sure of where she was going with this. I placed my hand on her knee and squeezed it affectionately. "And I love you, and I think you're the most amazing person in the world, and I wanna be with you."

She smiled at me tearfully. "And I feel the same way."

"Then it's settled, right? We're getting married."

She shook her head slowly and handed the jewelry box back to me. "No. We're not."

**Ellie**

I touched his fingers as I handed the jewelry box back. He looked at me as if I had just kicked his puppy. I was a cold, heartless bitch who'd just turned down the man of my dreams. How could I even look at myself in the mirror from now on?

"I'm sorry," I choked out, the tears in my eyes refusing to fall. "I don't want to hurt you but... it's just too much..."

He cleared his throat and stared straight ahead. "Do you... do you not love me?"

My lips quivered at his words, and I turned my body towards him, taking his hand in mine and allowing our knees to touch. "You know I love you," I assured him, squeezing his hand tightly.

His shoulders heaved, and he looked away from me. I knew he was upset, disappointed, confused... I was feeling the exact same emotions. I was upset that I couldn't accept his offer. I was disappointed that I had to let him down. And I was confused with my own feelings. I wanted to say yes, but how could I even begin to think of getting married at this age?

"So what happens when you go off to University? You're going to find a new guy, and you'll forget all about me."

I lifted my head sharply and pulled his arm hard. "Are you kidding me?"

The look on his face told me he wasn't.

"You think I'm going to find someone new at University?"

"Yeah. Someone older and smarter and richer and..."

I swatted the back of his head, causing him to cry out in pain and glare at me as he rubbed his injury. "What the hell?"

"Are you _that_ stupid? I would never look for somebody new, Sean. I _love_ you, and I want to marry you-..."

"Then why'd you say no?"

"Because I'm too young. I need to figure things out, and so do you. We don't have to rush this, baby."

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Can I at least just see the damn ring your finger once?"

I rolled my eyes and held out my hand, spreading my fingers to give him easier access. He took the nestled ring out of its box and slid it slowly up my ring finger. The diamond sparkled in the afternoon sun, and I couldn't help but smile at how beautiful it was.

"I love it," I murmured, wiggling my fingers a little.

"Do you?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "Mmhmm."

"I thought if looked like you," he mumbled, his cheeks turning red with embarrassment at how sentimental he was being.

I leaned forward and gave him a soft kiss. "I can't wait to wear it someday."

We sat for a few more minutes, admiring the ring and sneaking a few kisses here and there. Suddenly, everything seemed like it was going to be okay. I almost laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. I just turned down Sean's proposal, and we're here cuddling. He should be furious with me. He should scream at me and tell me I'm a waste of time and find a new girl and-

"I'm the one who should be worried. You're going to get tired of me and find a new girl while I'm away at University..." I pouted and looked up at him with big eyes.

He snorted and put an arm around me, drawing me to his chest. "Don't even think about that. That's never going to happen. I've already invested in a ring for you..."

I laughed and wrapped my arms around his chest, just enjoying the nearness of him. "I know you didn't hear what you wanted to hear, but I really think it'll work out better this way, Sean. I'm not turning you down because I don't want to. I'm turning you down because I want to make it _right_."

He nodded and kissed the top of my head. "I think I understand."

I was vaguely aware that lunch was probably over soon but nothing really mattered to me at the moment besides Sean. I looked at the ring on my finger again and marveled at what it meant. Sean's right. I don't have to worry about him finding another girl or getting tired of me. He loved me very much.

Growing up I always envisioned the perfect life, and although I may have dressed differently and wore more eyeliner than most girls my age, I always believed in marriage and family. I believed in finding that special someone and staying faithful and growing old together. I would never admit this out loud, but it was always something I hoped I'd find one day.

Sean's grip tightened around my hand.

I think I might have found what I was looking for.

"Should we head in?" Sean's voice interrupted me.

I sighed and nodded. "Yeah..." I slid the ring back off my finger and held it out to him. "Here."

He raised his eyebrows and took it from me, placing it in the jewelry box. "All the trouble I went through..."

"Sean!" I warned, feeling a little guilty that I let him down.

He slipped the box back into his pocket and framed my face with his hands. "Hey... I'm kidding. Don't feel bad. You're right... I guess I just don't ever want to lose you."

"Well, you won't. So relax."

We kissed and walked hand in hand towards the opening that led back to the school and back to reality. Nobody would even know the conversation Sean and I had on the rooftop and the decision that was made. I could have been a blushing bride by summertime, but nobody would ever be the wiser. Well, maybe Marco...

We checked the hallway for teachers or Mr. Radditch before coming up from the basement. The first bell rang, and I looked over at Sean. "Just in time..."

"Great. English. I can't wait," he deadpanned.

I wrinkled my nose and let my fingers slip away from his. "Yeah... math... Better get there before Mr. Armstrong gives me detention. He has it _out_ for me."

"_You_? Miss Smarty Pants?"

"Oh, yeah, um, remind me later... to laugh."

We turned our backs to each other and walked our separate ways.

"Hey, El?"

I turned back around.

"So... someday?"

I smirked as I walked backwards and thought about it. Someday... Someday...

Scenes from a life with Sean flashed before my eyes. Us taking care of Brayden... Our first home... More children... Backyard barbecues and weekend trips to the zoo...

Yeah, someday.

I flashed him a huge grin, a skip in my backwards step, and set him with a coy look.

"Maybe sooner than you think..."

**Aw! I hate to see this story almost over! I have an epilogue (an idea that sprung to me while driving home one day) left and THEN it will be finished. I hope this chapter does all your lovely reviews justice! You guys are so nice and encouraging! **

** I started the story with the idea that they would marry in the end... in high school. Then I came to my senses and realized that, while I could probably make it work, it would all seem just too easy and convenient. So, instead, I had Sean pull a Craig and ask and Ellie reject him... for now. It's very reminescent (sp?) of Craig/Ashley but I don't care!**

** I hope you enjoy the lighter and happier ending. I figured I'd end on this kind of note since Ellie and Sean have both been through hell in this story. I though the lighter tone to the chapter would show how good of a place they have come to be in. **

**Well, I'm going to actually try and finish the epilogue... right now.**

**Oh, yes... And song is by Bryan Adams. The song came on while I was writing, and I just couldn't resist putting that part in there. **


	40. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_Dear April Child, are you dreaming of June?_

_Like a tender young flower awaiting summer's bloom_

_Sweet April Child, in the springtime of youth_

_What a glorious season. It is yours let it shine through_

I slowly bent down on one knee, hiking my pant leg up and balancing myself on the soft grass. My knees weren't as good as they used to be, and my days of playing soccer were long over. I've been demoted to the stands where I cheer for my great-grandson as he dribbles the ball down the field with an ease I wonder if I ever possessed.

My mind is wandering again.

I place the small bouquet of flowers in between the gravestones and run my hand through the fresh cut green grass. As odd as it sounds, I swear I could almost feel a warmth generating through the ground, but I've always had a wild imagination. My grandpa always said I got it from my mom. I look back at old photos of her and home movies she had made and have to agree... Just one of the many good qualities she passed on to me.

I should be used to it by now, but none of us were ever good at letting go.

I remember my mom shutting down when her grandpa died. She was in her forties, and I would still lie awake at night, my own wife sleeping next to me, wondering if I was going to wake up in the morning to hear of her suicide. Perhaps my mom wasn't the most stable of people; she was naive in a way... sensitive... and maybe too affected for her own good, but she had a way about her that seemed almost otherworldly. I guess every son says that about his mom, but she was absolutely everything I admired most in the world.

And my father showed me what it takes to be a man. He supported her and loved her even when she was at her lowest points. I remember him staying home from work for awhile because mom couldn't be around. She had to go away for awhile because of "body issues", as he put it. I know better now. Sometimes I wanted to talk about it, but one time I had and he had started crying so I never brought it up again.

He taught me how to play basketball and helped me buy my first car. He worked long hours at the hospital but growing up I could never remember a time when he wasn't around to play video games with me before I went to bed. I had questions about girls that I couldn't always ask mom, no matter how frank she was, so I asked him instead.

They'd been married 73 years. Married for 73 years, seven kids, and a number of family pets. She had gone on to starring in a few off-Broadway plays before settling down as a high school English teacher. Of course, she had always been an "aspiring" director. They still show her award-winning documentary on gender roles in society among schools. She was successful and completely oblivious to it. He had worked his way through medical school and into a comfortable position as surgeon in a top-rated hospital. He "retired" from surgery and focused on family practice for the last few years of his career. My mom loved to tell the story of him finding his calling in high school and pushing himself beyond expectations to meet his career goal. The sparkle in her eyes as she'd smile at him and caress his hand as he hid his reddened face in embarrassment is an image I've revisited many times.

He passed away during a cold and bitter March. She followed a month later. They were 92. Natural causes for him. A broken heart, I believe, for her. Here I am, nearing eighty years, myself... Eighty years, and I'm still crying at the loss. My dad might have taught me how to be a man, but he never was able to teach me how to void myself of emotion and turn my heart to stone. It wasn't in his nature.

A branch snapped behind me, and I looked over my shoulder. My wife stooped down and patted my shoulder.

"It looks like it might rain soon."

I glanced up at the sky. So it did.

I glanced back at the gravestones and bowed my head for a moment of silence. I said a short prayer and blessed the site. It's been three years and hasn't gotten any easier. I don't think it ever will.

I held out my arm for my wife, and she took it gratefully as we walked down the pathway towards our car. I talked about the same old memories as I always did during our visits to the cemetery.Some my wife took part in... Some she only heard about. The day Grandpa Cameron died... my mom's return from therapy... visits to the art museum... working on my car out in the garage... the backyard barbecues... the weekend trips to the zoo...

The sun still peeked out from behind the clouds.

Some say they saved each other. I say that's true.

_Dear April Child, it's the spring of your youth._

_Cherish these precious days. Summer comes all too soon._

_Dear April Child, still dreaming of June._


	41. Author's Note

**I just wanted to say thank you to all my loyal readers and reviewers! It means so much to have so many people say such nice things about the story. It really turned into a saga, and I was beginning to doubt my decisions, but you guys helped me through with all your nice words!**

**I thought it would be cute to have Brayden visiting the grave site and talking about his parents for the epilogue. I didn't include any of their other children because, well, I really just wanted it to be in first person and not have too much dialogue, if any.**

**Hope you enjoyed! Look for more from Desperado and Lonelily!**


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